My wife had an affair, 5 months into recovering

[Just a Guy]

Hi Niceup, Guess you have had a lot of good advice here. It is up to you to take what you think will help you and discard the rest. It seems to me that some people have a very low threshold of resistance when it comes to sex. Your wife would certainly fall in that category if what she says is true. That said, I would be very cautious going forward because her penchant for hopping into bed with the next guy who comes along would trump any chance of your having a good solid relationship with her. If sex is her weakness then there is very little that you can do about it and neither can she. It would be like an addiction. She may think she has got over it but a little pressure, or stress and she would fall flat on her face.

 

I wonder why you and your wife chose to get married when you knew that she was due for an exacting course of the kind that she was going to do, so soon after your wedding. Both of you could have waited till she finished so that the two of you could have truly bonded over a period of time without work/ study related stress creeping up on your relationship. Also I do not understand why you allowed your wife to take off for a week immediately after she finished her course, to stay with her sister and unwind. She should have done the unwinding with you. In fact you should have planned a short vacation with her as a gift for her having finished with a stressful and taxing course lasting a year. It just seems to me that enough thought was not given to renewing your strained relationship. I get the feeling that she may have been having a long distance emotional affair with her OM due to the fact that the two of you were having a strained relationship during her study course. That could be the reason that she took off immediately after the course to be with her sister (and the OM) while avoiding renewing her relationship with you.

 

I hope for your sake that whatever decision you take will bring you true happiness in the long run. You shouldn't have to be one of those who comes back to this forum a few years down the line with another sob story of how your marriage has failed or that your wife has had another affair/s or whatever. Best of luck!

[NiceUp]

Thanks for the responses everyone, both positive and harsh ones.

 

I suppose I should elaborate some more. The reason she gave for doing what she did is one of a few including feeling bad about herself for the distance her studies created, not feeling good enough for me, feeling powerful outside of our marriage. It wasnt as simple as one reason. She said it ultimately wasnt about the sex, it was about the shallow attention...

 

So this is what I have to take from it. Do the reasons make sense? **** no. Bit this is my reality.

 

Also, JustAGuy, the immediate vacation after school was a gift from and taken with her mom. No one else was involved or knew what happened, just to dispel any conspiracy theorists.

 

Additionally, I took her on a vacation 3 weeks after her graduation, or 2 weeks after the beginning of the affair. So yes, I was trying to reconnect after a stressful year. But the secrets had already began and I had no chance or say in what had begun behind my back.

 

I'm taking the good and bad advice. I'm a good guy but I'm not ignorant or play the nice guy card. It is still early in all this and my mind is still spinning. It'll take me some time to figure all this out,

 

Also, **** just leaving out right and hoping all that will resolve my complete lack of trust in everything in life now. That won't do.

[Darren Steez]

Yes, we've talked about it, a whole lot. However, sometimes, when the mood is not right, she gets short about it and it seems (to me) that its bothersome. I could be having a perfect day, and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a WTF moment and have questions... If she's in a bad mood or tired and I bring it up, she acts a bit defensive or short.

 

I guess I just don't know how to feel like we're on the right track. She's affectionate and open with me, and all these things. However, she has always been this way, even during the affair. I suppose I'm seeking some A-ha moment that allows me to feel like we're doing this right.

 

Other times, when I'm angry about it, I just want to start a new life. It's a hard thing for me to imagine though, we have a special bond that's hard to imagine being gone.

 

You don't unfortunately...it's not a bond that stopped her from cheating was it?

You stop thinking in those idealized fantastical terms and concentrate on the reality of the situation, you might have a chance, otherwise you'll be staying in this relationship for the wrong reasons, chasing some ideal that really isn't there.

 

You either want to be with her and visualize a future you can eventually put this all behind you and move forward, only if she puts in the work to make this happen.. or

 

If she doesn't make you happy and you can never trust her, then file and go and live your life.

[Jonah]

Do the reasons make sense? **** no. Bit this is my reality.

 

Reasons... it doesn't make much difference unless it was something significant about the BS. In your case Niceup, its not. She loves you so she will say what she feels will make you feel better. "didn't feel good enough for you". Do you really think that crossed her mind? Affairs are exciting, the juiciness of the sex extreme. You saw the texts so you know it was for fun. There wasn't any other reasons. Why she didn't turn away no one will ever know so you might as well stop trying to figure it out. Even if everything was perfect in your marriage she still may have wanted this excitement in her life. Drop the storyline and enjoy your wife. She is being super sweet to you so you best enjoy it while you can. Milk it for all it's worth. One day you will look back at this time when your wife was trying to make it better for you and wish you could go back and relive it. Well not the affair but the attention she is showering you with. I applaud your vision. It appears that she does love you... it is nice to be loved.

[Jonah]

 

The guy is a mutual friend of my wife and her sister. I met him once a couple years ago.

 

 

However, the day before I found out, they were talking, according to her.

 

Does her sister know? Did she make any plans with him when they were talking together? Precisely what did they talk about. Ask these questions in an MC session. These are things you will want to know sooner or later. Don't let it go. Let her get it out so its out. Whatever the truth is, it's better than the not knowing. Listen for lack of detail which is an indication of dishonesty. If her sister knew then you need to be sure and chew her out.

[Steadfast]

Also, **** just leaving out right and hoping all that will resolve my complete lack of trust in everything in life now. That won't do.

 

That's fear talking.

 

By all means don't make any major decisions while spinning, but it is not too early to weigh what is against what isn't. You might think I'm being harsh, but it's nothing compared to what your wife subjected your relationship to. The relationship you're protecting. Be smart. Your instincts will betray you. Listen to the voice of experience in matters where you have none.

[aliveagain]

There are two statistics that I want to bring to your attention. The first is generally affairs that take place earlier on in the marriage are more correlated with dissatisfaction than those that take place later on in the marriage. The second is, having children increases the likelihood of marital affairs. The point is, if she is already dissatisfied with your marriage and if your planning at some point to have a family, what are the chances this won't happen again specially when she has proven to you that she is more than ready to do so if she thinks she can get away with it? There is one more statistic to mention, marriages that suffer infidelity in the first year of marriage have a much lower survival rate, I hope she does the work to find out why she was able to rationalize having an affair and you don't become one of marriages that fail. Do not accept any rug sweeping, make her accountable, many couples tend to act quickly to minimize the damage and the intensity of the situation.

[jnj express]

Your "so called loving" wife---is nothing but selfish

 

If she were truly repentant/remorseful/contrite, and being accountable---she would answer each and every question/concern/need of yours a THOUSAND TIMES IF NECESSARY, and BE HAPPY TO DO IT---instead she is moving toward a good solid RUG SWEEPING

 

Your wife loves you---REALLY!!!!!---she has a strange way of showing it

 

You and her had some troubles, very early on in your mge---and that in and of itself is an anomaly, for the 1st few yrs of most mge's---the spouses are so in love/starry eyed/into each other, that nothing else exists, not your wife, early on in the 2nd yr. she is already hooking up with another man---so much for the starry eyed lovers, early in a mge.

 

If she didn't like that you were withdrawing from her, cuz of her activities----why didn't she go and talk to you

 

Not a chance in he*l---you see she ended with one of these guys who specializes in married women---the kind who find a somewhat unhappy wife, and he gives them what they want---and in this case, what you really had no idea was lacking---he convinced her, that he could give her, what you wouldn't/were not----and she instead of having some sense/morals/respect---just went tight on down the path with him, allowing him right into her body---- A PLACE WHERE BY SACRED VOW, ONLY YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GO---so much for your so called wife respecting her vows

 

But I will tell you she knew what she was doing, every step of the way----and she knew what she was doing when she spread her legs, and she knew that by spreading her legs, she was destroying you----did that stop her---HE*L NO---and then she has the nerve to come and tell you she loves you----you may buy that crap---I CERTAINLY DO NOT---but then again I ain't married to her---and I don't have to look at her, and trigger from looking at her----I don't have to live in misery for many days of my life, cuz SHE DOES TRIGGER ME (that being you)

 

Its your life, and your wife---2 things IMHO, you should consider----MAKE HER SIGN A POST--NUP, ---do NOT have KIDS with this WOMAN

 

just out of curiosity, What consequences and boundaries are in place----does she get to live her cushy life style, from before her cheating episodes---is she still in the marital bedroom---does she still get her lovey dovey, mr nice guy from you---if so---this is all just telling her in no uncertain terms----hey you can cheat, and I won't do anything about it---

 

You know what the last paragraph brings to light---she will cheat again, when it behooves her---CUZ THERE WERE NO MAJOR CONSEQUENCES THIS TIME---SO WHY NOT CHEAT AGAIN---WHEN THE RIGHT GUY COMES ALONG---YOU WILL JUST TAKE HER BACK

[Confused48]

NiceUp,

 

I thought it was decidedly not helpful for so many posters on your thread to say that they would not stand for a woman that cheated b/c of attention given to her by an OM. This is not right for several reasons.

 

First, no one knows what they will or will not tolerate until they are asked to. It is easy to imagine that you would not tolerate something. I have unfortunately joined the many others on this site in the sad club of people who used to say they would never attempt to reconcile after an A was discovered. I was wrong. The posters that claim they would never, but have never been tested, they don't know. I hope they don't find out the hard way.

 

Secondly, you just said she was given attention. Not many details. I know that when a person cheats it is very often NOT about sex. It is about the need for external validation. One person giving another a huge amount of praise and time and attention can be very alluring. It can create an infatuation. The brain chemicals start taking over.

 

I'm ready for everyone here to now jump on me and say "But not everyone sucums to this temptation!" That is true. It is wrong, weak, immoral... on and on. But to say that having an affair for this reason is any more of an indicator of weakness just ignores how dangerous and effective simply giving attention and affection can be.

 

Good luck to you NiceUp.