Va_dad Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 And first off - do I ask here, or somewhere else Anyways, my wife and I both had very difficult childhoods - her father was alcoholic, mine was very physically abusive. While that may be the source of today's issues - today, in a nutshell, the problem is that I'm at my wit's end. We're in therapy now, but it's going very slowly and she is very defensive. (Primarily because she initiated therapy to validate her feelings, and instead, the therapist is really focused in on her) (Her feelings, btw, are that I don't treat her with respect - and belittle her.) So, today, I sit here, focused in on the certainty going through my mind that this is no way to live, and the suspicion our relationship may be too far gone to salvage. But, I'm willing to try something here before just dropping it all, breaking up our family, and moving on. How do I interact with a codependent to break her out of it? -V
dizi Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Hi Va_Dad, I have a few questions for you... How long have you been married and how many children do you have? How long have you been going to therapy? If you aren't already, I think it might be a good idea for both of you to have separate sessions as well for things you may have to deal with from your own pasts... Do you belittle her? Do you treat her with respect? Have either of you been abusive toward the other? Why do you call her a codependant? Because her father was an alcoholic? Is she or are you on medication for depression? You say that the therapist is focusing on her...do you think that maybe the therapist is trying to get her to make a decision about the way that she wants to be treated verses the way she is being treated? If you love her and there is a will, there is a way...don't give up. Be patient and kind. Let her know you cherrish her, and she should respond in kind. That is how to interact with her-the way any husband should interact with their wife. good luck!
Va_dad Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Hey dizi, thanks for the response. Actually, this is a duplicate entry - I submitted once as unregistered and once as registered - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48874/ - woops. Anyways, to answer your questions: We've been married 8 years, been living together for 4 more before that. 2 children - 5 and 2. How long have you been going to therapy? If you aren't already, I think it might be a good idea for both of you to have separate sessions as well for things you may have to deal with from your own pasts... This current session of joint therapy just started. When our therapist has asked my wife to come in separately, that, while a good thing, generates lots of "I guess I'm the one that's ****ed up" sort of harping. I'm not in denial or anything, but honestly, I've worked through my past - I had some anger management therapy in my 20's, and bulled my way through life back then - but , I've settled down, and I'm generally a jovial happy sort of doof these days. Have either of you been abusive toward the other? Let me answer the easy one first . . . no physical abuse. No alcohol abuse. No drugs. Emotional? Well, we've had our share of fights, but neither one of us ever really dominated and abused the other, emotionally. Do you belittle her? Do you treat her with respect? She *really* harps on this one, and I don't know how to respond. I don't say anything about her in a deragatory manner. I don't put down her weight, sex drive, appearance, intellect, income, wisdom, political views . . . any of that. Not to her, not to my friends, not to her friends. Now, what she harps on is my 'tone' and inflection . . . just as a hypothetical . . . if I was to say . . . "I can't put Turfbuilder on the lawn, the grass needs to be wet for that." Her response would be something along the lines of "Oh, I guess I'm an idiot, then." I'm exaggerating only slightly for effect here, but really, from my perspective that's how some of these things come across. "Um, honey, I was trying to schedule the afternoon, not insult you." "It was your tone" "What tone?" - etc. etc. In this instance, I'm pretty much at a loss. Is she or are you on medication for depression? Neither one of us are medicated. She got post partum depression fairly bad with both of our children, but refused any medication. She believes in "picking yourself up by your bootstraps" and bulling through these things. I believe that there may be actual chemical imbalances in the body that can be medicated to allow people to live normal lives. - see "Tom and Viv" for an example http://online.swank.com/publicity/Synopsis/0013751.html Why do you call her a codependant? Because her father was an alcoholic? Well that's step one. The alcoholic abusive, distant father, and her mother's nagging coping mechanisms - which she has learned and is trying to practice on me. But realistically, because I'm reading Codependent No More - and every example story illustrates actions that my wife takes on a daily basis. That's why I'm calling her Codependent - she's not caring for herself, she's trying (and failing) to care for me and my kids. My kids - in particular the 5 year old - are walking all over her. Example: We stop into the grocery store to go shopping. The 5 year old runs to the front of the grocery cart and hangs on, while my wife pushes. Pretty much exactly what they tell you not to do on the cart itself #3- http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/tbone/warningsigns/photos/Shopping%20cart%20at%20Wal-Mart.jpg And why? Because the 5 year old wants to - and she "always" does this. -V
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