Flyinhawaiian Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Aloha everyone, I have a rather interesting breakup situation and am seeking some user advice.. Here's the back story: I am native Hawaiian who fell in love with a girl from mainland.. Cali to be specific.. She's 21 years old and I am currently 23.. We both go to the university here, and after 11 months of dating.. I am sure that this girl is the one, we never argue because we have a good mutual respect for each other and each other's needs, we have alot in common, we both love to surf and explore, and it was never a challenge to be with her(I believe that great relationships should be easy and openly expressive toward each other without worry, and that's how things were).. Also when we are together, the chemistry felt between us was like no other I've felt between the many other girls that I have dated in the past.. Not trying to sound cheesy either, but once we saw each other for the first time, we knew and we felt everything right away. The relationship we had was very fun loving, passionate, companionate and very enjoyable to experience.. This is the backstory of how things were, so now going on to where things changed a little bit. Moving to Hawaii is very difficult for people, especially at a young age, I have had many friends and loved ones move to and from the islands.. Well she decided to take a weekend to go visit her friends because she missed home so much, and all that did was make her even more home sick.. While she was there, she asked me for a break and things from their on we're never the same. Once she came back from the long weekend (I gave her the space she asked for), she called me to talk.. She told me that she isn't emotionally in Hawaii because she is so homesick.. She was even considering leaving hawaii for good, and asked me to give her time to make up her mind, and that me being their would confuse her more in making the decision.. I thought that was fair enough (you learn alot about mutual respect growing up in Hawaii so it wasnt my right to try and hold her back and force a decision),she actually decided to stay in hawaii as her decision... so I was patient with her and she told me she didn't want to see me, but she was very emotional when she said that.. The next day, she called me wanting to hangout, so we went for a surf and on a little date afterward and she kissed me and told me she loved me (were not broken up at this point, but technically were "on a break", me giving her space).. After that, I was confused but I'm persistent and in love with this girl.. She proceeds to ignore me the rest of the week and then we go to a concert together that weekend and everything is fine until about 2am she tells me she doesn't love me the same(tequila brings out the beast in woman I've determined).. But I'm not a dick and she had nowhere to go, so I let her pass out in my bed while I slept on the couch.. The next morning I was so broken inside but I couldn't let it show because she was still around, showing her i still cared I made her breakfast, helped her recover from her hangover, but being sure not to let myself become trapped by her stupid games.. When she left I told her she wasn't being fair to me and to not talk to me until she figures her stuff out. .fast forward another week, I told her we needed to talk and we met up for a mutual breakup, during that she told me she still loves me and kisses me, after we broke up, and told me that I'm everything she wants in a man, and then some .. again confusion.. I don't talk to her for 10 days, and when I showed up to a party at my friends house, the first person I make eye contact with is her.. I tried to not let it bother me and enjoy my friends company, but she's yelling my name across the party, trying to get my attention in many ways, texting me asking when I'm leaving, etc.. So we end up hanging out that night (post breakup) and she laid on my chest cuddled up against me, looked me dead in the eyes and told me that she loved me, and I could tell that she meant it but was saying that she needed to be alone right now.. Ok fair enough, but what that did was **** with me emotionally because i felt like she was trying to keep me around while she goes to figure her stuff out.. She was telling me that she loved me but showing the exact opposite by detaching herself from me and distancing herself. Also, she told me that she could see us being together in the future... So the next day I called her and told her that I didn't want to see because she led me on after the breakup, I was really mad on the phone and hung up on her... I had to put my foot down to protect myself, she was saying she wanted to be friends but I look at her as that special girl and want to avoid the friendzone at all costs. She is an angel to me though, and hurting her would hurt me.. I deleted her from Facebook and deleted her number haven't talked to her since that happened.. She thinks I hate her, truth is even after all this, i still love her with all of my heart and can see myself being 100% capable of forgiving her if she recognizes her actions and apologizes.. Even after the breakup nothing was awkward between us and the chemistry never died, and when we make eye contact we both still can't help but to smile at each other.. So I have myself a keeper woman who enjoys maryjane, surfing and rock music, that i know would be stupid of me to let her go, I don't want to live a life regretting letting her go, or pushing her away by telling her not to talk to me, and thinking of her as the "one who got away" So knowing this profoundly large and detailed back story, i present my question to you all, what do I do in this situation? I still want her back, but I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to push her away.. What does she mean by "I don't love you the same?" I have a theory it's because she's homesick and misses all of her friends and family back at home that she's Emotionally detached from Hawaii and the emotional detachment from where she lives is bringing on a lack of emotions toward the people she holds dear in Hawaii, but either scenario, those words felt like a dagger.. How Can I rekindle the old flame? Do you guys think there is hope for me? Should I just let her be for the summer time while she stabilizes herself? What if she doesn't come back? All are questions that flood my mind alot.. Could she just be Scared of the future?? Note: I am very independent as well and have been keeping busy as possible, surfing, setting goals, accomplishing things ever since the breakup.. My logical mind is back in tact after 3 weeks of absolutely no contact.. And I still find myself longing for her because I've never had this chemistry with anyone.. Recently she sent me a friend request on Facebook and been trying to reach out through the grapevine via mutual friends.. And i just don't know how to make sense of any of this... Any sort of advice on the steps I should take to reattract her and bring her back into life would be greatly appreciated.. No I'm not over her, I don't want to be over her, but i do not need her to be happy.. But I want her because I love the feeling of the love we share, And it's something different then the past "loves" I've had.. Usually i would just say **** em and go find another wave to surf, Because there's always a better wave (fish in the sea analogy) but because this is a more intense feeling of love i feel like I'd hurt myself if I let her slip through the cracks.. Another note, As in love with this girl as I am, I'm pretty emotionally sturdy and have never acted desperate or needy toward her, and would consider myself the alpha of the relationship.. Right now though, she has me by the balls and I don't like it haha Mahalos for any advice Keola
aisuru Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 You are in a tough spot my friend... Obviously you both have a good history and feelings. Right now, honestly? I think you continue no contact. You need to prioritize yourself right now. Because she's still wishy washy on her life. You're both young and that makes it so much harder for her. She may very well be the girl who returns home to her family, in spite of loving you. Your absence will allow her to figure her own life out. She needs the space, even if you both don't want it. It's the harder thing to do, but the right thing to do. You want her to make the best decision for HER. Whether it's staying with you, or returning to her family. Because you love her. It will hurt. But it's the respectable thing to do. She knows you love her. Give her time to figure out what is best for her. You don't have to be no contact forever.... Just right now give her some space to figure her head and heart out. It's the greatest gift you can give her and yourself. In the meantime, hang out with the rest of us broken hearts here.
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