half_ofa_heart Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Question... Is there anyone here who had an A and ended it without a d-day or ever getting caught? If so, how long was the A and who ended it? I'm sure its possible but I imagine very rare and furthermore that they would be on LS.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Look around on the OW/OM page. There are a tonne of people who end things before a D Day. It happens all the time. 1
HonestNeurotic Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I ended my previous affair without a d day. It happens more often than you think. And if it was just about the sex - well, then people aren't heartbroken or emotional and don't feel compelled to search the internet for places like LS to discuss it. 1
Author half_ofa_heart Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I guess I should have added a little more content to my thread... how did you ever resolve the monkey on your back? the feeling that you're always on the run and/or hiding something?
BetrayedH Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Bazed on one survey of wayward spouses, about half were eventually found out. Of that 50%, about half were voluntarily disclosed and the other half were discovered. 2
Goodbye Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Question... Is there anyone here who had an A and ended it without a d-day or ever getting caught? If so, how long was the A and who ended it? I'm sure its possible but I imagine very rare and furthermore that they would be on LS. I was unattached, so I wasn't the one who would be "caught." My exMM never had a real D day and pretty much got away with it, with the exception of a few questions here and there. I ended it after he said he "needed space"...which I interpreted as he needed to stop talking to me/seeing me before he really did get caught.
underwater2010 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Question... Is there anyone here who had an A and ended it without a d-day or ever getting caught? If so, how long was the A and who ended it? I'm sure its possible but I imagine very rare and furthermore that they would be on LS. Yep...my FWH and his MOW both ended their affair almost a year before I found out. The affair lasted about 1 1/2 yrs on and off. She went on to have an affair with another man as my FWH would not "seal the deal". Even after many offers to meet up with him. Moral of the story.....you might think you got off the hook, but things often come to light, even if years later. 3
psm04 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Question... Is there anyone here who had an A and ended it without a d-day or ever getting caught? If so, how long was the A and who ended it? I'm sure its possible but I imagine very rare and furthermore that they would be on LS. Yes. Both myself and xOMM never had a d-day or anything like that. My H knows about the EA because I confided in him after the affair ended. We tried to end it from both sides several times, but never could stop talking. The most recent time was initiated by me, and it has felt the most final. We have started talking at work here and there recently, but pretty formal. As for how long the affair lasted, 2 years. I base that on when we confided in each other about our feelings.
chaser0195 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Yep...my FWH and his MOW both ended their affair almost a year before I found out. The affair lasted about 1 1/2 yrs on and off. She went on to have an affair with another man as my FWH would not "seal the deal". Even after many offers to meet up with him. Moral of the story.....you might think you got off the hook, but things often come to light, even if years later. How did you find out About his affair? 1
underwater2010 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 How did you find out About his affair? My silly FWH forgot to delete a few messages on facebook. He left it open and I happened to look. That got the ball rolling and the rest is history. Oh...he was a good boy and deleted all the pics and videos from his main email account, but sadly it was synced up with outlook and had not been refreshed for quite some time. In case you think you cover all your tracks, be sure to check out detective items. Never underestimate a woman scorned. 2
findingnemo Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I guess I should have added a little more content to my thread... how did you ever resolve the monkey on your back? the feeling that you're always on the run and/or hiding something? My A lasted 8 years and ended without a real d-day. I suspect she knew but he says she didn't. I ended it. The monkey on your back is a great topic!! I don't know about others, I feel like I will always be on the run. I still avoid the BW to this day. I don't think I can look her in the eyes without cringing. :sick:
firstandlast Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I'm surprised by the number of affairs that go on undetected. My wife was very suspicious and had a surprisingly accurate idea of what was going on (I'm ashamed to say that she didn't know the full extent of it -- she never imagined I would do anything as terrible as I did). On the other hand, my xMOW's husband has no idea about his wife's other life as a "single" woman. He knew about some inappropriate emails from me but didn't know it was a full-on affair and doesn't know about the others. He's a really smart guy, too. I don't think she'll ever get caught unless she get's really careless or confesses.
KathyM Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Moral of the story.....you might think you got off the hook, but things often come to light, even if years later. That's very true, and I hear about cases like this often. Where the WS thinks he/she can just stop the affair and go back to his marriage with allswell, only to find out that the spouse discovers years later about the affair. I know someone IRL who discovered email accounts and internet activity that gave away the affair three years after it ended. That is also one reason why the affair should be confessed, so that the WS could start over without worry about what might be discovered later on. I can't imagine keeping that kind of secret from a spouse for years or for life. The spouse never knowing the real person, but only a fake façade, and not loving the real person, past warts and all. I've heard of affairs discovered after the WS is dead. Can you imagine being held captive in a marriage that is based on a lie, and never knowing the truth until the WS is dead? Or having your worst fears and your tarnished legacy (in the case of the WS) be brought out after your death? I would think people would not want to live like that, having this huge secret kept from the one you love, and knowing that every time your spouse looks at you with love, she is only seeing the fake façade, and that her love is not real because it is for someone who does not exist. Far better to come clean, confess and put it out there, and ask for forgiveness and rebuild based on honesty, than to live a lie the rest of your life. 3
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Yep...my FWH and his MOW both ended their affair almost a year before I found out. How'd you find out? Looking at his Facebook, right?
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 My silly FWH forgot to delete a few messages on facebook. He left it open and I happened to look. Was there something in you that told you to take a look at things? Like, other suspicions?
firstandlast Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 That's very true, and I hear about cases like this often. Where the WS thinks he/she can just stop the affair and go back to his marriage with allswell, only to find out that the spouse discovers years later about the affair. I know someone IRL who discovered email accounts and internet activity that gave away the affair three years after it ended. That is also one reason why the affair should be confessed, so that the WS could start over without worry about what might be discovered later on. I can't imagine keeping that kind of secret from a spouse for years or for life. The spouse never knowing the real person, but only a fake façade, and not loving the real person, past warts and all. I've heard of affairs discovered after the WS is dead. Can you imagine being held captive in a marriage that is based on a lie, and never knowing the truth until the WS is dead? Or having your worst fears and your tarnished legacy (in the case of the WS) be brought out after your death? I would think people would not want to live like that, having this huge secret kept from the one you love, and knowing that every time your spouse looks at you with love, she is only seeing the fake façade, and that her love is not real because it is for someone who does not exist. Far better to come clean, confess and put it out there, and ask for forgiveness and rebuild based on honesty, than to live a lie the rest of your life. Assuming no confession, is it easier for the BS when the affair is discovered after the fact? The same? More difficult? 1
underwater2010 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 No....words were enough. It is not appropriate behavior to tell someone else good morning sweetie, what beautiful pics and/or talk about your marriage falling apart (hers). I gave him my ring back before I even found out the other details. I dug further and found out the rest. Then I called my best friend and asked her to take the kids while I sat and had a talk with my husband.
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 My silly FWH forgot to delete a few messages on facebook. He left it open and I happened to look. That got the ball rolling and the rest is history. Oh...he was a good boy and deleted all the pics and videos from his main email account, but sadly it was synced up with outlook and had not been refreshed for quite some time. This really calls to mind something that's been lingering in my conscience for a few days: my dear friend is a lot of things, but tech savvy he is not! Never underestimate a woman scorned. You can say that again.
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I suspect she knew but he says she didn't. Why did you suspect as much?
KathyM Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Assuming no confession, is it easier for the BS when the affair is discovered after the fact? The same? More difficult? I would think discovering an affair years later would be more difficult than discovering it during or shortly after, because the BS then realizes that not only was she betrayed, but the last *blank* years of her life were spent on someone she did not really know, and which was based on a lie of fidelity. 2
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I've heard of affairs discovered after the WS is dead. Indeed. Films have been based upon this concept. I would think people would not want to live like that, having this huge secret kept from the one you love But if the deceased loved both people...? Agreed: potential for stress all around.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Hey heart, good to hear from you, although not the circumstances. Is your question relating to yourself, xmm or both? Anyway........I still give you kudo's for walking away, I didn't know if you could do it or not, but you did. The fallout after is a real b*tch to deal with, as I so well know. I think it's harder to forgive ourselves than it is other people at times but at least I'm glad that I have a heart, you do also. I know it. Hello LG:) I've been looming every now and then but rarely log on and leave a post. I've moved on from XMM but am still friends with the BW who I believe suspected that something may have happened but never had tangible proof so she let it go. And now since so much time has passed and we are in the same group, we have managed to become very good friends but that seed was planted in her mind and I suspect lays dormant for now. In getting to know her over the last few years, she truly is a lovely woman and I wish I could spend the rest of my life making up to her what I did. She has now confided in me that she has caught him fishing around for another woman on FB . She also told me that she will never ever leave him because she doesn't want to break up the family. With this being said... I listen and feel so much remorse and let her vent whenever she wants. If I felt letting this monkey off my back would bring good or justice for what I have done, I would but it would only hurt her, their children, my children and the community and nothing would change. So, I carry this now WILD monkey on my back and only hope that XMM doesn't find another foolish woman such as myself to hurt her anymore.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Heart I truly don't know what advice to give you. I'm sure others will chime in on what you should do. I'm almost always an advocate for the wife should have the truth. So many bs's say that what they thought they would have done and what they did after finding about the ow is polar opposites. Your xmm's wife, might say she doesn't want to know, but upon finding out the truth, she might kick him out but then again I suppose it's plausible that she has her suspicions but she is telling you she doesn't want to know the rest of the story. There are some people who live in denial, I suppose. For you, whatever you decide to do about telling her or not, you need to move heart, get away from them. For your sake and their sake. Not looking for advice as much as insight as to what has happened to others. I let the chips fall where they may and will handle whatever comes at me if it ever does.
KathyM Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Hello LG:) I've been looming every now and then but rarely log on and leave a post. I've moved on from XMM but am still friends with the BW who I believe suspected that something may have happened but never had tangible proof so she let it go. And now since so much time has passed and we are in the same group, we have managed to become very good friends but that seed was planted in her mind and I suspect lays dormant for now. In getting to know her over the last few years, she truly is a lovely woman and I wish I could spend the rest of my life making up to her what I did. She has now confided in me that she has caught him fishing around for another woman on FB . She also told me that she will never ever leave him because she doesn't want to break up the family. With this being said... I listen and feel so much remorse and let her vent whenever she wants. If I felt letting this monkey off my back would bring good or justice for what I have done, I would but it would only hurt her, their children, my children and the community and nothing would change. So, I carry this now WILD monkey on my back and only hope that XMM doesn't find another foolish woman such as myself to hurt her anymore. He will continue on as long as people are willing to be silent. He already is trolling for his next OW on FB. If you really do want to try to make it up to this woman, you can start by giving her honesty. Giving her her life back. Giving her the ability to make choices over her own life based on the truth. How can you stand to look her in the face and enjoy her company while knowing what you did to her? If you really want to try to make it up to her, you will tell her the truth so that she will have her freedom back to decide for herself what she wants to do about the situation, and the freedom to be rid of this guy that is obviously a serial cheater. If you care about making it up to this woman, then give her her life back by telling her the truth. You are not doing her any favors by being a false friend to her. True friends do not lie and deceive their friends. This is like a double betrayal--her husband and her friend who both are holding all the cards and keeping the reality a secret from this woman. She doesn't need that kind of "friend". I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but who would want someone as a friend who went behind their back and ****ed their husband? You would be doing her a favor by giving her the truth, and then stepping out of her/their lives altogether. Presenting yourself as a true friend, when in fact you continue to deceive her, is only hurting her more. 2
MissBee Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) Question... Is there anyone here who had an A and ended it without a d-day or ever getting caught? If so, how long was the A and who ended it? I'm sure its possible but I imagine very rare and furthermore that they would be on LS. I was single so in some ways there was no one to "catch me" and I would't get in trouble with anyone. I didn't know her, we didn't work together, didn't even live in the same country, so there were minimal repercussions in that regard for me and no monkey on my back re: hiding. But there was no dday to my knowledge. If she found out or he admitted it (I doubt this one very much), I never heard about it. I initiated ending it and we continued "being friends" until he initiated NC. The A was about 3 years. Edited May 22, 2013 by MissBee
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