I love two men....one being my husband....

[pteromom]

I'd recommend a vacation alone with your thoughts. A longer one, not just a long weekend, a week or so. Don't take a lot of books or movies, don't take friends, just go be with yourself and your thoughts. Take some notebooks to make pro/con lists... maybe some music.

If you have to check in with either, schedule it and other than that, just be in contact with YOU for a little while and see how you feel after a couple days.

 

This is a great idea. I 2nd.

 

lovie, do you have children? If so, I would do EVERYTHING you can to try to reinvest in your marriage, even if it means an open marriage or some kind of alternative arrangement.

 

If you do not, I would go ahead and take the chance of leaving and trying with your OM. Just as you deserve to be loved the way you want, your husband also deserves a faithful spouse even if he has ED and sexual issues.

[Lovie18]

And yes he needs help, yes he needs to go to a therapist (as do I, which I have taken the step to do so) and a doctor but I cannot force him to. He acknowledges it finally which is a step in the right direction but it's taken 6 years. Yes I would LOVE if it worked out for us, but I can't change him and I also can't blame myself forever for going about things the "wrong" way. I do realize that if something is going to happen, I need to make it happen. For me really, it's also stings that I didn't seem to matter enough to go get help before. He has expressed that it is embarrassing and I can understand BUT deal with embarrassment over seeing a professional that deals with that kind of thing all the time or ignore the needs of your wife....you are all calling me selfish but did you ever think that because of his selfishness I had to choose to be selfish as well?

 

Also to those who suggested an "open marriage", no, I do not want that. I want one relationship, one good, healthy, happy relationship, that's why I was trying to choose. I did not want to cheat, it happened because I was very weak and I can't take that back, I can only move forward and try to find a better way to be.

 

As for questions on the “lover”, let’s get something straight for a very long time, yes it was more or so about the passion and sex BUT unexpectedly it has grown into much, much more. He has become my best friend and when I said he has made me want to pursue dreams and a better life, I didn’t mean necessarily because of him, his friendship and love helped me find more of myself and I startrf to look at life differently. Love is not always conventional, it doesn’t always happen in this fairytale way but regardless it is love. I do know the difference between infatuation and love, because I was very infatuated with him for a while, this is different. People ask what man wants to break up a marriage, yeah in the beginning he admits he didn’t care and he got involved for the wrong reasons again it goes back to we all have flaws, we all mess up, the point is to try to learn and grow to a better version of one’s self, that’s what I am trying to do and he is doing the same it's just at this point he cannot help that he is in love and wants to be with me. He does give me my distance and he does not want me to leave because of him and it wouldn't be....it would have to be for me.

 

I want my husband to be happy, I do! He knows of my affair and yet he says he wants to remain married with the understanding that I will let this other man go and that is why I am where I am at. I am trying to figure out if I should really make this marriage work OR give the OM a real chance OR just start over without both of them which is hard because I love them both very much. BOTH are aware of one another and BOTH want me to make a choice and I want to make a choice….that’s why I reached out, because I am confused and I am grateful for ALL of the advice. I just don’t quite understand some of the negativity, I am guessing mostly it comes from people’s own internal pain and anger. But we need to be more understanding of others, all of us struggle and all of us do wrong, just in different ways, doesn’t make one way worse than the other. That kind of comparison doesn’t get you anywhere. “Well at least I didn’t do that bad of a thing….” doesn’t make it any better.

 

So ok if anything this has given me a lot of perspective. In the end I want everyone to have peace and happiness and while I am not proud of what I have done, if it brings everyone to where they really should be, if it can make my husband and I stronger or put me on a better path in life, with or without OM then it all has purpose. I know some of you will be angry at me for saying that, but where does that anger get you? And how does striking out at me make your situation better?

[Lovie18]

This is a great idea. I 2nd.

 

lovie, do you have children? If so, I would do EVERYTHING you can to try to reinvest in your marriage, even if it means an open marriage or some kind of alternative arrangement.

 

If you do not, I would go ahead and take the chance of leaving and trying with your OM. Just as you deserve to be loved the way you want, your husband also deserves a faithful spouse even if he has ED and sexual issues.

 

I agree that it is a good idea but I fear my husband will assume I am with OM. I can't risk that right now. And NO I do not have children. He wants kids but I told him I refuse to bring them into our marriage until we have worked out our issues. And yes despite his issues, he DOES DESERVE a good woman who will love him completely but here is the thing, if he doesn't address these issues with me, he will eventually have to address them with another woman unless he finds a woman that has the same intimacy issues. It took me 5 years to break but I am pretty certain most women would have slipped way before that. He needs to understand it's a priority in MOST relationships. I didn't get married to have an awesome roommate. He is a wonderful guy BUT he still needs to understand what a woman needs and wants, otherwise he'll end up in the same situation with another woman.

[Jonah]

Haha! You are so stuck! What do you do? Hurt a guy that has done everything he can in faith? Do you have the courage to nuke his world even though you know he really doesn't have a wife? Yes, sex is important... the pain of unfulfillment is quite real and this is where your needs brought you. But here you are! Will you jump the cliff in faith? Or stay in your comfort zone... which ain't so comfortable for the deception. (are there kids involved? I might have missed that) All that said... Ain't it grand to be alive and feel all these intense emotions! You got a good thing going darling. Best keep it like it is and be satisfied.

[Jonah]

I did not want to cheat, it happened because I was very weak and I can't take that back,

 

This is inaccurate: "Can't take that back"... is misleading as you are "keeping it". If it was over then maybe, as immature as it sounds, you could say "can't take it back". But no, if you are keeping it so "can't take it back" makes no sense at all. It's just words you are using to justify your continued affair with yourself. Even if you could, would you? If it came to be that you were to explain this to your H, "can't take it back" would be a line that would really stick in his craw. It's a cheap teenage mentality "cop-out" line and it doesn't mean anything. This is it right here, You want to enjoy the thrill of an emotional and sexual relationship with another man and you are doing just that! I'm not saying that's right or wrong, it's just the strait up fact and it helps to keep things clear.

 

You go take off with this old flame, with your H out of the picture much of the thrill will quickly fade, reality will set in with new sets of problems... and joys. But betcha you would never stop missing your almost perfectly good husband. Everyone has problems. You would just be trading in a set of known problems for a pile of unknowns.

 

I wish I could say that I was sorry that you are hurting. But it sounds like you are having quite the whoopty good time! In bed that is!

[Lovie18]

She won't answer this even though its good advice. How could she possibly be on her own for a few years? She needs a man so much that she needs two.

 

Ugh....yeah, yeah, yeah. If you actually read some of my responses amaysngrace you would have read that being on my own without either one is absolutely an option I am looking at, ok?! Maybe I wasn't clear in my first entry but I am new to this and wasn't aware that I had to list every thought pattern I had on the issue in the first post....one of you mentioned that if I am looking for answers as to who I should choose then I am on the wrong forum. I totally get that now. I was in a tailspin with my emotions so I panicked and went looking for answers because I do not want to involve people close to us, that’s too much pressure on them so I thought I could get some insight here. Luckily I am for the most part, but some of you jesus, I get the feeling you have been royally f**ked over but there does come a time where you need to take some responsibility on why your relationships didn’t work out and stop blaming CHEATERS….there was something that caused the CHEATING. Is it right? NO but obviously VERY HUMAN and not going away anytime soon just because you think it’s wrong. Do yourself a favor stop being angry at the cheaters in the world and start doing something productive to get over being “scorned”. Do you think I want to hurt two good people?! Is what I am doing, “right”? OF COURSE NOT! BUT both of them are aware of the situation and I continually tell them they are better off without me right now until I know what I want BUT THEY CHOOSE to stick by me! Believe me I have tried to let them both go but they come running after me and yes, I get that it’s not healthy for them to do so, so they have to work on why they allow it BUT my gosh people you act like everything is so black and white, there is a ****load of GRAY! Yes I can find a way to be alone and without them but again that’s DAMN HARD….some of you come off as Superwoman, but come on, tell me you have always done the BRAVE thing?

I am NOT AFRAID of being alone, I just love them….goodness! I can take care of myself just fine, I have for years without depending on a man. And there was a comment about don’t take his money, blah, blah, blah….I had no intention of that, that is why I was contemplating was I ok with not having much if I left H. I know that it would be MY CHOICE and I know that I HAD the affair so of course I wouldn’t walk out with his money. I made a mistake but I am not a monster….

[Owl]

OK...again...stop trying to respond to every perceived post against you.

 

Ignore those for now. FOCUS.

 

Focus on the advice and suggestions you're getting here.

 

You said you want to figure out which relationship is better for you. Fair enough. You've been given advice on how to go about that. Heck...I think that somewhere inside of yourself, you've already made a decision, you just don't want to truly sit down and work through the consequences of that decision...you dread the process of ending a relationship with either man to the point where you simply don't want to take up the effort to do so.

 

I don't think you need 'space' or 'time' to sort this out. You already know what you want. You just haven't wanted to admit it...perhaps not even to yourself.

 

So...do it now. What do you want? Which man is the one you're going to keep in your life forever, no matter what?

 

Answer that question with whichever name first popped into your head...it's the one you'd already chosen.

 

Now...make it happen.

[leonine]

Lovie, you're starting to get defensive. It's understandable that you might feel attacked, but there is a lot of good advice in this thread for you. You will get the most out of this place if you try and take each response for what it is, take what you can use and leave the rest. Take a deep breath before you post. :-)

 

I'm a former WW and I've found a lot of support here. No one is going to be able to tell you what you should do though. Only you know what matters to you and where your limits are. It sounds like you've reached them with your husband though....

[Lovie18]

wow...

do you have any idea why he may be like that? Was he like that before you got married, or is it something that happened afterwards?

 

Does he have some sort of issue with his nervous system ( not being snide...but some people who have a physical issue with their nerves can get like that... a touch can be excruciating, like fire)...was he abused or molested as a child? I know it may be pretty far out there, but is there any possibility that he's gay?

 

It just sounds so strange...most men like to be touched...

 

Yes it was a problem before we were married, but I was naive about it. I loved him so much and figured he just needed to get used to a woman's touch. I was his first serious girlfriend (he only slept with a lot of women and was very cold about it, yes I realize the irony that he used to be a man whore but can't have sex with his wife) so I did feel like I had to be patient and "teach" him. We broke up briefly before we were married because it got to be too much. BUT he came back into my life telling me he had changed and I believed he had but as soon as we became married, he went back to his old ways, not as bad as before but still pretty distant regardless. He blames it on his upbringing. His mother passed away when he was 5 (which I believe affects things) and his step mother was very cold and never affectionate soooooo I understand and again for years I was patient and tried to help but I cannot truly help if he won't let me and he doesn't get the professional help he needs. He says he will but he has said that for the past last two years. It's not a nerve thing, he believes it's emotional and he told me when he got a physical that his testosterone levels were normal, I don't know this for fact but i imagine he would rather admit it was that, than emotional. I have asked him many times if he might be gay, not in a mean way but in a way where I was just trying to understand....he insists he is not but many people think otherwise. It is very strange and confusing and hurtful and that is why I can’t begin to understand why people don’t see why I broke and made some mistakes. If we could only walk a mile in someone’s else’s shoes. I wanted to stay, I wanted him to want me, I wanted it to work but I also could stand not being touched by the one I loved. Yeah guess what? I am weak because I wanted to feel wanted by my husband….god forbid….I just needed to feel wanted but I didn’t want to necessarily leave my husband, I know that’s terrible but really?? Tell me you wouldn’t be confused….

[Lovie18]

Lovie, you're starting to get defensive. It's understandable that you might feel attacked, but there is a lot of good advice in this thread for you. You will get the most out of this place if you try and take each response for what it is, take what you can use and leave the rest. Take a deep breath before you post. :-)

 

I'm a former WW and I've found a lot of support here. No one is going to be able to tell you what you should do though. Only you know what matters to you and where your limits are. It sounds like you've reached them with your husband though....

 

I'm not trying to get defensive but of course it hurts when you already feel like a douche lord and some people only confirm this for you....I know they don't know me and the whole situation, I know there is some good advice on here but yeah of course it's going to sting to be reminded that you are hurting people....

[Lovie18]

OK...again...stop trying to respond to every perceived post against you.

 

Ignore those for now. FOCUS.

 

Focus on the advice and suggestions you're getting here.

 

You said you want to figure out which relationship is better for you. Fair enough. You've been given advice on how to go about that. Heck...I think that somewhere inside of yourself, you've already made a decision, you just don't want to truly sit down and work through the consequences of that decision...you dread the process of ending a relationship with either man to the point where you simply don't want to take up the effort to do so.

 

I don't think you need 'space' or 'time' to sort this out. You already know what you want. You just haven't wanted to admit it...perhaps not even to yourself.

 

So...do it now. What do you want? Which man is the one you're going to keep in your life forever, no matter what?

 

Answer that question with whichever name first popped into your head...it's the one you'd already chosen.

 

Now...make it happen.

 

OWL...you are VERY, VERY right....THANK YOU. I do believe I know....it's just very scary territory to make it happen.....but obviously i am ready to make something happen or else I would just allow it to continue as is.....Thanks again.

[findingnemo]

Lovie,

 

Obviously this is a huge problem and it has been going on for years. It will not get solved today. I sense that you are at your wits end and that some of the responses are making you more stressed. I suggest that you stop responding and read other threads or even posts already made here. Whatever you do, please calm down.

 

When you are feeling more relaxed, respond to posts you find helpful and ignore those that aren't. There's lots of great advice. Take what makes sense and leave the rest.

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aliveagain]

Your a train wreck waiting to happen, unfortunately you are going to take your family with you, one way or another. At some point the guilt will effect you, it may be subconsciously for now but my experience with women that have cheated on me is it always happens, turns out their soul mates poop stinks too. Whatever made you think you could fix the problems with your marriage or yourself by bringing a predator into it, the time your spending with your OM is healing time that you took from your husband and child? Why don't you give your husband the opportunity to decide if he wants to share you with another man? What if your worrying over nothing, what if this is an absolute deal breaker for him? That would take one decision away from you. Give him the opportunity to find someone that will love him while he is still young enough to start over, maybe start a family with her. I think he should have the same right to find happiness as you have. Remember, the man your so connected to is helping you destroy your family, you both own that forever. Only one person doesn't know what is going on, make a decision.

[Owl]

OWL...you are VERY, VERY right....THANK YOU. I do believe I know....it's just very scary territory to make it happen.....but obviously i am ready to make something happen or else I would just allow it to continue as is.....Thanks again.

 

I'm glad my advice may have helped.

 

I wish the best for all three of you in your situation. Regardless of whom you choose, I hope that things turn out well eventually for all of you.

[Lovie18]

Your a train wreck waiting to happen, unfortunately you are going to take your family with you, one way or another. At some point the guilt will effect you, it may be subconsciously for now but my experience with women that have cheated on me is it always happens, turns out their soul mates poop stinks too. Whatever made you think you could fix the problems with your marriage or yourself by bringing a predator into it, the time your spending with your OM is healing time that you took from your husband and child? Why don't you give your husband the opportunity to decide if he wants to share you with another man? What if your worrying over nothing, what if this is an absolute deal breaker for him? That would take one decision away from you. Give him the opportunity to find someone that will love him while he is still young enough to start over, maybe start a family with her. I think he should have the same right to find happiness as you have. Remember, the man your so connected to is helping you destroy your family, you both own that forever. Only one person doesn't know what is going on, make a decision.

 

Just want to be clear that there are no children involved. We do not have kids. And he already made it apparent that he does not want to share me. And believe me I want him to be happy too.....but I have been honest with him and he still wants to stay and make it work...it would have to be my choice to leave because he will not but he also doesn't want to put the work in....so I have to put my big girl pants on and make the choice for us.

[Lovie18]

Really truly thanks for all your advice and support, especially OWL, LFH, findingnemo and frozensprouts. Again THANK YOU!

[Lovie18]

It sounds like you already know, deep down, what is the right thing for you to do....either way, someone is going to end up hurt....but

 

The short term pain of ending may be the start of long term happiness for all three of you...

 

 

Well said and I do believe this....thank you.

[HonestNeurotic]

My "story" may or may not help you. Please know I'm not casting any judgments nor asking for acceptance of my behaviours.

 

I'm older (53), I've already HAD my children, my family. I say that because that puts me in a different place than where you are now.

 

I am in my second marriage. My husband is very asexual. Just doesn't want sex! It's always been that way. He is affectionate towards me. All his parts work just fine. He's just not into it. It's kinda rare, I know, but that's just who he is. We're both rather emotionally distant super nerds. I THOUGHT that I would be okay with it - the no sex part. I was getting older and then I had an undiagnosed thyroid disorder that wreaked havoc on all of my being to the point where I was almost in a coma. Killed my sex drive. Long story short - I got better and it came back. I needed the sex.

 

I picked a MM that had no children and that lasted for 4 years. The sex was so so at best, but he was "safe". He was a serial cheater, and I knew that he wouldn't fall in love with me or anything and I enjoyed spending time with him. I/we ended it as he was moving onto his next OW.

 

THAT - was an affair. My husband does not know about, nor will I probably ever tell him. That said - some time goes by and I want the sex. Not just the act but all the stuff that goes with it. Kissing for hours. THAT. I had an overly active sex drive and lots of sex before I met my now husband. My first husband of 17 years was a twice a day man at LEAST. I was just not in love with him. I looked and looked for sex and love - and it just never came. I dated a lot but never MM. I met my "equal" in everything else BUT sex with my now husband. I so treasure him.

 

So - I am looking for a MM to have sex with. I figure that a MM is much safer as he would have his own life/wife to deal with and would not fall in love and want a "real" relationship. I never dated work people when I was single and in fact don't really do a lot of socializing at work anyway as I work in a very conservative type atmosphere and am truly a "hippy chick" in my castle. They would frown upon me if they really "saw" who I was. N E WAYZ - I find AM and after months of going round and round find my now MM.

 

I talk to my husband about this problem I have with the lack of intimacy. SEX. He's cool with the open marriage. But it's still very much "don't ask, don't tell." He rather thought I had maybe been sleeping with my girlfriend as I kinda said I was with HER when I was with Boat Guy. He's cool with it. But at the same time, it still is kinda secret.

 

So - the MM I "picked", and yes, I did choose him and it took a very long time - I sincerely wanted something that would last at least a few years. Then BAM - this dude has fallen in love withe me. I "feel" like I am in love with him, but I'm also very aware that I'm not. I tell myself over and over that it's the dopamine from kissing. Though I've never had that kinda reaction in all of my escapades while single and dating. I had some great sex but definitely no love connection.

 

So now - I am in "love" with two men! I can deal with it as it is - however, I am most certain that it cannot remain as it is. I can sense that MM might really want me to run off with him into happily ever after land all to himself. That sounds mighty fine to me some days - but see, I KNOW myself. I also know that he really doesn't know all of me. I'm far more eccentric than he perceives. I am sure that he is in love with who he thinks that I am - though I've never lied to him, surely the secret nature of our relationship deems that he can never really know me.

 

And I sincerely have long term plans and goals with my husband. We are working on moving to Easter Island permanently. It's a HUGE dream and a lot of work to raise the funds to do that. I'll never leave my Ken Doll. Ever. I am also most discreet in my affair with MM so that does not reflect on my husband - i.e. "look at his wife running around on him, poor guy, does he know". It's too hard to explain to other people that hold different value systems about sex and love why it's okay.

 

Because I successfully had a sex only "affair", I rather thought this wouldn't be so difficult. Alas, it has me flummoxed. So I understand where you are coming from, hence I wrote all this long diatribe. (I type phenomenonally fast) I also have grown children, my current husband has none nor ever wanted any. This makes a HUGE difference in what you decide as having the responsibility of raising happy little humans is a BIG one. They will know if you and their father are not happy.

 

My advice is to live on your own for awhile. Find out what YOU really want. FWIW - as always, take what you can and leave the rest.

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunate. You have said your H is now willing to make changes. But in spite of this and your previous decision to betray him, I suspect you'll now choose to leave your vows in the dust again when you had a chance to right your wrongs. Now your good husband will be both betrayed and divorced.

[findingnemo]

Honest,

 

What a unique situation! People don't like to talk about "odd" arrangements but they happen all the time. A French couple I know has the same kind of agreement. The W has no interest in sex and in a single conversation that happened years ago she "allowed" her H to wander. He loves her very much and ensures that she never knows with whom he has slept and when.

 

Those are two people who, to me, clearly prove that a family is much more than the R between man and wife. As a friend of both of them, I am not allowed to know about his dalliances. And that suits me just fine. Bottom line is that they communicated, identified the problem and agreed on a solution. Practical way to deal with a potentially devastating problem.

 

I know of another couple here who decided to help themselves have children. The man couldn't and so arranged for his best friend to er....you know. IVF and such procedures were not available at the time. There are no problems that I've heard of and the "kids" are all adults and married with their own kids! It's a bit of a legend here.

[Act Two]

I've been in your shoes. I'm not a betrayed spouse, but I was trying to decide between two men for a long time. It is a nightmare that I'm still not out of, even though both relationships are over. It's a nightmare in the making for all three in the triangle, but of your own choosing (not your husband's).

 

I'm going to give you the same advice BetrayedH gave you. Don't throw him overboard for OM. He's a fantasy right not and you can't evaluate that relationship in the light of day. As he said, the butterflies will stop fluttering and he will annoy the crap out of you too, and then you will be left with your own emptiness that you started with (oh and I GET trying to fill that emptiness), but with a whole lot of wreckage too.

 

Put everything into your marriage without the affair. Tell your husband you cheated and try to work on that relationship. If that relationship fails, then it fails after you gave it your all.

 

You are not giving your all right now to either, so you will lose your own self respect and integrity and can never know if you made the right decision.

 

You will be a much stronger person if you do it this way and can regain integrity and authenticity.

[ComingInHot]

lovie18,

To be honest, I've only read "most" of the first page.

 

From your intro post, you sound torn, dissatisfied, conflicted, a weeeee bit arrogant. (I don't mean that as insulting, I promise*)

 

If you REALLY feel You have Tried EVERYTHING to get that spark back and have both your needs and the needs of your H met, maybe it IS time to let your H go.

Please don't keep him for financial security or comfortable surroundings. He can still have a chance w/thousands of women who would be perfect for him and vis versa. If you care about him like you say, you would want that for him, no?

 

You can have a shot too! You can find what you need/want, fix what's broken, to live an exciting, adventerous life w/an amazing man w/whom you can live an authentic life with**

 

Letting go is the most difficult thing you may do. But both you & your H will be so much better for it.

Good luck love

[aliveagain]

2long has a point, how do you enter a contract and than purposely breech it before you meet all the conditions, why would you expect that a new contract will be any different? You really need to think about what your commitment means. The written part, the marriage license is just the public record of the real contract, the one you made to each other in front of your family and friends, your word spoken and given freely by you. So what does your word mean? A man I respect very highly and who has since passed away once told me: "Your Word Is Your Credit Card Of Life." That is your problem, saying words to people that you don't intend to honor. Work on yourself before you hurt more people.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also to those who suggested an "open marriage", no, I do not want that.

You have multiple sex partners and your H is aware of what you're doing. Sounds like you're already there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

so I have to put my big girl pants on and make the choice for us.

I'm curious if your OM has been married or in a relationship during your affair ???

 

Mr. Lucky