Sarantt Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Hello So it's been nearly 2 months since ex broke up with me. I've been up and down, but tonight hit a new low. I found out last week that he's 'involved' with someone else. It hurt badly and was a huge step back for me, although I tried my hardest to not focus on him and concentrate on my own life. Tonight while driving home from work I suddenly started thinking of all the awful things I contributed to the relationship and how much I hurt him with different things I did earlier in the relationship. I never cheated, but when we went out I would drink too much and be really nasty to him when we had drunken arguments. I've never been a good drunk, so I've now only been drinking sensible amounts for the last year or so. I don't ever want to behave like that again. I can't stop thinking if I hadn't been so horrible he would still be here, that I caused him to stop loving me. I just feel like the more time passes, the harder it gets to come to terms with the fact he's gone and not coming back. I tried to speak to my mum about it earlier but she got frustrated because she disliked my ex for a long time and thought he treated me badly. I can't help thinking if I hadn't behaved like that he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. Of course he would pull away if i hurt him, why was i surprised when it happened?! I miss him terribly, every second of the day. And now I feel like I don't deserve to move on and be happy. This sounds pathetic, but I'm just so low at the minute and I would really appreciate some words of wisdom or just to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
youngnlove89 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You are bargaining your feelings. If I did this ____, would we be this ____? It's normal. It's a process. You are trying to give a good reason to the breakup, unfortunately you won't find one that fits. There are always reasons, but none that satisfy. You just have to face it for what it is: You and him aren't together anymore. So what now? Grieve. Don't try to make excuses for it. It happened because it did. You will drive yourself insane if you try to think further than that. 3
aisuru Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting. It will get better. Take what you learned and move on. You'll incorporate what you learned in the next relationship which will make it that much better. It takes a little time to heal, but you'll be okay over time. I promise you. 3
BustedUpInside Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I completely agree with the first post. Don't torture yourself by playing the "what if" game. There is no way for you to know what would have happened if you had done things differently. Maybe you would have stayed together, but maybe you would have just broken up for other reasons. The point is that what is done is done and you have to accept the reality that you are now faced with. That means dealing with your emotions and trying to move on. He is not going to come back, but that doesn't mean that you can never be happy again. Most relationships end, and in your life all relationships end until they don't. You never know it's the right one. You just have to keep going as if every relationship is the right one. This has been a learning experience, but trust me when I say that these intense feelings of regret won't last forever. Pretty soon you will move on to another stage of the healing process, and then another, and after awhile you will just move on period 3
Author Sarantt Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Thanks so much for your replies. I really thought I was losing it, taking a huge leap backwards when I should be moving on. It hurts so much, but knowing its part of a process helps. I think I'd been delaying really facing it by kind of cheating with No Contact. I haven't contacted him in a few weeks but I've been looking at his friends/family's Facebook profiles to find out what's going on with him and even googling his name quite often :-s it made me feel a bit better, like I was doing something rather than just feeling the pain. I stopped on Monday because a friend said i lost focus of myself in the relationship and am now still focusing on him by trying to stay involved with his life and i realised she was right. I think I see now why true no contact is so bloody painful.
aisuru Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Thanks so much for your replies. I really thought I was losing it, taking a huge leap backwards when I should be moving on. It hurts so much, but knowing its part of a process helps. I think I'd been delaying really facing it by kind of cheating with No Contact. I haven't contacted him in a few weeks but I've been looking at his friends/family's Facebook profiles to find out what's going on with him and even googling his name quite often :-s it made me feel a bit better, like I was doing something rather than just feeling the pain. I stopped on Monday because a friend said i lost focus of myself in the relationship and am now still focusing on him by trying to stay involved with his life and i realised she was right. I think I see now why true no contact is so bloody painful. You have a good friend.
Author Sarantt Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 She's a brilliant friend, I'm lucky to have her. If I've learned anything from this it's to listen to my friends and trust their opinions. This question might sound a bit odd, but how do I accept it's over? Is there something I can do or tell myself so it'll sink into my brain? Or is that just down to time as well? I guess going no contact properly will help, I'm just worried that if I can't see him moving on I'll start to kid myself that he's pining over me. Wish I could just stop over thinking everything!!
youngnlove89 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 This question might sound a bit odd, but how do I accept it's over? You don't reach acceptance until you seek indifference. Meaning, strict and stern no contact. To be no contact means you are accepting that it is over, that there is no going back. It's not a means to "getting them back," it's to let yourself heal and move on.
ddlovexx Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 It's definitely normal, I'm kinda in the same stage myself. Except we broke up a a week ago and he already has a new official girlfriend (can you say ouch?) But what I have realized is that I have to stop blaming myself. The past is the past and even though I've made mistakes, I choose to learn from them and be better. My sister has always told me: the right guy will always forgive you and accept your flaws. It's true. Nobody is perfect. Don't blame yourself. It's a stage and it will pass... instead make a list of all the awesome things you did for him and you'll see how great you really were. His loss.
aisuru Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 This question might sound a bit odd, but how do I accept it's over? pining Well, that's the million dollar question. Obviously, you use techniques and activities to distract yourself and keep functioning. Accepting it's over? You acknowledge that while you had a close relationship and it was good... it wasn't the right fit. It doesn't matter why it wasn't the right fit. You respect the other person and yourself to let it go. It's so hard because of the feelings and because this was somebody you shared your life with, with words, space, and time. The silence of no contact and the time to revaluate your life and goals can really help solidify that the relationship is over and you're advancing through life, hopefully in an even better direction between self awareness, education, career, friends, and yes, even new relationships. It comes one day at a time. 1
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 This is the part where "time" is your best friend, and your worst enemy: Time WILL slowly heal you, but you'll have to endure all of the "thinking-to-death" that comes with it. But as an above poster said: its a bargaining process. There is truly no "magic moment" It simply fades away, painfully slow perhaps, yet trust that time will wash your thoughts and feelings away eventually Meanwhile? NO CONTACT!
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