Is this a rebound? should I end it?

[lop98]

Hi

 

I broke up with my bf in early February... I tried to break up several times but he wouldn't let me, then some misunderstanding happened and he ignored me for days, which I considered as a (coward) way of breaking up... I was devastated, the relationship in general had been short but very intense and draining for me, we were very much in love but the distance became a nightmare to deal with (reason why I'd try to break up). He tried to get back, first by fighting and just being mean and unrecognizable, then by trying to open up again, but I was just very hurt and confused about what was happening. Around this time (mid Feb) I met a guy at a party I ended up in just to not go crazy in my room... I had swollen eyes, looked the worst I've ever looked and for some reason he seemed fascinated and just kept talking to me. We exchanged numbers and that was it, I had absolutely no piece of mind for anything other than my ex and the breakup... I fell into a deep depression, couldn't eat, study, nothing. Then my ex rebounded with some chick, which was a major blow for me, and I finally went NC.

 

It took me weeks to assimilate NC and come to terms (sort of) with the fact that it was really over. When this happened, I started replying to this guy's texts... and I felt sane again, we'd have conversations so easily and they could go on for hours... then we met at a party, got physical, then a few more dates... the usual. I adore him, I like him a lot physically, intellectually, everyone around me likes me (and don't want to hear anything about my ex..). When I'm with him I feel the best and lightest I've felt in years, empowered, but I have this need to talk to him literally all day (of course this doesn't happen, I try not to be clingy), when I don't see him for days or hear from him during the day, my mind is devoted to thinking on what went wrong with my ex, on whether he misses me or remembers me at all, what he's doing now... I cry everyday, especially after having a good time with the guy I'm seeing now and coming home and realizing I am really with someone else, it just hurts so much that it's over and I've been thrown into this next chapter of life before I even noticed... last night I dreamed of my ex and his girlfriend and they were teasing each other just like I was teasing this guy a couple days ago in my bed.. I woke up in a bad mood, just imagining that he must be doing with her what I do with him.

 

I was talking to a girl about my ex that night when I met this guy... if I remember correctly he even joined the conversation at one point (I was a little drunk), he remembers so many details of that night that he has to remember this part... problem is, I haven't addressed this with him yet, and he hasn't asked me, I feel so incapable of touching the subject without crying and if I cry I'll just scare him off and raise all sorts of questions. The other day when I mentioned casually that I was failing the entire semester in school he looked at me baffled and asked why... I said I had gradually lost interest for no reason and was having a hard time getting it back, I thought for a second of explaining things but I already felt the tears too close in my eyes. I don't know how I said it but he texted me the next day saying he was surprised to hear me talking like that and wanted to give me energy to focus again in school.

 

I don't want him to go away... I feel like I'm slowly healing thanks to him and I want him in my life but I don't feel ready to talk to him about it, I think he will want to keep a distance, or he'll feel used. Is this all bad? do I really need to have this conversation with him? am I being too selfish? should I let him go and heal on my own? I feel like I go crazy on my own.. besides, nothing's remotely formal, I think we're both having a good time and are still getting to know each other... what worries me is that he's been doing crazy things like traveling the other day to meet me in a city I was working at, he stood by me when a relative was at the hospital... what to do? should I keep on waiting till the right time to address this comes? is it even that important if it's all still very casual?

Edited May 22, 2013 by lop98

[TaraMaiden]

He sounds completely committed.

You are prevaricating because i think there's an element where you fear getting hurt again....

You keep thinking of your ex and sabotaging this relationship.

 

If you really like him, and he makes you feel good, stick with it.

 

My ex was a rebound.

It was a rebound that lasted 25 years.....

[aisuru]

I'm a little tained by my most recent experience.

 

I was hung up on some things and emotionally frail and empty when I met my ex. I tried to push him away repeatedly, ignored him when he would come over, and quite honestly, was sometimes outright rude to me. But I liked him and was drawn to him. I knew he was a good guy for me.

 

Unfortunately, I was having obsessive thoughts the first six months of our relationship about somebody else and other things. Not a good headspace to be in.

 

By the time, I was coming out of that fog and realizing my feelings for the ex.... I think he was starting to have concerns, aka second thoughts.

 

Personally? I wish I'd kept him a little more distant from me until I had healed from the previous situation. But I'm projecting my story on yours...

 

Rebounds can become really solid relationships. They can be good for us.

 

Right now I'm concerned that your thoughts/feelings/emotions are all over the place? Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through all of this?

[lop98]

Thank you for responding. I just feel so compromised and like I'm pulling some kind of scam, not just with him but with everyone around me, friends and relatives talking on how good he is and how I look so much "better" now that I'm with him and he's always bringing up personality traits I never even had (like being persuasive).. I try to acknowledge my responsibility, from the moment I decided to text him back up to this but it all still feels like a bad and very long dream that started with my ex, and then the breakup and the heartbreak and this person that didn't exist in my life 4 months ago, a person that seems to be dating someone with qualities that aren't real. I am all over the place emotionally, it's been months I feel absolutely powerless over the way my life is heading and how I feel and act, it's like I just abandoned the wheel and let it all run on its own and can't find my way back... I thought of therapy but I can't afford it so I started working out more intensely, trying to meditate and have fun, I'm a lot better than I was in March but when I'm on my own it's clearer than ever that it's all facade and I'm still far from feeling mentally sane... I wish I could hang on to him on this particular issue and find shelter, or at least have the decency of being honest about where I really am emotionally, but I'm scared he won't want me, I wouldn't want all that mess in a relationship.

[aisuru]

Thank you for responding. I just feel so compromised and like I'm pulling some kind of scam, not just with him but with everyone around me, friends and relatives talking on how good he is and how I look so much "better" now that I'm with him and he's always bringing up personality traits I never even had (like being persuasive).. I try to acknowledge my responsibility, from the moment I decided to text him back up to this but it all still feels like a bad and very long dream that started with my ex, and then the breakup and the heartbreak and this person that didn't exist in my life 4 months ago, a person that seems to be dating someone with qualities that aren't real. I am all over the place emotionally, it's been months I feel absolutely powerless over the way my life is heading and how I feel and act, it's like I just abandoned the wheel and let it all run on its own and can't find my way back... I thought of therapy but I can't afford it so I started working out more intensely, trying to meditate and have fun, I'm a lot better than I was in March but when I'm on my own it's clearer than ever that it's all facade and I'm still far from feeling mentally sane... I wish I could hang on to him on this particular issue and find shelter, or at least have the decency of being honest about where I really am emotionally, but I'm scared he won't want me, I wouldn't want all that mess in a relationship.

 

You don't have to give this new guy details of your emotional state. It's cheesy, and hard, but perhaps you just explain to him you're not ready.. You like him, but you really are trying to work on some things for you. So that you can give your all.

 

Oh man, how I wish I had done that.

 

It's okay to say that you have nothing to give right now. Right now, your focus should be on you. End of story.

 

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. I do. UGH.