My very broken heart

[Cola]

Newbie alert! Hope you don't mind me posting my story. I've read lots here myself, and it seems a lot of people will understand my heartache. I've yet to start commenting but I will, when I feel like I've got something constructive to say.

 

So I met a guy when I was 3 years old and spent my early childhood being friends with him. I have some very fond early memories of him. We went to different schools at 11 years old and didn't really stay in touch, although we lived very close by and occasionally bumped into each other. At 14, I moved away and never gave him a second thought. I got into a serious relationship at about 20 years old, and then up popped Facebook. I started talking to my childhood friend again. My relationship ended after 6 years, and I spent a year on my own entirely.

 

I started to talk to my childhood friend a lot. He started messaging me every single day and we got flirty. We swapped phone numbers and we talked every day for a year. He was sweet, he initiated everything and made me feel good. I got a job in the city where we met years ago and where he'd lived his whole life. After wanting to meet up with him for what seemed like forever, he took me to dinner. We sat close and we flirted, and we had a nice evening. Two weeks later we met up again, we had dinner and then went to a bar. In the bar his hands were all over me, he massaged my shoulders and I sat with my legs over his. Strangers told us we were gorgeous together. We left when the bar closed and went our separate ways. He sent me a message right away telling me he'd had a lovely time and really enjoyed himself. The next time we met, we had a few drinks, kissed a lot and had sex.

 

It went well for a while. He was sweet and kind and sent me messages all the time, always letting me know he was thinking of me. I felt really special. We'd meet and have dinner and drinks sometimes, and I spent a few nights at his. A few months in, he let me down last minute for a date we'd planned. He had a valid excuse, and he made it up to me by booking a beautiful hotel for the following weekend. We had a great time, until the very next day. I told him my mum had been asking about our weekend, and he panicked. He said maybe we should cool things down. Instead of saying "don't be silly, she's just loving the gossip", I got offended and upset and asked him why he wanted to do that right after having sex with me in an amazing hotel that he paid for. It didn't go well, we argued and called it a day.

 

I tried to get him back. One minute he said yes, and said he was stupid for walking away from me, and the next he'd change his mind again. We arranged to meet once during this time, and both hoped things would go well. However, he cancelled less than two hours before we were meant to meet and I got upset, in turn he got angry and said I was childish. Things got bad. He told me he was upset about the time I'd stayed with him and his brothers and I wouldn't come downstairs to socialise in my pyjamas. I told him I was embarrassed because we'd just had sex and I didn't look presentable, I wanted to get cleaned up first and make an impression on them. He'd never taken a girl home before and I wanted them to like me so much. He didn't believe me. He even got nasty and said I wasn't girlfriend material, we had nothing in common and didn't even share the same humour. I felt utterly broken. Instead of fighting back, I told him he was wrong and that he didn't know my worth. He stopped, and told me he couldn't believe he could say such nasty things to me, and I was still nice to him. It was almost like he wanted me to retaliate and say something back, or run away. I told him I don't talk badly to people I care about. I guess I didn't run because I loved him.

 

Two months later, he was back. He wanted to meet for dinner and I gave him the thoughtful birthday present I had for him as I'd missed his birthday when we fell out. He loved it. That night went we left and went our separate ways, he text me to tell me how much he missed me.

 

Summer was good but I didn't see him enough. In mid August we spent a Sunday afternoon in a pub and were all over each other. It was hard walking away from him that night. Two days later, I met him at the airport in the evening after he'd been abroad for work for the day. We went to a bar to drink and we ended up booking a hotel and had an incredible time.

 

His brother got married soon after, and he didn't have time to see me. He kept saying we'd meet and then he'd let me down. September came, and with it my birthday. He'd talked before about wanting to take me out and make it special, and that's what I expected. Every weekend he seemed to have something on though, including the weekend before my birthday and the one after. On the day of my birthday, he text me saying he'd taken the day off to spend with a friend who was visiting from abroad. I was devastated and I was jealous. I spent it crying in bed.

 

Things got worse when he still had no time for me. I started to push, and he turned nasty again. Nothing I said was right, he tore me down in every sense and really hurt me. So I left him be a while. I sent him a message in November and he was instantly flirty. I didn't respond to the flirting even though I wanted to, but continued to talk to him thereafter. He went away on holiday for two weeks, and whilst he was gone he sent me messages telling me he wanted to see me when he got back and take me out. He came home in December and he asked to see pictures of me in my gown for a Christmas party, and he asked me if I'd found anyone new. I said that I hadn't, and he seemed keen. I was so happy! I thought things would go well again, and for a while, it seemed like it was heading in that direction. We flirted a lot over Christmas and New Year and we even talked about sex, what we missed and good times in bed. He spent New Year abroad and on his way to the airport he asked me to send him a teasy picture. I didn't, because I wanted to be sure that he wouldn't walk away again.

 

We agreed to meet a few times at the beginning of the year, and he let me down. I figured he just needed to go slowly, so I let him be. He started to be more clued on though and interested in my life again, without talking about sex but occasionally flirting. I then fell down some stairs and put myself in hospital and off work for two weeks. He was a saint. He was caring and sweet and said if I needed anything he'd be there. I told him it was okay, but to please buy me dinner the second I was back on my feet. He started messaging me again, all the time. He'd talk to me a lot. I felt like I was getting closer. We sometimes flirted, sometimes it was a little bit sexual. I told him how much I missed him and he said he was over the moon that I did. We started to plan things, like going to an expensive sushi restaurant near his work, and he suggested whiskey tasting one night. We met for dinner once on a Saturday at his suggestion, and I left a little disappointed. He didn't try to kiss me or get too close, and he wanted to go home early because he was hungover and tired. He went a little bit quiet, but pretty soon he was very talkative again. A couple of weeks ago, he even asked me for flirty pictures again. I didn't send them. I told him I missed him and I wanted to see him and I was fed up of him making suggestions and not sticking to them. He didn't have much to say.

 

Just this past Friday, a mutual friend phoned me up and said he didn't want me getting hurt. He had me log into his Facebook and told me to look at the boy's profile. I looked and it hurt. There were two pictures, one of him standing with a girl and one of him being kissed on the cheek by her. There was also another picture of him and his family out for his mum's birthday only recently, and she was there. (It's a big deal in his house, to take a girl home. The only time his brothers ever did, they married them.) So I text him and told him I knew. He didn't reply. So I asked him and he said yes, she was his girlfriend. I asked him how long they'd been together and he said a few months. When I told him he should have told me, he said he hadn't told anyone unless they asked. I told him he should have, so that I stopped fancying him. His reply to that was just "aw". He said he'd only recently told his brothers. I told him he'd been inappropriate and flirty and he said he stopped that a while ago, because it was messing with my feelings. I told him it wasn't. I told him I now know why he cancels all the time, why one minute he wants to get sushi or whiskey and then he doesn't. He said no, he still has time for his friends and I know where we stand. He then asked if I was okay. I said yes, even though I wasn't. He sent a few more messages and then said goodnight. I didn't reply. I figured I'd reply in the morning when I'd thought about things.

 

I didn't reply in the morning and I still haven't. I woke up feeling too raw, too heartbroken. I haven't heard from him since. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want anything to do with him. I do have one thousand questions to ask, one thousand things to tell him. But it's all pointless. Nothing will change. So I just want to mind my own business and get on with my life. I figure he'll message me eventually, and when he does, I'll politely decline his offer friendship.

 

I've had some wonderful advice from friends the past couple of days. One told me I'd been nothing short of a dream to him, been lovely from the word go, even when he was an absolute moron and said horrid things, I gave him everything. My friend said that doesn't mean I'm not good enough for him. It means he wasn't good enough for it. He couldn't cope with it, couldn't treasure it, couldn't enjoy it. His own friend actually told me recently (before I found out about the girl) that he once had a girl like me. She was attentive and loyal and she did everything she should, and he threw it all away. Only once it was over, did he realise he probably won't find that again. I know it doesn't really matter, but thinking that one day he'll see his mistake and regret it is a really pleasing thought!

 

He has always been a commitmentphobe. I see that, I have for a while. But he has a strong commitment to this new girl. I think it may be serious and maybe they'll go all the way. I know he won't have changed, he's the same person that I know inside-out. So if it does work for them, it'll be because she's stronger than I am. Maybe she won't put up with the crap that I did. I don't know!

 

So, I'm very very broken right now. I hope my poor wee heart gets mended very soon. I sympathise with others who are broken hearted too. It helps to write about it if you can't talk, as I've done here.

 

Phew. That just got a lot off my chest!

[Toddbt12y1]

He sounded bipolar there for a moment. He obviously was acting shadey from the moment about your mum, then not keeping arrangements.

 

To make this shorter....If I were you...I'd consider myself lucky. He was probably cheating on you. Ofc he wouldn't tell you about her....nor her about you. Probably was with her for a while longer. He would have gladly never told you about her....and would probably use you on the side.

 

 

It's a big shame. This Guy is an a*shole. You indeed sound lovely. From the way you put it....he's a damn fool to do this. Ignore him. Have nothing to do with this moron. Nothing good will ever come of it.

 

I'm sorry.

[Cola]

You totally hit the nail on the head with the bipolar thing. I think it's possible. He's such a sweet, well mannered and kind hearted person usually, that nobody in their right mind would believe me when I tell them how he's spoken to me at times and what he's done. His friends and family love him to death. He's very quiet and shy, and I honestly believe I'm the only person to have seen this side of him. He works really hard and earns a lot of money, but he drinks too much at times and throws away a lot of money gambling. I always wondered if he was completely stable. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. Not to me anyway.

 

Thanks so much for your reply, Todd! Very helpful. Good advice to move on. I'm usually not a big fan of NC, especially if you love someone. But in this case, I'm well and truly done. I let him mess me about a lot, but when other girls are involved, I totally draw the line.

[aisuru]

I don't think he's a commitment phobe so much he never had the same level of feelings for you as you did him. Were you ever confirmed exclusive? It doesn't really sound like it. Sounds like it was just a lot of fun sex for him and when you began to get emotionally attached, your actions likely revealed that which is why he pulled away.

 

I was in something like this once. Off and on over quite a few years when we were each between significant others. It just was what it was.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you invested so much.

 

Hold your head up, rebuild yourself, and move on.

[Cola]

When I call him a commitmentphobe, I'm not just referring to relationship commitment. He struggles with any type of commitment, even commitments such as dinner. He's only had a couple of relationships in the past, and they didn't last long at all. 3 months, if that.

 

We were exclusive in the beginning, probably for about 4 months. That's all. After that it was back and forward all the time. We used to look at holidays and he talked about the possibility of working abroad for a while and taking me with him. I do agree he probably never had the same level of feelings as I did him though, I just think he very much enjoyed being cared for.

 

None the less, it defo is time to move on.