aurora19 Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been on and off for four years now. We had our biggest break over 5 months ago when he found himself a new girlfriend. It only lasted three months b/f he came back to me and now we have been back together for 2 months. Our relationship is better than ever!! We both had a lot of past problems, but now we have grown up considerably and learned a lot from being apart and being with other people. It made us realize we really do love each other and now we appreciate one another so much! This is the healthiest and happiest we have EVER been! Only one minor flaw: the sex! When he and I first got together we were pretty young and unexperienced, we had an exciting and VERY active sex life. After a few months things calmed down and he felt we were being disrespectful about sex (that it wasn't special and that I put too much emphasis on it), so sex became weird. it took about a year or so of trying to deal with it, b/f I strayed. I could not bear it anymore, I felt unattractive and unwanted. He always brought up other girls and he was addicted to porn (and very embarrassed about it when I found his tapes and mags). He could look at all these things and fantasize about other women but he would never have sex with me! He thought I was too sexual! He was always a very loving and romantic boyfriend, but I was young, curious and had my needs! I cheated, a lot! I knew I loved him, but he made me feel terrible about my physical self and other men would beg just to be near me. I know it was stupid and wrong to go for that, but I was very insecure and unknowing. I also found out he had cheated on me, but he did it for spite when he found out about my flings. So anyway time passes and we grow up and away from silly self-destructive behaviors. i found myself confident in myself and never willing to degrade myself for causal sex. We come back together and we communicate and the relationship is fabulous and at first the sex is fantastic....but, now only two months later I am finding myself very frustrated! We never fight about anything, but sex. I am lucky if he wants to do it once a week and I always have to initiate it. I am a very sexually charged person and that bugs him. He makes a million excuses like he is stressed (trying to start up a business), he is tired, it's degrading to the relationship, that we need to focus on other things, etc. He only seems to want it when his drunk and I of course always give it to him, but I have to beg without success! i do not want to beg, I feel unattractive and unwanted once again. I love and respect him and myself to much to even think about cheating, but masturbation just doesn't do it for me and talking about it makes him angry. He swears he loves me and is very attracted to me and believes it should not affect our relationship, but it is! I usually brush it off b/c he always buys me gifts and sends me flowers with sweet notes like "your the most beautiful women I know" and he always tells me how pretty he thinks i am and he says it so sincerely, so I try to shrug it off as not important. Ok, so I have the most wonderful man, love and relationship in the world except for one little problem that threatens to be a bigger problem. Should I overlook it, get a vibrator...what? I know I can stick by him and be strong for now, but I always have very tempting offers by past lovers that someday may break me!!! Help!
knight56 Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Its not cheating if he does not know or you wont tell. What he cant see wont hurt him lol Iam so bad right..sorry
Author aurora19 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 it's perfectly alright knight, i feel the same way sometimes....well i used to believe that 100%, but.....i could never hurt him and i know he would NEVER do that to me....it's so hard though. isn't that supposed to be the fun part of the relationship?!
shortbus74 Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 unless your a fantastic liar... do not cheat....invest in a jack rabbit...............
humph.. Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 It's "degrading" to the relationship?! Is he serious? Can i have a wild guess at what's going on here? It seems to me like your bf has a problem with you being a sexual person...as in, he sees you as this "beautiful woman" that he thinks is very pretty and very nice but when it comes to seeing you as a sexually charged vixen want to have wild crazy sex with him- perhaps he feels the lines become blurred between sexually desiring you and seeing you as being "dirty". Theres a name for this the maddonna/whore complex. I think your boyfriend is suffering from a serious case of this. Im not saying you wanting sex is dirty- not at all! its a normal human urge to want a sexual release, especially with your loved one. But i think HE sees you as this princess on a pedestal perhaps, who he feels he is reducing to a sexual object by having wild sex with you- hence the porn- which is purely a sexual release for him. Sex isn't meant to drive people apart, if done for the right reasons it's meant to bring people closer together. I think your boyfriend has a serious issue with HIS sexuality- the way HE sees you. Im sure it isnt because you are unattractive...he has issues about sex and the way he sees you as a sexual woman, by him saying it DEGRADES the relationship..that's just twisted. ....just a theory!!
Author aurora19 Posted October 5, 2004 Author Posted October 5, 2004 thanks humph... it's nice to hear that i am not the only one who thinks he has a problem with his sexuality. i can't really say that i understand where it's coming from, he has given me little insight on that. he did however, grow up with a pretty conservative father who is quite religious. my boyfriend himself has struggled with his understanding and relationship with god. he believes one thing, but often contradicts himself (very much so like his "separated" parents). sometimes he says it's a "slap in the face to god" b/c we are not married, but than it's ok for him to demand i have sex with him when he wants (and dirty sex) and to excuse his obsession with women. he's embarrassed of it and yet still continues on. he is pretty much ok with things until i ask him for sex or even suggest watching porn with him to make the situation more comfortable for both of us. it is then that he brings up god and being respectful, mind you he has not been to church in months and wants to move in with me and that's ok! i'm confused. the other day when we were having sex he kept his eyes closed and he said he does it to concentrate b/c it just doesn't feel that great, that it numbs him after awhile. well that was hurtful enough, feeling like now i was a "pity ****" and not satisfying in bed, but i really believe he also pictures other women. i myself am beginning to be bored with our sex life, i fake a lot! but i want us to work on it, instead of him just doing it for the sake of shutting me up! i have been well complemented in bed and i know i am not lousy, maybe he is bored regardless. damn i yearn to cheat more than ever! i do love him and he offers me everything else i could ever want, but the sex! is that a price i have to pay for a fantastic boyfriend, the lousy sex! guess you can't have it all! i want to get a dildo, but i am afraid that might offend him!
seahorse Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Hi aurora, It sounds to me like your bf is one very confused man. His hangups (and they are all his hangups, make no mistake; at least YOU are sure of your sexuality and of what you want) are varied and many. It seems obvious that a lot of this stems from his upbringing. Parents eh??? Who'd have 'em??? He badly needs to go and get some counselling. Of course he's not going to want to go, and may not even admit that he has a problem. Bring up the subject gently and make the appointment for both of you together. Please don't think that any of this is your fault. In the old days, women weren't supposed to be sexual beings. We were assumed to lay back and think of our country, lol. Of course that's a whole lot of bullsh*t, and women are standing up and looking for a whole lot more on the bedroom front than ever before. Short term, if you really want to stick with him, invest in a toy of some sort. Vibe or dildo, they both work well, (speaking as one who knows), and if he doesn't like it, ask him if he'd prefer you to find another bf instead. Longterm; well sweetheart, if the counselling doesn't go well, or he won't hear of it, then I'm afraid it's up to you whether you can stand to live the way you are now. You have many years as a sexual being ahead of you, and while you may think you can stand to be frustrated atm, how will you feel in a year's time; two year's time?? Don't let this all end in a few years with you feeling older, embittered and very very frustrated.
humph.. Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 It sounds like your boyfriend is very, very, very confused and is struggling with his faith and where his sexuality fits into the picture. I don't think this is something he is going to get over unless he works on it through counselling or perhaps addressing the problem. If he has an issue with religion/god/sex, then perhaps he shouldn't be behaving in a hypocritical fashion- telling you it's wrong when you want it, but demanding it when he sees fit. It's degrading to YOU when he does that. If he isn't ready for a physical relationship because of his religious issues, i think you should tell him you dont want to sleep with him until he resolves these problems- and you dont want him looking at porn either. Im not saying looking at porn is wrong, it can be a healthy curiousity, but considering he is having such major issues regarding sex, i think he needs to stop all sexual activity in his life until he can figure out what exactly he is feeling and what exactly he wants to do about it.
Author aurora19 Posted October 6, 2004 Author Posted October 6, 2004 thanks again humph and seahorse.... it has really begun to seep in that this problem isn't just a little one and that it is NOT healthy and normal. i was questioning that a lot and now that i reached out to this forum and found helpful, truthful and common advice, i know now it isn't all in my head and it is indeed a problem. i really despise this feeling and that this has become a problem in our otherwise wonderful relationship. he thinks i am wrong in thinking something like sex should affect our relationship, i think how can it not! when i have to sit and wonder when i will get laid next or was i being too pushy or am i making a big deal about nothing or maybe that i am the problem b/c i want it too much.....it becomes a sad problem. especially when we are so young (i'm 24, he's 25) and so new to the relationship again. i can see that it is different as opposed to when we were first together 4 years ago, we are more adults with adult stresses that put sex on the back burner, but that doesn't even seem to the problem. it is in fact his confusion with his sexuality. counseling, hum, i would love that....but, i fear that will not happen. he will argue with me, he will feel offended, he will think i am making a big deal out of nothing. we will fight about it and then forget about it. i can not stand that this is even an issue! i love him so much and things are so awesome, but it feels like i am with a really great guy friend, not a lover. granted he is VERY affectionate, but......still feels like a friend. i mean i want him to grab me and make passionate love to me and i want us to pull over the side of the road and go nuts or damn just have some excitement in our plain old bed for god's sake! i am a very sexual and passionate young women and i hate that i have to think about my experiences with past lovers to keep me sane and to remember i had a lot of that once and maybe that's all i need. i do not want to feel like that. i certainly do not want to be that pathetic women in the erotic store picking up lick-able choclate or wrap myself in Saran wrap (think kathy bates) just to get him interested! when i stand in front of him buck ass naked i want him to want me, not talk about how we should do the wash this weekend! i can understand losing some of the passion 20 years into your marriage, but two months into a rekindled romance! and i wish that was the only problem, b/c even when we do have sex he makes me feel guilty, bad and dirty. he makes it feel like a chore or a pity thing. the worst part of it is feeling so undesirable! i am not fat by any means, but i have now begun working out like a freak and dieting, tanning and trying to buy newer, sexier clothes and doing things with my hair and nails and although my attitude and overall feeling about myself has gotten better, he still finds a way to make me feel like i am nothing special. i find that i am flirting more with other guys and looking for their attention again! i do not want to be that girl again, i want my boyfriend to make me feel like the sexiest women in the world without guilt!! this man is the one that i have finally become happy and settled in the feeling that he is it, the man i will marry and have babies with......well that isn't even entirely true. there is one guy that i see that with, but he is away at college and has a lot of issues to deal with it. so after four years and finally seemingly getting it right with my b-friend, realizing what a wonderful man he is, i have myself convinced i am making the right choice by spending the rest of life with him. is sex, is this other guy all just a sign of it being wrong? how can you love someone so much, but still feel like the just aren't it! how do you let go of someone you love so much and is it worth it to give up true passion and possible true love for something so safe? maybe i am the confused one, maybe there is more here than i thought.
seahorse Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Hi again, Listen; if you are confused now, it is nothing more than a reaction to his behaviour. He is making you doubt yourself. Read this carefully: You are normal. You are in the prime of your life and you have a healthy sex drive. Your bf is the one with issues regarding his sexuality and it's connections with religion etc. He is in need of support, preferably professional, with these problems. Instead of trying to convince him just on your say so...and because it's YOUR relationship that this is causing problems with...he needs to see that other people are of the same accord as you. You will probably throw up your hands in horror at this idea, but I think you need to show him this thread. Feel free to edit what he sees, possibly the last paragraph or so of your last post where you make references to the other boy in college, but the main issues...he needs to see what your heart is saying. He needs to read how you are really feeling. These issues are NOT going to go away. Be brave.
Walker Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 aurora19 Im new to the site and I joined for the same reason as urs. I to was in a relationship for 4yrs on and off and we had our problems in the sex area. Im sorry to hear that ur going through the same issues. We just recently broke up because of it. I tried every resource to make it work and it just didnt get any better. Everything else was great except when it came to that. I still dont know what else I or U could try. I finally got her to sit down and talk to me without getting upset and angry and I asked her with all my heart to go and talk to someone like a doctor and be totally honest about our problem. If there was something that could have been done I wanted her to show me that her love for me was true and go. But if there was nothing they could do to help I was going to except it and be happy because she would of at least showed me that she cared to try for me. She never went because she didnt think she had to change or prove anything and that kinda hurt. Im sorry I cant help u but I want u to know ur not alone out there. Atleast u know someone is suffering with u. Im having a tough time with the break up but I think it is for the best. Well after I get over it I guess. I just wish it wouldnt of lasted for 4yrs. Dont beat urself up and dont cheat unless u think u have to. Truely Im going to tell u to just let him go and move on someday u will be happier. That is my opinion because of my situation. But if u really love him and dont want to live without him ur gonna have to accept it. Good Luck
cateinaus Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Darling, move on, find someone who is a match with you and not making you to feel guilty, dirty and worthless. If you stay with him, you are going to cheat right?! It's either that or leave really isn't it. Are the other parts of the relationship that fantastic that it out weighs how he makes you feel as a woman/person. I think not, if you are honest with yourself, you know that you can find the good qualities in someone else AND feel good about sex. What a bonus! Most of all.......don't cheat yourself......
Author aurora19 Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 hey everyone, thanks so much for your helpful advice, i can not express to you enough how valuable it is to have this site to go to. [color=blue]seahorse[/color], thanks again. i actually have thought about showing him this post. i really do not think he gets how much this is affecting US. i am terribly afraid of hurting his feelings though, i know he would not appreciate me going on some web site and discussing with "strangers" our problems, but maybe it will actually wake him up a little and see that it really is hurtful to me and the relationship. [color=red][/color]Walker, [color=black][/color]thank you for sharing your situation with me, it helps to know i am not the only one and that it is not a bad or selfish thing to ask them to get help! it makes me more motivated than before to seek professinol help. i am so sorry for your loss, but i admire you for being so strong and sticking to your guns. it is true that it causes more misery than it should, a relationship is supposed to be about a healthy sex life as well and when you do not have that, it really takes its toll on the relationship and makes every good thing almost seem not worth it. i am not by any means saying it is the most important thing, but when something so "normal" becomes a problem it defintley drives a wall between you. you will get through this, easier said than done, but i envy you for being so strong, hold onto that strength it will make you a happier person overall in the end. [color=green]cateinaus[/color][color=black][/color] thank you as well. yes, i know in a sense i could move on and be happier with someone else. yet, well i still can not imagine life without him. yes, he has moments (in our sex life) where he makes me feel like ****, but overall he makes me feel on top of the world. maybe i should learn that sex does not have to be such a big issue and yet i do want him to get help and i want it to improve. i feel like i love him enough that i would rather try to work it out with him like Walker and if he refuses than, well than i am going to have to consider leaving him, b/c like Walker said if he cares he will try to work it out! Thanks to you all! I will be sitting down with him and talking to him seriously about this issue this weekend. i will be suggesting counciling and probably showing him pieces of this post. Wish me luck!
Walker Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Let us know how the talk goes. We all want the best for u but make sure u think of the good and the bad so ur ready for either. Best of luck
UnicornGirl Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 in my opinion, a guy that says sex is degrading to the relationship has some serious problems that you probably can't help him with.
Author aurora19 Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 Hey guys, I have great news! So I finally sat down with him this weekend and tried to really talk honestly and seriously about the matter with him. He was a little uncomfortable at first, but he listened to me and made assurances once again. Then as he proceeded to brush it off, I handed him a copy of the post. I had never seem him so surprised. He read it very intently with little to say and then he broke down. I have never seen him so emotional, he told me he really had no clue that it affected me that much! He was embarrassed, hurt and a little angry, but once we read back over it again and picked every last piece apart, he seemed to calm down and really start to get it. He explained himself as being raised to believe women were sacred and that sex before marriage, sex with lust was a sin. He said he struggled with it b/c he was never able to keep himself from having sex and believed somehow he was dirty and bad. He said that when he was with me and wanted me sexually he felt he was making me a bad person, a sinful person. He said he was confused b/c he loved me so purely and loved making love with me, but struggled with the guilt his father had taught him. Thus he said he would try not to have sex with me, or make it seem wrong out of his own guilt and that when he closed his eyes in bed he was almost trying not to think dirty thoughts about me. He had become so accoustomed to seeing sex as wrong and dirty that he hated that the women he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with was associated with something he thought was bad. He saw it as disrespectful to me and felt it "degraded" the innonce of what love was supposed to be. The porn was his release, he felt it would keep him from wanting me in lustful ways. But, felt guilty for that as well and hated offending me. I told him that as the women he loves we should enjoy the love making, that it is a good thing and healthy. That it's ok to think of me in dirty ways, just let me know what he wants, what makes him uncomfortable, what's his healthy fantasies and we will work with it. I suggested counciling and he agreed, but said we should attempt to deal with it ourselves first now that it was out in the open and if it did not get better or reverted back to the same old thing, then he would be the first to call someone. He said he never wanted to hurt me and knowing that he thought he was being respectful, only to realize he was being insensitive was a shock to him. He said we need to have open communication and spend lots of time with exploring sex and getting comfortable with everything (not a problem for me)! Well so far, so good. We have had amazing sex and it makes me feel such much more in love with him, he is extra sensitive and attentive and romantic. We even looked at rings this weekend and he is in the processing of slowly moving things in. We are very happy and feel better than ever. it's strange, but the weight feels lifted and we both feel so good about life, ourselves and our relationship. He realizes those silly thoughts his father put in his head, are no longer an excuse to affect HIS love life and he sees that it did not work for his parents so why should he follow their lead. Now of course I realize it has only been a few days, but I feel really good about everything. Thanks again everyone for everything, you are all amazing folks and I wish you all the best. I'll keep you all updated! Wish me luck!
greenlove Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Sounds he's like a real amazing guy....between you and me Keep him
Author aurora19 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 He is an amazing man greenlove, but it is still a struggle. We have our little bumps here and there, but we immediately communicate about it and try to work at it. He has agreed at this point to seek some councling, he feels he still is not rid of the guilt factor and he needs to work on that for the sake of our relationship and his own well-being. It is HARD, but I realize that I really love him and respect that he loves me enough that he is trying so hard to make things better. We are very happy and in love and we realize all couples have their problems, it's a matter of working on them. If you really love someone and they are a wonderful human being you love them for all their flaws and you learn to put away your self-absorbed thoughts and help them work on the things that hurt the relationship. He has done it for me and now it is my time for him. No I am not 100% sure that we will ever have a completely normal sex life or that we will even last forever, but I know for right now that I love him very much, I want to be with him and I want to help him heal...if it does not work out at least I tried and I will take from it a lesson, a love I adored and the feeling that I may of helped him out somehow to ease his mind.
seahorse Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 :) <--------goes whistling down the street, wondering if she should consider a career in relationship advice. Lol. Seriously though, I'm so glad you showed him the post; it certainly seems to have been a catalyst for some serious relationship examination. I said it was his upbringing causing the problem didn't I???? Anyway Aurora, I'm so glad you were brave enough to go the extra mile for your man; you obviously love him very much, as he must do you, to consider getting help. Good luck to both of you.
shellso Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 It's my first time posting on this site but my boyfriend and I are having the exact same problem!!!! I've been feeling so neglected and ugly. When we got together I was modeling and then I gained a few pound here and there after I quit (he didn't really approve of me modeling and thought it would lead to porn and what not). Anyways I tend to get really down because when I was really thin we had wonderfull sex and nothing could keep us apart. A year and 20lbs later it's like he'd rather do anything else in the world besides get frisky. I'd put on new sexy outfits and surprise him but nothing! I've noticed myself flirting with other men lately. Men who would love to have the chance with me. and I've even thought of how much fun it could be. But before these thoughts enterd my mind our sex life has literaly died. We used to be wild and passionate not to long ago and now he just lies there bairly even moving(which grosses me out) It's horrible and he's only interested when he's been drinking. I also noticed his infatuations. Sometimes I cry about it. It's only sex but when you don't even feel like you're desired it tends to really hurt inside. There's more to the story but I'm running out of time.
Author aurora19 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 shellso, i am very sorry to hear you are in the same situation that i was in. i can relate completely to your feelings! they are very degrading to one's self-esteem and can cause you to think horrible thoughts not only about yourself, but the other person as well. DON'T let it defeat you, do not allow yourself to feel that low that you convince yourself that you are ugly or gross! just b/c you gained some weight should not change how he feels about you, if you are happy with you than embrace all that you are and show him that you feel sexy no matter what. he is making you feel disgusting, in turn you believe it and it doesn't benefit either one of you. if it has begun to affect how you feel about yourself, go workout, get a new do, do something for you that makes you feel better about yourself, if he can't appreciate you, than at least you can and with that improvement he will start to notice other men taking notice and realize he should not take you for granted. i was also in your situation concerning the weight gain, not much, but enough that i did notice a difference in the bedroom as well. it had me consumed and made me feel like ****!!! i felt he was looking at me like i was a pig! i found later of course that it relates to so many other things that were going on in HIS head, it really had nothing to do with any weight gain, so you need to really talk to him about it, have you? there may be another problem here. if it happens to be the weight gain that i have to say dear what a **** head! yes, it's normal after awhile for the passion to die down or you can get bored, but by all means if you really LOVE each other learn to change it and work on it! on another note, working out is fantastic! let me tell you in the last few weeks i have stuck to it and no matter how active or not active the sex life is i know it is NOT about me being unattractive! curves or not working out makes you feel so much better about yourself so that someone's supposed lack of attention to your physical self does not matter, you feel faboo regardless! you learn that it's about YOU making YOU feel beautiful, not some man's hands on you in bed! let me tell you also from experience, other men's attention, cheating is a temporary high and ego boost. in the end you feel even more disgusting! fantasizing is MUCH better! TALK about it with him! Best thing I could of done was show him this post and talk about it and keep talking about it! No we are not tearing each other's clothes off, but it has gotten better and the most important thing of all is that I feel better about myself! Talk about it, find out the problem and as hard as it may be to face, if you really love him, work on it! if he doesn't talk about it or work on it or for that matter has some really lame excuse for his behavior than you need to really look at your relationship and see if it's worth losing your self-worth. good luck!
shellso Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Thanks Aurora! Your right about the working out thing! I always feel a ton better after I do something thats good for me. I think cheating is a self distructive obsticle people take when they are to afraid to leave the person they are with and move on. And it would make me feel like **** inside. I'm going to try to have a little chat with him tonight to try to figure it all out.
Author aurora19 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 Good luck on your chat shellso, let me know how it goes. Remember be COMPLETELY honest with him and make sure he knows just how much this is hurting you and the relationship. Be open to everything he says, like I said if you guys love each other enough you will work on it together.
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