New dumpee here !!

[rricardo35]

I was just blindsided by ex fiance. 2 yrs we lived together and she has 2 children (7 yr old twins). Even though they aren't mine, I lost my whole family in one shot. I've been reading these forums and it appears NC is thing I need most. Im moving out on Friday and I will give it a shot. Im hurting so much I can't even type my story......

[Leigh 87]

*hugs*

 

I am so very sorry to hear about this,

 

I too, have just lost my EX boyfriend whom I lived with for over two years, and four little dogs (two were MINE, 2 were his, and I loved them as my own)

 

It just plain sucks.

 

Only time will make the pain go away, you know that right?

 

I was shaking at first, it all felt so unreal.

 

I hated falling asleep ( my ex and I hugged very tightly every night in bed) and when I woke up, I felt like I was stuck in a living nightmare.

 

It is a very dark place to be.

 

Look, maybe you should see a therapist or psychologist, as they have a lot of experience in dealing with grief and loss. Make no mistake, the end of a big relationship CAN be akin to someone dying, in terms of the degree of pain you feel.

 

It just sucks.

 

That's all.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Welcome to short-term hell my friend. On this forum you will find MANY people just like yourself, most will give you outstanding advice to help you cope (Tara?)

 

Yes, NO CONTACT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!

 

i'm exactly ONE YEAR post break up from my ex (complete with kids- who I cared for/financed, and I'm JUST starting to realize I should have left long before she dumped me.

 

You WILL be ok.

 

It WILL take time.

 

And this is the BEST place you could have found to help your healing begin!

 

NO CONTACT! She and her children, finances, life etc... ARE NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM! You MUST UNDERSTAND THIS!

[Leigh 87]

At first it will be hard to just say to yourself " this is forever"

 

I mean at first there was no WAY that it would have helped me to say " okay he has just left an hour ago, I am never going to have sex with him again, I am never going to see him or my dogs again"

 

You DO need to chill a bit and take time to just process it and absorb the initial shock.

 

Do not let the no contact thing throw you off. Yes it is what you need, but please do not think about it too much in the next couple of ways.

 

It can be to severe to say the day that your dumped " this is forever".

 

...........

 

 

Now, regardless of why she left, you have to not think about second chances and getting her back. Whatever reason she left, you have to reat it like it IS final.

 

Read the No Contact guide by Tara Maiden.

 

No matter how close you were, or how much she loved you and even if she still says she loves you and that she might want to get back together - DO NOT live your life in the hope that this pain will be fixed by HER.

 

It is very likely she will not come back. Most people will give you false hope and say they miss you and are uncertain of what they want.. that is why eventually, in the next week or less, you need to cut her off totally. You will avoid false hope.

 

You MUST tell her " I am cutting you off so I Can move on. DO NOT. DO NOT contact me unless you are convinced that you want me back. DO NOT contact me if you miss me. DO NOT contact me if you want to hang out as "friends".

 

Goodbye.

 

Look, I know people that have moved on in 3 months; using No Contact.

 

Yes it would still sting and possibly make you cry if you bumped into her with another man, but 3 months is the average time it takes to generally move on and accept things have ended (from what I have heard in real life and online)

[rricardo35]

Yes thank you all. I am trying to look at the positive and I know one day I will feel better but when you give so much of your love and life and you just get bitch slapped into hell. I set at work and just burst into tears. I've been trying to get in to see a Dr but the ones I called aren't seeing new patients until Sept. I am mentally ok, I am just in a ton of pain.

I'm angry for wasting 2 yrs of my life.

I'm angry for getting emotionally involved with her kids. I don't have children myself so this was a nice life I had going.

I thought I loved her enough but it wasn't.

 

I am lucky I found a new place so I can get out quick because it hurts too much to see her. I just have to get through moving out and I have no idea how to say goodbye to the children.

[Leigh 87]

honey, I gave ALL My heart to my ex. I am still in shock over 2 weeks later.

 

He was literally everything to me.

 

It is a HUGE adjustment for us to make.

 

I do not regret my time with my ex though, as I really enjoyed my time with him.

 

I AM angry he ended that time for me though it seems fickle that a person who always claimed to love us so much could put us through this.....

 

For what it is worth though; they are probably pretty messed up too...

[rricardo35]

Yeah I few things to clear up with her over my move and then I don't have to speak to her again. It just seems so easy for her. I am know I shouldn't wonder if she will miss me when I am gone.

[Kay_29]

As someone mentioned before "welcome to short term Hell"... there correct key word SHORT TERM....... your going to go through the motions of denial, pain, you'll start to blame yourself the urg to call etc. its natural its very fresh so cry as much as you need to get the pain out your system, but don’t hold in your emotions or it'll be a longer process... NO CONTACT is your the best way to go, you need to purge yourself of her to heal.... time is everything don’t let her control your happiness and beat yourself up everything happens for a reason and some things are a blessing in disguise.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes thank you all. I am trying to look at the positive and I know one day I will feel better but when you give so much of your love and life and you just get bitch slapped into hell. I set at work and just burst into tears. I've been trying to get in to see a Dr but the ones I called aren't seeing new patients until Sept. I am mentally ok, I am just in a ton of pain.

I'm angry for wasting 2 yrs of my life.

I'm angry for getting emotionally involved with her kids. I don't have children myself so this was a nice life I had going.

I thought I loved her enough but it wasn't.

 

I am lucky I found a new place so I can get out quick because it hurts too much to see her. I just have to get through moving out and I have no idea how to say goodbye to the children.

Salve Ricardo, Tara here.

Others here have given you great support and counsel.

The No Contact Guide in my signature is the best place for you to begin. The first post is the Guide itself. The remainder of the thread makes for educational reading...

 

One thing I would say: These 2 years have NOT been a waste of time.

Some great things have happened, and you learnt the rudiments of parenthood. This in itself is worth its weight in gold. Not many gentlemen get the opportunity to be fathers to two non-biologicsl children and come away with good memories.

When you say goodbye to the little guys, don't be tempted to badmouth their mother. Just assure them you love them, and if they want to keep in touch, here's your email.

 

(I'm assuming they know how to use a PC... Most kids that age are more savy than adults!)

You're splitting from their mother. You're not abandoning them.

Try to convince their mother that they deserve continuity and as little disruption as possible.

 

When you're ready, tell us your story.

 

[rricardo35]

The NC guide is a great read. Every story I read gives me more inspiration.

 

Thanks for all the feedback.

 

It really helps when you can talk it out with others.

[BustedUpInside]

You're splitting from their mother. You're not abandoning them.

Try to convince their mother that they deserve continuity and as little disruption as possible.

 

When you're ready, tell us your story.

 

 

While I totally agree that children really deserve to not have their lives disrupted, my advice is that you should do a clean break. I think it would be worse for them and you in the long run to keep in contact, especially if their mother was to get a new boyfriend at some point. I think that you deserve to just live for yourself for awhile. Do the things that a single man can do without the responsibilities of a ready-made family weighing you down.

 

I would love to hear your story when you are ready

[rricardo35]

I've been thinking hard about my story alot.

We had a very loving relationship. We have the children 50% of the time.

During our time without them, we would always be doing something together.

When we had the kids, we did lots with them. Disney World once a month,

Universal etc. (Perks of living in Florida). Twins take a lot of time though.

We never fought. I think we lost a little romance in all of this because we

started fast. It was like that instant connection. I was that main provider

and we had very comfortable home life. I always left her love notes, sent her

flowers. I've had some times where I came home from a bad day at work

and wasn't in the best of moods. I think she changed her view of me somehow.

I was reluctant in the beginning to date her because of the children. You have to be really committed because their are several hearts at stake. She loves me still but only as a "dear special friend" was her words. Ouch ouch ouch.

[aisuru]

Yes thank you all. I am trying to look at the positive and I know one day I will feel better but when you give so much of your love and life and you just get bitch slapped into hell. I set at work and just burst into tears. I've been trying to get in to see a Dr but the ones I called aren't seeing new patients until Sept. I am mentally ok, I am just in a ton of pain.

I'm angry for wasting 2 yrs of my life.

I'm angry for getting emotionally involved with her kids. I don't have children myself so this was a nice life I had going.

I thought I loved her enough but it wasn't.

 

I am lucky I found a new place so I can get out quick because it hurts too much to see her. I just have to get through moving out and I have no idea how to say goodbye to the children.

 

Check your employer's EAP (Employee Assistance Program).

 

Most employers have them and it provides an employee with a referral for a few free counseling sessions, which you can then continue on your own. It's an anonymouse program and your employer will not know that you used their counseling sessions.

 

Check your medical coverage for reimbursement on therapy as well. Most employer sponsored plans only cover a limited number of sessions, but it's better than nothing.

 

Your emotional and mental health is something to be taken seriously in a situation like this.

 

Best of luck to you. You will make it through in one piece, but it will take awhile.

[rricardo35]

Question on NC. Why does the person who dumps you want to remain friends ? Why do they want you in their life ? Is it so they feel less guilty ?

[Hockeyguy19]

Question on NC. Why does the person who dumps you want to remain friends ? Why do they want you in their life ? Is it so they feel less guilty ?

 

Bingo, that's their game.

[TaraMaiden]

Question on NC. Why does the person who dumps you want to remain friends ? Why do they want you in their life ? Is it so they feel less guilty ?

 

Yeah.

Check the NC guide. It's explained in there.....

 

[rricardo35]

I have one more day until I move out of our home together. It is killing me seeing her and being around her. I told her once I am out that I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore. She says she doesn't understand that but will accept it. These next 2 days are going to be the toughest. The fact that I am leaving and I will never see her again, hold her again or be kissed by her again.

[Leigh 87]

The hardest part is the "lets be friends" part.

 

I don't know why my ex was under that impression (that we could be good friends). Is it cos he also only sees me as a dear friend he loves? Ugh.

 

Whatever hey. That is why it is best to never talk to them again. If they only love us as a friend, there are others who will love us in the was that we love them.

[rricardo35]

Well tomorrow morning I move out. Its the big step. With my feelings, I have my strong moments but the mornings are the hardest. I think she is hurting also or just the fact she is hurting me. I need to stop worrying about what she thinks. You always hear fight for the one you love but how ? You can't make someone love you.

[TaraMaiden]

I've said this before, a ton of times: Make every effort to differentiate between 'Emotional' challenges, and 'Practical' ones.

 

Do not use emotions to make decisions on matters which demand a practical response.

 

Try to keep your emotions in check, and tell her that it is very important to you that unless the kids are on fire, you don't want to hear from her at all.

The only point of any contact, would be for her to tell you she wants to try again.

If she cannot see that happening - either currently, or down the line, could she at least summon up enough respect for you to abide by your request?

 

Thanks.

 

And leave it at that....

 

In this way, if she DOES get in touch, you already know it will be breadcrumbs.

Unless of course, she does want to try again, or the kids are on fire.....

 

But any attempts on her part to negotiate a reconciliation, must be backed up by ACTION on her part.

 

A very real, evident and tangible action that indicates, undeniably, that she sees this needs hands-on work and dedication......

[rricardo35]

I don't think it is anyone else because we are together 24/7. There aren't any secret txt's or emails. We have a shared cellphone account so I see all the records and no all the numbers. If there is another person, at least I would know more than I do now.

[rricardo35]

Well she told me she want to be alone. I guess she doesn't see us together in the future. We never fought but I would be stressed out at times and maybe that made her uneasy. We had lots of family time and together time. I thought maybe someone at work but her office is two blocks from mine and we meet for lunch everyday. There isn't anytime from us apart to fit someone in. I wish it would be someone else so all those made more sense. She eludes to wanting space and I believe thinks we are going to see each other but I told her once I am out we won't ever talk again unless its an emergency. On the positive side she and the children are no longer my financial burden.

[rricardo35]

Doesn't add up unless she just fell out of love with me. You know the old

"I love you, but I am not in love with you" line. No sense in chasing a reason. The cold hard facts are "she doesn't want me anymore". I have to accept that.

[rricardo35]

Wanted to add a update to my story. I was out the door not even a week ago and she stopped me and wanted us to stay together. Fiance of 2 yrs this is. So I did and now I am once again moving out this Friday. I really don't know what to say or how to explain it. I've never been with someone who was so unemotional. I am glad I did what I did because now after everything I have read here and just see she isn't the one. She never was. I will be out on Friday and then I can do the full NC but until then I am just limiting it. I understand now how selfish she really is. I hate the face I lost my family but the children aren't mine. They deserve better than this and have no idea what is happening. I hurt more for them than her. Anyway it still hard to even type this and keep thoughts straight. I have my ups and downs like everyone heartbroken. I always put my heart out there regardless of the consequences. She broke it but it will mend and be stronger another day.

[Hopeinme]

I can imagine how that feels. I could not believe he wanted to break up with me as well, i was on sleeping pills and tranquilisers for a month. It still sucks but i assure you, it DOES get better. Chins up, you will be okie