My wife had an affair, 5 months into recovering

[NiceUp]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading Loveshack for the past 5 months or so. I discovered it after the devastation and shock of finding out, by accident, about my wife's affair on January 5th. One tends to think they have it all figured out and can handle most troubles in life. Then something like this happens and you feel so alone. Hopefully this isn't too long of a tale...

 

A little background info:

My wife and I have been together for nearly 5 years and recently just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off right away. For the first few months of our relationship, it was long distance. We have and/or had a great relationship and a really deep connection with each other. Lately we have noticed even more how similar we are.

 

A week after we got married, she began an intense, 1-year nursing program that took up a lot, if not all of her time. This was hard on both of us. I felt a bit neglected and wanted more time with her. A consequence of this was that I pulled away a bit and gradually started to become disinterested in what she was working towards. Now, I see that that was me not wanting to focus on something that was taking her away from me already. Not a justification, but an observation in retrospect. In turn, she felt not good enough and neglected and we never really got to the root of the problem we were experiencing... Resentments and lack of communication grew.

 

She graduated in May of 2012, roughly a year after we were married. Things were seemingly great between us last summer. We travelled a lot and really enjoyed being with each other again. She still was feeling bad with herself that it was so hard for her to find a job, but the tension of her school year was gone between us...

 

Fast forward to this past January, 8 months after she graduated...

 

She was out of town visiting relatives for the weekend. I had to stay home for a job interview. That Saturday morning I heard a ringtone going off in a old bag of her's. I thought it was odd because I know she didn't forget her phone. It turned out that it was her old phone that she upgraded in September 2012 while on a trip out of town to visit her sister and its alarm was going off.

I looked at the phone and noticed that there was an unusually high amount of text messages from a guy right up near the top, as well as a lot from me... The guy is a mutual friend of my wife and her sister. I met him once a couple years ago.

 

I began to read them and I didn't get two messages deep until my heart exploded. They were pretty graphic sexual texts reminiscing about their time together. I couldn't read more than a couple because it hurt so bad. The texts dated from May to September right before she upgraded her phone. No need for me to use my imagination, I could read nearly everything that they did together through those texts.

 

(She visited her sister, who lives 1800 miles away, in May 2012 for a week, right after she graduated and that's when the first encounter began).

 

These graphic texts were sent one night in September, right before she went to see her sister again and the night before I left for a 3 week solo cross country motorcycle trip I'd been planning for a couple years.

So on that morning, right after my world came crashing down, she texted me from out of town to say she loves me. I immediately confronted her, she quickly denied it, I told her I had proof, and that's when the "D-Day" began...

 

When we saw each other later tht night she was crying as I walked in the door. Apologizing profusely. Saying it didn't mean anything. Doesn't know why she did it, etc, etc. She told me that they had sex 3 times and that she saw it as an exchange for the compliments and ways this guy made her feel. They were "friends" and it eventually crossed the line.

They texted each other multiple times per day over the summer and it eventually decreased in frequency after their last encounter in September. However, the day before I found out, they were talking, according to her. So the whole thing lasted 8 months...

 

It ****ing hurts like hell 5 months later. We're both in IC, and MC together. The first 3-4 months were very very hard for me, I just love this girl a whole whole lot. This past month was better but I still think about it constantly.

It began as a problem that had nothing to do with me, and that I did nothing wrong, said she. It was all her and her conflict avoidance, she said. But lately it seems like it's hard for her to talk about if I have bad days and it's a ****ty burden to carry and to be made to feel equally responsible. Yes, I admit my role in creating any problems between us but none of this was my decision.

 

Sometimes I think she just really really liked this dude and could lie about it and get away with it. And that it had nothing to do with our marriage.

 

I'm really trying my best at reconciliation and forgiveness. She's been pretty transparent too (email, phone records, etc). Some days I just want to leave though. It's impossible to know what's genuine anymore. Do people really change? Somedays I feel strong and forgiving. Other days I feel like a pussy for being too kind about this mess.

 

I apologize for the length of this. I would just like some feedback from others with similar experiences. I know we are all unique in our own ways but any insight is appreciated.

[NotCamelot]

First, I am very sorry for your situation. Yes, it does hurt in a way others can never imagine. In the words of my wife when I discovered what she was doing, "How does it feel to have the one persone you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?"

 

Don't expect that you have all the truth yet. The "trickle truth" is another thing that continues the pain. Just when you are feeling better, here comes another bit of truth to start the whole hurt all over again.

 

She needs to be 100% transparent, not "mostly".

 

Does the guy have a wife or girlfriend? If so, you should tell that person. Also, be prepared to show them the proof as they will be prepared to believe his lies. But they should know the same truth you know.

 

Even though you both are probably responsible for things that were not as good as could be in the marriage, she is 100% responsible for the affair. She had the choice to do it -- or not.

 

Get tested for STDs......now! Make her get tested as well. Your life could be in danger due to her affair.

 

Keep your mind occupied and stay busy. Helps with the mind movies.

 

And, if you two are to stay together, create new memories, new love, and dedicate in a way that is stronger than you did before. It can work.

[NewSouth]

I'm sorry to hear your story, but it's a familiar one. If you are both committed to working through it, then stick with the IC and MC. For trust to be rebuilt, there has to be genuine repentance as well as forgiveness. And forgiveness is a long process.

[BetrayedH]

Neither you nor the state of your marriage are at fault for your wife's affair. She had an obligation to fix her marriage or leave it. She chose otherwise and, as you've aptly stated, you didn't make any part of that decision. Neither of you should permit any blameshifting onto you for that decision. You can own half of any marital problems; she gets to own 100% of the decision to cheat.

 

That said, I do believe that a reconciling couple can multi-task. My wife's affair was a wake-up call for me about resentment that had built up in my wife ( and in myself, to be honest). As you've mentioned about your wife, mine was conflict-avoidant. She did not have the courage to confront me about the things that were building resentment in her. Of course, this made it impossible for me to fix as I am not a mind-reader.

 

Where I am concerned for you is your wife's apparent current inability (?) to talk about the affair. If I learned anything, it's that unresolved resentment can kill a relationship so whatever resentment is building HAS to be dealt with and that includes your resentment over her affair. In my current relationship, if I even remotely feel uncomfortable discussing something, that means that we HAVE to discuss it. I may take some time to verify that my thoughts and feelings are valid and more than just an emotional reaction but you can rest assured, the topic is coming up. Resentment has to be resolved.

 

I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs To Know. Pay particular attention to Jacob's letter.

 

If you've been around a while, you know that conventional wisdom puts you at 2-5 years for recovery and it's a ridiculously hard road. You've barely been married but a few years and I believe you said you have no children with this woman. Are you certain you want to do this work? Without the complication of children and decades of marital assets to divide, it may be easier than you imagine to just begin a second life. Your instincts after DDay are to survive, "fix" the problem, and save your marriage. We want the world to stop spinning and we stay out of fear. Have you gotten past that?

 

Your wife also needs to be fully invested. I believe mine tried to stay out of guilt, fear, and obligation. It didn't work.

 

I'm not trying to discourage you from reconciling but pointing out some of the typical trip-hazards.

[NiceUp]

Where I am concerned for you is your wife's apparent current inability (?) to talk about the affair. If I learned anything, it's that unresolved resentment can kill a relationship so whatever resentment is building HAS to be dealt with and that includes your resentment over her affair

 

Yes, we've talked about it, a whole lot. However, sometimes, when the mood is not right, she gets short about it and it seems (to me) that its bothersome. I could be having a perfect day, and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a WTF moment and have questions... If she's in a bad mood or tired and I bring it up, she acts a bit defensive or short.

 

I guess I just don't know how to feel like we're on the right track. She's affectionate and open with me, and all these things. However, she has always been this way, even during the affair. I suppose I'm seeking some A-ha moment that allows me to feel like we're doing this right.

 

Other times, when I'm angry about it, I just want to start a new life. It's a hard thing for me to imagine though, we have a special bond that's hard to imagine being gone.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, we've talked about it, a whole lot. However, sometimes, when the mood is not right, she gets short about it and it seems (to me) that its bothersome. I could be having a perfect day, and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a WTF moment and have questions... If she's in a bad mood or tired and I bring it up, she acts a bit defensive or short.

 

I guess I just don't know how to feel like we're on the right track. She's affectionate and open with me, and all these things. However, she has always been this way, even during the affair. I suppose I'm seeking some A-ha moment that allows me to feel like we're doing this right.

 

Other times, when I'm angry about it, I just want to start a new life. It's a hard thing for me to imagine though, we have a special bond that's hard to imagine being gone.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

 

Her being short or defensive is a pretty bad sign in my book. She doesn't get to punch you in the face and then complain about how long you are bleeding.

 

What is she doing to rebuild trust. She needs to be doing the heavy-lifting here and it appears that she needs to be the one to understand that she's got 2-5 years of this coming her way. The more she is short or defensive, the longer it will take, if reconciliation happens at all. You cannot go around an affair; you must go THROUGH it. Trying to go fast makes is slow. In the case of recovering from infidelity, slow IS fast. Five months is barely getting started.

 

Sadly, I don't think you'll have that "a-ha" moment you're hoping for. I was always looking for a silver-bullet solution, too. I wanted to know what else needed to be done. I wanted to somehow cross items off the list and then, ta-da, we're done. It doesn't happen that way. What will likely do it for you is seeing her consistent actions over time. Note that time is a four-letter word.

[findingnemo]

Yes, we've talked about it, a whole lot. However, sometimes, when the mood is not right, she gets short about it and it seems (to me) that its bothersome. I could be having a perfect day, and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a WTF moment and have questions... If she's in a bad mood or tired and I bring it up, she acts a bit defensive or short.

 

I guess I just don't know how to feel like we're on the right track. She's affectionate and open with me, and all these things. However, she has always been this way, even during the affair. I suppose I'm seeking some A-ha moment that allows me to feel like we're doing this right.

 

Other times, when I'm angry about it, I just want to start a new life. It's a hard thing for me to imagine though, we have a special bond that's hard to imagine being gone.

 

I'm sorry about the pain you're going through. Rs are very difficult from what I've read here.

 

Let me ask, what made you decide to try to work it out rather than get a D? I just want to understand your thinking prior to agreeing to MC.

[BetrayedH]

As for the "special bond," I think you need to start looking at your wife in a more realistic light. Your wife is not who you thought she was. She shared the most intimate part of your relationship with another man and did it just a few years into your marriage. You will not "get your wife back" because that woman you thought you married never really existed. We tend to project our thoughts, feelings, and belief systems on others that are close to us. We think that they must feel and think like we do. Your wife didn't think or act like you. She is different than you thought. The question then becomes, would you take vows and marry THIS new person? For some, they experience true remorse after seeing what they've done and they change significantly from the cheater they once were. Others are just feigning remorse because they are stuck in damage control mode; they have to manage you and the situation to avoid any further disaster. The trick is figuring out who your wife is now. And again, that takes time. There is a lot she can do to help. What is she doing?

[NotCamelot]

You seem almost 2 willing 2 patch things up. Do you want 2 have 2 deal with these uncertainties for 2-5 more years? Because that's how long it typically takes a couple 2 recover from an affair.

 

You haven't been married long and you have no kids. Divorce as a viable option.

 

-ol' 2long

 

NiceUp does not give his age ........but I normally would lean toward the "fix it if you can" side of things. But, knowing how hard reconciling is, if she is not willing to do everything needed, I would have to go along with this. It may be easier to start over with someone new...that has no bad history or things to try to forget.

[NiceUp]

I'm sorry about the pain you're going through. Rs are very difficult from what I've read here.

 

Let me ask, what made you decide to try to work it out rather than get a D? I just want to understand your thinking prior to agreeing to MC.

 

I guess, after the first few days of discovering, she begged me to please allow her to fix it and that she would do anything to do so. She sorted out all the counseling, made all the appointments, apologized profusely. She also said it had nothing to do with not wanting to be with me, not loving me, etc.

 

Coupling this with my shock, and my love for her, is what allowed me to agree to work on the problem with her.

[NiceUp]

There is a lot she can do to help. What is she doing?

 

BetrayedH, thank you for your responses.

 

Shes opened everything up to me, including email, facebook, allowing me to go through her phone (unfortunately, she could text this dude with iMessage since they both have iPhones and I would never know since it shows up as data, not a text, on bills). She answered my questions, and still does. However, the replies are not very in depth anymore. Maybe there isnt much more to say? Additionally, she is open with me about what she is feeling and not holding anything back like she did before.

 

Yes, we are "working" on it. Im being more demonstrative and she's being more open. However, I just cant seem to grasp it. The hideousness and preposterousness of it all. And the trust is shattered. How I am supposed to believe that there is true remorse, and true love, when in the beginning I trusted all that 100%.

[NiceUp]

NiceUp does not give his age ........but I normally would lean toward the "fix it if you can" side of things. But, knowing how hard reconciling is, if she is not willing to do everything needed, I would have to go along with this. It may be easier to start over with someone new...that has no bad history or things to try to forget.

 

 

I think about this a lot. I also think about all of our good times, new and old. I think about our love.

 

I guess its easier said than done to just start over? OR maybe its just easier than I think to actually start over.

 

Im 31, by the way. No kids.

Edited May 22, 2013 by NiceUp

[drifter777]

The best advice you've gotten so far is to examine the whole situation and decide if reconciling with a cheating wife is really worth all the pain and hard work ahead of you. If she's already showing signs that you need to "get over it" then she is NOT doing all she can to make things right and earn back trust. Another huge factor going against reconciliation is that you caught her. Who knows how long this would have went on if you hadn't busted her. As far as her telling you it was over anyway or whatever you need to remember one thing above all others: a cheater will lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more. It's the nature of the beast. Anything they believe you cannot verify will be withheld or twisted.

 

In the case where there are no children and you've been married such a short time I generally think divorce is the best option. I see nothing in your story that would change my opinion on this.

[road]

If you decide to recover you will not be healed in 2 to 5 weeks. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

Do you want to be 36, hopefully no kids, and want to divorce her then if recovery does not work out?

 

Married a short time.

 

Taking separate vacations.

 

Cheating.

 

You fall into the group best to cut your loses now.

 

 

If you want to recover get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Schedule a polygraph test because your WW has not told you all. 99% of WW's always trickle truth. When a WW says it was just 3 times. Yes, most likely three times one night. How convienent for WW's to forget the other times.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but she was screwing another guy behind your back numerous time, putting at health risk for STD's, lying to your face at about it at only the first year mark in your marriage? You have no kids. Get out while you can. She clearly is sorry.....sorry that she caught. Otherwise she would still be screwing this guy. She had no intention of stopping this or telling you.

 

Clearly a marriage commitment and vows means nothing to her. It sounds like she knows how to manipulate you very well. Her actions shows clearly after only 1 year of marriage that down deep she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

When happens when she gets a full time job and a good looking doctor starts to hit on her? You have no kids. It is easy now but it will be very difficult next time with kids. She also now knows that she can screw another man behind her husbands back but if caught her husband will forgive her. In general, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Good luck.

[BeholdtheMan]

*snip*

I sympathise with your pain my friend...but do you know what's wrong with you?

 

YOU'RE TOO NICE

 

Disgustingly graphic sexual texts, you confront her, she lies, you say you have evidence, then she admits to the truth and starts her crying act...and you buy it??? Really?!

 

She's sorry that she got caught, she's not sorry for cheating on you. I would like to hear from you why you haven't even considered divorce.

 

If your wife knows that you don't have the guts to walk away, she'll take you for granted...GUARANTEED.

 

Oh...and stop blaming yourself for her cheating. I'm sure you weren't the perfect husband, but that doesn't justify cheating. Your wife should've confronted you about your shortcoming. Then you guys could've tried to work it out. If that fails, then your wife had the option of divorce. Cheating is never the right response to problems in a marriage.

[2sunny]

I sympathise with your pain my friend...but do you know what's wrong with you?

 

YOU'RE TOO NICE

 

Disgustingly graphic sexual texts, you confront her, she lies, you say you have evidence, then she admits to the truth and starts her crying act...and you buy it??? Really?!

 

She's sorry that she got caught, she's not sorry for cheating on you. I would like to hear from you why you haven't even considered divorce.

 

If your wife knows that you don't have the guts to walk away, she'll take you for granted...GUARANTEED.

 

Oh...and stop blaming yourself for her cheating. I'm sure you weren't the perfect husband, but that doesn't justify cheating. Your wife should've confronted you about your shortcoming. Then you guys could've tried to work it out. If that fails, then your wife had the option of divorce. Cheating is never the right response to problems in a marriage.

 

I agree with this. What severe consequences has your wife had?

 

What truth did she give you? How can you know what she really did with this guy? How can you believe she won't do it again?

[whichwayisup]

You've been married for 2 years and she's had an affair already. She is a broken woman.. And of course you did nothing wrong so believe her about that! This is all on her and her issues/insecurities/etc, so I hope for your sake she fixes herself, learns some boundries and stays away from 'friendships' with men that don't include you.

 

People deserve second chances IF they are worthy of it. I really hope for your sake her tears were genuine and not crocodile tears out of desperation of possibly losing you and her being alone, starting over. You love her and obviously are willing to give her a chance, but DO make sure she understands that if she cheats again with this guy or any other guy, there will be a divorce immediately and no more chances.

 

Just seems she didn't suffer many consquences..

 

Did her sister know? Is that guy married or have a girlfriend?

 

Time for her to get a new phone and new number with it, one that you can track. You say she has a phone that you can't keep track of, that's not good - MANY people "slip" up during recovery, especially at the beginning, there's withdrawal to deal with and of course "closure".. which just feeds the addiction of the affair and the feelings and the ego.

 

Has he tried to contact her? if he has, has she told you about it? Or if she contacted him, has she told you?

 

Sorry but from what I've read about D-days and continuing contact with the exAP happens a lot more often than total no contact after the A ends. Doesn't mean the A is going to start up again, but the dynamic of texting and the highs and intensity of the A is hard to let go of, so I hope for you sake she is being honest.

[Jonah]

I agree with this. What severe consequences has your wife had?

 

What truth did she give you? How can you know what she really did with this guy? How can you believe she won't do it again?

 

He could swap spouses for someone that's been through even more men, possibly raise someone else's kids and still not know for certain that his new mate wouldn't cheat on him. It's too bad he has to suffer this, but to trade in one set of baggage for another may not be the best solution. Being satisfied with what one has is often the best case scenario. Sounds like that is what he is seeking to do here. It is refreshing to read of someone that isn't so vindictive and spiteful.

[Try]

She told me that they had sex 3 times and that she saw it as an exchange for the compliments and ways this guy made her feel.

This shows that she does not respect you or your marraige at all. It is one of the weakest reasons for cheating that I have ever read.

 

You are a nice guy. As a nice guy you are trying too hard to find out what you could have done different that would have made her not do this. Stop trying because it was not you, it was her. Yes you are not perfect, but no one is. You not being perfect is no reason for her to cheat. Also, she became more distant with you as she was getting her needs met by her lover, so do not blame yourself for reacting like a normal human to her putting distance between you.

 

The longer that you are married the more time that you will have time to make mistakes. In all marriages there will be ups and downs. As a person that does not respect marriage she will use these downs as a reason to cheat. All cheaters do this. They hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to because they want their spouse to fail so that they can justify their cheating. She cheated on you after only one year of marraige when you should have still been in the honeymoon period of your marraige. Once you have kids, things will get harder not easier. If she cheated now, she will probably cheat again, but next time kids will be in the marraige.

 

With no children and married for so short a time, you need to think about moving on and finding someone that you can trust. Trust is what makes good marriages and she is not a trustworthy spouse. Wow, I still cannot beleive that she told you that "that they had sex 3 times and that she saw it as an exchange for the compliments and ways this guy made her feel". Her boundaries are just so low. Over the years, other men will compliment her and make her feel good at times when you marraige is going thorough a normal rough patch. Can you really trust that she will not cheat again? Do you really want to have to find out with children in the mix?

[2sunny]

Apparently your wife exchanges sex for compliments.

 

How do you go through a lifetime with someone thinking she going to spread her legs every time a man says she looks good?

 

She's broken. It's gonna take a ton of effort for her to figure out why she thinks that's an appropriate response to kindness.

 

A simple "thanks" should have been adequate.

 

Payback with sex is VERY concerning.

[Steadfast]

It's impossible to know what's genuine anymore. Do people really change? Somedays I feel strong and forgiving. Other days I feel like a pussy for being too kind about this mess...I know we are all unique in our own ways but any insight is appreciated.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are in a fantastic position. With no children, you are free to break contact and leave her to her life and what she can make of it. If you love her, you'll divorce and leave her. Allow her to experience the consequences of her actions is a real and tangible way; in a way that can make a true and profound effect on her life. Glossing over and hoping it 'works out' with therapy and 'forgiveness' is a sure fire way to keep those old problems right where they are. She may say she loves you, but there's a great chance she doesn't know what love is. If she did, she simply would not have done what she did. It's that easy.

 

You gain a great lesson in life. One that will put a priority on long courtships and truly being best friends before becoming life-long partners with a would-be female sometime in the future. True love and commitment to another person sweetens life, it is not the foundation on which you build your happiness upon. That foundation should be your resolve, your great character, your honestly and your drive to succeed. This is being a man!

 

I understand the difficulty involved, but you have a rare opportunity to start clean and make your life one worth living. The pain you feel leaving her will strengthen your resolve to never allow it to happen again.

 

IMO, you shouldn't allow this chance at happiness to slip through your fingers. You will not accomplish all you can with a heart filled with wonder and worry. She is a cheater with superficial love. Allow her the chance at the same. She must do this alone...married or not. You can't do it for her.

 

Being satisfied with what one has is often the best case scenario. Sounds like that is what he is seeking to do here. It is refreshing to read of someone that isn't so vindictive and spiteful.

 

Hogwash. This is truly the worst advice I've seen posted here. As people, we should never settle for less than what we're willing to give. Ever.

[Sadwife37]

Hi NiceUp,

I'm not sure if you are still reading these posts or not. They have been pretty brutal lately, encouraging you to leave, so I know you may have stopped reading because of all the hurt.

But I wanted to post a reply anyway. I certainly can't tell you to stay, or that your wife is worth it or that your marriage can overcome this. But maybe it can. I don't know what will be the right choice for you, but I do know that my H's A was very similar to your W's. The details are very similar, getting attention and compliments from the AP, having phone and text contact first, then a few sexual encounters with the emotional stuff continuing. My H explained it a lot like your W has. It happened outside our M, wasn't about me and wanting out. It developed gradually and suddenly was a full blown sexual A that he hadn't planned or sought out. He compartmentalized it and rationalized within himself that it wouldn't impact us and didn't have anything to do with us.

 

His OW was the out front instigator. He was flattered and the attention was fun. She would tell him she was horny for him and invite him over. Come on, we all know that would be tempting and flattering. I was at home, caring for three little kids, paying bills, cleaning toilets, pinching pennies. Life was busy, hard and hectic.

 

( Now, before everyone yells at me for justifying my H's A, I DO NOT!!! I think it was a disgusting, painful and an unbelievably selfish thing to do. Our life was what life was suppose to be. That's a true family raising kids. I worked through the hard times. I loved him. I planned nights together and tried my best to make things good for us while he focused on another woman. Not cool! I stayed. I did not cheat. He absolutely should not have and I believe he deserves to lose his family for what he did. I will never get over the pain.

 

But I chose to stay. He has changed 100%. I do believe he loves me and now values me and our family more than he ever did before. He is devastated by what he did and the pain he caused me. He s absolutely committed to our recovery.

 

I am 18 months past DDay. I still have some awful days. But most days are good. I still think about it and have worries and doubts all the time. But 6-12 months past DDay were the worst for me. I truly could only barely function. I thought about the A and the OW constantly. The pain would take my breath away. It really is remarkable that I didn't get myself medicated.

 

Getting past this takes a lot of time and patience. If you decide to stay give yourself a break. The pain and doubts go on for a long time.

 

I believe my H was in a horrible place within himself. He made awful choice that have hurt our family terribly. But I believe he will never do anything like that again and if he could, he would take it back. He loves me and wants our family. A's can happen one time and relationships can survive.

 

Good luck. I hope you figure out what choice is right for you. I hope you heal quickly and completely and find happiness again.

(Sorry if this is full of typo's - I did it n my phone)

[NotCamelot]

NiceUp.........

 

Do what you think will make you happy.....BUT...

 

Re-reading your original post and the rest here - one thing still stands out. She TOLD you she screwed the guy because of compliments that made her feel good! OMG! How shallow is this woman?

 

I am all for reconciling if at all possible. ..... BUT...

 

What happens the next time some guy compliments her? How will you ever trust her again? And, if you can't trust her, you have nothing.

[Jonah]

NiceUp.........

 

She TOLD you she screwed the guy because of compliments that made her feel good!

 

 

Silly excuse yes. The real reason is the same as most... because she wanted to. Her excuse is no worse or better than most, save as for the addict, the wife beater, or for the frigid - those at least have some reason about them. Funny that these bologna excuse phrases just increase the injury. To stick with the truth, "for the red hot passionate sex", may be harder for the WS to say and the BS to bear initially but it's the obvious truth and it's best to just keep it clear that way than to try and muddy the waters.

 

But her excuse sounding corny means nothing. It's just a sentence she came up with under duress that she thought may soften the blow some. That she is taking continuous action to make him feel better does mean something.

 

Today this guy has a W that is doing what she can to make her H feel loved. Probably in bed too! There are worse places to be.