Time to leave?

[Sittinginmcds]

Amazing how you are tring to justify your pending affair. Actually since you kissed it's your current affair. Do your husband a favor and divorce him so he can find a woman that will be faithful.

[GuyInLimbo]

mjs, you're getting knocked around a bit here. But these folks are harmless.

 

Anyway, I think the bottom line is that you see no future for you two. You're unhappy and have been for a long time. You've been together since 20 - no two people are remotely the same at 20 and 40. I'm 100% pessimistic about couples that get together that young. You seem to offer each other no stimulation mentally or physically. You have no kids.

 

I say leave now and give both of you a chance to find better happiness. For all you know, his ED could be related to YOU. I don't mean that insultingly, but maybe he has repressed feelings that are causing him this anxiety. ED is not very common for 37-year-olds, that's for sure.

 

You need to call it quits with your "friend" right now, however. You're playing with fire. You're KNOWINGLY intruding on his marriage. I don't give a sh*t if he's unhappy, kissed you, whatever. He's married with a toddler. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. You have issues YOU need to deal with. He has issues HE needs to deal with. And there are way too many emotions flying around to really lead to a healthy situation here. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute and think about what you're doing. Stop. I'm reading above where you are trying to convince us you have no role. Bullsh*t. You are 50% of that affair no matter what you say or think.

 

I feel for you in being in an empty relationship. I'm in one, too. But I'm steering clear of anyone else until I'm out. I need to work on myself, as perfect as I think I am.

Edited May 23, 2013 by GuyInLimbo

[Decisiontomake]

I wanted to private message you but it didn't let me do it. Perhaps you have a setting that needs changing?

[mjs]

Dan - Thanks for the comments. I know you (and Mr. Lucky--thanks for weighing in too) are right about the emotional(/verging into an actual) affair point. I do need to stop it. I'll be honest -- it's really hard though, since that's the one thing that feels like it's giving me emotional support at this point. It really does make sense that no matter what I end up deciding to do, it is only complicating things ultimately (for all of us).

 

I am not sure about where I stand on the giving fixing things a shot, so at least I know I tried point. I have been thinking about this a lot and one big concern I have about counselling or otherwise trying to fix things--and I don't think I've really explained this so far here--is that I am worried the non-sexual dissatisfaction I'm feeling is largely not over things that I don't think he can change (even if he wanted to, and I also don't know that I think it's fair to ask him to change at all). So I am worried that bringing them up (in counselling or otherwise) will only serve to make him feel crappy/angry and couldn't lead to a positive outcome anyway.

 

Sitting - your words are harsh, but do mirror what I've been thinking. My husband should be with someone who can love him the way he deserves. As I've been saying, he's a good man. And, despite my actions in kissing another man and contemplating being unfaithful, I do love him. I think if I lay it all on the table for him, he'd say that he wants us both to try. I am just don't know that I am up to the task.

[mjs]

mjs, you're getting knocked around a bit here. But these folks are harmless.

 

Thanks Guy. I was pretty sure what I was getting myself into here, and I really am finding it very helpful to talk this all through, even in response to people who are repsonding harshly. I am sure folks on these boards are all dealing with their own issues and when I try to explain my own extremely complicated situation in a few paragraphs, some of it comes of more glib than I mean it to, some of it is not well explained and much of it must push all sorts of buttons. I'm trying not to take it too personally. And, anyway, I have beat myself up way worse about all of this than anything that's being said here.

 

Anyway, I think the bottom line is that you see no future for you two. You're unhappy and have been for a long time. You've been together since 20 - no two people are remotely the same at 20 and 40. I'm 100% pessimistic about couples that get together that young. You seem to offer each other no stimulation mentally or physically. You have no kids.

 

That's about it. I do truly care about him and we are good companions in some ways. It just doesn't feel like nearly enough anymore.

 

I say leave now and give both of you a chance to find better happiness. For all you know, his ED could be related to YOU. I don't mean that insultingly, but maybe he has repressed feelings that are causing him this anxiety. ED is not very common for 37-year-olds, that's for sure.

 

Yes, well I am sure it's my fault to some degree. No idea how much. Not sure how to fix it. This is part of why I think it might be best for us to go our seperate ways.

 

You need to call it quits with your "friend" right now, however. You're playing with fire. You're KNOWINGLY intruding on his marriage. I don't give a sh*t if he's unhappy, kissed you, whatever. He's married with a toddler. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. You have issues YOU need to deal with. He has issues HE needs to deal with. And there are way too many emotions flying around to really lead to a healthy situation here. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute and think about what you're doing. Stop. I'm reading above where you are trying to convince us you have no role. Bullsh*t. You are 50% of that affair no matter what you say or think.

 

You (like the others I responded to above on this point) are, of course, right. I need to pull back from that relationship for my own sake and for his. I know this, but am having a hard time making myself do it. All these reminders are helping.

 

To clarify a bit - my response on that point a few comments ago really didn't capture my full thoughts on this. What I was trying to get at is that I don't feel like it's my place to decide for him or judge him on whether going outside of his marriage is ok or not. But I really should hold myself to the higher standard with respect to what I am contemplating being wrong as far his wife's concerned (I am reasonably certain that she is cheating on him--independent knowledge, not something he's told me--which might put my earlier comments in a slightly different perspective, but still I know that it doesn't make what we're contemplating ok or a good idea.)

 

I feel for you in being in an empty relationship. I'm in one, too. But I'm steering clear of anyone else until I'm out. I need to work on myself, as perfect as I think I am.

 

Seems like you are a smart man, I will try to follow your example. Thanks for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it.

[mjs]

I wanted to private message you but it didn't let me do it. Perhaps you have a setting that needs changing?

It would seem that I need to become an Established Member before I can send or receive DMs. Not sure how many posts I need to make or how long I have to be a member to accomplish that.

[Yasuandio]

No - totally doesn't sound right. Not what I was trying to say, although I see how it came across.

 

The way I look at it is this: whether I am unfaithful to my husband is my business; whether he is unfaithful to his wife is his.

 

 

This says it all. How effing arrogant. You have your sticky fingers jammed up in every jar of honey, don't you? Yas

[mjs]

No - totally doesn't sound right. Not what I was trying to say, although I see how it came across.

 

The way I look at it is this: whether I am unfaithful to my husband is my business; whether he is unfaithful to his wife is his.

 

 

This says it all. How effing arrogant. You have your sticky fingers jammed up in every jar of honey, don't you? Yas

 

If what I've said offended you or triggered a bad memory or feeling from your own experiences, I am sorry--my intention here is to try to be honest about what I am thinking, not to upset anyone.

 

Not entirely sure what you mean by that. And I don't know if your intention here is to enter into any kind of dialogue. If you are trying to say I make a habit of being involved with married men, the answer is absolutely not. Aside from the incident I've been talking about here, I've never had any involvement in any kind of infidelity either cheating on or cheating with someone. Until a couple of months ago, I had not kissed anyone aside from my husband since we started dating at 19, almost 2 decades ago. And kissing him on one occaision is as far as anything has gone with the friend I've posted about here.

 

Also, as I've noted in a previous reply, my attitude towards his wife is not quite as charitable as one might expect because I have good reasons (coming from third parties, not the friend I've been talking about) to believe that she is being unfaithful to him. So, I do think calling me "effing arrogant" is a bit harsh in that context, but you are of course entitled to your opinions.

 

Whatever the spirit in which it was intended, I do appreciate you offering your thoughts and will chalk it up to the (obviously correct, and I appreciate the reminders) "deal with your marraige issues and, no, whatever the heck you do, don't have an affair with your friend" side.

[coaches24]

First I think you need to cut ALL contact with the other man. No matter how you feel about him, he has a wife and child and if you cause that to fall apart then you have to live with that knowledge. Your issues with your husband have nothing to do with the other man. If his marriage falls apart on its own thats one thing but you having already kissed him means IMO that you have already crossed the line and have harmed his family in a HUGE way of his wife finds out. Now he's as guilty as you are in this but you need to be the one to walk away and never look back as long as he's married.

 

Deal with your marriage and when that's done move on with your life. I think if you were to start a relationship with this married man that after all the new excitement wore off you would start to wonder of you can really trust him after he cheated on his wife. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[Simpleoldschool]

there is a certain thing i have a certain TYPE of discontent for.

 

Its when i put in effort, where there seems to be an unequal amount of effrt in trying to gain a certain type of attention to a problem.

 

First are you hear asking advice or are you here for the " ok" its time to leave.

 

Are you going to stay with your husband and work, or are you going to leave.

 

In addition, i find it funny how someone beilieves that simply someone else has more to offer. that simply means you appreiciate nothing your husband has to offer regardless of whether you say you do. put simply, things appreiciated arent taken for granted and measured on a scale of "what could be COULD be".

 

first you need to make this fair, with a proportional equatable estimate of GAIN OVER LOSS OR LOSS OVER GAIN.

 

am i gaining more by doing things i have never done in this relationship with this man or am i losing more. in my expierience you lose nothing by making contributions.

 

the second being loss over gain.

 

Mam, do you even have what it takes to be a married person? or dont you. Whatever brought you and your husband toghether was strong enough to become a marriage. so i disregard any tenants about why you are unhappy now.

 

Now, you

im going to say some thing about you from what i can tell, and however uncomfortable i hope this reachs a part of you that you can understand.

 

you are a person CONTROLLED by what they want. your wantoness of something leads you in a direction that you follow. You continue to want that which you dont have. since no one CAN have everything you are deluded by fanatic perceptions of self-inflicted misery a man has nothing to do with, your husband.

 

Your wants, will continue to be wants because anything you have loses its value by the simple means of its posession. You seem fairly narcisistic and i hope you understand from what i can tell, that is your personality type.

 

let me start of the rest of this by saying. No man will ever be enough for you. case and point, here. Your husband has his lot to share, you disregard it with beilieving in a more. however abstract it is. Your husband could be good in everyway but you wont see it because a "want" will always outweigh to the proportion of your most simple needs a primary cause for you to go reaching out to it.

 

I think you really should tell yourself what type of person you are. i am not trying to be harsh, actually the opposite. i am nuetral here and i know nothing about you except what you are telling everyone about this situation.

 

To put it simply, in the most simple way i could. if you want to be happy in this marriage you have to want less, and appreciate more.

 

YOU HAVE TO WANT LESS, AND APPREICIATE MORE.

 

i can make no decision but ive seen this a million times. Out of simple desires, someone throws everything they have. If i knew your age this would sound like some sort of Mid-life crisis.

 

where you want to choose who you will become and what you will have and anything less is settling.

 

think for a second if these roles were truely reversed. you are trying to fic your marriage. you are literally trying and the only counter offer is. well i dont know that looks good over there.

 

there is something about the preverbial looking glass people dont understand. the glass is there for a reason, to seperate you from the other side.

 

let me phrase it this way. regardless of what side of the looking glass your on, you are always looking at the other side.

 

to be honest you have noted more reasons to stay with your husband as a canidate than to not stay with him. to me it just sounds like you are going to ruin what you have now and not get your more because your more is included within the vices of your own discontent with how you evaluate something to your own self-importance.

 

mam you will trade your live for less than love and lose it all but i guess there is a learning lesson here for you. You cant go back to what is lost. so pull the plug knowing this or try your butt off. that is the only advice i can give you.

 

and also remember this you will have a day in your life. a day that you think is the best but if you searched your heart the memory of its trade taught you to appreiciate what you have now because you cant get back how good something was before that. rather than climbing up your cutting bars off the ladder. remember you will either be yours greatest success or your greateast disaster.

 

mam, you have been warned that divorce carrys a tradgedy. you wont be afraid now because you will be feeling great but when those feelings in their own time leave you i see misery. i see you with what you want but nothing you need. and soon all those wants too wont be wants. what your really searching for is a need. i beilieve in your choice, you will give it up.

 

REMEMBER this if nothing else. the fast life, really is the fast life.

[Simpleoldschool]

and let me tell you the last thing i will say in all of this. The emotion of fear is there for two reasons.

 

Because what your about to do isnt intelligent and puts you in danger.

its the result of self-sabotage.

 

and most of all because you are doing something you SHOULD be afraid to do.

 

fear is telling you something but you arent listening. Good thing about life is its long enough you learn that when you touch the stove, it hurts.

 

ahh and yes. the Moral lesson in the looking glass is your wasting time even looking through it because you are depriving YOURSELF of what any marriage is or will be. the time to make it good. the time to make it great your just sitting there. looking through a glass window while ignoring what the reflection of your life is telling you its about .what your life really is suppose to be about and is now . leaving that life to pass by you. it just sits in the backround of time wasted by greedy eyes and a big sigh.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Simpleoldschool]

i want you to do two things.

 

SAY the WORD, HUSBAND.

 

PAUSE.....

 

now say the word WIFE.

 

THERES YOUR ANSWER.

[2sunny]

If you don't feel intimate and connected with your H - and feel as though you're missing out on living - it may be best to end he M on amicable terms while you can.

 

The OM has his family. Ideally it's best if you step away. Any connection you continue to have with him - is just taking away from what he COULD be giving to stay connected to his wife. When a MM gets distracted and tempted - the focus usually isn't soley on making he marriage it's healthiest best. So - be fair to his wife.

 

After your D is final - date all he men you want! Find someone compatible and be honest about what you desire in your needs.

[trippi1432]

Passing through and reading.......

[trippi1432]

Wow...so I read through it all, I hate that. I stuck primarily to mjs's posts and those here that got a word in edgewise.

 

Working a little backwards....mjs, do you realize your friend played you? Just your last post...you have it from 3rd parties that this OM's wife is cheating on him, I'm sorry, but that sounded a bit like justification for the two of you to get what you both needed without considering all the other consequences. Even friends get played sometimes, so you really need to think about that. I'm sure you will tell us that we don't know him since we are just a forum of people who have been hurt before...doesn't make us any less intelligent.

 

I have to ask, as much as you say you love your husband and he is great in all other departments but this physical one, have you approached how he could physically make you happy? It appears by your posts that he is affectionate, all other elements are there...when the affection and emotional support stop, ED isn't the biggest elephant in the room, wouldn't you agree?

 

As for relationships and getting what you need in life because you feel you outgrew your husband, well intellectual stimulation is wonderful...it might not net you physical satisfaction or even emotional support or even affection or intimacy. It's okay to have platonic relationships with people who stimulate us and make us grow, it's when we cross the boundaries that it's wrong...not telling you something I think you already know.

 

At any rate, just your last post on his wife cheating on him on some gossip sounds like you are crossing the line to a deeper justification, that's called affair fog. When you get back from that journey, you will understand the first sentence of the second paragraph of this post.

Edited May 24, 2013 by trippi1432

[Shocked Suzie]

No - totally doesn't sound right. Not what I was trying to say, although I see how it came across.

 

The way I look at it is this: whether I am unfaithful to my husband is my business; whether he is unfaithful to his wife is his.

 

I am not sure whether the better choice for me is--given how I feel and the fact that I (not through my choice) find myself in a sexless, passionless marriage--I should leave my husband first and have sex with someone else after or whether having sex outside the marriage might actually lead to figuring out some sort of a non-traditional arrangement with my husband that could work for us. As I said, I do love him and there are aspects of our relationship that really value--it's just not enough for me.

 

As for my friend. He has pursued me. He is the one who kissed me. I did not

initiate any of what has happened between us. (I have turned him down a number of times, and recently realized that--given the state of my marriage--I wasn't really sure why I was saying no anymore.) As I said, I think it's mainly his responsiblity whether he decides to be unfaithful to his wife. I don't believe, whatever happens, that I will be the cause of any trashing of his life or tossing out of his wife or child. If I did believe that was a realistic possibility, I wouldn't do it. That said, I am ambivalent on the question of whether I can put myself in the role of being the "other woman". Truth is, I think the

problems in his relationship are at a point where he'll likely to be looking elsewhere (maybe already is, for that matter) if we don't end up there soon.

 

Thanks for the comment. I think it's a fair point, especially given the way I framed things.

 

 

As far as this part of the situation is concerned, ' being on the receiving end' of what your friend is contemplating is totally spineless. If he is unhappy with his relationship 'like you should also do' is speak to both your spouses and try to work through your 'issues' to save or finish your relationships, if you have any respect for your husband and if he has any respect for his wife and daughter this should be done independently....not through starting an affair....affairs totally destroys a person self worth and a child's home. I fully understand the reason for your unhappiness....pretty sure your husbands not too thrilled with this situation either! I'm a true believer that you only live once and that life should be how you want it to be, filled with happiness....but not at the expense off effecting others in a disrespectful way....

 

Basically.....Talk to your husband-work on it-make a decision 'alone' respectfully so not to completely destroy other lives to make your own happiness...then start a relationship, there is nothing worse than knowing that you have been lied to and cheated on by a loved one...you've not done it yet! Try to do the right thing...might take some time, but do it out of respect of others.

[GuyInLimbo]

Seems like you are a smart man, I will try to follow your example. Thanks for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it.

 

I'm glad someone thinks so.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi mjs

 

There are certain things I didn't want to share "publically" so to speak, but what I will say is that my situation/emotions mirror yours on a scary scale. The symptoms of the issues may be different (you'll find some of my other posts on here), but in terms of having a "good" husband, "loving him" but being unsure etc - you and I are on the same page.

 

My husband also has ED from a brain injury suffered back in 2008 and as much as those that haven't experienced this may think of us as nymphomaniacs for putting so much focus on it (!), it truly is something that eats away at you on many levels. As for thinking you're causing that - that's bull**** on both the part of the poster who suggested it, and on your part for starting to worry about that.

 

You sound, as I am, very sensible in terms of trying to analyze your situation. The problem with that as my therapist pointed out last week that I saw for a while is that we are trying to apply logic to what is fundamentally an emotional feeling. It's very difficult.

 

I could write more about our similarities, but I'll PM that as and when your membership allows me to do so! I know how you're feeling - truly.

[WreckedDan]

Sorry I haven't responded in a timely manner... many of my own issues I'm dealing with.

 

I wanted to respond to what you saind regatding my first post to you.

 

If you are worried about hurting him over things that will come out in coucelling, let me assure yoi, you will be destroying him when you leave him questioning where things went wrong. It's very likely possible that he can't see the problems as you both have your own points of view. I would seriously suggest again inviting him to couceling and letting him know the reason for it is that you care about him.

 

I won't add more fuel to any of the fire you have going on here,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Okay, I will add one more thing. Something a lot of people are miasing here.

 

You didn't just leave him, you didn't hold it in and let your resentment grow until you no longer felt anything. What a lot of us go through is the aftermath of what you are doing now. You unlike a lot of our spouses actually sought out advice BEFORE screwing someone entire existance. I'm not saying that your marriage will stand the test it is going to go through, just that councelling is an opportunity to hear him, for him to hear you in an environment that can be a safe place to get all that out and see if there is something to fight for. I think you would be supprised how much he will be willing to do once he knows where you are at. Again, let the first session start off slowly and build trust so you can delve the deeper issues.

 

My 2©

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Okay, I will add one more thing. Something a lot of people are missing here.

 

You didn't just leave him, you didn't hold it in and let your resentment grow until you no longer felt anything. What a lot of us go through is the aftermath of what you are doing now. You unlike a lot of our spouses actually sought out advice BEFORE screwing someone entire existance. I'm not saying that your marriage will stand the test it is going to go through, just that councelling is an opportunity to hear him, for him to hear you in an environment that can be a safe place to get all that out and see if there is something to fight for. I think you would be supprised how much he will be willing to do once he knows where you are at. Again, let the first session start off slowly and build trust so you can delve the deeper issues.

 

My 2©

Dan