Echo000 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Most of pain is created in our own minds. Reality is actually pretty dull-- 1. Exes rarely change, so stop counting on the next time you two talk that he/she will be any different than they were before. Even if you have changed, does not mean they have. 2. Whatever they are doing in life, its not nearly as crazy/interesting as you make it out to be in your own mind. I realized after breaking no contact was that my ex was still the same exact person. She didnt seem to grow up much at all. And that is kind of sad, but makes it easier for me. Because i know there isnt much to return to. Summary- heartbreak is very real, and so very painful. But often, its so very much made worse by our own little brains. 13
itto ogami Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 And we often think that the ex who plays games, cheats, lies etc. will suddenly be a different person for the next one after they dumped you. Nope. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) I did a dumb thing and peeked at her FB page just last week..Guess what? She looks like she put on 40 lb! And she looks haggard and frumpy...I compared a pic from just before we split(early dec2012) and another one she took at Mothers Day a ccuple of weeks ago.. Looks like a completely different person..Shocking actually....Also. never smiles in any of the pics over the last few months..She does have a new bf, so I dont think its that.. Ill admit(and this is stupid, I realize), that frankly I am concerned about her. She just doesnt look herself. Its not enough to make me want to call her or anything..Ill let that go, I still care enough that I hope she isnt in some sort of depression or some other deal...She mentions nothing on her page aboout it.. Oh, and for the record, this didn't set me back one bit. Its either one or two things...1). I am reaching indifference....2) She isnt the same person I knew anymore..Either way I wish her well and life moves on... TFY Edited May 22, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 1
na49 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You aren't automatically forgotten once they dump you. They aren't "happy" they dumped you unless you were a complete jerk. They miss you, but may not want to be with you anymore. If they ever change their mind, THEY will let you know. If you can't stop thinking about your ex and miss them, you are NORMAL. 8
BustedUpInside Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 it really took me a long time to realize how true it is that I was the only one making me miserable. I was imagining my ex having the time of his life with all sorts of new girls and fabulous times, then I hear from a mutual friend that all he does is go to the gym and then go home and watch tv. Doesn't sound very exciting, right? Certainly didn't live up to the elaborate imaginings I concocted. Now, I just try to use my imagination to think of who I might like to date in the future. It is much more fun 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. Without exception. Joy, serenity and inner Peace are not dependent on any other person in your life, they're dependent on you. It's not what happens 'out there' that matters. it's how you deal with it in 'here' that counts. Everyone, in the end, just wants to be understood,appreciated and loved. Anger, Resentment and Hatred resolve nothing. 4
aisuru Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 it really took me a long time to realize how true it is that I was the only one making me miserable. I was imagining my ex having the time of his life with all sorts of new girls and fabulous times, then I hear from a mutual friend that all he does is go to the gym and then go home and watch tv. Doesn't sound very exciting, right? Certainly didn't live up to the elaborate imaginings I concocted. Now, I just try to use my imagination to think of who I might like to date in the future. It is much more fun HAHA! Did we date the same man? That's exactly what mine did before he met me, it's what we did together, and it's what he's doing now. I know we're both distracting ourselves and throwing ourselves into our work, but that's just who we are. Some day, we'll each find somebody else to do the same damn non-exciting things with. Cause that's just who we are. 1
McGriff Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I don't know guys, I've been living it up pretty good since the BU. Now I have had some depressive weeks, but I generally don't sit at home and think, because its soooo...gloomy. I've gone out with my friends, dated, gone on trips, fun stuff with my kids etc etc etc. She knows I've been living it up too, because she said something about it to me. Life is too short to be huddled up in the house all depressed, especially at my age. It's a big beautiful world waiting for me, and I intend to keep the wheels on the bus moving! But I understand the gist of the post...it has to do with the other person, and I know my ex's life isn't as great as she makes it out to be. So I will continue on my road to constant discovery...
CorridorE Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 And we often think that the ex who plays games, cheats, lies etc. will suddenly be a different person for the next one after they dumped you. Nope. Completely. I don't understand how anyone could allow themselves to be the other man/woman and fall in love (unless the cheater was great at lying and you honestly had no idea they were in a relationship. In which case, when you do find out, RUN). The way I see it, even if they leave their partner for you, what would make someone think they wouldn't do it again? They've already proved what they're capable of. So they cheated with new guy/girl, but they're also most likely to cheat on him/her as well...
Author Echo000 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 if you close your eyes, and let peace come in..you will realize that most of the pain you experience comes from within and not from without. The images of your ex, whether real or imagined, are nothing but images in your own head. Sometimes, we realize in life that we have no control over a situation. Those who let go, and realize that peace can only come from within, will find real and sustainable happiness. After breaking NC, my ex told me she was still in love with me. But i also saw that she had not grown in the time we were apart like I have..and that she still hides behind immaturity. And, as Einstein said, "insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome" (something like that). And its true. If you take a moment and realize that most of the drama, the pent up anxiety, the images, etc. that you are putting yourself through is nothing but self-created fabrications, then you realize how silly it all is. You can put it away, like a book on a shelf, and focus on your LIFE. "Its done forever", or "Will she come back", or "I dont know what to do, maybe we can be together in the future" are all just part of the game we play with ourselves. Maybe you will end up back together. Maybe not. But either way..the end of the game yields the same outcome: its all okay regardless. 6
youngnlove89 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 if you close your eyes, and let peace come in..you will realize that most of the pain you experience comes from within and not from without. The images of your ex, whether real or imagined, are nothing but images in your own head. Sometimes, we realize in life that we have no control over a situation. Those who let go, and realize that peace can only come from within, will find real and sustainable happiness. After breaking NC, my ex told me she was still in love with me. But i also saw that she had not grown in the time we were apart like I have..and that she still hides behind immaturity. And, as Einstein said, "insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome" (something like that). And its true. If you take a moment and realize that most of the drama, the pent up anxiety, the images, etc. that you are putting yourself through is nothing but self-created fabrications, then you realize how silly it all is. You can put it away, like a book on a shelf, and focus on your LIFE. "Its done forever", or "Will she come back", or "I dont know what to do, maybe we can be together in the future" are all just part of the game we play with ourselves. Maybe you will end up back together. Maybe not. But either way..the end of the game yields the same outcome: its all okay regardless. I was having a really bad moment just now. My anxiety was through the roof as I imagined him sleeping with someone else tonight. Then I read this. Thank you for making me feel better.
Author Echo000 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I was having a really bad moment just now. My anxiety was through the roof as I imagined him sleeping with someone else tonight. Then I read this. Thank you for making me feel better. went through the same thing last night. Then i realized that its all made up in my head, and none of it even matters anyway. Its all just a game, made in our heads. 6
GB25 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Most of pain is created in our own minds. Reality is actually pretty dull-- 1. Exes rarely change, so stop counting on the next time you two talk that he/she will be any different than they were before. Even if you have changed, does not mean they have. 2. Whatever they are doing in life, its not nearly as crazy/interesting as you make it out to be in your own mind. I realized after breaking no contact was that my ex was still the same exact person. She didnt seem to grow up much at all. And that is kind of sad, but makes it easier for me. Because i know there isnt much to return to. Summary- heartbreak is very real, and so very painful. But often, its so very much made worse by our own little brains. This is what I struggle with..always thinking she is doing something soooo awesome and exciting when in reality probably not at all..why do our brains do this to us??? its cruel
fiftyofsomethin Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 So. Now let me ask you this: What if your ex IS actually doing tons of fun and exciting things and actually improving herself? Because guess what. That's what I'm going through. Every weekend, I have seen pictures on Facebook her friends posted of her at a concert or whatever. Or even just seeing her friends tweet being with her at the gym. She never worked out before. And oh god. There are a ton more examples. She has also been talking to other guys, I have found out. And of course, I haven't been just sitting on my ass by contrast. I have been working out much more too. I have hung out with friends and such when I can (literally all three of my closest friends have girlfriends they need to tend to first). But I am not having as much fun/excitement as she has. I still have entire weeks where nothing happens with me. So my question is: How do you actually deal with it when they truly ARE out doing things? It's all well and good to pretend they aren't, but that's not always the case.
GB25 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 why you still looking at pics of her on FB? Theres the problem I cut the FB chord a while back and it helps a lot. Im pretty sure you're answer will be that its mutual friends and that's how you know...well cut ANYTHING that can possibly mention her in a status update or a "check in"..why would you even wanna know shes at a concert or at the gym
IS IT Better late Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Wondering what they're are up to is really a big mind fck! We all know that they are not sitting home wondering what we're doing. They are living their lives and they may have better social support systems than us. I think girls are better at this than us dudes b/c girls typically keep more friends around than dudes. Her doing stuff with her family and friends really doesn't bother me, the only thing that really bothers me is wondering if another dude is getting the time and attention and affection I once got from her. I don't even know if there is another dude but that imagine kills me. I know how fun she is, how sexual she can be, always made feel great. So that's what tears me up! It's really hard for me to accept that she now flirts with another dude the way she used to with me. Of course my mind takes it to another level all together but there are many moments that her life isn't really much fun at all. And I rather be me!!!
itto ogami Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 First - STOP DWELLING on what she's doing. Trust me, I feels ya pain. And honest, tho some women here might disagree, it's a lot easier for the them to go out and live it up if only because they tend to have more choices. But so what? You will be living it up again and you'll be just fine. 1
fiftyofsomethin Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 why you still looking at pics of her on FB? Theres the problem I cut the FB chord a while back and it helps a lot. Im pretty sure you're answer will be that its mutual friends and that's how you know...well cut ANYTHING that can possibly mention her in a status update or a "check in"..why would you even wanna know shes at a concert or at the gym Trust me, I didn't want to know. This is what happens. And I'm not about to unfriend or block friends I still talk to and enjoy the company of just because these things bother me. To me that seems immature and I personally don't want to have to explain myself to them when they realize that I have unfriended/blocked them (I know they will). But again, I'm also over her for the most part, but literally just a minute ago, I was about to comment on a friends picture and whoop. She made a comment on it right as I was typing something. (what the hell are the odds? I mean **** me, right?) I just got sort of uncomfortable and I suppose a little sad. But I don't understand why. I am talking to other girls, being generally more confident and still having decent fun. So why is it that whenever I see her happy or having fun or really seeing her at all that it bothers me? I don't understand it. This was a girl who was attached to me and couldn't go ten minutes without texting me a couple of months ago, and now she is having the time of her life? Explanation please.
GB25 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Explanation: Ego is bruised- plain and simple. Her being happy makes you upset bc it makes you feel worthless like you didn't matter to her one bit..thats you're ego feeling crushed.. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 This is what I struggle with..always thinking she is doing something soooo awesome and exciting when in reality probably not at all..why do our brains do this to us??? its cruel I love that people talk about their brains, as if they were a separate entity, and out of their control... Which of course, is ridiculous.... "Why do I do this to myself???" would be more accurate - and funnily enough, if you "own" it, it actually becomes a little easier to deal with it.... Remember though, there is a difference between 'Brain' and 'Mind'.....
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