unsafe Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 I have been dating a guy for awhile now its kinda complicated I wont get into that. Just know that I have known him for about 10 months now and we are finally getting somewhere. He asked me if we would only be with each other. I agreed. So its been like this for a while now. He is weird and got issues..insecurties alot of them. But I stay at his place 3 or 4 times a week sometimes I stay all weekend. We have so much fun and I really well I love him. I have told him and he tells me he thinks he feels that same but doesn't say it and I dont' say it either just told him once when I looked into his eyes and felt it. Anyway he asked me to move in with him a month ago and we have been going back and forth on the idea for a while. I decided no because he gets weird and says he doesn't know how he feels sometimes he likes me and I make him feel good and happy he just isn't sure. Then why ask a girl to live with you? The other night he and I were out having a drink and he turned to me and said do you think you and I will ever get married. I said I didn't know because truthfully I'm not sure if I can see that yet. I know I like him alot but his insecurities get to me alot. But I know I hate spending a day away from him. He always asks to see me. which I would think to be a good sign. he was in New York last week and called me 5 times a day. It was nice. Anyway...then the other day he and I were talking on line while we were both at work and he said he wouldn't like it but would understand if I ment someone else because he doesn't want to ever get married and he knows I do. But for some reason he brings up me and him getting married alot and has since about 6 months into knowning each other he would say things like lets go to vegas and get married. Would you marry me and then says no I'm kidding. but its weird a guy who says he never wants to get married...is bring this up. I'm not? so why is he? I wont move in especially since he seems to have closed the door on every having the option of marriage someday or maybe he just says that to feel better about things. he was burned really bad with his last relationship. Anyone have advise or thoughts on this matter...please help me clear my mind.
overseas2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Hi All I can say is that his behaviour is a big red flag. I know its not easy but I think that people should not stay in relationships where thier greater goals do not match. You are at the point where you are questioning if what he is telling you is true. You site examples of him brining up marriage. He is asking you if you want to marry him etc.... He may very well be trying to find out if you want that, so that he knows where you stand. But if a man told me that I should try to find someone else.... because its unfair that he does not want to get married.. to me that would be a huge red flag. I would have a hard time staying in the relationship (as I am sure you are, because you have posted so it must be eating at you). Am I right? When I was 28, I had a 25 year old boyfriend, that I just adored to death. He was handsome and so cool. The problem in our relationship was that he was new to America, had nothing, and was in a totally different place then I was in life. He was working construction and planning on saving money to go to school etc.... I already had graduated from law school and I was a successful attorney. I had money. etc... Anyway, I was totally ready for a committed relationship, and he on the flip side was not. One day he asked me "do you see us getting married and having kids"? I too thought that this was a sign that he was getting serious. I tried to hide what I felt though because something told me he may bolt. Well after six months of going out he dumped me. Told me what I knew in my heart all along. Not ready for commitment... lots of plans ahead of me. Anyway, all I am trying to tell you with this example is that you should trust your instincts. What are they telling you? Are you and your new guy a disaster waiting to happen? Are you going to be devastated when it does happen? Yup... So here is my advice. I would tell him that you find it completely unacceptable to be with someone who tells you that you should find someone else. Tell him also that you care for him very deeply and that you have a great relationship which you enjoy very much but that his views about marriage and commitment leave you uneasy. Tell him you dont want to be in a relationship where you already know how its going to end because you find that boring and you think that you deserve more. And tell him goodbye. AND MEAN IT. If he truly cares and loves you he will change his mind and will respect you greatly for having ended something that was not good for you. In addition to that, it will set up some boundaries in the relationship. It will inform him of things he is allowed to say to you and what he is not allowed to say to you. Personally I find it disrespectful to be told that you should find someone else. And to me that indicates that alot of other insults are on the way. If he doesn't come back then you will have saved yourself some time and headache and pain. I know this is hard core what I am saying and that its almost impossible to do unless you have like a will of steel. But I am also totally sure that this is the right thing to do. His behaviour indicates to me that you will eventually break up because of his views. I would avert the disaster now.
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