Flashbacks and Mind Movies

[drifter777]

Don't forget the famous phrase:

 

'Forgiveness isn't meant to let 'them' off the hook; forgiveness is meant to let YOU off the hook.'

 

Read the book "How Can I Forgive You?" Forgiveness is not a gift for anyone. It's something that has to be earned by the offender. Without that the best you can hope for is acceptance.

 

Don't mean to bark at you but this is a very, very sore subject with me.

[TaraMaiden]

I would never deliberately offend anyone.

I'm sorry if it hit a nerve.

That wasn't my intention.

[NewSouth]

Drifter,

 

I would tell a client essentially what you said: be kind to yourself, take your time, and whatever you decide I will support you.

 

Yes, separate lives under the same roof. It's the separate life part I am just beginning to comprehend.

[NewSouth]

Blondie1

 

I am so sorry that you had to endure what I consider the ultimate traumatic experience. I admire your strength.

 

I am beginning to focus on what I gave up, and how I can work with what I have, including the painful memories and the current reality. This exchange of ideas today has been cathartic for me. I actually feel like I may be able to sleep tonight and face the future tomorrow with a bit of optimism.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom

[NewSouth]

Blondie1,

 

btw, your comment on anger and pain reminded me of a passage from a favorite book of mine. It was Claudia Black's "It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood"

 

It goes something like this: You cannot walk around or step over life's difficulties; you must pass through them.

 

We all wish we could just step over them.

[todreaminblue]

I found this forum yesterday as a result of my work as a counselor and something that happened to me over the last couple of weeks. I was probably triggered by something that came up in my work, but I am not sure what.

 

In any event, I had a flashback to an affair my wife had 40 years ago. I had not even thought of it in many years. However, the flashback was as vivid as if it happened yesterday, including racing heart and nausea. For about six days now I have not been able to get it out of my mind. I'm having the mind movies that I have seen discussed here. I found a post here where a man said the flashback came over him like a tsunami, and that was exactly the thought I had when it first came back. However, 40 years seems like a record for this happening.

 

I would like to hear other people's experiences with this phenomenon, and how have they coped with it. I definitely see it as long repressed unfinished business for me. I will be happy to flesh out the story as responses warrant.

 

I have not said anything about this to anyone. I don't see that raising the issue with my wife would accomplish anything at this point, but it may come to that.

 

I have flashbacks activated by trauma or if i hurt myself..not going into detail.......but i cant be touched while i have them...too intense......and when i have fallen...and someone touches me...it triggers a really bad reaction to the flashback.......fight or flight.......literally...i try to just look at them as pictures or a kaliedoscope....that will change and they cant hurt me now.....thats all i tell myself...cant touch me now dickhead memories......and i tell the memories off and ask people not too touch me.......flashbacks are just active memories.....but then as a counsellor you would know that...tsunami or not......they are not viable in the moment......they cant hurt you twice physically mentally emotionally you have dealt with them already....so dont let them try....eventually the duration of the flashback lessens..did you feel cold or smell anything...your wife's perfume?.........deb

[NewSouth]

Todreaminblue,

 

Very insightful and creative approach. A very good way to challenge negative thoughts/images. I did not feel cold. My heart was pounding and I felt nauseous, but no perfume. The mental images were simply painful and disgusting.

[Spark1111]

As someone who has successfully reconciled from infidelity 5 plus years, I say this gently....

 

Do not allow the 40-year old affair to become the dumping pool, catch-all for ALL that may ail you. It's too easy.

 

I realized for me, the trauma of the affair was actually an additional trigger for unresolved childhood issues. I had been to counseling for them, thought I had slayed those dragons, felt successful and moved on.

 

Come to learn I had not dug deep enough. like Blondie said, be ready to maybe get good and angry at yourself for not having found your voice in time.

[aliveagain]

NewSouth,

 

She should give you back the dignity she stole from you with her affair by giving you the truth. You deserve at least that for continuing to be there for her. Can you be sure that was her only affair? Once you've betrayed your spouse once it's easier they say to do it a second time. Just look at all the WW/WH that post in the other man, other women forum. They are actually happy that they love two people, they eat cake everyday, that's usually the case until they are discovered. All they have to do is look at the divorce/separation forums to see what their future is going to look like. I have had four women in my life cheat on me and the one comment you made about your wife tweaked in me an observation, everyone of them had health problems. Do you think that their immune system is reacting to what they truly know is wrong in their actions? NewSouth, ask for your dignity back.

[NewSouth]

Spark,

 

You are right, and the bulk of the anger I feel is at myself, and as Blondie said, what I gave up in the name of whatever. I am beginning to feel and see myself pursuing whatever I want. The affair is simply the standard bearer for pain and anger directed inward.

 

And for whatever reason, your input reminded me that yes, I, like many other men I know tried to blame myself for the affair. Too focused on career. Too argumentative etc. But those arguments don't hold water. Sure, I was far from perfect, but the behavior is inexcusable.

[NewSouth]

aliveagain

 

You may want to take a look at some of my longer posts of the day. No, I don't believe this was her only affair. It's the only one I have firm evidence of. Yes, it gets easier to cheat every time you do it.

 

When I believe that confrontation will benefit me I will do that, but I'm just not there yet.

 

Also, if you look at the previous posts, I made a damn bad choice in choosing her to begin with, and my mother tried to talk me out of it, but I didn't listen.

[Furious]

I would suggest you think about what is exactly you need to know from your wife and think about how you intend to handle the outcome of getting those answers.

 

I say this because getting the truth from her is not the end of this journey but only the beginning.

 

I think this is more about something in you, something you are searching for within yourself that's tied in with your wife's affair of many years ago.

[aliveagain]

Sorry,

 

I missed a page or two, the numbers are so small. Like your mother, both my parents tried to talk me out of marrying her, I should have listened. She had a threesome with two French dudes from Quebec in the first three months of our marriage(I didn't find out about them until later). She wanted time apart at just under two years of marriage, she was banging her boss and a pilot the first week in her new apartment which she signed a one year lease for, all the time I was led to believe that we would only be apart a few weeks or so, boy was I stupid. I just hope that anyone that reads this and still is young enough to have a mother, listen to her.

[NewSouth]

Furious,

 

You are right. This is about me more than her. I commented to Drifter that if I confront her at this stage of life I may get more information than I bargained for. That's why I will be damn sure there is something in it for me before I open that can of worms. I always tell people to ask any questions they want but be sure they can handle the answers.

[NewSouth]

aliveagain

 

Truth be known, I bet my mother did some quiet snooping and knew more about her high school activities than I did

[Furious]

Furious,

 

You are right. This is about me more than her. I commented to Drifter that if I confront her at this stage of life I may get more information than I bargained for. That's why I will be damn sure there is something in it for me before I open that can of worms. I always tell people to ask any questions they want but be sure they can handle the answers.

 

 

I think you're on the right track.

[dichotomy]

Don't forget the famous phrase:

 

'Forgiveness isn't meant to let 'them' off the hook; forgiveness is meant to let YOU off the hook.'

 

This is a foundation of many christian thinkers. The book "When forgiveness doesn't make sense" was along this line. A tough read, but "part of the deal" of my belief system. Damn hard stuff, forgiving unconditionally. Extending Grace is harder still.

Edited May 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[road]

The problem is that you never recovered your marriage. Instead you decided to accept your WW's rug sweeping. Rug sweeping never gets rid of the dirt.

 

No wound will heal unless it has been cleaned.

 

You are now upset with living a lie for 40 years.

 

You doubt the decisions you made regarding WW's affair.

 

A BH's gut is never wrong.

 

You need to face what happened.

 

You need to tell your WW about your triggering.

 

You need to DNA test your kids.

 

All these unknowns are what are causing you to trigger.

 

You no longer can ignore your need to know the truth.

 

Whatever the truth is about your WW's affair. It will never be as bad as you can imagine what went down 40 years ago.

[dichotomy]

Let me add that your story moved me.

 

many other smart posts to you here.

 

It sounds as though there is nothing to be gained by confronting your wife so many decades gone, and your relationship merely superficial. She would gain nothing either i suspect.

 

Many marriages are not even functional on a day to day basis. Sounds like yours was, even if devoid of passion and intimacy. She was a good mom. Perhaps you may be thankful for what you got (kids, home maker,etc)?

 

At this point you may wish to consider raising the issue to your one son. He has something to gain or loose here. Not sure. Would be traumatic. I hope he would have the test first before confronting his mom. I suspect you will get some flack from him no matter the results.

 

I must ask, what measure does your life hold outside of your marriage? Do you find peace or accomplishment or satisfaction in your many years, as a professional, or as a father, grandfather, man, or other things?

[TaraMaiden]

This is a foundation of many christian thinkers. The book "When forgiveness doesn't make sense" was along this line. A tough read, but "part of the deal" of my belief system. Damn hard stuff, forgiving unconditionally. Extending Grace is harder still.

 

I'm not a christian (was, a long time ago) but this was my point. As stated, it wasn't my intention to offend, though....

[NewSouth]

todreaminblue

 

I just wanted to share this morning that I actually did what you described in your post last night. It worked. I had to do it about three times, but the memory stopped trying. I was able to get a full nights sleep last night for the first time in over a week.

 

Thank you.

[NewSouth]

road,

 

All you listed are valid questions. Each one has to be carefully considered. Every decision we make and every action we take has consequences. The question becomes is the payoff or benefit worth the cost. I just don't have answers to a lot of the points you made right now.

[NewSouth]

Dichotomy,

 

Superb message. Very sound. I don't know what your experiences are but I thing you pretty well nailed it. Thank you for your insight; quite frankly it is very comforting. I'm going to respond to each point.

 

It sounds as though there is nothing to be gained by confronting your wife so many decades gone, and your relationship merely superficial. She would gain nothing either i suspect.

 

My thoughts exactly. I could inflict pain on her, and I would gain some temporary relief by seeing her hurt. But in the end it would really just harm what is a superficial but functional relationship.

 

Many marriages are not even functional on a day to day basis. Sounds like yours was, even if devoid of passion and intimacy. She was a good mom. Perhaps you may be thankful for what you got (kids, home maker,etc)?

 

The relationship (it is not a real marriage) has been very functional. Good kids, financially successful, and despite everything we are friends and enjoy doing things together. But when I look at her I feel nothing, and haven't for years. I don't wish any misfortune or pain on her, but I give everyone that benefit.

 

At this point you may wish to consider raising the issue to your one son. He has something to gain or loose here. Not sure. Would be traumatic. I hope he would have the test first before confronting his mom. I suspect you will get some flack from him no matter the results.

 

If there was a shred of truth in what I did learn about the affair, my son is my son. Supposedly the affair was over at least three months before conception. And you are right, I don't know if he could stand it.

 

I must ask, what measure does your life hold outside of your marriage? Do you find peace or accomplishment or satisfaction in your many years, as a professional, or as a father, grandfather, man, or other things?

 

Very crucial consideration. I found much pleasure in my career accomplishments, enjoyed being a father, and now I feel comfortable with my manhood. Obviously, that was not the case when the affair occurred, because I acted like a wimp, but my identity and confidence grew steadily over the years. I absolutely love what I do now, and in many ways am a classic "wounded healer." I really "get" what other people share with me.

 

Again, thank you for such an on-target post.

[NewSouth]

I wanted to provide a little update this morning. As I indicated I tried the technique that todreaminblue described, and it worked last night. I was able to get a full night's sleep and my thoughts are very clear this morning. I have a full day of work ahead.

 

I can now see that this whole experience has been building for several months; it did not just come out of the blue last Thursday when I had the flashback. I had been feeling a sense of discontent for awhile. I was enjoying work, but there was a sense of emptiness in general. Other than work, I was not taking part in any activities that I enjoy. In essence, I was slowly slipping into depression. Thankfully, I have never had an episode of depression. I'm beginning to think it may have been exposure to a depressed individual that was the actual final trigger. Perhaps, the sadness opened the door to let the little demon out.

 

Being rested, I am more optimistic that I can make changes in my life to be myself, and move forward. Looking back to yesterday, it is obvious as many of you probably know, there is an eerie truthful reality that is perceived through the lens of sadness and depression. I will just take it one day at a time.

[dichotomy]

 

Again, thank you for such an on-target post.

 

Its on target because - you and I share (some) things in common. Suffice to say I understand with much you have said on an emotional level.