Reconciled Couples on Here

[worldgonewrong]

I have a question (or two), and I ask it out of pure interest & wonderment:

 

what compels former BS's and former WW/WH's to post here, whose marriage is now seemingly reconciled?

 

What I mean is, I find it curious that such people - who seem to have it happily together - seek out LS and pitch in on an Infidelity forum.

 

Is it to seek counsel/advice as you're maintaining a reconciliation?

Do the parties involved feel a sort of shakiness or precariousness about their reconciliation, even though they've expressed joy/relief that their nightmare is over?

 

Like I said, I just find it intriguing and I'm curious to get some thoughts.

[leonine]

Well, i would say that my BH and I are still in in the process of reconciling so I'm not sure I'm your target audience, but I post here for a few reasons. It's a good place to be able to share stories with people who "get it". It's nice to read that our story isn't completely unique and that there is a way to get out of this together, and hopefully better and happier than we were before the affair. Also, this place was a really good resource for me when I was deciding to come clean with my husband and I like to think that I can give back and hopefully provide some value with my posts.

[Spark1111]

I have a question (or two), and I ask it out of pure interest & wonderment:

 

what compels former BS's and former WW/WH's to post here, whose marriage is now seemingly reconciled?

 

What I mean is, I find it curious that such people - who seem to have it happily together - seek out LS and pitch in on an Infidelity forum.

 

Is it to seek counsel/advice as you're maintaining a reconciliation?

Do the parties involved feel a sort of shakiness or precariousness about their reconciliation, even though they've expressed joy/relief that their nightmare is over?

 

Like I said, I just find it intriguing and I'm curious to get some thoughts.

 

 

happily reconciled.

 

Paying it forward.

 

There is too much bad advice, too much pop-culture lip service when it comes to dealing with the devastation after discovering infidelity.

 

Even counselors can be terrible!

 

The best advice for me came from those here who had been through it. It was like group therapy and wonderful to realize I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

[anne1707]

I came here after dday from my affair. LS helped me and it helped our marriage reconcile. I stay because I want to help others in similar situations - especially WS who want to reconcile. I also enjoy the rest of LS and have made friends here.

[eleanorrigby]

It's become a habit for me. I came to the infidelity forums when I needed them, now I stay because the stories and interacting with people that are living what I lived through is interesting to me.

[underwater2010]

First, they give great advice to those that are choosing to reconcile.

Second, it helps other people to realize the damage that they are doing.

Third, it helps us to see how far we have come and have yet to go.

 

My question to you is....why does it matter?

[Owl]

Pretty much what Anne said.

 

This place was my sounding board back when I needed it. I got some great advice and insight here.

 

I've also found that I enjoy giving advice and support...so I've stayed and do so.

 

Pretty much that simple. No hidden motives or agenda. No hidden fears that things are bad, nor secret desire to attack others with whom I don't agree.

 

I found that I enjoy posting here, and like it when I find out that my advice may have helped someone.

 

That's it.

[worldgonewrong]

First, they give great advice to those that are choosing to reconcile.

Second, it helps other people to realize the damage that they are doing.

Third, it helps us to see how far we have come and have yet to go.

 

My question to you is....why does it matter?

 

It matters to me, I guess, because it is an alien thing to me. I was a BH, and my marriage busted up. So I like to see what's in the hearts & minds of people who are actually trying to keep their marriages together despite whatever disastrous circumstances preceded reconciliation. While I wouldn't want my ex back in a million lifetimes, I do have an appreciation for those putting in the leg work.

[seren]

Much the same as others I come here because when it happened to me I could find nothing that matched how I felt. Some sites were too hard hitting, some I landed on were for OW/OM and so not what I needed at the time, LS offered adifferent perspective and I have had support from all sides of the A triangle. Over the years I have met some truly lovely people on here and I pop onto other sections of the site.

 

I am a 6 years out from D Day and reconciled happily, I never thought to find myself on a site like this and I hope that I can offer advice, support and yes, hope, for those who are newly arriving here. I while away my insomnia filled nights popping in to see what is going on. I also live remotely and in a new area, people on LS feel like distant friends, some are OW and I wish them nothing but the best.

 

Oh and seemingly reconciled isn't the case, happily reconciled, yes.

[Furious]

I didn't even know this place existed and when I stumbled across this site I was shocked that they were so many here who were going through something I could relate to. I lurked for awhile and learned a great deal. There are so many veteran posters who are so helpful and supportive.

 

I'm just over a year and half in reconciling. I never thought it was possible because on my d-day I had kicked my husband out and was determined to head toward divorce. He has gone above and beyond in showing me how remorseful he is and we are doing great. He knows I post here and he is free to read anything I write and he belongs to a former WS forum and I'm free to read anything he posts.

 

I don't know if I've helped as many as those who've helped me here, but I hope my story can help others.

[drifter777]

For some people there is no such thing as reconciled - there are only various states of reconciling. A betrayal as traumatic as infidelity can require a BS to suffer from mind movies and other triggers of the incident for many years. Just as I believe that reconciliation is a process, I think that forgiveness or acceptance requires ongoing work. Some BS's need to go through forgiving/accepting their BS to some degree each time something occurs that triggers their memory of the incident. It's an ongoing process for lots of us.

[SidLyon]

For some people there is no such thing as reconciled - there are only various states of reconciling. A betrayal as traumatic as infidelity can require a BS to suffer from mind movies and other triggers of the incident for many years. Just as I believe that reconciliation is a process, I think that forgiveness or acceptance requires ongoing work. Some BS's need to go through forgiving/accepting their BS to some degree each time something occurs that triggers their memory of the incident. It's an ongoing process for lots of us.

 

I think that just as life is a journey, then so is a marriage and any reconciliation after infidelity. It's not over 'til it's over.

[ComingInHot]

worldgonewrong,

H & I are R'd.

It was quite a journey. Actually more of a road show, but we are in a good place right now. Kind of between storms of the marital & familial kind*

 

I came here first for answers. I stayed because of the support (that seems to be lacking these days w/wonderful posters suddenly Not here. ). I remain for now to support others.

 

WGW, did you ever have a period when you thought you were the only OW/exOW? Did you wonder if there were others in an A like you? Did you have questions regarding your A, the role you were/are playing, what WH/MM could possibly be thinking, what his Wife was thinking or wondering?

 

You may have found you were Not alone once you found LS. Hopefully you found answers, support and possibly gained some new/different perspectives.

 

I don't quite recall where you are at today w/your A, but regardless of how the story finishes, you will have learned a-lot (I hope).

Maybe you will feel compelled, like many others here, to remain for a season or two, to offer what you have experienced and learned to others looking for what you were and found here at LS.

[Confused48]

worldgonewrong,

H & I are R'd.

It was quite a journey. Actually more of a road show, but we are in a good place right now. Kind of between storms of the marital & familial kind*

 

I came here first for answers. I stayed because of the support (that seems to be lacking these days w/wonderful posters suddenly Not here. ). I remain for now to support others.

 

WGW, did you ever have a period when you thought you were the only OW/exOW? Did you wonder if there were others in an A like you? Did you have questions regarding your A, the role you were/are playing, what WH/MM could possibly be thinking, what his Wife was thinking or wondering?

 

You may have found you were Not alone once you found LS. Hopefully you found answers, support and possibly gained some new/different perspectives.

 

I don't quite recall where you are at today w/your A, but regardless of how the story finishes, you will have learned a-lot (I hope).

Maybe you will feel compelled, like many others here, to remain for a season or two, to offer what you have experienced and learned to others looking for what you were and found here at LS.

 

The OP is a BS.

[Spark1111]

It matters to me, I guess, because it is an alien thing to me. I was a BH, and my marriage busted up. So I like to see what's in the hearts & minds of people who are actually trying to keep their marriages together despite whatever disastrous circumstances preceded reconciliation. While I wouldn't want my ex back in a million lifetimes, I do have an appreciation for those putting in the leg work.

 

If my WS had not been honest, remorseful and willing to do anything and everything it took to heal me and to heal us, I certainly would NOT be happily reconciled.

 

I'd be happily divorced today.

 

It takes two people willing to do the legwork and the heavy lifting, otherwise, who in their right mind would stay willingly with an un remorseful cheater?

 

THAT would be a life sentence of torture.

 

Even with my H doing EVERYTHING asked of him, I still had a suitcase packed and a divorce attorney on speed dial for almost two years. I put the man through hell. I wanted to trust him again because I did love him, but I wasn't sure I would be strong enough to withstand the process and be able to truly forgive him.

 

make no mistake. It wasn't easy, but for us, it worked.

[ComingInHot]

confused wrote, " The OP is a BS."

 

Doh!!

Good thing I was sincere*...

sorry

[waterwoman]

If am still here if/when H and I are truly reconciled, I'll let you know

[jnel921]

I agree with Owl..I have been here since 2004 reading and posting on several different things but was grateful to have a place to share and get advice when it came to my H's betrayal.

 

I try to understand the other persons perspective which helps me to understand why this happened and gives me a little more insight.

 

Everyone should have support. I am grateful of LS and everyone here who has read my postings and responded with advice.

[katielee]

I'd like to know the best piece of advice the reconciling have given or received on here....

[drifter777]

I'd like to know the best piece of advice the reconciling have given or received on here....

 

Probably not possible. Different strokes for different folks.

[underwater2010]

I'd like to know the best piece of advice the reconciling have given or received on here....

Communicate open and honestly!!!!

 

If something is bothering say it. Talk about the good as well as the bad. It is usually lack of communication that leads to an affair in the first place.