lifechanges Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 After 26 years we are different - or are we just ignoring each other? We have decided to end our marriage. There is no longer the energy to make the effort from either of us. Do I fully express what I feel and why I think we have arrived here? - OR - Do I focus on the divorce and let the past stay there? Thanks for any words...
worldgonewrong Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Do I fully express what I feel and why I think we have arrived here? - OR - Do I focus on the divorce and let the past stay there? What purpose will it serve to express what you feel (etc)? And more importantly, do you think it would change the situation in a positive direction? If you don't think it will serve a purpose or change anything for the better, then you have your answer. As I'm now divorced, speaking from my own experience, I felt that expressing what I felt or noting how we arrived at that state would have been absolutely pointless. It frustrated me as I did want to express that, at one point. But now? I have no desire, no energy. What's done is done. And my expression would have been lost on her. I'm glad I came to some sort of 'inner peace' about that, whereas before I felt psychologically gagged and/or cut-off. 2
PoopHappens Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I find it challenging to look at other people's situations without constantly going back to my own. Hence if i have any advice for anyone, and I question that I do, it can only be with reference to my own experience. There seems to have come time when I did nothing more than wave the white flag -- to myself. I gave up trying to make sense of it and resorted or perhaps retreated to the notion of staying alive. Whatever that entailed. I wasn't going to save my marriage by myself. It can't be done with only one person trying. I was into it for about the same length of time as you and the grief is so very intense. It's a bit like getting a bad medical diagnosis after a long and protracted series of symptoms that made everyone around think you were nuts. Nothing really changes but at least you know you aren't crazy. At least you have a direction. Fortunately divorce isn't terminal. Although I haven't experienced it myself, I understand full recoveries are possible. 2
Author lifechanges Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I think I feel the need to tell her "just in case" something could change. I have no reason really to think anything will change. And it is as much my wanting to know how she feels. I do not think it would change the outcome in a positive direction.
imtooconfused Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 lifechanges, not knowing how you got to the point where you are, I only have a little advice to share. Going into a divorce without first trying marital counseling is not fair to either party. Only through skilled MC will you have a chance at finding the reconciliation that you are hoping for. If you have already done that and the decision to divorce was the result, there is probably not much more that can be done... Reflecting more on your situation, the title of the thread "Should the wounds be reopened?" is not directly asked in your posting. If there are wounds that remain and that what you have to share with your spouse will reopen and enflame those wounds (especially for the spouse), the answer is that it can never be considered helpful to reconciliation. Only in rare circumstance do wounds heal better by picking at the scabs. 1
Simpleoldschool Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 there are people here offering you great advice and i would like you to take what you can from them. First from WGW and then, from IMTOOCONFUSED. they are offering you great advice. i would like to offer my own but confuse not the advice given to you by either in doing so. first in most long-term marriages people are so use to routine there is no emotional feelings backing marital interactions. you get into modes of responsibility and you burnout faster than a piece of paper dipped in oil set fire by a flamethrower. in order to connect again on an emotional level you need something to stimulate an emotional reaction. just participating in something emotionally exhilirating will brighten things up. then you can be the people who fell in love with eachother. love is not purely, a raw emotion. it has to do with emotion but it also has to do with a state of mind towards someone you can have fun with. first sit down with your wife. ask her what you still have in common. if she doesnt like that there is some resentment there. you need to work through the resentment first to break the ice of common shareable likes and stay away from eachothers dislikes. if your wife dislikes something about you keep it private. its not your whole person nor something you should share with her or while shes around. you need to let her feel comfortable where she is. being more emotional than you, anything you do that you dont attribute an emotional overtone she will because she feels a certain way about things, situations and people. i am not justifying that her emotional feelings are always reasonable whos are but you need to bring this to a place where you can make progress and not force it into a downward spiral. remember when people divorce its always emotionally conflicting. even if everyone seems fine and happy. there is something going on. something big inside them pushing them to that divorce. but that doesnt have to happen. people stop communicating, engaging eachother so they learn how to indepently do things while being married. thats uaully when people have an affair to regain emotions they feel they are no longer expieriincing at the extent they want to. let me tell you something about energy. if you dont have it, VACATION YOUR BUTT OFF WITH HER AND ASK HER TO GIVE THAT A SPIN. in marriage, bills , kids, work and everything is a part of it. thats called being an adult. if thats a problem that makes it unliveable toghether then ask yourselves if you are truely adults. you need to sit your wife down, if that option is still availible as an ear and tell her something like this. i feel we have come to the conclusion that we are divorcing for XYZ reasons. i feel like maybe, it might be time to truly see if this is what we need or we are facing an emotional burnout and will regret this decision. i think we might regret it because there is something emotionally unresolved in this marriage that we can communicate effectively about as a husband and wife and then again, thrive and have all the passions we shared during these years. i would simply like o try for these and these reasons and ignite a flame. i would like to take you on a date, take you out and have a day away from the kids because i know you work hard to take care of them. i appreiciate everything you have done over the years and would like you to enjoy something i beilieve you deserve. lol i mean have a bath waiting when she gets back home from work. play some nice music and sit her down. make HER FEEL beautifull. young not like her life is a big JOB. i think you can get through this and rock the boat till it does a backflip. let me know of anything i can attribute to your dillema. it sounds like you and your wife are shutting down emotional and are cutting communication. your feelings are overiding your sense of what real reason this decision has come about. let me know if i can help.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 communicating your appreiciation for your spouse and doing things to make them feel appreiciated breaks barriers my friend. dont fat like cat and dog be the bigger person to reach them emotionally and maybe, just maybe they will settle down.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 i beilieve your wife has reached a point of pain, or great discomfort so anything she says or does it painfull or uncomfortable if she were to try to communicate it with you. sit her down and tell her anything she says about you, you will LISTEN TO. tell her that, you want to have a marriage because she is the women you married and you think shes great. do this non-judgementally. without judgement people feel comfortable to share emotions even if its about you. they can share there feelings with you, without worrying about them being shoved back in their face. i think one thing we need to do as men is understand we are dealing with someone very delicate- women. she is very tolerant but very forward after a long time of being tolerant. i think this sounds like one that can be saved with a little bit of work. dont guilt her or she will be MADDDDD. then thats a whole different situation. take your time, take your time with her and i think things will be fine. tell her she spent 26 years of her life with you and what shes done by doing so cannot measure up by an aquintance. that you appreiciate that. there is no additional information so i dont know about affairs. if shes beating you over the head DIFFERENT STORY THAN GOOD WIFE GONE BORED.
tojaz Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I think I feel the need to tell her "just in case" something could change. I have no reason really to think anything will change. And it is as much my wanting to know how she feels. I do not think it would change the outcome in a positive direction. Tell her. If for no other reason then to give her the respect of hearing and knowing where things went wrong. If it has to end, then let it be a clean break. It might not result in a positive, but it can allow you both to resolve some things... clear the air. That can be a learning experience for both of you so that what went wrong this time around is not carried on to your next relationships, be them with each other or someone new. TOJAZ 2
Deerhunter Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I myself hate to see any marriage break up especially one after 26 years. You both were very happy at one time. What happened? I know that people can change but love doesn't. Wouldn't a trial seperation be better than divorcing and regretting it later? Divorce affects the whole family and it will affect y'all. Do EVERYTHING y'all possibly can to save it. If there's no chance, then both of you can be happy with no regrets.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 deerhunter, i would agree with you if i beilieved a trial seperation would actually work. its more money and allows for things to get ugly, later. also alot of things can be claimed legal if someone signs a trial seperation agreement. it depends on the exact verbage. and lawyers are a sharp pair of scissors if they think they can get more money out of the situation. they will word it in a way that best suits them and there wants but talk to you in a way that makes you beilieve its what you want. 1
WreckedDan Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) I notice in your post you said WE have decided to... If you are both in a moment of agreement, hug eachother, and file. No reason to drag things out. Just my 2© Dan PS: 6 months down the road, it's quite possible you will both be willing to share a time talking about the past. If you can both remain civil during this diruption you might even ne able to end up with a great friend out of this. Assuming there has been no affairs etc.. Edited May 23, 2013 by WreckedDan
trippi1432 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I think I feel the need to tell her "just in case" something could change. I have no reason really to think anything will change. And it is as much my wanting to know how she feels. I do not think it would change the outcome in a positive direction. Not having your full story, it's really based on its intent. If the wound is reopened to pour salt in it, it won't be received well. It really depends on what you and she have learned over the time apart that could determine the outcome. If you are seeking answers from her and the wound is too fresh, you may not find what you are looking for, it really depends on why the marriage ended and where the two of you stopped being best friends to each other and knowing in your heart there are no expectations of the outcome. The only example I can give you is when my first exH apologized for cheating during our marriage, a marriage that had been over for 20 years. It wasn't about the details, the details were in a chapter of a book that has been long closed. It was more the acknowledgement. 20 years is a long time to carry guilt and a long time to carry pain. But in the end, it gave us both peace to move forward without holding onto things. My advice, if your heart is in the right place and you are both in agreement where you are in life, don't wait 20 years to set each other free. There is no going back to read the chapter that many years out unless you both realize it was the best chapter of your lives. In 26 years together...I bet there were a lot of really good chapters.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Do I fully express what I feel and why I think we have arrived here? - OR - Do I focus on the divorce and let the past stay there? Thanks for any words... If things could be improved, would you be interested in staying? Mr. Lucky
Author lifechanges Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you all for such great words. I have been in marriage counseling for 6 months. I first told my wife in December that I thought we were drifting apart emotionally - her response = "What are we going to do about it" I admit that I am the high sex drive person, she is far less sexually needy. I have asked for years that she be more feminine and wear something to get me excited or initiate to show me she wants me. When we discuss, she gets defensive and mad. I am also the one who is the colorful creative one as to role play and sexual experimentation. We do not speak the same love language anymore it seems...
tojaz Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I have been in marriage counseling for 6 months. I first told my wife in December that I thought we were drifting apart emotionally - her response = "What are we going to do about it?" and you answered with.......?
2sunny Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 You stated you don't have energy for it. I can tell you even when BOTH people have all their energy invested IN it to make it work - it's still difficult. You've had 26 years to have tons of honest conversations - what's the purpose in doing so AFTER the marriage is dead and gone?
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