tanstac Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I met a great guy thru a dating site about 3 months ago. He reached out, we clicked, and for several weeks we'd talk 4-5-6 hours several times a week. We met for coffee and were both happy that the chemistry and attraction we felt over the phone was definitely present in person -- we had a great time spending the day together. A few weeks later, he traveled to my city and we spent the weekend together -- again, just a great time, great conversation, all good. He has never been married (longterm relationship of 11 years, engaged, but it was best they never married) and I'm widowed (almost 6 years now after being with my late husband for almost 10 years). His previous relationship had 2 children when they met, and I have a son that is 10. He swore he'd never get involved with someone else with children -- he was always "Mom's boyfriend" even though they lived together for years -- they'd make a family decision, and he'd be undermined either by his gf or the kids' dad or both. Frustrating situation all the way around that ended 3 1/2 years ago. Because of the distance between us, we have really thrown our cards on the table. I'm 45, he's 49 and we've both been around the block. We've talked more in the last few months than some couples do in 6+ months -- very candid and direct. I'd like to be married again some day, and am looking for someone who will be able to step in as a father figure for my son some day. I'm not dating just for the sake of dating and have found, at this age, there are some men who simply don't want to be a dad. He's not that guy -- he and I both see the possibility of a future, and he's very clear about not stepping into my son's life until he knows that he can step in with both feet and do it right. He told me he never thought the perfect situation would cross his path -- a woman he cares about, great kid, no father figure in the picture every other weekend. But he'd also come to a point in his life, before we met, that he just figured he wouldn't have children or a family in his future -- and meeting me has changed that. At 49, he needs to decide is this something he can do. He wants it -- we've even talked about him moving in here next year when he's able to relocate to my city, should things continue to go well. He's cautious in that he doesn't want to be "that man" that breaks my son's heart. All of this contemplation has pushed him into his man cave and after his last visit here, he sort of went off the grid for about 10 days. We talked when he came out and decided that we can either jump in with both feet (which we decided wasn't best, especially given a child being involved), the 'sweep you off your feet' option which, with 3 1/2 hours between us is pretty tough, or we take things as they come, day by day, and see where we end up. We decided the third option was the best -- status quo -- monogamous, exclusive, slowly. He has a pretty busy work schedule and an odd schedule, one week on and one week off. He's used to being on his own, no one to answer to, if he wants to disappear or go camping for a few days -- he can and does. Very much a free spirit, but also very intelligent, grounded and stable. I'm a pretty independent woman -- who is also pretty plugged in (texting, Facebook, keeping in touch). He's so NOT that way - barely turns his phone on, isn't a big texter, etc. Drives me nuts I haven't heard from him about 2 weeks... I'm heading out of town next month, and when we talked a few weeks ago, the possibility of him coming along on the trip came up and it was something he was excited about, we talked about how it could work logistically (since my son will be there - we're cautious about the three of us spending time together -- that'll come in time), etc. I have a feeling it sent him back into his cave. He's been off work for a few days now, yet I haven't heard a word. He's probably off camping or visiting his mom or something-- but the lack of any contact -- it's just foreign to me. He's very Mars and I'm very Venus. My question is -- how long does one typically stay in their cave? He's a self-admitted cave man when he's contemplating life choices. But being a typical woman, I need contact and communication and *something.* He's a GOOD man, with a good heart. But I also don't want to be so patient that I turn into a doormat. Which I don't think is the case -- but when my friends ask me "hey, how's the guy" and I reply "well, I don't know, haven't talked to him in 10 days but I guess he's fine" -- I start to wonder -- at what point do I say "hey, enough of the cave..."
will1988 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 have you tried contacting him, or are you waiting for him to contact you? Who knows, maybe he thinks you are mad or something and is waiting for you to contact him, while you are doing the same thing. Something out of a romantic comedy. lol. anyway, for me, when I need my man cave time it is at most a day or two. Thankfully, I've never had to do that with my fiance. Actually, when schidt has hit the fan the past few months I've actually wanted to be closer to my fiance. Then again, I'm 25 and your bf is 49, so we are vastly different and I do not know how his mind works. However, 2 weeks of not talking to someone you supposidly love is kind of strange, IMHO. I would just contact him and see how things are going. You know, he might also have another relationship or even another family on the side and he uses camping, not being conected, and work schedule as a cover. For your sake I hope that is not the case, but his behavior is not normal. Good luck!
Author tanstac Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks... No, he's definitely single and available Because of where he lives (remote) cell service isn't reliable so I've sent some texts but haven't heard from him (not uncommon for them not to go through or, when they do, they go through 7 times, lol). Also, his phone is on roam so while I can call, he has to be looking at it to see it ring -- doesn't ring up there. Lots of challenges with communication -- but when we *do* connect, we have really good, solid, positive talks.
CarrieT Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Here are some of the things that popped out at me... Has he met your son? Have you guys started integrating more slowly with him yet? Because a TRIP where you guys (with son) will all be together 24/7 after only knowing him three months should be off the table. Children need a lot more time to integrate and have a new person introduced into their lives. I'm thinking a handful of meet-and-greets before he even spends a full day with the two of you and at least six months before a sleep-over. Think of your son - it sounds like you are taking this all way too fast for both of you (hence the retreat into the man-cave).
Author tanstac Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) He met him briefly when he picked me up for a date -- that's been the only interaction. In fact, when he comes down, he stays in a hotel - no sleepovers, nothing with the three of us. He'd drive with us on vacation -- about 4 hours -- and then my son would spend the rest of time with friends/family (I'm attending a conference for part of the trip). Then my son is going with his grandparents for 2 weeks while bf and I vacation for a few days and head home so no other interactions between bf and son -- we're being pretty careful about creating some distance there until it's more appropriate (months from now). We even talked about him riding his bike over but we'd like to travel together coming home so we figured the short drive over (with my son's head buried in a video game thru most of it) would probably be okay. No PDA, etc -- we're very careful about that stuff... Edited May 21, 2013 by tanstac
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