sonofbill Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Around 3 years ago I caught my wife kissing a guy goodnight outside of a bar. She was pretty drunk and the guy took off before I could confront him. She swore to me it was a one off and would never happen again. Late last year we moved away from the area and it was brought to my attention that she had been seeing and texting him on and off for the entire 3 year period. I confronted her and she told me thay were friends for a long time but had only become romanticly involved in the few weeks before we left. She had her reasons, none of which I found good, but since we have been together for 30 years I felt it better to try and work things out than to seperate. I know that she is no longer in touch with him as I check phone records constantly and we are 500 miles from our original home so there really is no opportunity. She swears she still loves me and wants to make it work. My question is this, am I better off questioning her and getting all the details of what has been going on or am I better off not knowing. As I cannot get the pictures of them together out of my head and how far they might have gone.
SimonSerenade Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I can't personally say I know what it feels like to be with somebody for 30 years and deal with her doing something like that, you must be holding up really well to not be contemplating leaving her, the longest relationship was 4 years, we had a kid together and just after be was born I was in a similar situation to you, she had gone out for a night out, came back with some dude who claimed he was dropping her off and nothing more, we broke up for a while and she was with him for that time and even the time when we got back together, I couldn't live with the images in my head and I couldn't simply turn them off either, the only way I got through it was knowing everything and understanding why she did it and what would prevent her from doing it again. Turns out she was post natal and was worried her youth had gone out the window, she panicked and did what she did, she wasn't sure at the time if it was really me she wanted, in the end I had to get down to the bottom of it and reinvent our relationship, unfortunately she left for the same guy again a year or so later, I geuss my point is for your own sanity in the long run you need to know all the ins and and outs and work through it, otherwise this may never leave your mind, I wish you the best and hope you two can make it right. Treat yourself real nice though at the moment and don't forget your worth, I know 30 years is a long time to throw away but don't best yourself up if that winds up being an option.
portableversion Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) ugg so nasty, I don't know how many bros ive talked to where the lady says oh we we're just friends and its this same guy they get left for and the lady end up marrying this guy or at least shags them. its just cowardice, they want to move on and don't know if it will work so they test around and once they think it good ur toast. yeah she says she wants to work on it get down to the bottom of everything find out why she was into this guy find out what she was missing me I would suggest getting anything by don ruiz, the 4 agreements, mastery of love and voices of knowledge, also road less traveled by m. scott peck. bro you were on very thin ice hopefully the move will help but if the issues are not solved someone locally will be found out, and there will be the new "friend". don't buy it men and women are not friends they are attracted to each other and want to get together, and no one has any business befriending a married person unless it purely work related but even then that's risky work place affairs are very common. If they say they are friends at least one person is interested sexually in worse case scenario both of them are I had the friend thing to it was such a huge lie, he was and is her boyfriend and he was instrumental in our divorce. dude better watch it no one is gonna skirt away undamaged from tinkering with married people, it a moral crime and its a sin ive talked to many who had the "friend" in the picture seems that inmany cases it could take years but poetic justice emerges... harmful action by ill people lead to a harvest of bad things, seems pretty consistent with all the stories ive heard. definitely you still have hope she wants to work it out spare no expense, explore all options, get the courage to go into those dark and scary places but approach it with love, could be hard im sure but hey every marriage is worth fighting for at least she wants to work with you and seems willing to talk. bro I would do it all get marriage counseling and talk to a clergy member. churches know full well that God hates divorce and they too have resources to attempt to prevent the spiritual rape known as divorce. And true divorce is just a sanitized clinical pc term for spiritual rape, its devastating and tragic and wrong. Edited May 22, 2013 by portableversion
2sunny Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 She could be lying. She could be using an alternate phone. Here are many ways to communicate that you won't ever see. If you want her truth - and she's willing to prove she's truthful - she won't have any problem answering a million questions you need answered while she takes a polygraph. Your peace of mind is worth the price of having her tested.
BetrayedH Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Is your wife truly remorseful? If not, you may just be setting yourself up for a repeat performance with a different stud. I suggest you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. While you're obviously not the WS, it shares a lot of conventional wisdom about what a truly remorseful wayward spouse looks like. I have a feeling that you are one of the ones that "needs" to know the details. In some cases, what our imagination invents is worse than the reality. But to be honest, I think the reality is usually much worse than what we ever know. They probably screwed like rabbits in every way possible. They don't undertake this risk just to hold hands like 12 year olds. I had a need to know reality and to see her share the dark truth about herself in order to believe that anything would change. Your mileage may vary.
road Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Around 3 years ago I caught my wife kissing a guy goodnight outside of a bar. She was pretty drunk and the guy took off before I could confront him. She swore to me it was a one off and would never happen again. Late last year we moved away from the area and it was brought to my attention that she had been seeing and texting him on and off for the entire 3 year period. I confronted her and she told me thay were friends for a long time but had only become romanticly involved in the few weeks before we left. She had her reasons, none of which I found good, but since we have been together for 30 years I felt it better to try and work things out than to seperate. I know that she is no longer in touch with him as I check phone records constantly and we are 500 miles from our original home so there really is no opportunity. She swears she still loves me and wants to make it work. My question is this, am I better off questioning her and getting all the details of what has been going on or am I better off not knowing. As I cannot get the pictures of them together out of my head and how far they might have gone. You will never rest until you get the whole truth. 30 years from now unanwered questions will haunt you. No wife should be out drinking at bars without her husband.
BeholdtheMan Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 My question is this, am I better off questioning her and getting all the details of what has been going on or am I better off not knowing. As I cannot get the pictures of them together out of my head and how far they might have gone.Since you're already set in choosing the path of least resistance, also known as being a doormat, I suggest you go all out. Ignorance is bliss. Your wife will view you as weak and spineless for failing to take any action. As long as you don't mind that, you can go ahead and stick your head in the sand. There's really no point in trying to uncover all the details since it's not going to affect your decision
Recommended Posts