AJ1169 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I've spent the last few days reading threads about wives trying to deal with husbands that have gained weight or were fat from the start and aren't willing to deal with it anymore. "Tiredmomma" and "Jellyco" had a really great dialog back in Feb. I would qualify in both categories, I have been married for 14 years and my weight has been a struggle the entire time. It has been as low as 220 with a current high of 275lbs. For those that will ask, blood work is good, and BP is normal. After my last anniversary back in September we haven't had any sex, btw that night was a great fun night, dinner, drinks, hot tub, after that night is just turned off. She has never been one to initiate, so I have tried and tried and gotten rejected, get rejected enough and you stop trying. She basically shows me no affection, we have always slept in separate beds and now when I try to get in her bed she covers up or runs to the bathroom. Usually she nice to me but she continually berates me about my weight and is unwilling to make one compromise that would help me. I know she finds my body unattractive and this is likely the reason for no sex. Not having any physical intimacy has really started to weigh on me, I feel like taking off my wedding band and just leaving on her headboard. Background: I have always been big 6' tall 230lbs. as senior in high school, I played football and baseball and worked on family's farm. We worked hard and ate well, not a great diet but it was food on table. During college I basketball and softball a lot. When I met my wife I weighed around 245-250. I was still playing sports and active, I was power walking daily. She was runway model thin for her height 5'10" at 120lbs. Our only sore spot during our premarriage classes was my weight, she wanted me thinner. So all my efforts focused on this and I got down to 235 just before the wedding, I know I have the excel chart. Well before to long kids happen, will build a house, our lives get busier, I quit sports, I shift focus on the family, I am helping with babies etc. In 2009 I got up to 267lbs and the same joyless treatment I am getting now started. I got on a medical diet plan 1100 calories a day, with an intense AM cardio and free weights workout and got down to 220lbs. Which seemed to stay off while I was working out. When our kids entered school I had to give up my AM workouts because I have to drop off the kids at private school. At lunch I have to go home and let our dogs out, I have just enough time to make it home, make a sandwich and make it back in a hour. After work I pick the kids from latchkey, go to their sports or go home and get busy with dinner, yard, snow, or household tasks depending on the night. Sometimes by the time she gets from work I am ready for bed with our youngest. I currently see no opening in my schedule big enough for the workouts I need.
summerdowling87 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Well I kind of know what you mean in a different way. I'm a female 115lbs maybe 125lbs my weight goes up and down for some reason. I have a boyfriend who around much heavier than me. I have tried everything I can think of to let him know I find him attractive for years and years doesn't seem to work. I never said anything about his weight I even told him not to lose weight our intimacy is gone as well and he's a bad BF. And now I'm not really attracted to bigger guys like I used to be.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I'm just going to address the time for workouts: Make the time. If kids sports mean you don't have time to take care of yourself, then cut back on the kids' sports. Hire someone to do the yard work or snow removal (can the kids do it?). Get an exercise DVD (get Insanity!), and do it at home. The kids can work alongside of you, for fun, until they get bored and drift off to do something else. Good parents set a good example, and taking time for exercise is a good example. You shouldn't martyr your health so that they kids have more activities, or so that the yard looks good. Also, exercise gives you energy, so that you'll have more energy at the end of the day. 3
Author AJ1169 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I'm sorry your wife has such superficial tendencies But there are exceptions to every rule. As for me: I prefer a man over 230. If I wanted a skinny little lithe mate, I'd become a lesbian.... Well everything gets better when I am thinner, I am just having a hard time with her unwillingness to help. She pretty much can eat what she wants, but she has gained about thirty pounds, but I like the curves, its maddening having to watch her walk around the house in some cute clothes or just her robe knowing I am SOL. If I were ever to bring up her weight gain I am sure I would hear about having two children and we are talking about my issues, not about her. BTW, I did enjoy your comments in those other threads as well. Unlike many of the guys in those threads I don't think I eat that much. My endomorph body just likes to hold on to every thing I give it. The amount of cardio it takes to loose weight is 40-50min with shower and drive time its an hour min. everyday and its just not available. Financially I can't afford to get in the same program I used before, and with no work out I wouldn't try it. I started playing softball one night a week which created a HUGE scheduling nightmare, so now the kids have to stay with their grandparents until I get done or she gets out of work at nine.
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 The amount of cardio it takes to loose weight is... Stop doing ALL cardio and start a weight training program. Only weight training. Cardio is easily the most inefficient way to lose weight, especially if you have limited time. Even 20 to 30 minutes a day,4 or 5 days a week of high intensity weight training with heavy weight will work wonders. You can enjoy the occasional jog around the neighborhood or a pickup game of sports, but focus on the weight training. Treat it like going to work, so you never even consider skipping out. Make it part of your daily schedule, and don't let anything, or anyone, get in your way. Get up 30 minutes earlier than usual. That's all it takes. 1
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Of course my head is screaming that this is a fake thread with a fake story, but I'll play along for just a little while longer... I seriously question whether the wife is getting some action on the side. And this rather outlandish story makes me wonder whether women falling for a guy's personality without regard to physical appearance is even a good idea...it seems like situations like these might happen where the more attractive partner, i.e., the woman, withholds sex simply out of lack of physical attraction. So why the f*ck are they together in the first place? Does pride of choosing a man for his "personality" get in the way of a meaningful relationship? And does a situation like this lead to infidelity down the road...? Could these situations have been avoided had the woman been slightly more "shallow"...?
Author AJ1169 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I'm just going to address the time for workouts: Make the time. If kids sports mean you don't have time to take care of yourself, then cut back on the kids' sports. Hire someone to do the yard work or snow removal (can the kids do it?). Get an exercise DVD (get Insanity!), and do it at home. The kids can work alongside of you, for fun, until they get bored and drift off to do something else. Good parents set a good example, and taking time for exercise is a good example. You shouldn't martyr your health so that they kids have more activities, or so that the yard looks good Your not the first person that has told me that I should make the time, easier said then done. Kids aren't old enough for any substantial work, I have about three acre yard. There is no one else until 9:00 at night when my wife gets home. It was a HUGE argument to allow me to play softball one night a week, I let her pick the night and then she got scheduled to work that night which has me dropping the kids off at her mothers or they sit in the car and try to get their homework done. On non softball nights I pick them up from latchkey and head home I have to make sure homework is done, they have eaten, uniform clothes are washing. I set out a plate for my wife, run her bath and then put the youngest to bed, I read to him and usually fall asleep. I usually wake up a three AM to dogs that need to go out because I am the only one that will wake up. I crate the dogs and try to get back to sleep, usually I do until around five thirty then I get up and start the AM routine. Once everyone is fed, showered and dressed we head out. My wife has a forty min. commute so I drop the kids off just before eight at school and the across town for work. At lunch it back out to the house, let the dogs out, make sandwich and head back to work. Repeat I am not saying there isn't time, just who do I tell "no" I do get some exercise from softball, its fun and to be honest my ego needs the boost that it provides me, I am appreciated as a key player. I asked the wife to take the kids to school but then she hits the AM rush which makes her commute and hour and her late for work. The only real option is to leave the dog in their kennel's and workout at lunch here at work.
dichotomy Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 When our kids entered school I had to give up my AM workouts because I have to drop off the kids at private school. Get up earlier. Only way it has worked for me. Diet first (high protein, high veggies, low white flour and sugar), heavy weight lifting second, walking or jogging last. Measure results in your pant size and not on a scale. Oh - and loosing weight does not always help with sex in marriages. It could be that simple - but often its more. My weight has been up and down, and surprisingly when it was down it got worse.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Your not the first person that has told me that I should make the time, easier said then done. Kids aren't old enough for any substantial work, I have about three acre yard. There is no one else until 9:00 at night when my wife gets home. It was a HUGE argument to allow me to play softball one night a week, I let her pick the night and then she got scheduled to work that night which has me dropping the kids off at her mothers or they sit in the car and try to get their homework done. On non softball nights I pick them up from latchkey and head home I have to make sure homework is done, they have eaten, uniform clothes are washing. I set out a plate for my wife, run her bath and then put the youngest to bed, I read to him and usually fall asleep. I usually wake up a three AM to dogs that need to go out because I am the only one that will wake up. I crate the dogs and try to get back to sleep, usually I do until around five thirty then I get up and start the AM routine. Once everyone is fed, showered and dressed we head out. My wife has a forty min. commute so I drop the kids off just before eight at school and the across town for work. At lunch it back out to the house, let the dogs out, make sandwich and head back to work. Repeat I am not saying there isn't time, just who do I tell "no" I do get some exercise from softball, its fun and to be honest my ego needs the boost that it provides me, I am appreciated as a key player. I asked the wife to take the kids to school but then she hits the AM rush which makes her commute and hour and her late for work. The only real option is to leave the dog in their kennel's and workout at lunch here at work. While I don't agree (duh!) with how your wife is handling this, you're falling into the same trap that claims so many people with this issue. And that is this: You're presenting every reason why it can't be done. You're too busy. Your body holds on to everything you eat. Your kids are too demanding. Softball takes up too much time. Your wife doesn't support you. Yada, yada, yada... In this regard my friend, you're your own - and your body's own - worst enemy... Mr. Lucky 2
Author AJ1169 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Of course my head is screaming that this is a fake thread with a fake story, but I'll play along for just a little while longer... I seriously question whether the wife is getting some action on the side. And this rather outlandish story makes me wonder whether women falling for a guy's personality without regard to physical appearance is even a good idea...it seems like situations like these might happen where the more attractive partner, i.e., the woman, withholds sex simply out of lack of physical attraction. So why the f*ck are they together in the first place? Does pride of choosing a man for his "personality" get in the way of a meaningful relationship? And does a situation like this lead to infidelity down the road...? Could these situations have been avoided had the woman been slightly more "shallow"...? I am real, yes feeling real loneliness. Years ago the first time she started withholding sex I got into her email account and found that she had been emailing an old boy friend. There were some pretty harsh things said about me, similar to what were said in some of the other similar threads. "disgusting" and "gross" come to mind. I think she may have met him at some point but I don't know. I don't think she has had an affair unless its recent. Our anniversary was in September and everything seemed great then. Why did she pick me to marry, I was safe, hard working, a good provider and she hoped that I would change for her.
dichotomy Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I am real, yes feeling real loneliness. Years ago the first time she started withholding sex I got into her email account and found that she had been emailing an old boy friend. There were some pretty harsh things said about me, similar to what were said in some of the other similar threads. "disgusting" and "gross" come to mind. I think she may have met him at some point but I don't know. I don't think she has had an affair unless its recent. Our anniversary was in September and everything seemed great then. Why did she pick me to marry, I was safe, hard working, a good provider and she hoped that I would change for her. Ok - now we have an issue. She degraded you to a former lover? Then she MAY have met him? UNACCEPTABLE! You have not gone deeper into her emails, FB, or phone? - I would. But the fact that she called you gross to an ex ?
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) I agree that it is unacceptable for her to be degrading you to a former boyfriend. Awful The reasons not to work out just don't hold water for me. I've got kids; I know. If they kids are too young to do yard work, they are too young to need sports. Take back some of that time. Your wife can run her own bath, and make her own meal. She'd respect you more if you took care of yourself. Skip the bedtime story. I know! Sacrilege! Your kids get private school, help with homework, all sorts of extras--that bedtime story can be skipped. You need balance. Right now, you are giving to everyone, but not taking for yourself. It isn't just about your body shape. It is also about coming across as a strong, capable man! Right now, you probably come across like a beaten down dad, with no time to even work out. Take the time! Assert yourself! And good for you taking the time for softball! Edited May 21, 2013 by xxoo 3
therhythm Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Sorry to tell you but you are doing all this to yourself... I could never understand how people allow themselves to become fat, unattractive and unhealthy... If you want to improve yourself don't look for excuses and look for a good personal trainer that will make for you a good program to burn calories. Cardio is good for resistance but not necessarily good for losing weight by the way! You need to take some priorities in life and your own health needs to be one of the highest ones!
Feelin Frisky Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Of course my head is screaming that this is a fake thread with a fake story, but I'll play along for just a little while longer... .... Dude, why think that? It is so common. It's true. Perhaps you're looking at the others using yourself as the standard. Millions of people suffer not only obesity, but the social consequences of it to say nothing of the health risks. And no one who doesn't have the problem can give meaningful advice--it's easy to say do this or do that. But people with weight probllems are not stupid or devoid of information that a person who has never had a weight problem can simply tell them and they can just do it because before they were just ignorant and stupid until the thin person came along. They aren't you and don't live your reality. There are many couples even that are terribly mismatched where one has no weight problem but whose habits keep the other person exposed to food and/or drink which they have addictions and compulsions for. I used to see this girl who would say bring a six pack of beer with you when you come. She'd drink half a beer the whole night. I would wind up drinking the other five. If I didn't bring the six pack she's be annoyed. If I gained weight from drinking she's be annoyed. Which is it? The answer is, hey, we can't be involved with each other because I wouldn't even drink if I weren't accommodating her. I didn't need or want the beer. Indeed she was the stupid one for not adding two and two equals four. And if you were a heavy guy who worked your butt off to look great and attract a pretty girl like her, it's doubly upsetting that you have been set back when the relationship tanks and you're disconnected from the disciplined person you were before this period of eating and drinking with this g/f. She would make so much of our agenda too around eating. Before three months were into the relationship I had to stop wearing the fitted shirts that I loved that made me look like a million bucks. I felt awful in the fitted shirt and went out on my lunch our from work and bought a shirt just so I could breath. I know this story can't be just my experience. There has to be all kinds of bad mixes of people who just don't understand that eating and drinking for some are a life long struggle. To the OP, yep obese people need love too but it's seen as an off-putting flaw. Some women are far more about companionship and overlook some weight, but hotties, want hotties, and if that's what you want, you have to get hot and stay hot and kick them out if the don't understand that it's hard being you--a million times harder than it is for her to be her. And that's just how it is.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I usually wake up a three AM to dogs that need to go out because I am the only one that will wake up. I crate the dogs and try to get back to sleep, usually I do until around five thirty then I get up and start the AM routine. I forgot to mention this one.... Is there a medical reason your dogs need to go out at 3 am? Because most dogs will ASK to go out at 3 am, and will grow to depend on it if you let them. If these are normal dogs, put them in a crate in the evening and IGNORE them until it is time to go out. Be the man You may be surprised. Her lack of attraction may have less to do with the shape of your body (it doesn't sound like you were in shape when she met you), and more to do with general passiveness. 1
KyRose Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I would be more concerned about her degrading you to her former boyfriend. That, to me, is simply disgusting. I would not want her after that.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You need balance. Right now, you are giving to everyone, but not taking for yourself. It isn't just about your body shape. It is also about coming across as a strong, capable man! Right now, you probably come across like a beaten down dad, with no time to even work out. Take the time! Assert yourself! Bingo! AJ1169, maybe team sports are too time consuming. So run laps around that 3-acre yard while the kids play. Do push-ups on the family room floor while Dora is on TV. Get a chin-up bar for the door frame. Buy a treadmill at a garage sale (trust me, there's millions of them ). Get going... Mr. Lucky 1
Author AJ1169 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I forgot to mention this one.... Is there a medical reason your dogs need to go out at 3 am? Because most dogs will ASK to go out at 3 am, and will grow to depend on it if you let them. If these are normal dogs, put them in a crate in the evening and IGNORE them until it is time to go out. Be the man You may be surprised. Her lack of attraction may have less to do with the shape of your body (it doesn't sound like you were in shape when she met you), and more to do with general passiveness. Its not that they have to go out. They are crated in the garage, but their barking wakes me up. So I usually go and let them out they do their business I re-crate them and try to get back to sleep. As for passiveness you maybe onto something. I am really cautious about getting into arguments as I don't like my temper getting the best of me. She is much better at verbal debate so in most cases I just avoid confrontation as its nearly always turned back on me.
Author AJ1169 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks for all the comments. I working to adjust my schedule, I haven't found a opening as of yet but for now I am really watching the calorie intake. For now I am not dropping the team sports as its a great source of some positive ego boosting fun. Most likely why she was against it?
xxoo Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Its not that they have to go out. They are crated in the garage, but their barking wakes me up. So I usually go and let them out they do their business I re-crate them and try to get back to sleep.. My dog tried that for about a week. Ignored it, and forbade anyone in the home to acknowledge her barking at all. No positive reinforcement = behavior disappears. When you get up, you reward the barking, so it continues. They have you trained! 1
USMCHokie Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Dude, why think that? It has less to do with obesity and more to do with the way his wife treats him and how he allows her to treat him like that. It's shocking and discouraging that a man would allow himself to be manipulated and supplicated in the way he has. I'd find it hard to believe she wasn't getting play on the side.
Author AJ1169 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Dude, why think that? It is so common. It's true. There are many couples even that are terribly mismatched where one has no weight problem but whose habits keep the other person exposed to food and/or drink which they have addictions and compulsions for. I used to see this girl who would say bring a six pack of beer with you when you come. She'd drink half a beer the whole night. I would wind up drinking the other five. If I didn't bring the six pack she's be annoyed. If I gained weight from drinking she's be annoyed. I would say that you understand pretty well, my wife eats what she wants, giant ice cream cones just before bed with no concern for me. She has put on thirty lbs, and weighs a healthy 140-150, for her height its normal 5'11". As I said she was model thin when we got married. But as for health she gets tired out after working in the garden for an hour, I go cut and split wood, no log splitter for a day with no problem, I am tired but got the job done. For years I have complained that she has orchestrated her work schedule and commute on purpose.
Author AJ1169 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 It has less to do with obesity and more to do with the way his wife treats him and how he allows her to treat him like that. It's shocking and discouraging that a man would allow himself to be manipulated and supplicated in the way he has. I'd find it hard to believe she wasn't getting play on the side. When you have fought it on and off for 15 years you get tired, one of her major complaints is I don't talk to her enough, when at the end of conversation you or your actions are always the issue you decide to just avoid it all together. I am sure I am at fault with my attitude, but keeping our family together until my boys are grown is more important to me then my sex life.
USMCHokie Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 For years I have complained that she has orchestrated her work schedule and commute on purpose. Then you should have set it straight early on that this was an issue and worked it out with her. Or realized in her inability to compromise and communicate, that she wasn't marriage material. Lack of communication is the primary problem that should have been addressed long ago, not being overweight. Though being overweight is up there too.
Els Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Regarding the reversed genders - most of the time, when people have mentioned the partners being superficial, it is because they are overreacting to a minor amount of weight gain. Say going from 130 lbs to 150 lbs. In that case, yes, they are being superficial. In your case, you are 275 lbs. That is not minor. Unless you are built like The Rock, you are most likely obese. But you probably know that already. I think there are two separate issues here. The first being the way your wife is treating you. That is not right, especially if she has not had a mature conversation with you about your weight. In that case, it isn't a guarantee that losing weight will help with her. But it will help YOU. That is why you should do it.
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