loredo21 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have to ask this and in looking at psm's I have a similar question that may cause a big stir here. I guess I am just confused. I don't want to offend any BS's here as I resept and care for you all greatly. I just have to wonder if the MM are REALLY lying about their home life? My home life wasn't good. We truly never did have sex, we were very distant, he was working all the time, I was a miserable sick person and took everything out on him. I felt abandoned, he felt neglected. We rarely spent time together and when we did it always ended awfully. We had no date nights since the birth of our child. We had totally lost our connection. All of these things drove me to an affair and all of these things could have easily led my H to an A. If my H would have carried on an A with an OW he would not have been lying abotu our miserable life at home. It seems some of the BSs here continually say that MM was most definitely lying about his home life and that yes, he was still sleeping with his wife. And I am sorry, I jsut don't buy it. I think a lot of marriages end up this way and think that there are MM out there that are NOT lying about their home life. That most marriages do stink. Maybe they are liars by default because that's the nature of an A. But I like to think not all of them were lying. 7
Author loredo21 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 getting better every day. feel pretty good actually. thank you so much for asking 4
LadyLee Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Loredo, hi. whoa. lol. I am divorced and both my H and I cheated. There are millions of excuses but what I'm noticing is how unforgiven this board can be. It's like things are either black or white here and I'm noticing that in real life that is rarely the case. I for instance, married at 21, we stayed married for 15 yrs and had four children. The marriage wasn't horrible 100% of the time but whew when it was bad it was really bad. I feel that we were way too young and immature. Are there people who marry young and make it? Of course, but its just not the norm. By the end of my marriage it was completely bad. It was much as you described and it was like that for a while, and yes I had an A. It didn't justify it or make it right but it made life liveable. How is it totally impossible for a MM to not go through a similar situation? So I agree with your post. L 3
tryingto Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I too look forward to others responses but I will take a stab at my own... I definitely don't think ALL MM lie about the status of their marriage or their home life, but I can't help assume the majority of them do. It may not be even be conscious on some of their parts as it may just be embellishing or exaggerating the the marriage "negatives" in their mind. Speaking of my situation specifically, I'd like to think that my exMM didn't lie about everything. Our A was long distance so it was very, very hard to try to "verify" what I was told but over the course of our relationship I did end up catching him in several lies. Some small. Some not so small. So at the end of it all... all I can say is I really don't know? And there are times that I really wish I did know but ultimately, now that it's over, I guess it doesn't matter?
Goodbye Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have to assume my exMM lied about his home life with his wife. At least regarding where he slept (he said in the guest room or on the couch) and sex (he claimed they hadn't had sex for 6 months prior to the onset of our PA). I agree with Loredo that sexless marriages do exist. I was married for 17 years, and in the last 5 of those, sex was very rare, and in the last 2, non-existent. My exMM messed with my head which resulted in a complete lack of trust on my end. I talk about him here at LS as being a lying POS. He is and he isn't. I do know he loves/loved me. Truly. We've known each other since 1987. Ex-MM lied to me early on that his marriage was failing, that his wife wanted out and they were just working on the logistics of an uncontested divorce. Many months into our long distance relationship he confessed that he'd made that up so I "wouldn't blame myself" for the end of their marriage. This floored me for obvious reasons. I saw him once more after his confession and it was rocky...I knew the end was near unless he confessed to his wife. When I pressured him to do so, he told me he "needed space" to figure out his life. I interpreted this as "he needed privacy to conceal the affair and fix his marriage." He has emailed me twice recently, both times "swearing" he still has not had sex with his wife since January of 2012. He "swears" that he is "broken" and trying to fix himself so he can be with me. Maybe he is being honest? Who knows. How would I know. I don't. So in order to move forward in my life alone, I have told myself that he is pretty much a manipulative, cake eating man who bailed on me when he was afraid of being caught. Maybe he isn't. I doubt I'll ever find out. 1
Moanin Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have to ask this and in looking at psm's I have a similar question that may cause a big stir here. I guess I am just confused. I don't want to offend any BS's here as I resept and care for you all greatly. I just have to wonder if the MM are REALLY lying about their home life? My home life wasn't good. We truly never did have sex, we were very distant, he was working all the time, I was a miserable sick person and took everything out on him. I felt abandoned, he felt neglected. We rarely spent time together and when we did it always ended awfully. We had no date nights since the birth of our child. We had totally lost our connection. All of these things drove me to an affair and all of these things could have easily led my H to an A. If my H would have carried on an A with an OW he would not have been lying abotu our miserable life at home. It seems some of the BSs here continually say that MM was most definitely lying about his home life and that yes, he was still sleeping with his wife. And I am sorry, I jsut don't buy it. I think a lot of marriages end up this way and think that there are MM out there that are NOT lying about their home life. That most marriages do stink. Maybe they are liars by default because that's the nature of an A. But I like to think not all of them were lying. I agree with you 100%. I think only about 10% of marriages are happy (with both parties being happy). The bold lines above, accurately describe my marriage and many, many other marriages that I know as well (close friends and family). 1
So happy together Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 If a marriage was truly unbearable then people would walk away. The reality is that most WS want their marriage AND more which is why so few WS leave their spouse. I'm sure you even felt while in your affair: "I wish I could have this connection with my spouse instead of this other person". And that thought is testimony to how there were many things you still wanted/valued in your marriage that made you choose to affair instead of just leave. You choose to affair and fill voids instead of leave your spouse. But there was an even better choice: being honest with spouse about the deficits and their seriousness and deciding mutually to fix or walk. Then the whole affair fiasco and the lying, and esteem destruction that comes with it could have been avoided. People stay in awful situations for a myriad of reasons. It happens often. We ALL know people who grew up in dysfunction. Alcoholism, drug addiction, infidelity, emotional, physical abuse... people stay. Just because someone stays doesn't mean the relationship is good. This is absolutely false. 6
Leiden Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 If MM has lied about his relationship with his wife I haven't caught him in it. He's always been very honest with me about things at home when the topic comes up, even if it means giving me an answer he knows will be painful for me. I know he loves her, I know they have sex but not as much as he would like, I know he won't get a divorce unless she's the one to do it. I know they laugh together and share their own little running jokes that have been going on between them for years. He hasn't said any of the usual "we never have sex", "I sleep in another room", etc. What bad things he has said about her I also know to be true to some degree (heard it from her), but I also realize he's emotionally charged when angry with her and is probably exaggerating a bit at those times. Mostly, we talk about other things and don't worry about what each other are doing with spouses. That said, I am also married and do not have sex with my H near as much as some other couples (maybe once a month). We sleep in different rooms and have for a couple years now, we don't spend much time with one another either and holidays pretty much consist of "happy whatever-holiday" then going to our own rooms. I'm not even sure the last time we bought birthday presents for each other come to think of it haha MM is aware of some of that and has never stated it was an issue so I've never felt the need to lie to him either.
spice4life Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 My MM never spoke about his marriage so I have no clue what his home life was like outside of surface stuff about his kids activities. Can't really answer this one regarding him. 1
waterwoman Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I am sure that there is a grain of truth in everything that they say. We never have sex might mean we rarely have sex. She neglects might mean she doesn't hang on my every word. But there are three facts that should never be forgotten: 1. No marriage gets where it is due to the actions of just one spouse. If your MM was neglected, it's fairly certain his wife felt that way too. 2. He IS being a lying scumbag to his wife, the one that he made promises too. 3. He had the choice to fix the marriage or leave. He chose the third most selfish destructive option. Surely you have to agree that makes him less than perfect? 5
MissBee Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have to ask this and in looking at psm's I have a similar question that may cause a big stir here. I guess I am just confused. I don't want to offend any BS's here as I resept and care for you all greatly. I just have to wonder if the MM are REALLY lying about their home life? My home life wasn't good. We truly never did have sex, we were very distant, he was working all the time, I was a miserable sick person and took everything out on him. I felt abandoned, he felt neglected. We rarely spent time together and when we did it always ended awfully. We had no date nights since the birth of our child. We had totally lost our connection. All of these things drove me to an affair and all of these things could have easily led my H to an A. If my H would have carried on an A with an OW he would not have been lying abotu our miserable life at home. It seems some of the BSs here continually say that MM was most definitely lying about his home life and that yes, he was still sleeping with his wife. And I am sorry, I jsut don't buy it. I think a lot of marriages end up this way and think that there are MM out there that are NOT lying about their home life. That most marriages do stink. Maybe they are liars by default because that's the nature of an A. But I like to think not all of them were lying. There is no "all". Every MM doesn't lie about his home life. Many do though. My exAP didn't. But our situation wasn't him being married and living with his spouse, so there wasn't anything to lie about re: his home life. My dad though lied about his home life pointblank or omitted and exaggerated. I also think some people can get into an A and start rewriting their home life to assuage their guilt. But of course, I'm sure there are also As in which the home life is actually bad. I think the take away point is that, if you're in an affair, don't be naive and don't be so ready to believe everything, but keep your eyes and ears open and be critical. I also wasn't in an A where we bonded over the negativity in his relationship, so I can't relate to that. I'm not sure if I would have been able to do that. I think though it makes sense that maybe BSs here, esp those who have reconciled, really didn't have as bad a marriage as their own spouse may have portrayed, hence they were even able to reconcile. I have also seen a few BSs admit their were some issues in the marriage. However, again, is the WS exaggerating the nature of the problems or is it accurate? In any case, my advice would be to simply apply reasonable suspicion and also don't be your AP's therapist re: their marriage. Just like it would be really weird and even foolish to be dating someone on the rebound who all they can do is talk about their ex and essentially a large part of why they are with you is as a bandaid to soothe their hurt feelings from the breakup. If you wouldn't invest your emotions into a single person who is clearly on the rebound and has unfinished emotional issues with their ex, why accept it from a married person?
WanderedOff Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) I have to agree with many of the others that have posted in this thread. I am not lying to my MM when I say that my sex life is pretty non-existant. BUT to say I'm in a horrible R would be a lie. I don't have a horrible R. My SO and I get along well. Maybe too well. I love my SO, but somewhere the "in love" part of it went away he feels like by "brother". I know very well that Rs have it's ups and downs and that there are different types of love that a R goes through...you know, all that "text book" stuff about Rs. But that love that faded is extremely hard to get back. Maybe I haven't tried as hard as I SHOULD...but if I have to try, is that real love? I am by no means justifying my A. Quite honestly, I am not proud that I have/had an A, but things happen, you know? I wasn't looking for another man to come in and question my R...nor was I looking for someone to replace my SO...nor am I looking to replace a W...I'm just trying to be happy. Maybe we did get together too young. My SO and I were both in our early 20s, just finished college. As for the MM. He doesn't complain about his W. Actually, I don't want to hear about his M. I'm not stupid to think they're not having sex...he doesn't fill me with bull***** about wanting to D. From the way I see them, I mean, from what he does tell me about their M is that she is very controlling and he is hardly ever home. He wakes up in the morning, drives the kids to school, comes home to get ready for work, goes to work, takes a break to pick up the kids, goes back to work, and goes home at the end of the day. If he's a minute late, she's calling looking for him. I would like to think I add a break in his "routine", maybe bring "life" to his life...but hey, some guys like the mundane routines...who knows... Why don't I leave? Honestly? Fear....maybe. As crazy and illogical as this may sound...I don't want to hurt my SO. And yes, I know if he finds out I will hurt him. I did let go of the MM. It scared me to think of the people I will/have hurt. Edited May 23, 2013 by WanderedOff Add more 1
screwedovertwenty Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 My husband said he told her that "we didn't spend much time together anymore". I tend to believe that that is all that he said because he is a man of very few words. That was true. We didn't spend any time together. There was very little sex because I felt emotionally neglected. We worked opposite shifts. He would come home at midnight and I would get up at three in the morning. In the seventeen years since we had been married, we only had a handful of dates. We are both conflict avoidant, so many things went unresolved. We got along fine and very rarely fought, but our marriage sucked! We have worked very hard to change all of that. I changed my schedule to match up with his. We now carpool on the weekends and have the same two days off every week. We take our breaks together and meet for lunch. He has been helping me out a lot with my pet sitting business. We have been working together on projects around the house and getting a lot accomplished. We have been on a few "dates". There is now a lot more intamacy and a lot more sex! Things are not all sunshine and flowers though. I have questions and I have issues. I am having a hard time figuring out if he really loves me or if he is just staying "for the kids" and the fear of change. I don't think he finds me attractive anymore. I am attractive for fortyfour but he just spent the last year with a 26 year old dancer. I have panic attacks at work and nightmares and I wake up feeling like I can't breath. We have had a few really bad fights and I spent the night in a church parking lot one night. But he has been there so far. He doesn't always do the right thing, but he is trying. I understand why he had an affair, sort of. Our marriage sucked and I found myself drawn towards a few men over the years, and even had a friend suggest that I "date". I considered it. I couldn't do it. I decided to try harder instead at connecting with him. Unfortunately it was too little, too late and he started his affair a month after my big effort. I love my husband. I hate what happened to us and I hope that we can make this work. 3
findingnemo Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I have to ask this and in looking at psm's I have a similar question that may cause a big stir here. I guess I am just confused. I don't want to offend any BS's here as I resept and care for you all greatly. I just have to wonder if the MM are REALLY lying about their home life? My home life wasn't good. We truly never did have sex, we were very distant, he was working all the time, I was a miserable sick person and took everything out on him. I felt abandoned, he felt neglected. We rarely spent time together and when we did it always ended awfully. We had no date nights since the birth of our child. We had totally lost our connection. All of these things drove me to an affair and all of these things could have easily led my H to an A. If my H would have carried on an A with an OW he would not have been lying abotu our miserable life at home. It seems some of the BSs here continually say that MM was most definitely lying about his home life and that yes, he was still sleeping with his wife. And I am sorry, I jsut don't buy it. I think a lot of marriages end up this way and think that there are MM out there that are NOT lying about their home life. That most marriages do stink. Maybe they are liars by default because that's the nature of an A. But I like to think not all of them were lying. I just posted in another thread that WS' weave webs of lies around a bit of truth. Ms stink. Some Ms are so bad that both parties should be separated by force if necessary. However, there is something that is keeping them at home. What is it? It can't be something bad. In fact, the WS must think that leaving will be worse than staying or he/she would have left. If the M is as bad as the WS claims, how come they do their utmost to hide the A? Why even have an A? Why put an AP through the pain of a secret R if they feel justified to leave? If they truly love the AP and not the BS, then leave. Do they want people to believe that the BS is bad and the AP isn't good enough? In this triangle, the WS is the one who is loony. It is him/her who wants things that can't be obtained from any one R. They want that home life they complain about as well as the other life where they can pretend to be something else. 8
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I think unless you understand the fundamental differences between men and women, confusion will abound. Look who has posted on this thread: ALL women honestly admitting that when the emotional connection dries up, so do we and the sex stops. men would like an emotional connection, but it is not always necessary for him to feel sexual desire. In fact, the more he physically desires a woman, the more his emotions will follow, but it does NOT HAVE to. They are the complete opposite of women. Even if they have sex and feelings for another woman, IT DOES NOT mean he does not LOVE his wife or intends to leave her for you. Where women get themselves in trouble is in assuming men are like women emotionally. They are not. Where men get in trouble is in assuming women are like men biologically. We are not. Tread carefully in anything you are told IF it Leeds his biological desires. 3
NPP10 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 If the M is as bad as the WS claims, how come they do their utmost to hide the A? Why even have an A? Why put an AP through the pain of a secret R if they feel justified to leave? If they truly love the AP and not the BS, then leave. Do they want people to believe that the BS is bad and the AP isn't good enough? In this triangle, the WS is the one who is loony. It is him/her who wants things that can't be obtained from any one R. They want that home life they complain about as well as the other life where they can pretend to be something else. Very good point. I know mine made comments about how he didn't want to leave kids, his BS wouldn't know what to do around the house if he was gone (very pathetic of him to say), etc. He would say the reason for the A was that it wasn't that he was unhappy, they were more like roommates than a married couple. She told him (allegedly) that she doesn't want to be intimate anymore. He would also make comments such as "I'd be surprised if the marriage lasts more years" or "if things get bad enough for me to leave." I know he still cared about his BS during the A. Things he would say or do would show it; however, he did imply things that made him upset (anniversary dinner for one since she had to work late). It makes me wonder what happens after the A? He lost the emotional/physical connection we allegedly had and he has to go back to his roommate? Does this mean he'll just find another AP?
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Very good point. I know mine made comments about how he didn't want to leave kids, his BS wouldn't know what to do around the house if he was gone (very pathetic of him to say), etc. He would say the reason for the A was that it wasn't that he was unhappy, they were more like roommates than a married couple. She told him (allegedly) that she doesn't want to be intimate anymore. He would also make comments such as "I'd be surprised if the marriage lasts more years" or "if things get bad enough for me to leave." I know he still cared about his BS during the A. Things he would say or do would show it; however, he did imply things that made him upset (anniversary dinner for one since she had to work late). It makes me wonder what happens after the A? He lost the emotional/physical connection we allegedly had and he has to go back to his roommate? Does this mean he'll just find another AP? Most likely, yes. he will look for another kind, empathetic woman who grows attracted to him and is willing to fill his sexual needs in exchange for an emotional connection he will allow her to project upon him.
NPP10 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Most likely, yes. he will look for another kind, empathetic woman who grows attracted to him and is willing to fill his sexual needs in exchange for an emotional connection he will allow her to project upon him. Serial cheater at its finest, right? On a side note, despite me being told to "stay away from him as he nothing but bad news" I also found out during the A that this wasn't his first one.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Serial cheater at its finest, right? On a side note, despite me being told to "stay away from him as he nothing but bad news" I also found out during the A that this wasn't his first one. how sad for everyone, right? that is why so many affair gurus espouse exposure. NOTHING can be FIXED until all parties are informed of the truth. EVEN then, nothing may change.
carhill Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Some people lie about their home life. Some people don't. Also, expressing feelings, something I found to be quite common with MW's, is not the same as 'lying' because feelings can't be verified. This is smart. Abuse can be verified. Physical abandonment can be verified. STD's can be verfied. 'I don't feel attractive/attracted to my spouse anymore', not so much. Over the decades, what I've learned to do to deal with this dynamic is to hear the 'bla, bla, bla' about a person's spouse/home life as noise. As long as they're married to the spouse, they're married to them. It's a choice. Rather than attempt to be the arbiter of truth, I accept the obvious. Ring on finger + go home to spouse at night = married, so EOS. If they need/want therapy, there are professionals, including sexual surrogates, to help. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Neither one of us ever trashed our spouses. There were things about her that drove him crazy and, I don't believe he was ever head over heels in love with her. That is obvious by the toast made at their wedding by the best man (we were there and my daughter reminded me of it) and also a conversation a few years pre-affair where he was telling me that she was paranoid he was having an affair then and he started coming home early from sales meetings because she was so paranoid. He said then that he had had such bad dating experiences that when she came along he said "I'll take it". He settled - she was a good match for the families because they knew and like each other, etc. She is a nice girl and she is a good mother. My husband is a good provider, good dad, good husband, etc. Neither one of us was looking for an affair when we ended up in it. The attraction and chemistry grew and grew from the time we started working together in a music environment. We both loved each other's families and children, so other than complaining a bit about little things, he never said he had a bad homelife. I do question whether they really only had sex 2 times a month at best and it was because he wasn't interested but who knows? I always believe I was honest with him about wanting to be with him. I think he was honest with me in MOST ways (not all) because I do believe he loved us both - his wife and myself but had to stay where his responsibilities were. The promises made to her and his family and his sense of obligation far outweigh any promises he made to me, no matter how badly it hurts. How he twisted things was he was very good at taking his written word to me and explaining it a very different way with a different meaning when she got ahold of the emails or letters. Or when he told my daughter that I would always be first in my heart. When that came out he said "that wasn't exactly what he said". My daughter said "Mom, that was exactly what he said". And why would she have reason to tell me that? Most kids want their parents to stay together so she would have no reason to tell me that if it weren't true. That was probably the first real indication I had that he was spinning everything that he had said. Well, his BW is buying it all and even though I miss him, he's her problem to deal with and he is a salesman - and a good one.
Spotme Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Interesting question. My H says he did not complain about me/the marriage except to say there were issues he was not telling me about. I have no way to truly verify that, except to say that the AP was someone I know, and who socialized with us as a family, and her main interest was in pretending that I no longer existed (that analysis has been triangulated from several sources/events, so I am comfortable stating that as fact) and H accommodated her by never talking about me if at all possible - going so far as to be vague about our family activities every weekend so that she could imagine it was just him and our daughter doing things together, according to him. Now, she pursued him (verified information), so he didn't need to talk down the M as part of wooing her so to speak. Those issues he mentioned to her turned out to be mountains made out of molehills once he told me, though I believe they did loom large in his mind. He has since spontaneously uttered (not during the course of Serious Marital Discussions) "I can't believe I was so stupid. Why did I think I couldn't tell you these things?" What did happen, though, was that our relationship took a big hit during the affair because he was putting all his negative energy on me so that he could put his positive energy into the affair, and we did get disconnected although we never stopped having sex several times a week. That brings me to the issue of perspective. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week, but were otherwise not affectionate (he was working very long hours and blaming his increasingly bad attitude on work stress). Also, H has a high sex drive, so he always wanted more. I had a hard enough time getting in the mood for the sex we were having, though, given the emotional disconnect that was happening. Anyway, he came to me about half way through the EA, several months before the PA started, and told me he needed more affection and more sex from me, putting all the blame on me, leaving me resentful that he was never home and when he was, he never reached out for me, but somehow it was all my fault (naturally he did not admit what he had been doing with the AP). In any case, he started coming home earlier and I went into overdrive trying to be the perfect wife, making the perfect home in all ways while still working bad being the primary parent), always making sure to show affection and have more sex, but none of that was enough, because he was too involved in the affair to notice. All this is to say that from his perspective, he had legitimate complaints about me/the M, but he was not being at all honest with himself about his very large contributions to the problem.
NPP10 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 how sad for everyone, right? that is why so many affair gurus espouse exposure. NOTHING can be FIXED until all parties are informed of the truth. EVEN then, nothing may change. Piggy-backing on the OP and this--my main question to myself about any lies was did his wife know about the other affair? I think this was the only thing I really questioned. He said she didn't and it ended without her knowledge. However, if his friend told me he is nothing but bad news (this was his W's good friend; and this comment I never told him) it was a red flag. Maybe she was in the dark, perhaps she found out but he didn't want to tell me, or she knows but never told him she knows.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Interesting question. My H says he did not complain about me/the marriage except to say there were issues he was not telling me about. I have no way to truly verify that, except to say that the AP was someone I know, and who socialized with us as a family, and her main interest was in pretending that I no longer existed (that analysis has been triangulated from several sources/events, so I am comfortable stating that as fact) and H accommodated her by never talking about me if at all possible - going so far as to be vague about our family activities every weekend so that she could imagine it was just him and our daughter doing things together, according to him. Now, she pursued him (verified information), so he didn't need to talk down the M as part of wooing her so to speak. Those issues he mentioned to her turned out to be mountains made out of molehills once he told me, though I believe they did loom large in his mind. He has since spontaneously uttered (not during the course of Serious Marital Discussions) "I can't believe I was so stupid. Why did I think I couldn't tell you these things?" What did happen, though, was that our relationship took a big hit during the affair because he was putting all his negative energy on me so that he could put his positive energy into the affair, and we did get disconnected although we never stopped having sex several times a week. That brings me to the issue of perspective. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week, but were otherwise not affectionate (he was working very long hours and blaming his increasingly bad attitude on work stress). Also, H has a high sex drive, so he always wanted more. I had a hard enough time getting in the mood for the sex we were having, though, given the emotional disconnect that was happening. Anyway, he came to me about half way through the EA, several months before the PA started, and told me he needed more affection and more sex from me, putting all the blame on me, leaving me resentful that he was never home and when he was, he never reached out for me, but somehow it was all my fault (naturally he did not admit what he had been doing with the AP). In any case, he started coming home earlier and I went into overdrive trying to be the perfect wife, making the perfect home in all ways while still working bad being the primary parent), always making sure to show affection and have more sex, but none of that was enough, because he was too involved in the affair to notice. All this is to say that from his perspective, he had legitimate complaints about me/the M, but he was not being at all honest with himself about his very large contributions to the problem. THIS should be read OVER and OVER again until it sinks in. This is the perfect anatomy of an affair. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 If a marriage was truly unbearable then people would walk away. The reality is that most WS want their marriage AND more which is why so few WS leave their spouse. I'm sure you even felt while in your affair: "I wish I could have this connection with my spouse instead of this other person". And that thought is testimony to how there were many things you still wanted/valued in your marriage that made you choose to affair instead of just leave. You choose to affair and fill voids instead of leave your spouse. But there was an even better choice: being honest with spouse about the deficits and their seriousness and deciding mutually to fix or walk. Then the whole affair fiasco and the lying, and esteem destruction that comes with it could have been avoided. Good Grief...Here we go again... Some will and some wont... Right or wrong, MANY people put keeping the family together over personal gratification. Some people choose mild misery over total fiinancial collapse.... Your post is just chock full of broad genrealizations...You would be shocked how many people are coexisting in loveless marriages for the sake of kids/money or whatever...That doesn't necessarily make them wrong to do so, just that its what they decided to do... TFY 5
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