Pompeii Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I was talking to a friend of mine today who sleeps around with various women. We're only halfway through college but I know he's gone through a vast number of various girls. Even though women are seemingly disgusted by this, they seem to keep going for him. I was curious and I asked him why does he have sex with so many different girls. I was surprised there hasn't been one that hasn't been able to sustain his attention as of now. His reply was "control, leverage, and power". According to him, the more experience one has with women, the less likely he will be pushed around in a relationship when the time does come. Sexually, he views inexperience as a bane, something that women will inevitably hold against the guy even though they do not say it. If a girl has massively more experience than a guy, she will hold it over his head and she will be the one to gain the upper hand in the relationship. As a guy, you apparently always want to have the upper hand or else you will become another one of the many pussy-whipped men in relationships. He said that you want to be able to walk away at a moment's notice and throw everything away if it all falls apart. As much as I hate to agree with him, I feel he is right. Many of my friends who are inexperienced with women tend to be the less dominant ones in the relationship. They tend to be drawn into the woman's world rather than the opposite. She has the upper hand and it becomes a psuedo-mother/son relationship rather than a wholly romantic one. Because he has options, he can easily walk away but I fear that if something like this happens to me, then I will suffer the same fate. Do you think this is true, do you agree with this? Have you found this to be true in your own personal lives?
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Agree. 100%. You are better off sleeping around than not. Sleeping around is sort of a growing experience, like falling down when you learn how to ride a bike, or getting some chin music when you step into the batter's box for the first time...
ThaWholigan Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I'm not sure I agree - for all my inexperience (in general), I do not have a perception of myself that facilitates me to be a pushover or inferior in any way to any woman I am courting. Crucially, I was already in the process of cultivating this particular mentality before I lost my virginity. I don't need a plethora of options to walk away from a relationship that is less than fulfilling, regardless of whether I have the option for sex or not. My happiness is not predicated by pussy. I suggest that others try to at least keep that thought in the back of their mind before they cling to a woman who always busts their balls. In a sense, your friend is right - but in my humble opinion, only because the inexperienced men themselves automatically view themselves to be inferior and ultimately project that feeling onto the object of their desire - therefore she will certainly treat you as an inferior. That's my feeling about it. I have had casual sex in the last year, but they have been with no more than 2 women, 1 in particular more than the other. I don't think that constitutes as "sleeping around" inasmuch as it was me having sex with a steady partner with barely any strings attached. Right now I don't have those "options" anymore. But I'll be fine - I don't need to sleep around to hold my own in a relationship. I suggest that you start instilling the same feeling into your own psyche. 4
CryForNoOne Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You're friend sounds incredibly juvenile but then again you're both in college so it's not surprising. He's referring to the power struggle that occurs after the honeymoon phase of dating. But anyone with his attitude will never build a quality lasting relationship. 9
ThaWholigan Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You're friend sounds incredibly juvenile but then again you're both in college so it's not surprising. He's referring to the power struggle that occurs after the honeymoon phase of dating. But anyone with his attitude will never build a quality lasting relationship. I did make a thread about this once - regarding power games and the fact that a lot of people view relationships as one. My own view is that the cycle must be acknowledged and adhered to - there will be honeymoon; then comfort; then friction and back around. 1
apple OR orange Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 although i think your conclusion is sound, i think one point missed was.... if you treat sex as a goal then yes you have a problem, but this IS the whole problem, women will always disagree with this idea as they dont hold sex high (at least they dont allow it to control if thre leaving or not), mainly as women can get sex just about anywhere they wanted, whereas a guy needs to be very lucky to strike another location for sex (however this sort of proves your point above). If a guy was to put his foot down on other things then theres no problem, however most women in this boat will want better sex, so thats a self correcting percentage, meaning those who have very good sex will want others who have good sex, so a lesser sex person will always be lesser in that partnership.
BluEyeL Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You're friend sounds incredibly juvenile but then again you're both in college so it's not surprising. He's referring to the power struggle that occurs after the honeymoon phase of dating. But anyone with his attitude will never build a quality lasting relationship. This. 100% agree, couldn't say it better. He is just getting numb with sex, it is not good. But, if it works for him to never be in a healthy relationship, great for him. 1
Author Pompeii Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 You're friend sounds incredibly juvenile but then again you're both in college so it's not surprising. He's referring to the power struggle that occurs after the honeymoon phase of dating. But anyone with his attitude will never build a quality lasting relationship. I actually think he's very intelligent. He didn't get into this school as a juvenile frat boy. Though I do not agree 100% with his insight, I do believe that there is a balance of power that runs through all relationships. One person always holds that power, whether it be 51-49 or 75-25. In the relationships that are 51-49, they appear equal to the casual observer, but if one turns an intense eye towards the interactions of the two, one will see who has that *slight* advantage. So if you think that we live in a utopian paradise where relationships are and can be 50-50, you better wake up and smell the coffee. The expression "she's got him by the balls" and "pussy-whipped" don't exist for the hell of it.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I think the issue is more about scarcity. If you think (or know) that this is the only girl you'll be able to attract you will be more of a pushover because you don't want to risk losing her. It's a fact. If you only have gallon of water in the desert, you're not taking any showers. In contrast, a guy who has been able to attract women his whole life (or much of it) doesn't worry about that. His attitude: easy come easy go. The stuff I said about learning experience is true too though... 1
Author Pompeii Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 OP, note that the posters that are notoriously bad with women agreed with your friend....and the ones that are good with women disagreed. Just an observation. Whether someone is "good with women" or not is 100% irrelevant to this conversation. I do not need to be a physicist to know that free fall occurs at 9.8 m/s, nor do I need to be an electrician to know that that standard voltage of electricity in the US is 120 volts. There are simply some facts that can be acclimated by gaining a collective "database" of repeat occurrences and then coming to a conclusion. This is one of them. If I posted this question on a forum where everyone in the United States could respond, no doubt everyone would have a different "opinion" and a good amount of those would color the discussion or shift it away from the intended topic out of ulterior motives. I am not saying that anyone has tried to do that so far, but when people do things such as dismissing a point of view because it appears "juvenile", one must wonder why they are so ready to shove it under the rug. As far as the men who are not "good with women", I would even be more so inclined to hear what they have to say considering that they are the ones who have experienced sides of human nature that many normal people will never have to see. So in this discussion, the ones who I feel can contribute the most are the ones who are on both sides of the spectrum, whether it be that of the cocksman or the lonely virgin. Still, because I believe in an open and democratic society, I will listen to all points of view.
Author Pompeii Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I can assure you that the guys that are currently good with women were once not good with women. The difference between the guys that are good and the guys that aren't? The guys that are learned how to be so. The guys that aren't never did. Who would you rather take advice from? Advice? No one is taking advice. I am taking opinions though. All of the people I know who are good with girls are I guess what you call "naturals". Most people at my age don't "learn" how to be good with girls. I suppose as I grow older, naturally the people who are good with women will demarcate into two camps, the "naturals" and the guys who learned to be good by ordering a product off of the Internet. I've learned at this phase that if you aren't attractive, you aren't getting anywhere.
USMCHokie Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Yeah, but you don't need to have tons of experience to be the person with more power. You just have to care less. And you learn to care less by treating sex as less of mythical notion than one initially believes. And you treat it with lower regard through repetition. I think OP's friend has a good point. I'm not sure I agree with the "power struggle" rationale he uses, but the underlying principle is sound. 2
zanzi Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 for the most part I agree. for women sex is all about emotion. and women do try to affect and manipulate their partners at times. Take away their power to affect you emotionally and you do indeed have the upper hand.
phineas Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 for the most part I agree. for women sex is all about emotion. and women do try to affect and manipulate their partners at times. Take away their power to affect you emotionally and you do indeed have the upper hand. Many women will manipulate a man using sex. They will either dangle the sex carrot or they will have sex but ration it out. That won't work with me. Mostly because women like that really don't have anything else to offer a guy but sex. 3
Revolver Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) For most men in America sleeping around like that isn't really an option. However he's Right that most women do hold inexperience against guys, women run from male virgins like the plague But at the same time 49,000 is right that many men who let women walk over them in relationships do that because they're scared of that woman leaving them and never getting sex again. Edited May 22, 2013 by Revolver
sillyanswer Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 According to him, the more experience one has with women, the less likely he will be pushed around in a relationship when the time does come. It sounds like he might have plenty of experience of starting and ending relationships, and of casual sex, but what about maintaining relationships? 2
BoneyHadger Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Many women will manipulate a man using sex. They will either dangle the sex carrot or they will have sex but ration it out. That won't work with me. Mostly because women like that really don't have anything else to offer a guy but sex. The very idea honestly baffles me. If a guy only wants to get off, he can just as easily (or actually way easier to) masturbate. What distinguishes sex and masturbation is sharing proximity and intimacy with another person. If someone sounds that controlling on this ground, I wouldn't feel like getting intimate with them in any shape. 2
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) I was talking to a friend of mine today who sleeps around with various women. We're only halfway through college but I know he's gone through a vast number of various girls. Even though women are seemingly disgusted by this, they seem to keep going for him. I was curious and I asked him why does he have sex with so many different girls. I was surprised there hasn't been one that hasn't been able to sustain his attention as of now. His reply was "control, leverage, and power". According to him, the more experience one has with women, the less likely he will be pushed around in a relationship when the time does come. Sexually, he views inexperience as a bane, something that women will inevitably hold against the guy even though they do not say it. If a girl has massively more experience than a guy, she will hold it over his head and she will be the one to gain the upper hand in the relationship. As a guy, you apparently always want to have the upper hand or else you will become another one of the many pussy-whipped men in relationships. He said that you want to be able to walk away at a moment's notice and throw everything away if it all falls apart. As much as I hate to agree with him, I feel he is right. Many of my friends who are inexperienced with women tend to be the less dominant ones in the relationship. They tend to be drawn into the woman's world rather than the opposite. She has the upper hand and it becomes a psuedo-mother/son relationship rather than a wholly romantic one. Because he has options, he can easily walk away but I fear that if something like this happens to me, then I will suffer the same fate. Do you think this is true, do you agree with this? Have you found this to be true in your own personal lives? What nonsense. Most men that I know don't look at relationships like this. Maybe it's b/c we're older, more mature, better raised, more confident.... OP, that is the philosophy of a foolish, young, misguided, man. Don't buy into excuses, reasons for why you have been hurt or why relationships are so difficult. We've all been hurt and sometimes we feel slighted, cheated, but we don't all internalize this defeatist, destructive belief-system to make ourselves feel better or boos our own corrosive ego. If treating other human beings like cattle for one's pleasure is your thing, then that's on you and some of us will have to deal with the damage you've done when and if we encounter these women. You may be frustrated, but your friend is not correct. Edited May 22, 2013 by soccerrprp 5
TouchedByViolet Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Your friend's success speaks for itself. He found something that works for him and allows him to have what he wants. His level of maturity or youth is irrelevant IMO. I would say learn what you can from him and take the things that you believe will benefit you personally.
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Your friend's success speaks for itself. He found something that works for him and allows him to have what he wants. His level of maturity or youth is irrelevant IMO. I would say learn what you can from him and take the things that you believe will benefit you personally. You'll learn that treating others like a piece of meat or s**t is the way to success?! Some of you guys are pitiful....having little or no social/relationship skills, you take desperate measures that will only hurt your chance of finding and maintaining meaningful relationships in the future. You're ability or propensity to think that way leads me to believe you think that way of all human beings....dangerous breed indeed. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You'll learn that treating others like a piece of meat or s**t is the way to success?! Some of you guys are pitiful....having little or no social/relationship skills, you take desperate measures that will only hurt your chance of finding and maintaining meaningful relationships in the future. You're ability or propensity to think that way leads me to believe you think that way of all human beings....dangerous breed indeed. All those types of relationships will be is a really stupid power-struggle. Many he keeps going through women because they don't want Round 2. I've known guys like this. They are okayish looking, can talk a good game upfront and then you discover that there just isn't anything to them. Or they have really twisted views about women (BIG RED FLAG). Guess who they end up with? Twisted women. Luckily for me I didn't do sack time early on in dating. So unless she's really batsh*t, she can generally see those stupid power-plays early on where he's trying to put you or "women" in their place or letting you know he can "walk at any time." Well, yay. Thanks for letting me know in advance that you are just another douchebag who doesn't have a problem going through women like toilet paper and treating them the same way. NEXT. Your buddy has an attachment issue and serious issues with relationship anxiety (lest he fears being controlled and being a pushover so he uses multiple sexual partners to allay those fears. OR he can't keep a sexual partner because he presents so callously, reinforcing those fears.) OR BOTH. Considering he's already preparing for an manipulative power-play, that pretty much shows his context of "what a woman is and how she will act." Any healthy woman will walk from that. And any woman that agrees, consciously or subconsciously will stay thinking "well, this guy knows the deal, and I can walk any time things don't go MY way. Because I should be in control no matter what his stupid ass thinks. He should be grateful I am even dating him with the user reputation he has." That'll work out..... 1
TouchedByViolet Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You'll learn that treating others like a piece of meat or s**t is the way to success?! Some of you guys are pitiful....having little or no social/relationship skills, you take desperate measures that will only hurt your chance of finding and maintaining meaningful relationships in the future. You're ability or propensity to think that way leads me to believe you think that way of all human beings....dangerous breed indeed. There are many roads to success. Disliking someone or their methods doesn't change the outcome. I have never treated women like a piece of meat or s**t and have no intention to. Still it works for some. Projecting into the future is not accurate. I know guys and girls who go through phases in what they want. A person who sleeps with a lot of partners can one day meet someone they would like to settle down with.
ScreamingTrees Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 And you learn to care less by treating sex as less of mythical notion than one initially believes. And you treat it with lower regard through repetition. I think OP's friend has a good point. I'm not sure I agree with the "power struggle" rationale he uses, but the underlying principle is sound. Well, it's really not helpful advice to those of us who struggle but do not deem sexual encounters to be any less mundane than any other part of every day life. As someone who has very little experience, it didn't change my life in any meaningful, practical way. I would not, will not, be controlled or unfairly compromised. I will gladly walk away, no matter how good it may have been prior. I will have enjoyed it for what it was at the time, letting that be known, and the person will have to either accept it and act accordingly/let me do my thing, or move on. I couldn't fathom myself allowing another to act as if they "own" me.. 1
AnnonymousGuy Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 It sounds to me like your friend has confidence. I think most of the time you hear people say that women are attracted to confident men, so treating these women as disposable partners allows him to remain confident. If he was a virgin who treated these women as the gatekeepers to his virginity, i'm sure he would have less confidence. With that said, you can treat women with respect and be a gentlemen with confidence. I always try to treat women with respect and I tend to think they enjoy that. Some women definitely like guys who are a-holes, but in general i think those are women i'm not attracted to anyways. 4
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) There are many roads to success. Disliking someone or their methods doesn't change the outcome. I have never treated women like a piece of meat or s**t and have no intention to. Still it works for some. Projecting into the future is not accurate. I know guys and girls who go through phases in what they want. A person who sleeps with a lot of partners can one day meet someone they would like to settle down with. I'm not arguing that there aren't other roads to success. That's clear. I am simply suggesting that the OP is being given BAD advice. It's bad in so many levels...The OP is relying on the success of another and thinking that it may result in the same outcomes for him....the advice is suggesting that he be a-hole while doing it, suggesting that he treat other human beings (women) like disposable diapers.....all questionable and down-right anti-social behavior, attitudes. Once a player, likely will continue to be one. It is very difficult for men who treat women or anyone else for that matter in that fashion to cleanse themselves of that attitude when they've allegedly found the one. If one goes down the path that the OP's friend suggests and has, it will become like an addiction.... Op, work on your confidence, not how to be a d**k! Edited May 22, 2013 by soccerrprp 1
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