Ale khun Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) HI i want to share this post with everyone that like me , need to find a way to forgive and let go Its said that forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment sounds easy but how we really acomplish that? Since anger and resentment are damaging to your healt and can undermine your effectiviness with others , thenclearly the ability to forgive and let go of past hurts and dosappointments is a desirable goal. Lets be clear about what forviveness is and is not .Forgiveness is not necesarily forgetting what happend , thereby placing yourself again in a situation where you could be mistreated . It is certainly not about condoning behavior you find offensive or hurtful . Ii is the process of letting go of the enegy invested in past hurts or disappoiments so that you can free that energy for more productive growth oriented activities Fogiveness begins witha decision to do so, and it will take time and willingness to go through there are many emotions involved be it hurt, anger, depression the problem is when we get stuck in this process . dont think that you can only forgive when an apology is offered or amends made. When and how you forgive is totally up to you, forgiviness is a healing process that takes time and will edd and flow . Particulary if you have been hurt in a deep and profound way its likely that your journey toward forgiviness will proceed a series of steps that wont necessarily flow in linear progression . DENIAL Shortly after been hurt you may find that you attemp to minimize the impact or importance of what happened and you supress your feelings as part of denial SELF-BLAME Somehow you think you are responsable for what happend . If only you had done something different you could have avoided being hurt and all the shoulda coulda woulda takes place in our heads VICTIM After you stop blaming yourself you realize you did not deserve the hurt you received, that you were at best treated unfairly and at worst victimized , but this often leads to self-pity , its necesary to pass this stage but its vital not to become mired in it or you risk getting stuck in the victim role INDIGNATION , we tend to have a sense of righteous indignaion about what happened and anger towards those who hurt us SURVIVOR as anger begins to wane you will recognize that although you were hurt and did not deserve such pain , you survived . your painful past experience may have robbed you in many ways , but may also have bolstered your strenght and coping resources your obsession with your emotional pain begins to subside .You begin to recognize that you did the best that you could do in a difficult situation , as a result your self concept shifts from one victim to survivor INTEGRATION in this last stage when forgiveness has really begun to take hold you start to aknowledge that those who hurt you may have beenplaying out patterns of hurt or victimization from their own lives you realize that just as you are much more than a victim those who hurt you are more than just perpretrators , you begin to let go of the emotional energy involved,hate, anger , bitterness , grudges, etc . Here you are able to put your past in perspective ,without forgetting it, recognize lessons learned from your hurt and ultimately let go of unnecessary emotional baggage Sidney and Susan Simon , in their book Forgiveness : How tomake peace with your past and get on with your life Essential Elements for Effectiviness (interpersonal effectiveness section two) A Buddhist Prayer on Forgiveness "If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions I forgive myself." Edited May 22, 2013 by Ale khun 7
cdt76 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I've been studying this concept for 4 years now. I don't have any contact with those that hurt me. However, I still harbor enough anger to power a small city for a day. I've thought about forgiveness many times. I've prayed for the grace to do it and I keep coming back to the one question that has kept me mired in this state of survivor for so long. How do you forgive those who never ask for it? I know me. I've found who I am and what I am made of and if those people would ask for forgiveness, I could forgive them. But no one has ever asked. They took from me without regard for me or who I am. If they don't ask for nor believe they did anything wrong to be forgiven for, why should I grant them the serenity of forgivness? I don't use any energy holding on to any of this. I live a great life. I just haven't forgiven them.
Author Ale khun Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I think that the beautiful thing about this is that you live in peace and that you are not longer holding all that resentment and pain , if they dont ask for forgiveness thats their problem , probably they dont think they harm you in a way that they need to ask for your forgiveness ,( in my case im sure that he will never ask for my forgiveness but still I forgive him with all my heart )
cdt76 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I know it's what I need to do. I know it matters not that I haven't for them. I guess, it's one of those things where I can never accept that what they did was right, in anyway and that they don't deserve my forgiveness or kindness. I'd like to be able to do it. My dad always said "what's the harm if you do, and they don't know you do?" And he is right. They will never know I've done it. Just me. Putting it like that make me feel stupid for not having done it already. I think I'm close to making that leap.
SadPanda22 Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I really appreciate that you posted this. Thank you I am struggling to forgive my ex for the way that he behaved and the way that he treated me. It has been a little over a year since the breakup, and I am still harboring a lot of anger, resentment, and bitterness towards him. I guess I fall into the victim/indignation stage of the forgiveness process. I am going to have to keep rereading your post, maybe it will eventually change my thought process. Right now I am stuck. In my head I can't justify forgiving someone who doesn't acknowledge and take ownership of their actions and the impact these actions have had on others. I feel like it's letting them get away with what they did without them having to take any accountability for their behavior. I just don't know how to forgive a person who doesn't even have the decency to apologize for their awful treatment of others. Maybe I'll pick up a copy of the book you cited . I am tired of being a Bitter Betty I admire you for having the emotional maturity and strength to forgive your ex. Was it difficult for you to forgive him? What was the forgiveness process like for you if you don't mind sharing?
Author Ale khun Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Im happy that this long post it's helping others , but you know I don't have that maturity you said I'm probably fooling myself , sometimes I hate him so much and I cry and I cry until I'm finally sleep I hate him because he doesn't have any impediment to be with me , we live in the same country in the same state just 30min away he IS the only impediment he just doesn't want to be with me and I can't force him . I spoke to him the other day and he said "you are a good person I just can't give you what u want" and that hurt but not as much as the first time I really appreciate his honesty because I know that there's no way he's coming back , he doesn't miss me at all I know I can have a FWB relationship with him but I know that doing that I'm just going to open more the wound . In the other hand I have this great amazing guy who really really loves me and he doesn't have any doubt about it , it's just that now I'm to blind to see his true beauty but you know the hart wants what he wants most of the times he wants what he can't have . So at the end even when I'm pretty sure he thinks he didn't do nothing wrong and he didn't hurt me and he will never apologize for all this pain that I have I forgive him with all my heart , because despite all the anger and sadness that I have most of the days those feelings are making me stuck in the same place , but I also need to forgive myself for putting me through all that unnecessary pain
SadPanda22 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Im happy that this long post it's helping others , but you know I don't have that maturity you said I'm probably fooling myself , sometimes I hate him so much and I cry and I cry until I'm finally sleep I hate him because he doesn't have any impediment to be with me , we live in the same country in the same state just 30min away he IS the only impediment he just doesn't want to be with me and I can't force him . I spoke to him the other day and he said "you are a good person I just can't give you what u want" and that hurt but not as much as the first time I really appreciate his honesty because I know that there's no way he's coming back , he doesn't miss me at all I know I can have a FWB relationship with him but I know that doing that I'm just going to open more the wound . In the other hand I have this great amazing guy who really really loves me and he doesn't have any doubt about it , it's just that now I'm to blind to see his true beauty but you know the hart wants what he wants most of the times he wants what he can't have . So at the end even when I'm pretty sure he thinks he didn't do nothing wrong and he didn't hurt me and he will never apologize for all this pain that I have I forgive him with all my heart , because despite all the anger and sadness that I have most of the days those feelings are making me stuck in the same place , but I also need to forgive myself for putting me through all that unnecessary pain I am sorry that you are having a difficult time Definitely don't have a FWB relationship with your ex, that would be extremely unhealthy and prevent you from healing and moving on. I totally can relate to all the negative feelings making you feel stuck in the same place. If I could just let go of all this negativity I know that I would feel so much better. 1
Author Ale khun Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Hi SadPanda22 , thanks for your comment it made me feel that im not alone with this crazy feeling definitely I'm not going FBW with him , he don't deserve to be in my life anymore and I'm not a toy either . But I'm sure that one day we will laugh about all this unnecessary torment for now let's keep trying to be positive 1
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