She Wants to Keep Her Last Name...Dealbreaker?

[happydate]

In modern society, we have certain traditions we have to conform and they are taught in schools, work and in religious communities. These are traditions formed by human beings of the past, because in the past, these traditions are acceptable norms. You believe in them and you support them because when you were young like 4 to 5 years of age, you are programmed by your parents and on subsequent years by your relatives, schools and religious communities to shape you who you are today. So the traditions are NOT yours, but rather someone else's ideas and principles forced to you by them because they believe it's just and it is right. You had no say when you were young whether these traditions are right or wrong. You are a victim of these adults programming. They thought it was right to teach you, but some of you just now realized it may not be right.

 

Traditions are based on your code of value of who you belong to, group wise, rather than who you really are so some people may get offended if certain people may not mirror your expectations. This is why we date. We date to compare our expectations and our values and traditions. We have the right to write off people who don't fit our views and values. Except that, and have you wondered, is why the reason you are not happy in life is perhaps caused by the traditions you have been imposed and is operating in are the source of your own unhappiness. Your critical views of others who don't fit your mold is causing your unhappiness?

 

The movement of change be it ending segragation of colored people was in part the movement to quash the incorrect tradition that some people are better than others. The Hitler syndrome so to speak, so if one group don't conform to the norm, you squash it or you criticize it as much as you could. But this seldom works as you see modern movement brings about change and happiness to people who are willing to accept change and eventually get accepted.

 

Some of you can continue to be mired in traditions as long as you want. That's not the happiness you are seeking cause your spouse have the right to seek change. Divorce and breakups are the cause of one party unwilling to change and grow and continue to stick on tradition usually.

[Treasa]

You could use your last name as children's middle name.

 

No. I wouldn't like that. They can have their father's last name. That part doesn't mean that much to me.

[Treasa]

For professional reasons is another reason I will always keep my maiden name.

 

Ironically, it ties me to my father, who was abusive or else not present in my life. But my mom kept her married name for me even though she divorced my father when I was two, despite loving her maiden name, so to me now, it feels like doing it back for my mom. She doesn't care what my last name is. Her two initials together as they are give her a cute nickname. But my entire life, I have always been <my first name> <my last name> and I will always continue to be like that.

 

Having a sense of one's own identity has nothing to do with being a ballbuster. I'm constantly being told I'm one of the sweetest, most compassionate, yet most honest and upfront people anyone's ever met. I'm good with that combo.

[serial muse]

I would feel slighted if she didn't want to take my name. I would feel as if she is rejecting my family and who I am. I realize that there are feminists who feel as if a man's last name is a relic of old times of "ownership", but to me, this isn't even a patriarchal thing. It's just something that you do when you get married. I have no problem with what other people want to do with their marriage, but if I am investing time and energy into this thing, it is only fair that we do it the traditional way, especially if we divorce I will be the one who will be coming out with the most damage.

 

I understand that some people will feel this way - and I do think it's for that particular couple to decide. I'm not going to judge anyone either way, and I personally don't see taking someone else's name as a sign of ownership. I don't feel militant about this issue , but I object pretty strongly to the idea that NOT taking the name indicates a lack of respect. That's a whole lot of projection, in my view. You may feel that way, but that sure doesn't mean it's what the woman feels about it. See what I mean?

 

I just don't understand why her not taking a name is perceived as equivalent to a rejection of you, or of your family, or somehow a lack of full commitment to the marriage. I mean, I can understand having that emotional reaction, but I would hope at the same time that people would see how all of those things are a matter of perception, not fact. The woman's intent is very likely 180 degrees different from any of that, and shouldn't that matter too? Why assume the absolute worst about someone you want to marry??

[SJC2008]

It would be a deal breaker for me if she won't take my last name. The man is the head of the household and the leader of the family.

[Treasa]

Further, someday if you're both getting by on no sleep while raising a couple of toddlers or babies, and one of them just shoved poop into your laptop or phone's micro-USB port, I guarantee that the last thing you will be thinking is, "I'm really mad that my wife didn't take my last name."

[Treasa]

It would be a deal breaker for me if she won't take my last name. The man is the head of the household and the leader of the family.

 

So who's the lucky lady?

[Treasa]

I honestly don't know a single woman who would knuckle under from these threats of being kicked to the curb or dumped or whatever. It could be the quality of the company I keep, but most of the females I know would laugh hysterically and walk away from the guy, or not get involved with him to begin with, because there are likely other issues.

 

Actually, now that I think about it, most of them are happily married, as are their husbands. It's kind of crazy, but it's a total mutual respect thing.

[FitChick]

I recently read something that a lot more men are taking the wife's last name because it's a better / easier name to use. I work with someone whose name looks like Zxyczbtrypv! If I were his fiance and my name happened to be Smith, I'd stick with Smith. Who wants to go through the rest of their life having to spell that name every single time they spoke to someone on the phone?

[BluEyeL]

I honestly don't know a single woman who would knuckle under from these threats of being kicked to the curb or dumped or whatever. It could be the quality of the company I keep, but most of the females I know would laugh hysterically and walk away from the guy, or not get involved with him to begin with, because there are likely other issues.

Actually, now that I think about it, most of them are happily married, as are their husbands. It's kind of crazy, but it's a total mutual respect thing.

 

Yes, most likely other issues if he breaks up over this.

[Treasa]

Any guy who would get THAT pissy over me wanting to keep the name I want to keep is not someone who I want to be reproducing with. I mean, talk about trivial matters. If she doesn't want to change her last name, but you otherwise love her and want to marry her, let it GO. Chances are she'll have to let go of some trivial things as well.

[Treasa]

What makes me 'pissy' is that it's her EX's last name. What's the attachment?

 

As someone who was the child in this situation, I'm really glad my mom kept my father's last name. It made me feel less alone in the world.

 

My other answer to this is: If it's that big of a deal to you, I hope you have a LOT of options, because most women don't do what you want just because you have a penis.

 

Now, if a woman wants to change her last name to yours, great. But like I said, if she doesn't, I hope you have a lot of options, or are happy being single.

[serial muse]

What makes me 'pissy' is that it's her EX's last name. What's the attachment?

 

You've already discounted the possibility that she wants that connection to her kid. So I guess you'd have to ask her. That is, unless you prefer to assume all sorts of bad wicked things about someone you've never met. Assuming is the way of the Loveshack, I guess.

 

Ugh, people. It's like you're all looking for problems and things to be mad about. What, life isn't complicated enough?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm a traditional guy so I would expect my wife to change her last name to mine. Its hard to say whether it would be a dealbreaker because I seriously doubt I would ever consider marriage with the type who would balk at this tradition.

 

Just based on the few women I've met who have mentioned they wouldn't change their name I can see why one might consider them ballbusters.

 

I'm more of a "ball-purser."

[MidwestUSA]

I'm more of a "ball-purser."

I'd love to pick up the check, but I seem to have forgotten my, um, my, um, scrotum, LOL!

[Treasa]

I'm more of a "ball-purser."

 

I have a bigger set myself than pretty much any guy I know. Income, drive, ambition, talent, strength, integrity, and wisdom are not gender-specific.

 

If I ever have to depend on a guy to provide for me, then I'll consider doing something as a gesture for him. But honestly, I'd rather work three fast food jobs than live off someone else.

[Art_Critic]

Might as well keep your balls in her purse. Flame on!

 

That is not the case...if it was then in the reverse she would be losing something of herself then if she had to give up her name.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it, she has a child and that connection for some woman is a tough connection to break... older child or not.

 

The other issue is that you are ENFORCING your will on someone if you put the requirement of changing your name or it's the highway.

If you did enforce your will then what would you give up or would all decisions in the relationship be made by you and enforced with the my way or the highway rules ?

 

I will say though that many women keep their last name and move it to their middle name and take their husbands last name, that way they do both....to me that is a great compromise.

[Art_Critic]

What makes me 'pissy' is that it's her EX's last name. What's the attachment?

 

 

ahhh.. the child.. just blood....

[Treasa]

My mom and I have the same middle name. If I ever have a daughter, she's going to have the same middle name. That's why my maiden name will never become a middle name. Also, it would sound horrible as a middle name.

[clia]

What makes me 'pissy' is that it's her EX's last name. What's the attachment?

 

We don't have a whole lot of information in the original post, but from what is there, she is 38 years old and her kid is grown, so more than likely she has been using that name for close to 20 years, or most of her adult life. She may have established herself professionally with that name. That may be the attachment. Also, it is a huge PITA to change your name, especially at a more advanced point in your life. How would you feel about changing your name at 38 years old?

 

I'm actually really surprised by how many men think it is no big deal and automatically expected for a woman to change her name. Very few of my friends changed their names when they got married and their husbands didn't care at all. I wouldn't change mine, not only for professional reasons, but because my family name is important to me and a huge part of me. I actually can't even imagine taking a new name at this point in my life. It would feel like losing my identity.

[Treasa]

We don't have a whole lot of information in the original post, but from what is there, she is 38 years old and her kid is grown, so more than likely she has been using that name for close to 20 years, or most of her adult life. She may have established herself professionally with that name. That may be the attachment. Also, it is a huge PITA to change your name, especially at a more advanced point in your life. How would you feel about changing your name at 38 years old?

 

I'm actually really surprised by how many men think it is no big deal and automatically expected for a woman to change her name. Very few of my friends changed their names when they got married and their husbands didn't care at all. I wouldn't change mine, not only for professional reasons, but because my family name is important to me and a huge part of me. I actually can't even imagine taking a new name at this point in my life. It would feel like losing my identity.

 

What it SEEMS like is that most of the guys making a big deal out of it are the same guys who complain about not being able to find ANY girl at all.

[Treasa]

I don't buy it. This woman has no kids at home and wants to keep the EX's name? Sounds like she isn't over him.

 

I do have options, thanks.

I've seen this go down before, and the woman usually ditches the ex's last name and takes her maiden name. A short convo with the kids to explain how she is taking back her dad's name, just like they have their dad's name, seemed to worked pretty good.

New guy wasn't disrespected with having a wife with her ex's name. Wife returned to her real name, and the kids understood they'd keep their fathers name.

 

win-win-win

 

If you have options, and those options are fine with changing their last name to yours, you don't even have a dog in this. Why do you care so much?

 

I agree with Clia. My mom got "over" my father about 36 years ago, but she still has her married name. OMG. I don't think she's even talked to him in 25 years. And even then, it was just to tell him that if he ever touched me again, he'd be taking all future meals through an IV.

[Xinreeki]

What it SEEMS like is that most of the guys making a big deal out of it are the same guys who complain about not being able to find ANY girl at all.

 

Strange coincidence huh?

 

Maybe someone needs to do a study to see if there really is any correlation there.

[Pompeii]

I understand that some people will feel this way - and I do think it's for that particular couple to decide. I'm not going to judge anyone either way, and I personally don't see taking someone else's name as a sign of ownership. I don't feel militant about this issue , but I object pretty strongly to the idea that NOT taking the name indicates a lack of respect. That's a whole lot of projection, in my view. You may feel that way, but that sure doesn't mean it's what the woman feels about it. See what I mean?

 

I just don't understand why her not taking a name is perceived as equivalent to a rejection of you, or of your family, or somehow a lack of full commitment to the marriage. I mean, I can understand having that emotional reaction, but I would hope at the same time that people would see how all of those things are a matter of perception, not fact. The woman's intent is very likely 180 degrees different from any of that, and shouldn't that matter too? Why assume the absolute worst about someone you want to marry??

 

True, she may not see it that way but I certainly would. I would assume the worst about someone I want to marry because I know that human beings are flawed.

[Shepp]

You never really loved the girl if you'd "kick her to the curb" For not taking your name.

 

Why cant you just double barrel anyway?