Fiance giving me the silent treatment for almost a week now

[ryla84]

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. We were planning for a wedding in Dec.

 

The day before he disappeared we had an argument about him playing video games. That night before we slept, we settled things and everything was fine.... well at least that's what I thought because the next day, he just stopped talking. I msged him "Gd morning" as usual and he didn't respond. I didn't message any further that day, thinking maybe he just needed some space. But I never heard from him that day either. The next day I left him a message saying I was really hurt by his silent treatment and that if he needed space or if something is bothering him, he can just communicate with me. It's been almost a week and I still hear nothing from him.

 

He is not dead by the way. He is online playing video games with his friends. We're both in our mid-twenties.

 

My friends and family has advised me to just pull myself away from him. It is incredibly irresponsible for someone to just disappear from their loved one. Furthermore I'm about to marry this guy. The amount of pain I'm going through right now...I can't even describe it.

 

I've spoken to his Mom and she said he hasn't picked up her calls either.

I know men like this are not worth it and I should be thankful that I see the real him before I marry him. But 5 years of being together, I could at least get some closure.

 

What should I do? I can't stand looking at my engagement ring. Should I try contacting him again? Do I just send the ring and move on with my life?

 

Please help

[Balzac]

Why do I think there's more to this story?

[ryla84]

Why do I think there's more to this story?

 

I'm sorry I didn't want to end up with a lengthy post. But if it helps, I can explain further.

 

My fiance lost his job last Feb. He's under the unemployment scheme and I send him money every month to help with things as well. He moved in with friends last month to save money on rent and that's where things become crazy.

 

He refuses to look for work. He would sleep for 18-20 hrs and spends his waking hours playing video games. I admit there are times I scolded him for his behaviour. I just want him to get his life sorted out. I'm here to support him but it's really painful to see him wasting his life away.

 

Anyway the arguement about the video game was him being a "troll" and "jerk" towards some other online player and I confronted him about it. He doesn't have to act like that - its just a game. He didn't like it, he said his friends overheard our conversation.

 

My fiance is not a bad guy otherwise I don' think we would have lasted for so long. He is loving and sweet man and does have a history of disappearing when he's stressed and we've talked about it.

 

Its just been one too many disappearing acts and this time I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong to deserve such a treatment. In fact, its normal for couples to fight but you don't just disappear and run away from the situation.

 

It just hurts so much...

[ryla84]

What was the argument about in relation to the video game? Does he play them too much? Does he neglect you?

 

You can't control his actions, and if you've tried to get in contact with him and he's not responding, then the only thing you can do is wait and see what happens next. It's really hard, but you can't make him pick up his phone if you call him. The best way to make him contact you, is to disappear.

 

Thank you so much for your advise. I've not contacted him since my last msg but it really hurts to see him online playing video games. Doesn't he care where I am or how I am doing? We're about to get married. I'm so sad I can't even concentrate on my work. I called in sick today

[Balzac]

Doesn't he care where I am or how I am doing?

 

While I understand your personalizing this, from your story it's

seemingly about his personal struggle. Surely a guy w/o a job

and about to marry ~ it's fraught w internal struggle. The video games

are a symptom, not the basic problem.

[ryla84]

While I understand your personalizing this, from your story it's

seemingly about his personal struggle. Surely a guy w/o a job

and about to marry ~ it's fraught w internal struggle. The video games

are a symptom, not the basic problem.

 

I understand what you're saying. Playing games is probably his way of de-stressing himself. The month after he lost job, we were doing great. We had everything planned out, I was supporting him, trying to be his cheerleader throughout the period. Its only after he moved in with his friends things start to change. I admit I don't understand men sometimes but after being together for 5 years, I learn that its better to step back and give him the space to think. Its just that he has never disappeared for this long ever, usually after one-two days he'll be back and apologise for acting the way he did.

 

I'm so distraught by this silent treatment. Everyone tells me to just wait and let him contact me. I wish its easier said than done. I don't know how long I need to wait.

[Balzac]

Wait for what? Your options are clear. Your plan is for a Dec wedding, it's basically June. You've signed venue contracts or not.

 

At some moment ~ contact w him or not ~ this becomes about

conflict resolution skills.

 

It's clear you're upset. The problem for you right now is to step

back and allow him to be his authentic self. Don't put his

mom in the middle. It could be as simple as him living the

carefree single life and pondering his next step.

[ryla84]

I just had a conversation with his Mom also and apparently he hasn't contacted her for a month. He refused to pick up her calls also.

 

She told me that he loves me and not to leave him. I know relationships are hard, but oh man, this is affecting everything in my life right now.

 

I can't work, I just want to stay in bed and cry. I have been surfing the net reading forums and article just trying to understand what's going on.

[Balzac]

Invest your time in understanding yourself. A guy w/o a job/withdrawn/is depressed or afraid to tell you/mom......no wedding. That's my best

assessment. Pressuring him, getting yourself all wound up serves

no useful purpose other than to clarify in your own mind ~ is this marriage

what I want.

[ryla84]

Invest your time in understanding yourself. A guy w/o a job/withdrawn/is depressed or afraid to tell you/mom......no wedding. That's my best assessment. Pressuring him, getting yourself all wound up serves

no useful purpose other than to clarify in your own mind ~ is this marriage

what I want.

 

You are right. In all honesty, I don't care if there's not going to be a wedding this year. What I am really concern of is the relationship. Is this how two people deal with their problems..by just disappearing?

 

I've not pressured him in any way ever since he disappeared. The only thing I said was how much I was hurt and that if he needs time and space, we can communicate. Is that pressurizing?

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your response. At the end of the day, this is something I have to deal by myself. It's been really tough.

[Balzac]

It's always tough when a loved one disappoints. You're correct that it's you alone to ponder what his actions indicate for future stress as life

is rarely devoid of stressful challenge.

 

You are both working adults so I'm guessing education process is completed.

It sounds as if his moving in w buddies was a reduce costs decision.

If you're underwriting his expenses ~ how long are you willing to do so?

[ryla84]

It's always tough when a loved one disappoints. You're correct that it's you alone to ponder what his actions indicate for future stress as life

is rarely devoid of stressful challenge.

 

You are both working adults so I'm guessing education process is completed.

It sounds as if his moving in w buddies was a reduce costs decision.

If you're underwriting his expenses ~ how long are you willing to do so?

 

Yes that's what he said about moving with his friends. I'm sorry I don't understand your question about underwriting expenses. Do you mean how long am I willing to continue sending him money?

 

I send him money every first week of the month. I don't expect any repayment. Couples help each other through hard times. If I don't hear him till then, I don't see how I am even able to give him the money.

[Balzac]

It's not about the money except your statements indicate

that you're perhaps enabling him/or he's in need of professional

assessment for depression.

 

Is this the loss of his first adult job?

[ryla84]

It's not about the money except your statements indicate

that you're perhaps enabling him/or he's in need of professional

assessment for depression.

 

Is this the loss of his first adult job?

 

Yes this is the first time he got fired. Forgive me if this is a very naive question. Why does he suddenly act like this now? He seems fine before that. Could it be possible that the reality of it only hit him now or perhaps the past months he was just pretending he was fine but in actual fact the stress of it all has been eating him inside.

 

Thinking about this now, I wish I can just go to him and give him a hug and tell him everything is going to be ok but I can't.

[Balzac]

Fired and the ramifications maybe just became reality OR the problem began earlier and precipitated his termination. Whatever it is, self sabotage to coerce you into drama ~ I see not much downside to doing nothing.

 

Pull yourself together however best way is good and let this

unwind. Maintain your life and job and friends.

[ryla84]

Fired and the ramifications maybe just became reality OR the problem began earlier and precipitated his termination. Whatever it is, self sabotage to coerce you into drama ~ I see not much downside to doing nothing.

 

Pull yourself together however best way is good and let this

unwind. Maintain your life and job and friends.

 

Thanks Balzac. I'm afraid pulling myself together is going to take some time. I'm going to feed myself some ice-cream now. That should heal some of the pain

[Balzac]

You can do it. Enjoy your frozen pint and go to work tomorrow.

 

Keep posting here. Others will chime in.

[eleve82]

Having an ex who likes to go gaming and has gone into a semi-"caveman" mode, I think I can somewhat understand. Do not panic yet, but take this opportunity to watch him closely. He may be going through difficult times but how he reacts to this will be a good reflection of how he will act towards you in future when other problems surface. You seem also to have suspicions than this could be true and from my own experience, I tend to agree. When I lost my job, I did not behave like this even when I was down.

 

Now, Some guys fall easily into the habit of going hours gaming with their online community, this appears to be fairly common even with guys in their 30s. Because its a virtual community with an often competitive streak, some can end up using it as an escapist route to feeling independent and free - a space where they need not account to anyone or think of their real world problems. I've heard of married men posting pictures of their fantasy women on gaming forums, which is probably worse than trolling. Living together with gaming friends is even worse - there is some truth in the saying that "you become who you choose to be around with". If they are immature blokes who think nothing of putting games before anything else, this environment may also be a contributing factor to his behaviour.

 

This being said, you need to assess his level of maturity. If he has always been an escapist who avoids confrontations and difficult situations, this could be a warning sign to you. Who is to say that someone who pushes you away during difficult times will not do the same to you after you get married? This is a serious consideration and will not disappear overnight. 5 years after seeing early symptoms of such behaviour, my ex is still the same.

 

Since you have some time before getting married, try talking to him sensibly, tell him your concerns but don't push. Give him space but reinforce your position that he needs to keep you in his life. Don't suffer in silence and let this become a pattern - if you are getting married, he has to start being accountable to your feelings.

[ryla84]

Thank you Eleve for the advise

 

Thought I'll just update on things. I still haven't heard from him but I'm feeling a lot better now thanks to Starbucks and listening to Adele all night lol!

 

I realize it was such a struggle for me the past few days because he had always been there for me. We used to spent hours and hours together and to have him go quiet and refusing to respond, it was a shock. Now I feel much more calmer and more focus on my own life now.

 

However, I can't help thinking how terrible it is to isolate yourself away from your own family and your loved ones. Is he probably suffering too?

[KatZee]

He refuses to look for work. He would sleep for 18-20 hrs and spends his waking hours playing video games. I admit there are times I scolded him for his behaviour. I just want him to get his life sorted out. I'm here to support him but it's really painful to see him wasting his life away.

 

Red Flag #1. Unfortunately as much as it hurts you to see him "wasting his life away" he doesn't view it this way. He's perfectly happy just having zero responsibility in life. He's perfectly happy living with his friends, and playing his video games. He's essentially a grown child.

 

Also, you shouldn't have to "scold" him. You're not his mother, and that's the role you have fallen into. You're a girlfriend/fiancee/and soon to be WIFE. It is not your job to scold him like a mother, act like a mother figure, or to help him "get his life sorted." That is NOT.YOUR.JOB. As much as you mean well, he resents you for this. He does not want you acting this way, majority of guys do not want their future wives acting like this. You mean well, all he hears is nagging.

 

Also, no matter what you do, you can't force him to change, or get him to change unless he wants to. It's clear he doesn't want to. So all your venting, pushing, nagging, scolding... it's only added stress on you when you're not getting your desired result. Stop.

 

 

My fiance is not a bad guy otherwise I don' think we would have lasted for so long. He is loving and sweet man and does have a history of disappearing when he's stressed and we've talked about it.

 

He may not be a bad guy but he is NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL. You don't think you would have lasted this long? You've been supporting him! You've "lasted this long" because of you and all of your sacrifices. What is HE doing to help with the relationship? He can't even provide a home environment for you, and you're supposed to be getting MARRIED?!?!?

 

You guys may have lasted 5 years in some pseduo relationship, but I am guaranteeing you right now you two won't last 5 minutes in a marriage. How do you plan on having a life, or a family with a guy who has no incentive to even get a job? How are you going to buy a home, and sustain a home with a guy who spends 18-20 hours sleeping, and the rest of his time playing video games? YOU CAN'T.

 

He also has a history of these disappearing acts, and you've "talked about it." What have your talks done? NOTHING. He has no reason to change, because you accept his behavior. You talk, and he hears... nothing. In one ear, out the other because there are no consequences. He can ignore you for a week, or longer, make you feel like crap, essentially "punish" you for whatever it is he think you did, and then comes back like nothing.

 

You've spend 5 years with this man-child. What you see, is what you're getting. If you go through with a marriage, prepare for a very hard, uphill struggle with this person. You will never have things you want, you will never get him where you want him to be. He's fine coasting around.

 

Honestly, I've been where you are. I spent 3 years with a guy who did exactly what yours is doing. I really am sad for the fact you've agreed to a marriage with this person. I can recall how horrible my ex made me feel, to the point that I was bending over backwards, and I became a shell of myself always trying to say the right thing, do the right thing, "act and behave" the right way, just to ensure he wouldn't pull a vanishing act on me and leave me confused and hurting again.

 

I actually thank God he dumped me, because that was the greatest gift he ever gave me. He set me free. The state he left me in, so insecure, walking on eggshells, I didn't have the strength to leave him.

 

Where do you stand with the marriage? Do you plan on staying?

[eleve82]

Ryla, I hear your pain, glad you are feeling a little better. Do keep us posted - I hope it works out and you can at least have a sensible talk with him to find out what is going on! He owes you that much at least!

[KatZee]

You're venting too much of your own personal experience into this.

 

You quite obviously didn't even read my post then. The first 7 paragraphs of a 9 paragraph post are not about me at all. But thanks for playing. Did you have anything of substance to add or are you just here to critique my post?

[KraftDinner]

I really hope you're u're strongly considering the idea of just ending things. Do you think he's trying to prove a point? If so, what might it be? I'm sorry but he takes your money but doesn't think he has to return your calls? Talk about disrespect.

 

I really hope you are thinking about cutting him off. Not only do you not deserve this treatment, which really warrants him being cut off, but how can be respect you knowing he can do whatever he likes and you'll be there patiently waiting like someone who can be walked on like a doormat?

 

There's also a good chance that he may have some sort of injured pride scenario, being supported by his fiancee, and is trying to prove that he still has the upper hand.

 

If my fiance ignored me for a whole day, I wouldn't be sitting there waiting patiently.

 

What message do you think he's trying to send?

 

What message ate you actually receiving?

 

What message are you sending by putting up with this and just waiting for him to come back on his own terms?

 

This is a huge red flag. He handles conflict by disappearing. Ignoring someone you love is a form of emotional abuse. Looking at it that way, do you think it is a good idea to just let him get away with treating you like this while you just wait for the honor of being contacted?

 

What you should do., easier said than done I know, is cut off his gravy train and send back the ring. I personally think his behavior has effectively ended the relationship.

Edited May 26, 2013 by KraftDinner

[KraftDinner]

I really hope you're u're strongly considering the idea of just ending things. Do you think he's trying to prove a point? If so, what might it be? I'm sorry but he takes your money but doesn't think he has to return your calls? Talk about disrespect.

 

I really hope you are thinking about cutting him off. Not only do you not deserve this treatment, which really warrants him being cut off, but how can be respect you knowing he can do whatever he likes and you'll be there patiently waiting like someone who can be walked on like a doormat?

 

There's also a good chance that he may have some sort of injured pride scenario, being supported by his fiancee, and is trying to prove that he still has the upper hand.

 

If my fiance ignored me for a whole day, I wouldn't be sitting there waiting patiently.

 

What message do you think he's trying to send?

 

What message ate you actually receiving?

 

What message are you sending by putting up with this and just waiting for him to come back on his own terms?

 

This is a huge red flag. He handles conflict by disappearing. Ignoring someone you love is a form of emotional abuse. Looking at it that way, do you think it is a good idea to just let him get away with treating you like this while you just wait for the honor of being contacted?

 

What you should do., easier said than done I know, is cut off his gravy train and send back the ring. I personally think his behavior has effectively ended the relationship.

 

Sorry for all the mistakes. I just downloaded a new keyboard for my phone and it's weird.

[KathyM]

Too many red flags with this guy.

 

#1 Plays video games as his top priority.

 

#2 Refuses to communicate with you to resolve issues.

 

#3 Is not being responsible, got fired from his job, and rather than looking for a new one, has reverted into irresponsible child mode playing video games all day.

 

This is not a guy that is ready to get married. This is a guy that has a lot of growing up to do. I would suggest you give him the ring back, and tell him he obviously is not ready to be married and needs to get some immaturity out of his system first.