HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Wanted to reconcile with your ex but refused to reach out due to your pride, stubbornness, fear, or any other ( insert reason here )? The generally accepted answer is that if someone really wanted their ex back they would come beating down their door. I just wan to see how accurate that is.
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I wouldn't mind reconciling (but it's still early for me so that could change) if we were in the right places if and when we meet/speak with each other again. This is the first breakup of my entire life that I've wondered if it could work out later. I'll never reach out to him and I actually plan on ignoring any contact from him over the next 4 months (that will make for a full 6 months since BU, but 5 months NC essentially). I'm not sure I will reach out to him after that. It's not my style in dating, relationships or after breakups. All of my exes and many guys I've dated however have contacted me months or years after our splits so it's not difficult to believe that will happen again here. I don't believe that most people who would like to consider a reconciliation will pound down the door of the other person. I believe they meet up, test the waters, feel their feelings out to double check, and both parties either discuss it or don't. And from there they go. I really really think it's hard to expect a dumper (or even a dumpee) to just come out of months or even years of no/light contact and just guns blazing, lay it all out bare. That's pretty vulnerable on an emotional level. I have friends who recently reconciled after almost 4 years apart. And I never would have predicted it for these two at all. You just never know. They spent about 6 months casually meeting up on a friendly level while still casually dating others before they really discussed getting back together. I expect they'll end up married.
mammasita Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 If you're the dumper, its on you to reach out. Man or woman. I'm pretty sure most every dumpee wants to reconcile, but face it, we were dumped......we can't make the dumper want to be with us. Reaching out as a dumpee is pointless. 6
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I should have clarified. This is targeted towards women who are the dumper.
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I've been the dumper. And no, even when I still had feelings and was open to reigniting old flames, I never acted on it. I don't pursue men. Ever. That's my point. I'm generaly a pretty strong type A woman so need somebody who is just a little bit stronger type A and a subtly more dominant (without being a domineering a-hole) that me. Those guys like the chase and I like to be pursued. 1
It's Just Me Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I have never regretted ending a relationship. Once my mind is made up, it's go time and... we're done. 1
na49 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I'm a dude, but I'll use my story as an example. My ex dumped me. I blocked her everywhere I could. It didn't stop her from reaching out to me when she wanted to ask about reconciling and getting back together because eventually she found a way through to me.
Charlie Harper Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I've been the dumper. And no, even when I still had feelings and was open to reigniting old flames, I never acted on it. I don't pursue men. Ever. That's my point. I'm generaly a pretty strong type A woman so need somebody who is just a little bit stronger type A and a subtly more dominant (without being a domineering a-hole) that me. Those guys like the chase and I like to be pursued. Holy cow, you really need someone very specific ... not good in this day and age. Learn how to open up and grab the FISH you want to eat. I have been approached all my life by women and I never initiated, always passive and doing nothing to get them. So the problem is that I always been the chosen one not the one who chooses .... NOT GOOD believe me. To get the good fish you need to go fishing. Back on topic, If someone is worth it I would no ANYTHING. pride be damned!
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Holy cow, you really need someone very specific ... not good in this day and age. Learn how to open up and grab the FISH you want to eat. I have been approached all my life by women and I never initiated, always passive and doing nothing to get them. So the problem is that I always been the chosen one not the one who chooses .... NOT GOOD believe me. To get the good fish you need to go fishing. Back on topic, If someone is worth it I would no ANYTHING. pride be damned! I don't just fall into a relationship with every guy who pursues me. Obviously I need to have a mutual interest and attraction. I have no problem saying I'm not interested. My best relationships have been as I've gotten older and I was not the pursuer. I was burned quite a bit in my younger years by chasing, chasing, chasing and finally "winning" the guy I thought I wanted. Those were some of my worst dating relationships. Because the guys were never as in to me as I was them, if at all. It works for me. Why do you care?
BustedUpInside Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 No, when I have ended a relationship I have never attempted to reconcile. To be honest though, there have been a few guys where I would have given it a second chance if they had made it known that they would be interested. As the dumper in these situations, I was really scared that if I tried to get them back they might find a way to punish me for breaking up with them the first time. Like they would say yes to the reconciliation only to dump me in some cruel way a few weeks later. I have never dumped someone in a deliberately mean way, but I know that I have probably hurt some men very deeply regardless. So, to finally answer your question, yes I have wanted to get back together with exes, but I have never done anything about it out of fear. Hopefully, this post wasn't too confusing.
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I was the dumper. I shouldn't have to lower myself to beg back someone who cheated on me. Let her come back. Beg and howl...II still won't except an impure her. No one have a heart attack; I'm a dumper due to cheating. Not every Dumper should have to reach out. 1
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 It's amazing that people who's situations aren't related to the situation given in the original post feel the need to chime in with their irrelevant story.
candie13 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I was forced to be the dumper - complicated story, last summer, with sky high attraction, ending up with me all over the floor, hahaha! He came back twice or three times, but never saying the right words... He needed to tell the right things, in order for me to believe him. He didn't - probably too proud to be that outspoken. I had difficulties breathing, was almost not eating, was positively not sleeping and still, I did not come back. It eventually passed. I was right to do so. IMO, one partner can only do so much of the work. There must be a sort of ... fairness in all this. I don't think it's about love or about how much the dumper loves the dumpee... it's about how people choose to be loved. The right way or the wrong way. 1
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's amazing that people who's situations aren't related to the situation given in the original post feel the need to chime in with their irrelevant story. Pretty typical on an internet message board. I think you're going to hear a different view point from every female dumper because each situation is different and there is no one size fits all. Sometimes as the dumper, I still had feelings that were enough to reconcile, sometimes I didn't have the feelings. I never acted when I did have the feelings.
KPChick000 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I had broken up with my current ex a year prior to this break-up that he initiated this time. I regretted breaking up with him shortly after but did not pursue reconciliation right away. First off, I didn't want to appear fickle (it had been about one month or so post break-up) like I was playing with his feelings, plus I also was too stubborn to confront my own feelings. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was weak and needed/wanted him. But ultimately, I realized and admitted that I made a mistake. I tried to reconcile with him over the phone/text, but I don't think it really made a real impression until I showed up in person and really expressed how much I wanted to try again. He didn't accept right away, though, but did eventually.
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Pretty typical on an internet message board. I think you're going to hear a different view point from every female dumper because each situation is different and there is no one size fits all. Sometimes as the dumper, I still had feelings that were enough to reconcile, sometimes I didn't have the feelings. I never acted when I did have the feelings. I was just curious and wanted some validation because sometimes I get the feeling my ex really misses me but I also know she is just as stubborn as I am and even if she wanted to I am not sure she would ever admit it. I know she's used to exes begging for her or getting really mad, breaking down, and telling her how miserable they are. In addition, I've been doing well and have a few women I'm interested in so even if she was to approach me I don't think I could. Not enough time has passed for her to make the changes she needs to be in a healthy relationship. Funny that as the dumpee I don't think she's ready. Long story short, "breadcrumbs" or not. I usually here from her every 7-14 days whether or not I choose to reply. Sometimes I wonder WTF is she thinking but most of the time it's nice to know she still thinks about me (ego boost) despite being in her 2nd relationship post breakup.
candie13 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 see, that is what baffles me: how do you expect a woman - any woman - to come back to you, when you're dating/seeing/having sex with someone new? Like... are you for real? Maybe those texts were moments of weakness... anyway, you know her better, but if you expect to be jumping from one "relationship" to the next and yet your ex to come back "fighting for you".... allow me to invite you to gently slide down from your cloud ! All women want to feel like they mattered, like your feelings or whatever you two had was special... crazy as it may seem, even though she's the one who needs to do the hard work, she still needs to see that there is something fighting over... anyway, that's just me, maybe other women are less proud. 1
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 As a dumpee, no. I go immediately NC. I've actually never really had a ex like this. All the others after I ignore a text or two I don't hear from them again so I have no real need to be in NC mode but for whatever reason this last one seems to be keeping pretty good tabs on me.
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 see, that is what baffles me: how do you expect a woman - any woman - to come back to you, when you're dating/seeing/having sex with someone new? I don't expect her to come back and she has no idea about what I am doing in my personal life. Like... are you for real? Maybe those texts were moments of weakness... anyway, you know her better, but if you expect to be jumping from one "relationship" to the next and yet your ex to come back "fighting for you".... allow me to invite you to gently slide down from your cloud ! I haven't jumped into anything yet. Just talking and meeting up with a few women. She has actually become FB official twice already. Just to be clear--I'm not the one jumping from relationship to relationship. All women want to feel like they mattered, like your feelings or whatever you two had was special... crazy as it may seem, even though she's the one who needs to do the hard work, she still needs to see that there is something fighting over... anyway, that's just me, maybe other women are less proud. I hear you but this thread wasn't about getting my ex back or "what does she want, mean?". I was simply curious to see if any women had really wanted to reconcile but didn't because of their insecurities.
candie13 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 k, sorry, I thought you were the one with the relationships... omg, so she changed the fb status... twice ? i imagine that that should have been a bit dramatic, but then... you guys don't strike me as in your mid 20's . I was the type of girl to not go after an ex. Not because of insecurities, but because I wasn't sure about my own feelings and what I actually wanted from that guy. I need to respect a lot a guy, to come back after him. Not just as a partner, but as a person, too... me coming back to a guy is a big thing. serious.
Author HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 k, sorry, I thought you were the one with the relationships... omg, so she changed the fb status... twice ? i imagine that that should have been a bit dramatic, but then... you guys don't strike me as in your mid 20's . As silly as it sounds FB is kind of a big deal in some areas. For me personally, I don't change my status and add who I am with unless this is someone I intend on building something with. I'm past my 20's for whatever it's worth.
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