Former lurker. Now at 10 weeks. Harder than ever now that I see her everyday.

May 22, 2013

I have been lurking and using other posts to cope but now I need to post what is happening with me

As the title suggest, it has now been ten weeks since she broke up with me. We were together for 14 months. I am in my late 20's she is in her mid 20's. When she broke up with me she said she loved me, I was her best friend, we had great chemistry, BUT that she couldn't shake the feeling that we didn't have a future. She said that she wished things were different. I was almost sure we would get married. We were amazing friends, etc. We had great sexual chemistry. But something was missing for her.

She is a negative person and is never happy/satisfied with her life. She always wants something better. She told me she couldn't make any sacrifices in the relationship. I understand that she didn't want it in the end. But after 10 weeks, I miss her and miss what we had a great deal.

After the breakup we met up once (kissed, cuddled and talked), gchatted a few times, and I called her crying twice (not something I'm proud of, I just couldn't talk to her without crying. I was devastated). Basically I wanted reasons. In retrospect, it doesn't matter the reasons because she no longer wanted to be with me. After picking up the rest of my stuff 2 weeks after, I have tried to stay away. I have not initiated any contact But have responded when she found items of mine and I had her drop them off at a neutral place. I need to make new friends as I don't go out with what were our friends because she will be there.

I have gone on dates. I have kissed people. But even when doing this I think of her.

But now we have to be in the same room all summer studying for the bar exam. And we have to have some minor contact. But I realized that after attending the first few days that I am still devastated and love her still.

I won't contact her but I have had a horrible last few days. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her how I feel. I won't, of course, but I want to. Again, she is all I think about. I do want to move on because I want this pain to go away. It's all consuming and terrible because I need to be studying. I can't see her ever wanting to date me again (not because I did anything wrong, I was a wonderful boyfriend. She told me that all the time. She just lost something the last few months), but I can't see how I will begin to heal until the bar exam is over.

I know it doesn't matter but I hope she will remember me and always think of me well. In the end, no one did anything wrong. She just wanted something different. She's a good person and that makes this harder.

TL;DR I feel miserable and I have to see my ex. I just want to feel better.

If you read this thank you. I just need some support. I don't feel that I can talk about it to my friends any longer.

May 22, 2013

Also, she has emailed me a few times when she didn't need to, basically telling me she wouldn't be in town and I didn't have to worry about seeing her out.

I also sit on the other side of the classroom from her and our friends, she told me that I didn't need to sit across. If she pities me I will be kind of mad. I am not acting pitiful, I am just not engaging and avoiding her. Something I need to do to heal.

I can tell that she is over me. It hurts.

May 22, 2013

It's so hard getting over someone who is right in front of you. When you two are no longer in this daily proximity, you will find it so much easier to get over her even if it's another blow or strange feeling initially

May 22, 2013

I'm sorry you're hurting and that you have to see her in class. Is there any way to switch to another class?

Know that you're not alone. Most of us here feel the same way you do- we miss our ex, we get the urge to contact them, we struggle to move on, and we want them to think fondly of us. Maintain your resolve not to respond to any contact she makes. Continue to stay on the other side of the classroom if you absolutely have to be in the same class. Focus your nervous energies from the break-up on studying for the bar exam. I know it's easier said than done. If and when thoughts of her do creep in your head, let them but only for a finite amount of time, <5 mins. Then, refocus and tell yourself you have to concentrate on YOUR life, which doesn't involve her anymore. It'd be a shame to mess up the bar exam for someone who, as you say, has clearly moved on.

Stay strong! Know that you're going through the motions. You will have bad days, esp with her in the same class. But, it's not impossible to overcome if you work at it.

May 22, 2013

Also, she has emailed me a few times when she didn't need to, basically telling me she wouldn't be in town and I didn't have to worry about seeing her out.

She emailed you to tell her that you don't need to worry about seeing her out? How self-absorbed is that?

May 22, 2013

That is the worst! What sucks the most is that feeling that people are dissecting your every word and look to see if you might still be hung up on the ex.

Trust me when I say that you are being the mature, logical one here. I think it is ridiculous that your ex would even question why you wouldn't want to sit with her and her friends. Why does she assume you care that she is gone for the weekend? That's some ego!

It's too bad how unfair life can be sometimes. Unfortunately, this is one of those times that will really test your resolve. If I were you, I would think about it this way. You are studying for the bar, right? You are going to be a lawyer. A good skill for a lawyer is to practice controlling their emotions in front of an audience. Calm, cool, collected and in control are good skills for any attorney. That's what you should be thinking. Calm.........cool........collected. She can't get to you if there is nothing to get at. You are in control. She doesn't get to drive you from an important class. You are there to learn, not engage in petty drama with a conceited ex who obviously isn't respecting your feelings about things.

Good luck in your class and good luck in getting over your ex. From this post alone, I can tell you deserve better!

May 22, 2013

She emailed you to tell her that you don't need to worry about seeing her out? How self-absorbed is that?

She definitely didn't need to do that. It may be my fault. When we broke up I told her that I didn't want to talk or see her and that I would avoid situations she was at so I could heal. But even after saying she would be gone I received a subsequent email from her saying that she hoped I have fun during a week of events for us graduates.

I think it's probably guilt that she hurt me.

But, she really is sort of self-absorbed and selfish. I knew this during the relationship as she is kind of pretentious about her intelligence. It bothered her that I didn't list intelligence as one of three adjectives to describe myself. It's not that I don't think I am smart ( I did really well in law school) but it felt weird to say it.

One of the biggest problems she had was that she didn't think that I would challenge her intellectually. But would never want to discuss politics or the news or supreme court cases. When I presented this to her she just didn't care enough to try and figure it out. So this problem of hers didn't make sense.

I am much more laid back than her. And this made us a good match. We balanced each other out really well. I wouldn't stress out about school and life (but still do well). I was able to help manage her stress. But in the end her stress won out. She would push me away when she got really stressed and didn't open up and talk about her sadness.

But I did start to stress about the relationship. She would get sad about life and withdraw. I had no idea if it was about me or about something else. So I was walking on eggshells around her because I was worried that her sadness would break us up. She talked about feeling sad about us 4 months before we broke up and thought about breaking up. She said that she loved me but had trouble imagining a future (same reason as why we broke up).

She didn't know why but in her previous relationship her ex was one of the top students in our class and I guess initiated a lot of their conversations. Although she was smart she was very insecure about it. I think she expected me to do what he did (I did want to talk about things but she never would engage with the topics I brought up).

She has an unrealistic view of relationships that pretty much everything needs to be perfect. She never would really work on things when we brought up things that needed to work on. I think it was just easier for her to leave.

Even with all that, we had a great time and we were good together. I know in the future I will look back and smile on what we shared because we were very important to each other. I will always love her as a friend (the same with all but one of my exes) It's just this initial recovering that sucks really bad.

Thanks to everyone for responding.

May 22, 2013

It's so hard getting over someone who is right in front of you. When you two are no longer in this daily proximity, you will find it so much easier to get over her even if it's another blow or strange feeling initially

I know. I had been doing well. I am trying to be happy with just myself. I like myself and want to be comfortable not dating. Seeing her the last few days has been horrendous. It will be easier when I never have to see you. But, you're right, I will have that initial withdrawal of then not seeing her. The mind/heart is crazy.

May 22, 2013

It's too bad how unfair life can be sometimes. Unfortunately, this is one of those times that will really test your resolve. If I were you, I would think about it this way. You are studying for the bar, right? You are going to be a lawyer. A good skill for a lawyer is to practice controlling their emotions in front of an audience. Calm, cool, collected and in control are good skills for any attorney. That's what you should be thinking. Calm.........cool........collected. She can't get to you if there is nothing to get at. You are in control. She doesn't get to drive you from an important class. You are there to learn, not engage in petty drama with a conceited ex who obviously isn't respecting your feelings about things.

Good luck in your class and good luck in getting over your ex. From this post alone, I can tell you deserve better!

Life can be unfair. But I look back knowing that I gave every bit of myself to that relationship and to her. I tried my best to be a great boyfriend and to make it work. There were times when I look back and realize that I was insecure. But that was because she would get in her funks and I walked on eggshells wondering if it was me. Those times were unhealthy for sure. I know I deserve better than what she gave. I love her still and that's what sucks.

I know she knows how much I cared for her as she told me that I treated her very well. I hope she remembers that in her life going forward (and a small part of me hopes one day she regrets breaking up with me... not that I will ever know). I feel better just a few hours removed from having to see her. It's just the proximity that is making it really hard.

May 23, 2013

I'm sorry you're hurting and that you have to see her in class. Is there any way to switch to another class?

Know that you're not alone. Most of us here feel the same way you do- we miss our ex, we get the urge to contact them, we struggle to move on, and we want them to think fondly of us. Maintain your resolve not to respond to any contact she makes. Continue to stay on the other side of the classroom if you absolutely have to be in the same class. Focus your nervous energies from the break-up on studying for the bar exam. I know it's easier said than done. If and when thoughts of her do creep in your head, let them but only for a finite amount of time, <5 mins. Then, refocus and tell yourself you have to concentrate on YOUR life, which doesn't involve her anymore. It'd be a shame to mess up the bar exam for someone who, as you say, has clearly moved on.

Stay strong! Know that you're going through the motions. You will have bad days, esp with her in the same class. But, it's not impossible to overcome if you work at it.

This was a really inspirational post. I am going to try and move to a different location. Not sure if this is possible but I will try. I don't care if people think its because of her, I need to get better. I don't think I wil respond to her. But I felt very weak and confused when I had to talk to her today. I kept it short and to the point but when she said "you don't have to sit across the room," I replied "I think I am switching locations (not even sure I can). I am not sure what I should have said but it just slipped out.

But it's hard looking at and talking to someone who you shared so much with and realizing that everything is so different. It's really a crazy feeling that I cannot describe.

She hangs out with our friends all the time. That's fine. They just go out and drink all the time anyway, something I don't want to do all the time. I need to find a way to meet new friends (to get over her and expand my social circle). I think I am going to try meetup.com. Any other suggestions?

May 23, 2013

So, I know I am talking a lot but I wanted to get one more thing out. Earlier I talked about how she thought I didn't challenge her intellectually although I tried. Whenever we talked politics she thought I was dismissing her views but I was just trying to understand them as they are very different from mine (she gets really sensitive, I do too sometimes so I understood). I tried to bring up current events,etc.

What she really needed was someone to challenge her emotionally. She is really negative and really stressed and sad a lot of the time. She gets really down on herself. I wanted to challenge that. She was in the top of our class, has an amazing job, there was nothing to challenge in that respect until we started to work. But she scoffed when I said I thought I had a high emotional intelligence. That was something she needed but never was concerned about.

Anyway, it's cathartic to get all of this out. And to realize that I tried really hard. She did at first and then settled into going through the motions. I think she thinks she is better than me because of her job (which gives her high status in the legal community) and other things. It's disappointing

I once asked her if happiness and success were mutually exclusive what she would choose (it was in an article). She said success without hesitating. I said happiness without hesitating. It was more important that people realize her accomplishments and that she is smart than to be happy (if they were mutually exclusive). I'm not knocking that but it's another thing that drove us apart. Not that I wouldn't want to be successful but that my main goal was happiness.

I really do think we worked well together and seeing her these past few days is bringing this all up again. But I know we are over and as someone in their late 20's, I am growing concerned that I won't ever find someone to build a life with. Especially since I want to do criminal law and their is not much money in that.

May 23, 2013

I need to find a way to meet new friends (to get over her and expand my social circle). I think I am going to try meetup.com. Any other suggestions?

I've never done meetup.com, but try it! What do you have to lose? Other things I would suggest:

-start a study group with some classmates (not with her obviously)

-look into alumni events nearby

-volunteer

-join a gym

It sounds like you and your ex weren't truly compatible or just want different things at this point in your lives. She is striving to be successful, i.e. career and "perfect" relationship, whereas you are more laid-back and content. Maybe instead of thinking you two "complemented" each other, you should consider that you were two puzzle pieces trying to fit together but didn't.

May 23, 2013

It sounds like you and your ex weren't truly compatible or just want different things at this point in your lives. She is striving to be successful, i.e. career and "perfect" relationship, whereas you are more laid-back and content. Maybe instead of thinking you two "complemented" each other, you should consider that you were two puzzle pieces trying to fit together but didn't.

I am content in the sense that I live in the present. She always lived in the past and future and was upset that she couldn't be content and focus on the moment (her exact words exactly). I may have the ability to live in the moment and be content with my life but that doesn't mean I don't have a strong desire and good work ethic to be successful in the legal profession. We had our best times when be both interned during the summer and school year. The hard times were during classes where I was more relaxed as she was more stressed.

I guess it doesn't matter. I haven't rehashed things for weeks but the situation is making me do it again. I will be better with time and that is what I am holding onto. Thanks for your reply.

May 23, 2013

You'll find someone who isn't obsessed with professional success/money. Maybe try to branch your friend circle beyond the legal world. However, please remember that there's always money in the banana stand.

May 24, 2013

If she continues to contact me every now and then. Should I just ignore (what I have been doing) or tell her to stop?

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Former lurker. Now at 10 weeks. Harder than ever now that I see her everyday.

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