3 weeks after breakup he wants to go for drinks?!

[Buns]

Hi everyone,

 

sorry this is so long...

 

I got together with this guy in january, and fell helplessly in love, I love everything about him, his looks, his personality...

 

In March I found messages on his phone, one was him talking to a friend, saying that he's seen his ex a few days before and that he was heartbroken because she just wanted to stay friends. Another was him inviting a girl for a drink and then saying "I'll drop you back home " and another was him writing to his brother saying "can you leave me the flat tonight I want to f*** Emy before I leave her". Anyway, I should have left when I saw those messages, but for some reason I didn't, because we got on so well, because I was happy with him...

 

On my birthday, he had flowers sent to school for me, took me to a great restaurant and bought me perfume. But I thought something was up so I looked at his messages again (I know I know, I shouldn't do it, but I knew something was up) and I saw that a few days before he'd slept with his ex, twice. I told him what I'd seen, he said that he was lost, that he didn't know what to do. We spent the weekend together and on monday morning in the car he could see that I was unhappy and I said "you need to make a decision" so he said "I'm happy with you, you make me happy, I don't want that to change" so I was happy.

 

Then the next day he text me saying that he was unsure of his feelings, that he didn't want to mess me around that he needed to talk. So he came over to my flat that evening, he said that he had feelings for me, feelings for his ex and didn't know what to do. So I said that he needed to think about things, but not to make we wait for too long. So off he went, and that was an awfully long week, no news from him, I missed him a lot. The following monday he came back to my flat, said that he wanted us to break up, but I could see that he wasn't sure, so I told him everything I felt, that we were happy together, that we got on really well, that I thought it could work, that going back to his ex was a mistake because they'd tried 3 times and it never worked.

 

He was still confused, he was upset, so I said "do you need a few more days to think about this?" so he said yes, and off he went again, after I'd said lets see each other on wednesday, we can go out to eat. All his friends were telling him that he was a complete idiot, that he wouldn't find someone like me again, blah blah blah. 3 days later one evening I get a text saying "just wanted to send you a text to say I'm thinking of you, sleep well"... Fair enough.

 

 

Wednesday, we gor for drinks with his friends, while we are all sitting at the table he texts me a photo of us, saying "you're so beautiful", I'm happy, maybe thinking that he's going to choose me, someone is going to finally choose me. So we leave the bar, and he stops me and says "you're the right choice, I want to be with you, you make me happy, I love spending time with you, and leaving you would be the biggest mistake of my life". YAY, I was so happy, we got out to eat and have a really nice evening. We see each other all that week, go out a lot, all his friends say that he won't change his mind, that he's made his decision, but as the days go byn I can see something changing, he's not very close to me, doesn't hug or kiss me as much, I asked him a couple of times if something is up and he says no.

 

We start planning holidays this summer, this was NOT my idea. He was telling me that he had 2 weeks off and I asked what he had planned and he said "what do WE have planned", so including me in his plans. He says that he's going to bring his washing machine to my flat, that he's going to take a spare key.

 

 

On sunday, we go to eat at a friends house, he barely looks at me, doesn't touch me. I drop him off home before I go riding, before I go, I stop him and say "tell me what's wrong, I can tell something is up", he says nothing, he says he's going to come and stay at the flat that night. I get back from riding, wait for him to call, at 8 he calls and says he's tired, can we see each other another night, I say no I want to see him tonight, he says ok, so I go and pick him up because he didn't have a car that week. In the car I stop and say "right tell me what's wrong, I'm not an idiot and I can see you're not being truthful".

 

So he says that he doesn't know, that he's not always comfortable around me, that something is lacking from our relationship, that it won't work, that he doesn't have any feelings and he never will. We go back to my flat, I order sushi, we watch a movie, talk, I try to understand what I've done wrong, why Im falling in love with someone who doesn't give a **** about me... He stays the night, but refuses to touch me, in the morning I drop him off at work, I cry, a last kiss, I swear he was crying too, he says he's sorry, I say I'm sorry and thank you for making me so happy. Then I drive off.

 

 

A week and a half later I get a text saying that he's spent the evening with a friend of his, Philippe, and this friend had told him about a girl he'd been seeing, that he was falling in love with. Clement text me asking me if I was the girl Philippe was talking about. We talked for a bit and that's it.

 

 

He's always had a problem with this Philippe he was wary of him. I've always got on with him, we are friends that's all.

 

 

Philippe asked me if I wanted to play squash with him one evening, because he knew I was upset. I said yes, he text Clément to tell him because he didn't want to go around behind his back. Clément text ME straight away saying 'so you're being comforted by Philippe?! He wants to know if I mind him seeing you, I want to say yes" I text back saying, that we were just talking that's all and that he's lost the privilege of being able to tell me who I can or can't say when he left me" so he text back saying that he couldn't tell me what to do, but he could tell philippe that he didn't want us seeing each other, that he didn't want philippe trying to touch me.

 

So I text back saying that I didn't understand what the problem was, that he didn't have feelings for me and never had, so where was the problem. He replied that even though he hadn't been in love with me, he still had feelings and didn't want Philippe touching me. I replied that nothing would happen.

 

10 days on NC, then yesterday I get up feeling sad, put some music on, and get a text from him. Asking me how I am, I say I'm ok but miss him a lot, he says he thinks about me a lot, that if he'd gone clubbing friday he would have spent some time with me. THEN he asks me if I want to go for drinks with him tomorrow!! I mean WHAT? What is he playing at, he knows I'm in love, you don't offer that to some one 3 weeks after a break up do you? Is this normal??? What's he expecting? Friendship? More?

 

Please tell me what you think, so sorry it's so long!

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[youngnlove89]

In March I found messages on his phone, one was him talking to a friend, saying that he's seen his ex a few days before and that he was heartbroken because she just wanted to stay friends. Another was him inviting a girl for a drink and then saying "I'll drop you back home " and another was him writing to his brother saying "can you leave me the flat tonight I want to f*** Emy before I leave her". Anyway, I should have left when I saw those messages, but for some reason I didn't, because we got on so well, because I was happy with him...

 

I read that much and that was enough for me to conclude that you need to let this f.ck go. He is a loser. That should be intolerable. It's right there in front of you! He is a liar and a player. Don't you see that?

 

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

 

Is that what you think you deserve?

[aisuru]

Please allow me to spare you the two years I wasted on this same type of guy. Who did the same things this guy is doing.

 

RUN. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

 

It does not get better. Ever.

 

You will start to hate yourself for all the stalking you do and how it tears you up.

 

If you have to read their text messages, emails, etc then it's not a healthy relationship.

 

Please do yourself a favor and cut this fool out of your life. You deserve better.

[BrokenHeartsClub]

Take everyone else's advice here. From the sounds of it, this guy isn't even sure of what he wants.

 

Be strong and resist the urge to go out for drinks with him.

 

The ball is in YOUR court now, but you have a tough decision to make

(a) Do you want to let him back in and start with the head games again?

(b) Does he just want to make sure that you and Philippe don't spend any more time together?

 

I know its easier said than done, but this is one situation you need to walk away from. He needs to know that your not going to be there every time he wants to 'get back together'. I think he still needs time to decide what he truly wants.

 

Plus if your checking the phone already, no matter how good you get along, that trust has got to be there. Otherwise its just gonna manifest into jealousy later on down the road, and that stuff can just be a poison.

 

Stay strong. Keep your distance. Find someone more deserving.

[mammasita]

I'm with YNL89, I didn't even bother to read the rest of your post....it's all irrelevant. You saw the proof with your own eyes. Leave this guy alone.

[Zahara]

Anyway, I should have left when I saw those messages..!

 

And yet, you're still here asking what it all means.

 

OMG, he asked me to get a drink after 10 days! So? Doesn't mean squat.

 

He's not offering you anything, just a drink to reclaim some attention.

[sweetheart5381]

Take it from some of us that have been with "players"/"emotionally unavailable"/"narcissists" - these guys/girls get a kick out of watching your emotions bounce around all because of them. They reek of immaturity, in fact my 7 yr old daughter knows why it's wrong to manipulate another's emotions. These adults should too. Expect better from your partner.

 

It will not end until you put a stop to it. Kick this guy from the game he started with you As he falls off his pedestal you will see who he really is.

 

If he respected you (and himself) he would not toy with someone he supposedly cares about. That's the simple truth.

 

Let this fool go - believe me, there are plenty of good guys out there that would never, ever do this to anyone, especially you.

[Leigh 87]

Dude, he isnt even sure if he bas feeling for you!!!!!!!!

 

 

After a month, guys KNOW if their crazy about you (or not!)

 

It does not take this long forca guy to figure out if he really likes you

 

It does not take this long for a guy to figure out if he likes you enough to want to be exclusive with you and explore the possibility of a relationship.

 

At best this guy is using you for female company when there are no better options out there.

 

Yes he may enjoy talking to you. He might like you as a person. But he is just not into you insofar as romance band relationships are concerned.

 

Please learn to read guy's better. ... if they like you enough, they will make you theirs early on. Not not necessarily rush into a serious relationship within a month, yet they will be exclusive and they will make it clear that your the only girl they're interested in.

 

They will not zig zag and have feelings for 1 minute, only to 'not be sure' the next minute.

 

This guy is a jerk anyway. No decent guy strings a girl on when they are not that into her.

[TaraMaiden]

Do not speak to this idiot any more.

Block his 'phone number and go complete No Contact.

Do not engage with him on any level.

 

Oh, and if you want to go out with Philippine, you do precisely what you want.

he has absolutely no right whatsoever to talk to either you OR Philippine and demand he doesn't see you.

 

Tell him to go take a hike and jump in the river, because if he thinks he has any right to be so manipulative he is 'In Seine'...

 

I take it you're French...

 

next time he tries to contact you (normalement par texte) translate this, and send it:

 

Text Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account.

 

Oh il est con....

[Buns]

Thanks for all your answers....

 

I'm afraid to say, and I know that everyone will have a go at me... but..; I met him for drinks last night. We went to a bar together, and he said that he was pleased that we could be friends, tears came to my eyes, and I said "I don't know if we can be friends, I don't even know why I'm here".He went all quiet and said that he was sorry, that he thought that he's been clear in his messages, that he couldn't offer me anything more...

 

Anyway we left that bar, and went to meet up with some mutual friends in another bar. He kept looking at me, and I felt like my heart was breaking. I didn't want to leave until he left so I waited, and then he said "shall we go?" So off we went.

 

He apologized once again, saying that he thought he'd been clear, that he couldn't give me what I wanted, that maybe it was too soon to be friends... We were walking back to the car park, I was crying, I stopped in frontof my car, and he hugged me, and then kissed me. That's when I asked what he was playing at, why was he kissing me. and he said because he thought that it didn't feel like it was over between us and that this was our last kiss goodbye. I replied that our last kiss goodbye was when he left me that morning 3 weeks ago... We talked for a bit, he said he didn't want to give me any hope but that he'd be there for me if ever I needed him and I said "no you won't not in the way I need you to be" and so it carried on, then I started to kiss him again. I told him I didn't want to sleep alone that night and couldn't he come back with me, he said no, that it wasn't right, that I would be even more upset, that he didn't want to give me any hope. So I carried on kissing him and trying to convince him and in the end he gave in and we spent the night together.

 

Today I'm doing ok, not sure why... I should be devastated, but I'm ok....

[Zahara]

Today I'm doing ok, not sure why... I should be devastated, but I'm ok....

 

It's because you got your fix. In a few days reality will set in again and you'll be back to where you started.

[Buns]

It's because you got your fix. In a few days reality will set in again and you'll be back to where you started.

 

Ok you're right, I feel like c*** today... I have him and his brothers on facebook and I can see everything they do... It upsets me that he's out having a good time, whilst I'm sad thinking about him...

[TaraMaiden]

Block/delete him off facebook.

In fact, the best thing you could ever do, is this:

 

And quit being foolish.

Because if you let things like this upset you, it will never get better, if you agree to keep doing thisngs which will inevitably upset you.

[xo_dannie]

Girl, this guy is toxic for you. I've been in this situation before where my ex would send me mixed signals even though I was in pain. We went back and forth a lot and it just made things so much more worse. You have to do what it takes to get him out of your life right now so you can work on you and your own happiness. Move on, it's hard but when you do, who knows, maybe you guys will have another shot when he grows up and realizes what an amazing woman you are. It takes a lot of time.

 

Although hopefully by that time, he'll have lost his chance with you. Those text messages are horrible and he sounds like he's playing you like a puppet... Take control, don't let him have this power over you. Stay strong.

[Leigh 87]

Look, this guy is a jerk.

 

You have feelings from him, so please look at things from an "outsiders" perspective.

 

Pretend your looking at the situation as an outsider.

 

Your best friend has a guy who has done all this to her: he does NOT want her in a relationship, yet she knows she still wants him so he still calls her up and wants to meet for drinks, even though he is sure HE cannot offer her what SHE wants from him.

 

Now why would a DECENT guy, who is self aware, emotionally intelligent, and KIND, ask to have drinks with a girl who he knows VERY WELL still has strong feelings for him????

 

.....what would you think if your bests friends ex KNEW that your best friend still had feelings for him, and yet met her anyway for a drink knowing FULL WELL he would NEVER return her feelings.

 

Why would a guy want to keep a girl around who wants to be with ik, when he clearly does not want her?

 

Umm, let me see:

 

- for his own purely selfish purposes

- to make him feel good that he still has power over someone

-to get sex

-because he may very well enjoy being around you, but lacks strong feelings for you

 

I hope you can see this situation for what it TRULY is.

.........................

 

 

 

I kind and decent guy who you deserve, would not do this to you!

 

When a DECENT guy loses feelings for a girl and he KNOWS he will not end up with her, he leaves the poor girl because he WANTS HER to find a guy who CAN offer her what she wants.

[Buns]

I can't help thinking that he's a great guy and that he was just so lost but didn't want to hurt me... He didn't realise that meeting up would hurt me even more, he said that the evening I saw him, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me, that it was maybe too soon to go out for drinks, that he was sorry.

 

I wish he had been a complete and utter idiot, then I'd have a reason to forget him, but I feel like he's such a great person. I also feel like there must be a problem with me if he didn't have any feelings for me... I don't know, I'm so confused.

[Leigh 87]

I can't help thinking that he's a great guy and that he was just so lost but didn't want to hurt me... He didn't realise that meeting up would hurt me even more, he said that the evening I saw him, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me, that it was maybe too soon to go out for drinks, that he was sorry.

 

I wish he had been a complete and utter idiot, then I'd have a reason to forget him, but I feel like he's such a great person. I also feel like there must be a problem with me if he didn't have any feelings for me... I don't know, I'm so confused.

 

 

Honey, my ex saw a couple of hookers and talked to girls online to get validation.

I still think he was a wonderful person because he treated me well most of the time.

From an outside looking in, he looks like a complete idiot with no strength of character who is only interested in his own selfish needs.

 

I get that guys can really like and even LOVE a girl, yet do stupid things.

 

I also know that: we still deserve better than a guy who conducts himself poorly, even if they DID very well like or LOVE us.

 

Look, humans are complicated. Not all men who are jerks are terrible people. They just lack strength, integrity, and self control (among other attributes) that allow them to fully love and respect other people.

 

I know what it is like to feel loved and adores buy a person who SEEMS nice in general, but has very selfish and sick sides to him when he is in a relationship.

 

You have to be selfless to the one you love; some dudes are frankly, too selfish to reach the level of self sacrifice it takes to make true love work. Or love turn into TRUE love.

 

What I am trying to say, is that even seemingly great guys are not always wonderful in relationships and it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM; they need to sort it out or impose their poor behaviour on other women.

I have learnt to take more of a stand and demand more respect from men who seem nice yet do bad things to me. The fact they are nice does not change what they can do wrong.

[Buns]

I lost my dad end of january, that it why I think that I got so attached to this guy so quickly. He lost his dad too when he was young so I felt like we had a connection.

I took him out to restaurants, we socialized a lot and I often paid for both our drinks, cinema tickets and a couple of weekends away because he couldn't aford it... all I wanted was honesty and a bit of love in return.

 

I feeel hurt because I gave him everything I could, was loving, took care of him, and I didn't really get much in return when I think about it...

[Leigh 87]

I lost my dad end of january, that it why I think that I got so attached to this guy so quickly. He lost his dad too when he was young so I felt like we had a connection.

I took him out to restaurants, we socialized a lot and I often paid for both our drinks, cinema tickets and a couple of weekends away because he couldn't aford it... all I wanted was honesty and a bit of love in return.

 

I feeel hurt because I gave him everything I could, was loving, took care of him, and I didn't really get much in return when I think about it...

 

 

I'm very sorry about your loss. I'm very sorry to hear that. My own father is dying himself.

My exes mother passed away just before we got together. I took on her role as his primary carer.... I could see that he got super attached to ME due to his mothers recent passing.

He was so close to his mum, that once he became close to ME, I took on a very .... involved role in his life. We became unhealthily close.

 

Yet he was still a jerk to me in the end! And I believed that he loved me very much and still does. Just not... fully enough to quiet fight for a second chance with me.

 

Look, I think your ex at least needs to come full circle and date around, move on, and only THEN realise one day that hey, your all he really wants. After he has the chance to change for the right girl, he may find he doesn't change and loved you a lot all along.

 

Maybe this is truly his character and he will not change for another person.

 

In the end though, I can see that he has played with your emotions, albeit unwittingly.

 

My guy may revert back to his old habits with the next girls.

 

In the end, if he ever came back and said " Leigh 87, I was just the way I was, and in the end your the one I want to come back to after experiencing other people and realising what WE had was as close to true love as I can get"

 

Then if I was single, I would say " okay then, so you have tried other people out and have realised what you had with me is indeed special enough to want to on a new relationship with me"

 

I would ensure he would take steps to change.

 

.................

 

Do you see how it is simpler if we both just moved on, cut contact, and blocked their numbers so we could refrain from contacting them and stop them from drawing us back in?

 

Acting like they never existed and moving on entirely is the quickest path us to end the pain we are currently feeling.

 

It is the quickest way.

 

And then in the future, who knows or cares what will happen? If we commit to strict no contact for a few months, not only will we be FREE of this pain, but we will also not CARE if they come back.

 

I really wish you luck, it would awful to deal with your loss and also losing a guy that became everything to you after the loss.

 

I am going through the same thing although minus the death.

 

I am really sorry and wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but I do think you should read about successful NC stories on here so that you can see that it is literally the ONLY way for us to move on and get rid of this pain relatively fast.