Cultural differences in dating? 3 dates, not a big texter..?

[AsonUnique]

I've been on 3 dates with a Chinese girl in Chicago. I live in the burbs, so it's a good 40 minute drive to see her. She's been in the US 9 years, makes a lot of money helping Chinese students get into colleges here, she's a busy gal.

 

The dates have been awesome. We've clicked well and Saturday was the best date yet...a nice dinner followed by finally kissing and just making out all over the city in a nice display of affection. She doesn't drink so it wasn't alcohol influenced.

 

What's bugging me is she rarely texts. If I didn't text her ever again, Idk if she'd eventually text me or not. I haven't let a whole day go by yet, I texted a "good night" last night after no contact all day, she replied with a "good night" text and also sent a cute, flirty pic of her laying in bed.

 

She's traditional, I open doors, pay for everything (tho she makes WAYYY more money than me)...so I'm guessing that I'm suppose to keep the texting going at all times? (she has always replied, sometimes not until hours later but she always replies)

 

I'm usually the one bothered by girls texting too much. When we're together and when texts are actually happening, it seems obvious she's into me.

 

This is just different for me. I've done tons of dating in my life and little contact has always been a major indicator of not being interested, whether it's me or the girl I'm dating.

 

So in summary, it's bugging the hell out of me not having much contact with her between dates.

Any thoughts? Am I over-thinking this..?

[ITw]

She may think it's up to the guy to initiate texts/calls. Are you giving her enough signs or reassurance to text or call you? Could she possibly be wondering if you're interested enough in her? Remember it's still early in the game, so she might be nervous about initiating things.

[BluEyeL]

I also think she expects you to initiate most of the communication.

[nerd]

Maybe Chinese girls don't like to text?

[soccerrprp]

Yes, to all above. I'm communicating with an awesome Bulgarian woman and has been in the states for only 6.5 years. She seems very traditional and uncertain about "how" to date here in the USA. And the use of texting, well, that's something else she's not used to using for the purpose of dating....

 

As long as she's responding, keep initiating. She may loosen up and begin initiating herself.

[zebracolors]

gonna agree with soccerrprp, Id not put too much stock into the frequency of her contact if you've already identified that she certainly seems into you when you're together with her. Its possible she'd rather save most of the chat for when she can see you.

 

And here I am worried about texting a guy I like a lot too much because I feel like it'd annoy him. Though I can't see how texting him every couple of days or sometimes every few days would be annoying. OTOH, can't help but wonder if contacting him so scarcely is giving him the impression that Im not interested in anything more than casual friendship with him.

 

Our texts conversations are generally short as well, and just for sharing information or plan a get together, and we save the real chat for when we meet up. I am usually the one who contacts him first, but if its him, I always make an effort to reply to him soon as i can (I'll even stop my work to reply, I like him that much) to show im into him, and certainly also do when I meet up with him.

[AsonUnique]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I guess I'm more venting than anything. Also, a girl's post on here about how she's dating 4-5 guys from online so she has options got me thinking.... this girl I've described was upfront that she's been on dates with other guys and she's logged on the site since our first date. No biggie, but for me, until I establish it's not going to work out with someone, I don't keep looking online. To each is own...I really don't hold it against her if she is going on dates with others.

 

It makes sense that she waits for me to text, I just don't care for this method. I'm the same as u Zebra, I'd typically stop what I'm doing to text back...though since she delays the texts, I've found myself waiting to reply.

 

Ahhh..the joys of dating..

[CryForNoOne]

Maybe Chinese girls don't like to text?

 

Lol! You've never been to Asia. You almost can't get them to unglue themselves from their cell phones in public places like buses, subways, and elevators...

[apple OR orange]

caltures are very different, siding with how someone does things in north america wont work from other locations.

[Veronica2025]

I'm a girl who's not a big texter. I generally respond but hate to initiate. I don't think it's a cultural thing. It can be a personal preference in her case.

[AsonUnique]

Lol! You've never been to Asia. You almost can't get them to unglue themselves from their cell phones in public places like buses, subways, and elevators...

 

Very true. She's probably more tech-savvy than me. At least she's not on her phone much around me.

 

Reading posts on this site has me thinking different today. Idk if I should make a new topic or what but... Ppl got me feeling like a chump for paying for a date (and ridiculously expensive candy). First 2 dates were real chill...she just got tea and I had a few beers. 3rd date I guess made up for it...dinner was cheap at $40, but then we checked out a Chinese candy shop and she picked out $30 of what the Chinese call "candy." She plopped it on the counter, then never made a gesture to pay for it. I found it rude but shrugged it off due to her Chinese-ness I guess.

 

It was stated this was a major red flag by others. I'm second guessing if this girl is worth the time. Not just b/c of the one date or the lack of texts. This is the first gal that I haven't figured out by now truthfully...kinda intriguing, kinda makes me want to say F it and change directions.

[AsonUnique]

Any thoughts? I just need to bounce my thoughts off some people and figure out my next step.

 

Of course my friend's general consensus is "you've gotten this far, she's into you, at least bone her."

[CryForNoOne]

Very true. She's probably more tech-savvy than me. At least she's not on her phone much around me.

 

Reading posts on this site has me thinking different today. Idk if I should make a new topic or what but... Ppl got me feeling like a chump for paying for a date (and ridiculously expensive candy). First 2 dates were real chill...she just got tea and I had a few beers. 3rd date I guess made up for it...dinner was cheap at $40, but then we checked out a Chinese candy shop and she picked out $30 of what the Chinese call "candy." She plopped it on the counter, then never made a gesture to pay for it. I found it rude but shrugged it off due to her Chinese-ness I guess.

 

It was stated this was a major red flag by others. I'm second guessing if this girl is worth the time. Not just b/c of the one date or the lack of texts. This is the first gal that I haven't figured out by now truthfully...kinda intriguing, kinda makes me want to say F it and change directions.

 

Is she Chinese from Hong Kong, Taiwan, or China? There is a huge difference. Also if from the mainland, where? Shanghai girls are pretty Westernized. I think it's universal that Asian women expect the guy to pay. They are much more traditional than American women so you won't encounter much feminist behavior. Her expecting you to always pay is not a sign that she is "using" you. If you really like her, you should continue to pursue it. These mostly sound like cultural differences although the texting one I am unsure about. Is she very "cutesy" "girly" or is she more sophisticated and mature. The Asian girls who like Hello Kitty and giggle are the ones who are addicted to cell phones. A much smaller percentage of Asian girls go out of their way to reject that behavior because it is very immature. If she is more the latter, the it's not about you but her personal preference to NOT act like one of those stereotypical Asian girls. Hence very little texting...

[AsonUnique]

Pretty sure she's from the mainland, but I can't remember off hand. She's 32, mature but playful/flirty, business savvy, always wears those cute short (Cheongsam?) dresses...which I noticed even in Chinatown very few Chinese women wear those.

 

I assume she knows that she makes way more than me. She's the one with a condo in a high-rise in downtown Chicago, taking flights to conferences all over the US and paying 10k for a three day self-improvement seminar with frickin Tony Robbins...I've been squatting with a roommate in a 3 bedroom apartment that smells like piss in the hallways. (Tho she's never been to my place, and I haven't been inside her actual condo yet)

 

I'm still guessing about this girl, but she comes off as well composed and familiar with dating here in the US, kinda like a successful, mature asian socialite. Not socialite in a Kardashian sense, but in a business sense. Networker I guess I should say.

I'm a couple years older than her, but look late 20s at most and keep my body very fit, I feel like she was showing me off in Chinatown. Taking me to restaurants where I'm the only white person, introducing me to her friends & a cousin that lives with her and is a waiter at the restaurant. It wouldn't look good if she was constantly bringing diff men in there right? She's very conscious of always presenting herself as professional in a business sense.

 

Right now I'm leaning towards taking out one of these other girls I'd been getting to know via text before these dates. I'll keep texting Ms China, keep meeting up if she wants and maybe we'll hit the beach this weekend, but I think I'll just focus more on the fun of it all until someone makes it clear they want something long term.

[icedlatte]

Texting, no matter what race or culture, is a mainstay of our generation. If she's not initiating texts with you, it's due to personal preferences and not because of her culture or "Chinese-ness" (which sounds a bit offensive and ignorant). Perhaps she's playing coy and hard to get so that you won't think that she's "easy" or "desperate". It's called playing (mind) games.

 

It's general courtesy and chivalry to offer to pay for first dates. (Heck, my good guy friends offer to pay for my drinks whenever we get together.) Maybe less "traditional" (and hence, "feminist") women will offer to split the check, but I'm sure that they appreciate the fact that the guy at least offered. Women in general likes it when guys pay so one can't just say that only "Asian women expect guys to pay for everything."

 

I'm not sure what prompted her to pick out $30 worth of candy and not offer to pay. (I'm assuming it's the shop in the same plaza as the zodiac sign statues...)That is a bit tactless on her part. But think of this way: since she doesn't drink, just think of it as her ordering another round of drinks at dinner.

 

It's interesting how you're very aware of her income this early on in the dating scene, pointing out how she makes more than you do and lives in a nicer place in the city. Is the income difference bothering you, causing you to doubt her motives in dating you? Suspicious of her ie is she juggling multiple men at the same time? Are you worried that she's "using" you per example of her expecting you to pay for "everything"? More than anything, she's probably "using" you as the white male eye candy to elevate her status or maintain her image as a successful businesswoman in her Asian circle since she showed you off in Chinatown. If I were truly a successful business savvy woman like how you proclaim she is, then I wouldn't want to go to Chinatown to show off my date. I would want to go to all the latest hot spots in Chitown to see and be seen ie Blackbird or a rooftop lounge overlooking the city.

 

I'm curious to know her background before she came to the States. Because most of the time, when people have to try this hard to maintain this image of being successful and rich, they usually aren't. It should come naturally. It's like fashion: You either have inherent style or you try so hard and you ultimately become a fashion victim.

 

If you're still having doubts, perhaps it's not a good idea to date her. Go with your gut feeling because most of the time, it's right. If you do "bone" her per your friend's suggestion, then definitely expect her to expect you to pay for everything and you'll have a harder time with an exit strategy.

[AsonUnique]

If she's not initiating texts with you, it's due to personal preferences and not because of her culture or "Chinese-ness" (which sounds a bit offensive and ignorant)

 

Sorry if anyone gets offended, hard to "know" people online, so out of context I can sound pretty non-PC at times when I actually love asian women.

 

The income difference is actually something I really like about her... I was a lil concerned that maybe I'm just a "boy toy" for her, but after some thought, I'm really ok with that if it's the case. I just have to adjust my expectations. I don't even care if she's dating other guys, it's only been 3 dates.

 

She's not much of a clubber and doesn't drink, I doubt she's even gone to Blackbird. Seems like she frequents Chinatown.

 

I'm more interested in her background now too. I believe her parents are well off, but not sure. They're coming to stay with her for a couple months this summer.

 

My gut feeling is generally what I follow, but I'm not even getting a clear "gut feeling" on what this girl is all about.

 

I really don't mind paying for a dinner or something when that's where I've taken her. It's just that one situation where she suggests going into a store and then picks out $30 worth of stuff w/ no intention to pay that is a clear line-crosser for me.

 

I'm leaning towards just not texting her, seeing if she contacts me. If not, I'll just move along.

I got a buddy that is dating a Chinese girl and they're bugging me to ask her for a double date now...his girlfriend might actually be able to get a lot more info about her for me and maybe then I'll have a better idea of what this girl is all about...

 

Thanks for the feedback Iced, sincerely.

[Eggplant]

If you want conversation, why don't you call her instead of texting? It makes a MUCH better impression.

[bac]

Pretty sure she's from the mainland, but I can't remember off hand. She's 32, mature but playful/flirty, business savvy, always wears those cute short (Cheongsam?) dresses...which I noticed even in Chinatown very few Chinese women wear those.

 

I assume she knows that she makes way more than me. She's the one with a condo in a high-rise in downtown Chicago, taking flights to conferences all over the US and paying 10k for a three day self-improvement seminar with frickin Tony Robbins...I've been squatting with a roommate in a 3 bedroom apartment that smells like piss in the hallways. (Tho she's never been to my place, and I haven't been inside her actual condo yet)

 

I'm still guessing about this girl, but she comes off as well composed and familiar with dating here in the US, kinda like a successful, mature asian socialite. Not socialite in a Kardashian sense, but in a business sense. Networker I guess I should say.

I'm a couple years older than her, but look late 20s at most and keep my body very fit, I feel like she was showing me off in Chinatown. Taking me to restaurants where I'm the only white person, introducing me to her friends & a cousin that lives with her and is a waiter at the restaurant. It wouldn't look good if she was constantly bringing diff men in there right? She's very conscious of always presenting herself as professional in a business sense.

 

Right now I'm leaning towards taking out one of these other girls I'd been getting to know via text before these dates. I'll keep texting Ms China, keep meeting up if she wants and maybe we'll hit the beach this weekend, but I think I'll just focus more on the fun of it all until someone makes it clear they want something long term.

 

She is not in your league. There are only 24 hrs per each day and everyone makes a choice to use their time either on fun (texting all the days to strangers) or on making money/self-improvement.

A guy in 30s who lives with multiple roommates in a smelly apartment and regrets buying a candy for a beautiful girl does not definitely need any self-improvement.

IMO, as for texting, it is because of her culture, being traditional, personality, busy professional life-style.

As for the candy, it means she was considering having sex with you someday. If a traditional woman accepts your gifts, it means you have a chance to get laid with her.

Edited May 23, 2013 by bac

[AsonUnique]

Again, I LIKE that she's financially well off...I'm not sure why money is being discussed so much aside from the one instance I had an issue with. I was just trying to describe the girl to give a background, but I doubt our income difference has had any effect on anything.

 

Rosas I totally agree. She can choose to not contact me and date other guys.

 

"you need to be a men and be in your role. suprise her

with a dinner that you pay for.

have small talks about how you like to hear more about her because you aree falling for her.

step up be clear."

 

I did take her to dinner and pay. Our conversations are great and I'm always asking to learn more about her. I've been clear with my intentions, she knows I'm feeling her. Like I've said, our time together is wonderful...great chemistry despite any cultural differences.

 

"next time dont kiss so soon." 3 dates is too soon for kissing?! In 2013? Not in my area of the US, this is actually the most dates I've ever gone before getting a kiss. The only dates where I didn't get a kiss by date 3 were the ones that ended after date 1.

Still, lots of good advice Rosas, thanks....and Eggplant, I'm purposely ignoring your post due to my extreme fear of speaking on the phone...

 

 

..not really...maybe I'll surprise her with a call on Friday if I don't hear from her by then. I'll plan a double date with my friend and his girl this weekend and see if I know more about what direction to take after that.

[AsonUnique]

She is not in your league. There are only 24 hrs per each day and everyone makes a choice to use their time either on fun (texting all the days to strangers) or on making money/self-improvement.

A guy in 30s who lives with multiple roommates in a smelly apartment and regrets buying a candy for a beautiful girl does not definitely need any self-improvement.

IMO, as for texting, it is because of her culture, being traditional, personality, busy professional life-style.

As for the candy, it means she was considering having sex with you someday. If a traditional woman accepts your gifts, it means you have a chance to get laid with her.

 

Oooouuuuuchhhhh!!!! I'll just leave now... lol

 

(for the record...1. I only have one roommate and it's in the stairway that smells musty or like what everyone is cooking meshed into one smell..our actual apartment is nice and clean. 2. I'm a therapist with a master degree, so it's not like I'm some dead-beat)

 

But still...ouch.

[icedlatte]

She is not in your league. There are only 24 hrs per each day and everyone makes a choice to use their time either on fun (texting all the days to strangers) or on making money/self-improvement.

A guy in 30s who lives with multiple roommates in a smelly apartment and regrets buying a candy for a beautiful girl does not definitely need any self-improvement.

IMO, as for texting, it is because of her culture, being traditional, personality, busy professional life-style.

As for the candy, it means she was considering having sex with you someday. If a traditional woman accepts your gifts, it means you have a chance to get laid with her.

 

But he's not a "stranger" to her, especially since they went out on a couple of dates already. What an asinine thing to say: "if a traditional woman accepts your gifts, it means you have a chance to get laid with her." So does that mean if you bought a cup of coffee for your female boss and she accepted it, then that means that you have a chance of hooking up with her?

 

And why do we assume she's a "beautiful girl"? Because according to the OP's description below:

 

She's 32, mature but playful/flirty, business savvy, always wears those cute short (Cheongsam?) dresses...which I noticed even in Chinatown very few Chinese women wear those.

 

If I ever saw any girl wearing those type of dresses, especially at that age, she would stick out like a sore thumb, and I would think she lacks fashion sense, which is an oxymoron considering she's described as "business savvy" and "Asian socialite."

 

I'm still guessing about this girl, but she comes off as well composed and familiar with dating here in the US, kinda like a successful, mature asian socialite. Not socialite in a Kardashian sense, but in a business sense. Networker I guess I should say.

 

Networker can also be synonymous with being an opportunist. Maybe she's just messing with you for now to stroke her ego because people like her wants to be with white guys. But since you mentioned your friend is also dating an Asian, just go on a double date (I'm assuming at Chinatown again? You guys are missing all the great restaurants in Chi-town!!!) and have the female friend casually talk with your date to get a feel for things. And you'll get a better idea on where you stand.

 

If not, move on because if anything, Asian girls, especially ones not from the States, are great at mind f***ing.

 

Ah, I just read your post above that you're a therapist. Well, that proves to be interesting because you probably tend to over-analyze things. So if this situation doesn't bode well, you can treat it as a social "experiment".

Edited May 23, 2013 by icedlatte

[AsonUnique]

Her attire is perfect for a Chinese business woman, all of her clients are Chinese. It's what Lucy Lu wears in every movie practically, and I love it to be truthful. She's proud of her heritage, can't hold that against her and in the words of the late great Bernie Mac, "hell, I wouldn't want to."

 

I guess I haven't described her actual looks. She has pretty much the typical petite asian body, she has a nice smile, pretty eyes, so yeah I'd consider her attractive. Not out-of-my league attractive tho, BAC! lol

 

She could be an opportunist, who knows? Man this site has just put all types of stuff in my head that wasn't already there. I'm no psycho-therapist.

 

This has definitely been a new and interesting experience.

[bac]

Oooouuuuuchhhhh!!!! I'll just leave now... lol

 

(for the record...1. I only have one roommate and it's in the stairway that smells musty or like what everyone is cooking meshed into one smell..our actual apartment is nice and clean. 2. I'm a therapist with a master degree, so it's not like I'm some dead-beat)

 

But still...ouch.

 

I understand that you are not some dead-beat. And, I am a woman who has read your post where you described yourself and the girl.

From your description, I have got an impression that you were a real dead-beat and she was a real princess. It was an impression of a woman. If I were a man, I might see you differently.

As for your league, I did not mean your looks because being a woman I figure out man's league by his social status, financial status, emotional and rational intelligence.

I know that you are very educated but what is intelligent about spending your life on texting to multiple girls who you have just met online or somewhere else.

[AsonUnique]

I know that you are very educated but what is intelligent about spending your life on texting to multiple girls who you have just met online or somewhere else.

I enjoy it. Bac you keep over-generalizing me and really selling me short. I just never thought describing myself was needed until u mentioned it. I didn't mean to put her on a pedestal while making myself sound like a peasant. My job is very challenging but never boring..it keeps me busy. I'm hardly spending my life texting...but getting to know someone new is fun to me and I enjoy dating for the most part.

 

As of this morning, I'm really only talking to one girl...and it's not my Chinese friend. Haven't heard from her since she replied to my last text on Tuesday. Yesterday I finally let a whole day pass. Like I said, I'll probably call her tomorrow to inquire about double dating if I don't hear anything until then.

I'll respect her methods if she insists on the guy doing absolutely everything, but I don't have to like it and it's really pushing me away at this point.

[icedlatte]

I enjoy it. Bac you keep over-generalizing me and really selling me short. I just never thought describing myself was needed until u mentioned it. I didn't mean to put her on a pedestal while making myself sound like a peasant. My job is very challenging but never boring..it keeps me busy. I'm hardly spending my life texting...but getting to know someone new is fun to me and I enjoy dating for the most part.

 

As of this morning, I'm really only talking to one girl...and it's not my Chinese friend. Haven't heard from her since she replied to my last text on Tuesday. Yesterday I finally let a whole day pass. Like I said, I'll probably call her tomorrow to inquire about double dating if I don't hear anything until then.

I'll respect her methods if she insists on the guy doing absolutely everything, but I don't have to like it and it's really pushing me away at this point.

 

Like I said earlier, it sounds like she's playing games and wanting to be chased. Sometimes it's due to an insecurity thing or lack of experience with dating. Regardless, I think the problem I had with this thread is the over-generalization with Asian women, perpetuating the stereotype that they expect guys to do "everything". But she's at fault too in perpetuating that stereotype: wearing traditional dresses and showing off a white guy in Chinatown. A lot of my Asian American friends work with Asian clients yet they don't dress in that way. But at the same time, we are proud of our heritage without blatantly in your face style.

 

So back to your situation, if you like her and can put up with her antics, then go for it. If you feel like it takes too much work, then date someone else. Because who knows, maybe all this time you're pondering about her behavior, you're missing out on spending time with the girl you're actually meant to be with.