Robert Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Posts that are directed at insulting the thread starter instead of helping her will earn an infraction. Let's keep the posts helpful and on topic, thanks 1
Artie Lang Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 i say you divorce. there is no way in h3ll you'll be happy in you marriage from now on. you'll be pining for this OM for the rest of your life and that is not fair to your husband. you might not be cheating on your husband if you should decide to stay, but your heart will always belong to another another person.
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 findingnemo....he says he will go to therapy for it but he has said this for two years and has never once made an appointment....I guess I am just refusing to see that he will not change and I am still holding onto some whispy hope that he will but as much as I say I stay for comfort, I WANT him to be the one that can give me everything but he isn't and I can't seem to face that.... It's time to really lay it out on the line at home with your husband. I mean be completely honest, don't hold back. You love him but there are a slew of problems that are not being dealt with on both sides. I'm sure there are issues he has with you as well but figures it's easier and safer just to stay quiet, not rock the boat and go on. And you handled it all by going outside of your marriage. Both of you need to sit down and talk it out - Openly, and respectfully together decide what it is you both want, whether it's to go to marriage counseling or divorce. Or maybe have an open marriage. How things are now isn't working. And, you can't stay married because you like your lifestyle. Things happen in life that is totally out of our control - An accident, an illness, a house fire, a loss of a job, a death - That can influence a lifestyle immediately and changes have to be made, so when it comes to wealth, don't stay married JUST for that reason, that you're afraid to live below what you're used to. Do you want to stay married, give it your best with your husband on board and the two of you doing marriage counseling? Obviously you two loved one another enough to get married years ago, right? What changed? Why did you both let life get in the way? Fight hard if you want him back. If you don't, then divorce and let him go so he can find love and happiness with someone else and you can pursue your OM, your ex from your past. 1
2sunny Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I'm with the camp that suggests a few days away on your own - take quiet time to listen to your inner voice - then make a decision and stick with it by taking action based on your decision. You'll know what seems right for you - but listen carefully. And try those few days away without being interrupted and distracted. Best to leave the phone and computer at home. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 The correct response to having your "basic human needs" neglected is to divorce, not to have an affair. Your conduct so far comes across as selfish and cowardly. You seem to be enjoying the best of both worlds: your lover's body and your husband's financial support I don't think you respect your "great" husband. If you truly love your husband, you'd stop hiding the truth from him. You'd tell him I've been having sex with another guy because of your sexual inadequacy. Then you'd let him decide whether he wants to keep a cheating wife. Please develop some moral backbone, stop the deception, and pick a man. Your husband isn't just there to maintain your nice lifestyle. Respect him as a human being who deserves to know whether his wife is cheating.
Mnogomnogo Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 lovie, I'm reading this thread and reading through enraptured; I'm the separated/divorced single om. I've been with MOW for over two years. I'm in love with her and my heart still goes pitter patter when I see her beautiful smile. She's expressed to me the same issues about their sex. they don't have children, but it's problematic on her side. She wasn't ever faithful to him sexually in the six years of marriage. also, he is 8 years her junior. Just had dday last Thursday, and to complicate things she is out of town. H has had days alone with his friend to uncover everything. I think they used spyware on her phone. I'm spinning. I'm in emotional vertigo. I'm in love and I feel like my lover could just disappear overnight. I'm anxious, excited and scared at the same time. haven't slept more than 5 hours in two nights. I've been having lc with her and just two calls since. It's so hard to comprehend. I'm extraordinarily intrigued to know more about your situation. It's so very similar to mine own. I'll share with you this wisdom by Confucius; no choice, no problem. your only problem is you don't want to make choices. one option I haven't seen expressed, and it's quite radical: have your two men meet and talk it out. they'll both see so much clearer and probably make the decision for you.
Mnogomnogo Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 She initiated divorce 4 years ago but has refused to finalize it in any way. I've been through 3 attorneys, no mas! I've begged the judge. the reason I'm in this situation is that I'm not really free as much as I'm ready and really willing to be. I love my kids. she's really got me there. the more I detach from her the more she detaches me from the kids (won't answer her phone so I don't speak to them, or see them until it's my weekend)
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Lovie, first I would like to say that I am sorry that you are in this situation. While I don't think the affair was the answer to your problem, I can understand how you got to this situation. I know this thread has been tough to read at times, but even the ones that have not been kind have gotten you to discuss the things that you did not want to reveal. This is a tough situation, but if you could step back from the situation and reread your own words, I think you will find your answer. Besides the things your husband can provide, he is someone that you do care about and wanted the relationship to work. If you had known then, what you know now, you would not have married this man. You can't blame him for his physical limitations, but his cancelling appointments is something else. Also, while he may have certain limitations there are many other things he could have done physically and other acts of affection that have nothing to do with sex that he can do everyday for you (touching, hugs, kissing, etc). Like Owl, I won't tell you to divorce your husband, that has to be your choice, but I will tell you there is no easy way. If you make that choice then get your legal and financial affairs in order and pull off that band-aid as quick and painlessly as possible. As for the other man, I would end that relationship as it currently exists. I would date other folks for a while to gain perspective. This may lead you back to him, but I kind of think that you find yourself going in a new and better relationship. You may not be a perfect person, but if this board only allowed perfect people than none of us could participate. While you may have made mistakes I think that you are a good person at heart and wanting a full life is something that we all want in life. I don't think folks understand how tough it was for you to come on to the board and pour your heart out to folks. I recommend you put on your best walking shoes, take a good long walk and have a serious conversation with yourself and decide what you need to do and then just do it. Best wishes to you.
xJonnyBlakex Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't mean to be harsh, but coming from a recently BH. What your doing is a complete selfish act, and it doesn't sound like you love your husband. Having an affair on your spouse for any reason isn't love, if you truly love someone you never want to see them hurt especially from you. Just like if you have kids your not going to let any harm come to them because you truly love them. It shouldnt be any different with your spouse in my opinion. Whatever your reasons are, if your husband isn't satisfying you then that's something you have to continuously work on and if he doesn't want to change, and you feel like it's no way you can put up with that then you leave him. Don't tear his world apart by having an affair. It also sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. My wife did the same exact thing. She carried on her affairs while still trying to hold on to me because I was her security blanket. What your doing is completely wrong all the way around and you need to either leave your husband or stop the affair. I don't have any sympathy for people who cheat during their marriage
smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Best of luck, Lovie. I'm torn between two men too (not in the same way) and I know it sucks. Reading your thread has been edifying, and I like your analytical approach. Much of the advice both you and I have suggests that the third choice is best. I honestly feel those people might be right, however much it sucks contemplating losing (even temporarily) two people who are so important. I just wonder if either of us will have the strength to follow up on it though...
BeholdtheMan Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 This thread should be retitled "I love neither man...I love myself" 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 OP Your husband is poor at handling issues you say. Poor sap may have convinced himself you are now invested in the marriage. End the deceit - tell him you have sex with the other guy and can't choose. Then you will find you don't need to choose - events will get you off the fence one way or the other. No good reason for delay - do it now. Right now. This second. Then you can all move on.
Jambrivt Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You don't love your husband. If you did you would never have betrayed him. Your wedding vows went as and I quote" For better or worse" right? Not "For better or until my hot ex boyfriend comes along and I can convince myself that it is somehow the fault of my hubby so I can get my rocks off with some hot new sex". Lying obviously comes easy to you. Words flow from you but mean nothing. It is easy to type or say you love him. It was also easy for you to say meaningless words on your wedding day. We see how far that went. Pffttt! Divorce your husband. Don't do it for you (even though we know you will be since you are so damn selfish) but do it for him. He deserves a chance to find a decent, loving woman who will show him with actions her love, not by fake, meaningless words. You don't know the first thing about love lady. Lust and cheating is your forte. Not love. I would love to fast forward and see your life in 5 years. Something tells me I would get a good laugh out of it
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