indija Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Been with my (seemingly cool otherwise) boyfriend for a little over a year and a half, and I'm feeling like he's got me on some kind of need to know basis. I often find things out by reading a post on Facebook or from some other third party. This leaves me feeling like an idiot. I'm not talking about what he had for lunch, or what cool motorcycle he wishes he had. I'm talking about letting me know that his ex-wife is obsessed with him and goes to all his family's get-togethers and we could totally run into her. I'm talking about he doesn't say he met with Bob or Tina, he says he met with 'a friend' and doesn't elaborate. I'm talking about significant life changes and decisions he's pondering that he doesn't discuss, he just posts. And who knows what he's private messaging?? (Which I wouldn't even wonder or worry about, but for this pattern.) It's like, I think we talk about things that are important to us, I ask specific, direct questions, I try to be understanding and accepting of what I'm hearing so that we're both comfortable talking about even difficult subjects. So, what's up? I HATE, hate, hate finding out about stuff from Facebook!! Like anybody with a Facebook account knows as much as or more about him than I do. Also, he's got some issues (that now involve me) that he keeps very private, and he did tell me about those. But, he's also got some friends (exes?) he's told about them, which means these people know something about me indirectly, and I'd like to know who these people are, but he won't tell me. He also doesn't tell me who among the people we know he's "been with", so I never know if I'm talking to or watching him talk to an ex or someone who might still be wanting something more from him (given that he says he's still friends with "a lot" of his exes). It's like he'd rather protect their privacy or peace of mind than mine? I get that maybe in the past, he hasn't felt like he could be open with the person in his life, but it's like, I'M NOT THEM!! The information that might be involved doesn't bother me, because if we know what's going on, we can do something about it. What bothers me is that bad feeling like he's hiding something or he doesn't trust me or he just doesn't care how I feel about things (which he seems to otherwise). What bothers me is feeling left out, like an idiot who doesn't even know what anybody with a Facebook account could know. Ok, now I've vented and tried to sort out what the heck it is I want (and I guess you could say this has been brewing for a while now, because I'm sure it does sound like I want to be all up in his business, which I really don't...just want to be aware of things in his life that could affect me.) So, I suppose my question is this: is this piecemeal approach to communication the norm among guys without it meaning anything bad, or is this guy just wanting to have his cake and eat it too? Like, he has a girlfriend for all intents and purposes, but he can still act like a single guy, information and communication-wise?
Treasa Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 He sounds like a control freak to me. I wouldn't date him. I'd relegate him to "buddy" status and treat him like I do another other "buddy." If he shaped up on his own, cool, if not, I'd find someone else, or at least be alone.
Author indija Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 You wouldn't tell him why his behavior bothers you? Oh, I would! And I kind of have mentioned this in different ways but it just seems to keep happening. I just want to approach the topic carefully be sure that I'm not reading anything into something that may be completely natural or normal or average or whatever. I don't want him to feel threatened or anything. It just seems so easy to me to discuss what's on my mind, or to be open about exes or people I talk to or anything like that, so I don't understand why he's so seemingly tight-fisted with his information when he's so open about other things on public websites and such. I generally equate openness with a clear conscience or at least good intentions. He has cheated in past relationships, so I have to admit that when these communication issues come up, and they somehow have to do with other people knowing something I don't, or their feelings being more important than mine, it makes me feel a bit insecure. It's like, if I'd told you my last couple of relationships had ended because I was a pyromaniac, and you saw me playing with matches, wouldn't you start feeling a little uncomfortable too?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Oh, I would! And I kind of have mentioned this in different ways but it just seems to keep happening. I just want to approach the topic carefully be sure that I'm not reading anything into something that may be completely natural or normal or average or whatever. I don't want him to feel threatened or anything. It just seems so easy to me to discuss what's on my mind, or to be open about exes or people I talk to or anything like that, so I don't understand why he's so seemingly tight-fisted with his information when he's so open about other things on public websites and such. I generally equate openness with a clear conscience or at least good intentions. He has cheated in past relationships, so I have to admit that when these communication issues come up, and they somehow have to do with other people knowing something I don't, or their feelings being more important than mine, it makes me feel a bit insecure. It's like, if I'd told you my last couple of relationships had ended because I was a pyromaniac, and you saw me playing with matches, wouldn't you start feeling a little uncomfortable too? Tell him this. 1
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