I Don't Want Him Back............But....

[BustedUpInside]

There have been a lot of posts on here lately from people saying that all the dumpees on LS would give anything to be back with their exes. Honestly, I don't know about everyone else, but I am guessing that's not always the case. I am absolutely sure that I don't want my ex back. If he called me today and begged me to get back together, I would say no. No for a variety of boring reasons that don't really matter except that they would always stand in the way of us ever reconciling.

 

The reason I am having so much trouble getting over this break up is because of how much it has taken from me and how much I have changed because of it. Before this relationship I had decided that I would like to grow old alone. I wanted to be one of those women who was always on their own, taking care of themselves, and living some sort of fabulous life. Now I can't stand the idea of being alone. Before, I never questioned peoples' motives. I took whatever they said at face value. Now I find myself constantly questioning and second-guessing whatever everyone is saying because it could be true but it could also just be them shining me on until the big let down later. Before, I assumed that the future was a good thing and I looked forward to moving into it and seeing what new and exciting things were on the horizon. Now, the future is really scary. I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen and rock my foundation again. I am just more nervous and worried than I used to be.

 

I explained all of these things to my friend and she asked me if I blame my ex for all of these things. I said that at this point it is 50/50. She asked me what he could have done differently to make it easier. I replied, in a perfect world, that he would have already had a backup boyfriend ready to go. Someone who already knew all my little quirks, my back story, my likes and dislikes, who would be ready to fill in for the boyfriend that wanted out. She replied that she thought I was still in love with my ex. I replied that I don't think I have actually been in love with him for about a year or so, but that I really really didn't want to be alone.

 

So, here I am thinking about that. I am not sure if it is progress or if it is a set back. I don't want my ex back, but I am not comfortable being alone yet, but I am not ready to date either. It's all very confusing!

[flitzanu]

There have been a lot of posts on here lately from people saying that all the dumpees on LS would give anything to be back with their exes. Honestly, I don't know about everyone else, but I am guessing that's not always the case. I am absolutely sure that I don't want my ex back. If he called me today and begged me to get back together, I would say no. No for a variety of boring reasons that don't really matter except that they would always stand in the way of us ever reconciling.

 

The reason I am having so much trouble getting over this break up is because of how much it has taken from me and how much I have changed because of it. Before this relationship I had decided that I would like to grow old alone. I wanted to be one of those women who was always on their own, taking care of themselves, and living some sort of fabulous life. Now I can't stand the idea of being alone. Before, I never questioned peoples' motives. I took whatever they said at face value. Now I find myself constantly questioning and second-guessing whatever everyone is saying because it could be true but it could also just be them shining me on until the big let down later. Before, I assumed that the future was a good thing and I looked forward to moving into it and seeing what new and exciting things were on the horizon. Now, the future is really scary. I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen and rock my foundation again. I am just more nervous and worried than I used to be.

 

I explained all of these things to my friend and she asked me if I blame my ex for all of these things. I said that at this point it is 50/50. She asked me what he could have done differently to make it easier. I replied, in a perfect world, that he would have already had a backup boyfriend ready to go. Someone who already knew all my little quirks, my back story, my likes and dislikes, who would be ready to fill in for the boyfriend that wanted out. She replied that she thought I was still in love with my ex. I replied that I don't think I have actually been in love with him for about a year or so, but that I really really didn't want to be alone.

 

So, here I am thinking about that. I am not sure if it is progress or if it is a set back. I don't want my ex back, but I am not comfortable being alone yet, but I am not ready to date either. It's all very confusing!

 

familiarity is a tough thing to shake. going through the motions building a new relationship is draining...it would be easier to go back to "normal" with someone you already had. but that's just not the best move.

[younglove17]

To start off, I've noticed that you often make very thoughtful, heartfelt comments on other's threads that are going through a rough time or are just plain confused, myself being one of those people. So on behalf of everyone who's received your advice, thank you

I know how it feels to lose your sense of direction like that... I had not mentioned it in my other threads, but before my two boyfriends, I knew EXACTLY what career I wanted, what kind of a person I wanted to be etc. After them, I was so lost.

This is not to say I blame my changes on having boyfriends, but heartbreak can do a lot to a person's sanity.

Especially after my first boyfriend (I was 15-16), I really lost my sense of direction. He was abusive and, like you said, I began to question the sincerity of people. I believe that's because, even if not abusively, you have been hurt. The kind of hurt like "how could someone do this to me?" and you wonder if you really knew them all that well...

Well, I'm here to tell you that I personally believe that you have an incredibly bright future (sorry I don't know your age, but I suppose that's irrelevant). I'm saddened that he was at least partially the cause for your confusion and upset because you truly don't deserve that!

I believe that you do NOT need a partner, you're quite capable on your own. But I think, like most people, you do miss being in a relationship and that's something you'll have to consider if you want.

But that's the best part! It's YOUR life, don't let this guy make you question your morals/values/dreams. You don't have to decide now too, there's no pressure. For now, just surround yourself with people that love you, and it sounds like you already have been doing that. Fill the void where your relationship was with self-improvement. This is not to say you need "fixing," it's just doing things that make you feel more comfortable/happy being YOU! If this helps, I took what my two relationships taught me and grew from them; focusing on what I could do to help ME feel comfortable with the choices I make in life, and being content in my own skin. I can honestly say, looking back, that I am so much prouder of the person I am now than the person I was two years ago.

 

When the time is right, I truly believe love will find it's way to you, and you'll be ready. You'll know who you are and therefore you'll know you're with someone who truly values you the way they should. You have a lot going for you, and just remember to take a look at all life has to offer, and realize there's so much to experience - this is but a small bump in the road!

(sorry about the length, i had a lot to say xD )

Good luck and I hope this helped!

[BustedUpInside]

To start off, I've noticed that you often make very thoughtful, heartfelt comments on other's threads that are going through a rough time or are just plain confused, myself being one of those people. So on behalf of everyone who's received your advice, thank you

I know how it feels to lose your sense of direction like that... I had not mentioned it in my other threads, but before my two boyfriends, I knew EXACTLY what career I wanted, what kind of a person I wanted to be etc. After them, I was so lost.

This is not to say I blame my changes on having boyfriends, but heartbreak can do a lot to a person's sanity.

Especially after my first boyfriend (I was 15-16), I really lost my sense of direction. He was abusive and, like you said, I began to question the sincerity of people. I believe that's because, even if not abusively, you have been hurt. The kind of hurt like "how could someone do this to me?" and you wonder if you really knew them all that well...

Well, I'm here to tell you that I personally believe that you have an incredibly bright future (sorry I don't know your age, but I suppose that's irrelevant). I'm saddened that he was at least partially the cause for your confusion and upset because you truly don't deserve that!

I believe that you do NOT need a partner, you're quite capable on your own. But I think, like most people, you do miss being in a relationship and that's something you'll have to consider if you want.

But that's the best part! It's YOUR life, don't let this guy make you question your morals/values/dreams. You don't have to decide now too, there's no pressure. For now, just surround yourself with people that love you, and it sounds like you already have been doing that. Fill the void where your relationship was with self-improvement. This is not to say you need "fixing," it's just doing things that make you feel more comfortable/happy being YOU! If this helps, I took what my two relationships taught me and grew from them; focusing on what I could do to help ME feel comfortable with the choices I make in life, and being content in my own skin. I can honestly say, looking back, that I am so much prouder of the person I am now than the person I was two years ago.

 

When the time is right, I truly believe love will find it's way to you, and you'll be ready. You'll know who you are and therefore you'll know you're with someone who truly values you the way they should. You have a lot going for you, and just remember to take a look at all life has to offer, and realize there's so much to experience - this is but a small bump in the road!

(sorry about the length, i had a lot to say xD )

Good luck and I hope this helped!

Wow, this actually brought a few tears to my eyes. I really appreciate your kind words, and it actually boosts my ego to know that anything I have written has had a positive influence on someone else. Thank you

[aisuru]

You are a stronger person than me.

 

I know where you're coming from. I get everything you just wrote.

 

I'm just too wishy washy right now I guess.

[KPChick000]

I agree- the future seems so scary right now. Pessimism at its best.

 

I wasn't even sure in the beginning that I wanted to start a relationship with my ex, and now look where I am! Of course he didn't force me to do anything, but I sometimes resent that he encouraged me to give us a try and in the end gave up on us. And now I struggle to return to the old me, the one who was content being single before he came along, the one who was self-reliant.

 

And, like you, if he came back today, I probably wouldn't jump back into things. But, I do feel this void in my life despite everything I'm doing to return to normalcy. And I don't think it will be easy to fill. But, at the same time, I don't want to force myself to fill it by dating. The only thing is, wait it out? Hate that.

[BustedUpInside]

The only thing is, wait it out? Hate that.

 

Yes! I cannot stand to wait for things. I have always been an organized, pro-active sort of person and so taking a break and allowing myself to fully feel each emotion associated with the break up is hard. I just want to feel better and so sometimes I catch myself just saying "You want to feel better, ok poof, you feel better. Now suck it up and be normal." (Yes, this is how I talk to myself. I am harder on myself than I am on anybody else )

 

I just need to give myself a break and realize that part of growing up (I mean I am already 32, but I guess we all just keep growing, right) is realizing that each meaningful interaction will have an impact on our character in some way. It just is so frustrating because I don't want to meet anybody new, but I don't want to be alone. I don't want my ex back, but I still want him to realize he made a huge mistake. I want my friends to stop asking if I am ok all the time, but I don't want them to stop noticing all the positive changes.

 

I just wish I could get it together a little more already, but like you said it just takes time.