I love two men....one being my husband....

[Lovie18]

I have been married to a GREAT guy for 6 years now. However are marriage has always lacked passion and a healthy sex life. This has caused a lot of strain and has really done a number on my self-esteem. About a year and a half ago I came into contact with an ex-boyfriend, he was my first. He lives 1500 miles away but we have managed to see each other many, many times. The guilt of this affair has torn me apart for quite some time, it was not healthy for a long time and he was not an ideal person to get involved with. It has been quite the roller coaster ride. I will admit although I fell MADLY in love with him, I never intended to leave my husband. My husband has provided me a nice life, he is a good friend and partner....this other man was the fantasy, I always knew this. Although this affair was not easy, it did satisfy my sexual needs, it appealed to my sense of romance. My husband has refused to deal with his issues, so I was stuck. It was either deal with barely any intimacy and stay, leave him completely or have a convenient affair. I kind of fell into the last one, I got sucked in at a vulnerable time and had a very hard time ending it for good. Now I felt that in time, this affair would probably just fizzle out. I figured that while I loved this man very much, that he was not capable of providing me a good life and he would probably never really want a real life with me anyways. I thought he would just sort of disappear at some point. That now has changed completely! He is a new man, a man that although he cannot provide the same life my husband can, I can still have a nice life with. He went from being a lover, to a best friend. The infatuation turned into a positive and healthy love. I know what you’re saying how can that be, it is an affair, yes I understand this but we have gone through A LOT and while for most they would crash and burn we have somehow developed this incredible relationship that makes us very happy. I feel more myself than I ever have, I have been exploring my dreams and finally feel as if life can be all these things I had hoped it to be. For years I felt trapped and stuck in this life, it is not a bad life by any means, it just never felt right to me. This other man loves me very, very much in ways that feel very real. Now he really wants a life with me and that feels exciting but scary at the same time. I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband. I still love him very much in my own way, I do not feel like I am necessarily IN LOVE with him but I do love him very much regardless. We have a nice, easy life.....I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....BUT I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....I really do not know what to do here! Help?!!

[Owl]

My thought is this...you don't WANT to make a decision, a choice between the two at this point. Your H is meeting your needs/wants by providing a stable home and reliable partnership. Your OM is meeting other needs/wants that your H currently is not meeting.

 

You don't want to risk "losing" either.

 

What you need to do...what you should do...is to figure out which of these two men are likely to be able to meet ALL of your needs if you work with them to help them clearly understand what those needs/wants are.

 

Then make that happen.

 

It doesn't matter to me who you choose...H or OM.

 

But...you need to chose. You need to inform the person you've chosen, and the person whom you're leaving. You need to recognize that you will be REQUIRED to lose one of these two men completely from your life when you make that choice.

 

So there ya go. The first step is to decide which man you want...which man is likely going to be capable of meeting your needs/wants...and then take action to remove the other man from your life.

 

So...who's it gonna be?

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lovie18]

Thanks for your advice LFH! I do realize that I may get some negative feedback from BS's but I welcome it because I am very confused and would like to see their POV in terms of where my spouse might be coming from. “Why on earth does your husband think a lack of passion and healthy sex life is something that is ok to have you live with?”

 

Good question! My husband FINALLY recognizes that it is not healthy or fair to deprive me of intimacy. He has seen me in tears for years about it, I have even attacked him verbally when I was beyond frustrated but really no reaction but yes now, now he is very aware of the pain and confusion it has caused me. He says he doesn't want it to be that way, he says that he wants to give me what I need however he never follows through. It's very confusing when he tells me how much he loves me and how happy he is with me and yet we barely share a bed.

 

I'm lucky if we have sex every couple of months and the sex is very disconnected and unfulfilling for me. We have never "made love", he doesn't seem to understand what that even means, which depresses me. We married very quickly, too quickly for me to realize the sexual chemistry wasn't really there. I made excuses as to why it was the way it was, told myself that it wasn't that important and for a long time I even blamed myself but than through this other man, I remembered what it means to be intimate in a relationship and I realized it wasn't me. What I did was not right, this I understand, I HATE hurting my husband because he is a good man but I broke, I screwed up and I had a very hard time walking away from it all.

 

My husband knows about this other man, he knows that I have seen him, but he has never asked questions about it. He simply asked if it was over and I said yes....because I felt that it really was going to be over. He has never brought it up again, he was more concerned that I pay off a CC that I used to see him. He says he understands why I did what I did but he still has done nothing to improve our situation. I wanted him to get angry, sad, something to show that he really did love me and so that he could see, that I can't deal with the lack of intimacy forever but really he just brushes it under the rug.

 

We have discussed my mistakes and a divorce but the moment I feel like we are on the same page....that being that we are going to move on in the best way possible, he quickly back tracks and says we can work through it and I start believing he is right but nothing really changes. The other man can't quite understand why we are both hanging on and neither can I, other than it's just comfortable and it's a nice "grow old together" love, you know?

 

I tell him that he can't possibly know what true love is because of his reactions to everything but he insists that he is very much in love with me and very happy with the way things are.....I am very confused on why I stay especially now when the man of my dreams wants to start this new life with me! Perhaps I am scared because this new life wouldn't necessarily be comfortable, perhaps I am worried that the grass is not greener….

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

Is it possible you think too much of yourself? Getting greedy at the expense of others and hurting others should be explored...

 

I thought "love" looked much different than how you describe things.

 

To me, love doesn't intentionally make decisions that harm others.

[findingnemo]

You're a very practical person, Lovie. The way you described how the A started shows that you knew from the beginning what you wanted. You like your life but need intimacy. You had an A because you were looking for intimacy.

 

What's not clear is how and why you have suddenly decided to dwell in a fantasy. I don't mean to be harsh, so please forgive me if it seems that way. Your H is great in all ways except that he is not sexually compatible with you. Your lover is very compatible sexually but mediocre when it comes to the rest. What has suddenly happened that has turned your lover into a good provider?

 

Woman cannot live by sex alone, Lovie. Are you willing to forego everything you have accomplished so far so that you can be with Mr. Lover? What if I told you that there will be times when the sex is boring or even non-existent and that this is guaranteed to happen in say 5 years? Would you still want to be with Mr. Lover?

 

Those are the questions you need to find answers for. My advice?

 

- Stay M and dump the lover

- Tell your H about the A and discuss the sexual problem

- Find an agreeable solution for both of you (This could mean an open M, H goes to all lengths to treat the problem, etc)

[Lovie18]

Queenofthenight and Owl see my post above, I responded before I saw your posts. I do appreciate both of your advice and yes I do fear sometimes I am selfishly caught up with "having my cake and eating it to". Of course I feel like a terrible person for that! I can be honest and say it's difficult for me to follow through with letting one of them go but I truly want to let one go, I truly want to be with just one person.

 

And yes my husband already knows of the other man, he is very aware of that situation, he just chooses to ignore it which only makes my decision harder....because it's as both are saying "it's ok" so I am like "why should I have to make a choice right this minute?" I know that won't last forever and in the long run it would be the OM more likely to leave and sometimes, I am ok with that....I feel like I am waiting for someone else to make the decision for me....but that's not happening and I know it's up to me to make the choice.

 

Yes financially speaking my husband does provide a good life for us and someday probably a very, very good life for us. He is a good partner, he would be a great father and he is like a good buddy so there is good substance there. Of course yes I fear if I stay, even if I am “content” I will always be looking somewhere else for the intimacy and I DO NOT want to be that person. I guess a silly part of me believes he will magically just get it and become a romantic and sexual person....but 6 years and not one shred of effort....I am just fooling myself I guess.

 

The other guy, yeah he will always be able to provide me with the emotional, mental and physical things I want in a relationship...I know this for certain but I guess a part of me is not comfortable being "poor"....ignorant, I know. But I struggled for a long time and I am not sure I want to go back to that.....so yeah it comes down to true love or true comfort. For me I guess I rationally want to believe that the "in love" factor always fade anyways so maybe I should be smart and pick the better "business partner"….sigh…but I know I’d be sacrificing so much of who I am and what I want…..knowing this I just can’t seem to understand why I still love him so much and find it so hard to leave…..guess I am a wuss….

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

You don't love your husband.

 

If you did you'd never want to hurt him.

 

There's an old song, if you love somebody set them free.

 

Seems like you don't love him at all.

[Owl]

2 things Owl.

 

And second.. maybe it shoudln't be ANYONE. Why shouldn't she just decidde that maybe she's not happy and needs to spend some time figuring it out for herself? She doesn't have to PICK in order to make a choice.

 

Agreed...she does indeed have the third option.

 

Neither.

 

She can let both men go.

 

As far as why shouldn't she take time to decide? Well, as a former BS, to me the answer to that is obvious. To end the pain sooner, rather than later. Her pain of indecision, her H's pain of not knowing what the future holds...probably the same pain her OM feels as well.

 

Why do she need to chose quickly??? Because the longer she changes nothing...nothing changes. She'll stay torn up with indecision, make no headway. Same with both men as well.

 

So...I'll add that from my viewpoint, she's got a third option, making her choices:

 

1. Her H.

2. Her OM.

3. Neither...find out what life is like on her own instead.

 

But...I don't include sitting there stewing over the whole thing for some uncounted length of time as a viable choice or option...not from my vantage point at least.

[findingnemo]

Thanks for your advice LFH! I do realize that I may get some negative feedback from BS's but I welcome it because I am very confused and would like to see their POV in terms of where my spouse might be coming from. “Why on earth does your husband think a lack of passion and healthy sex life is something that is ok to have you live with?” Good question! My husband FINALLY recognizes that it is not healthy or fair to deprive me of intimacy. He has seen me in tears for years about it, I have even attacked him verbally when I was beyond frustrated but really no reaction but yes now, now he is very aware of the pain and confusion it has caused me. He says he doesn't want it to be that way, he says that he wants to give me what I need however he never follows through. It's very confusing when he tells me how much he loves me and how happy he is with me and yet we barely share a bed. I'm lucky if we have sex every couple of months and the sex is very disconnected and unfulfilling for me. We have never "made love", he doesn't seem to understand what that even means, which depresses me. We married very quickly, too quickly for me to realize the sexual chemistry wasn't really there. I made excuses as to why it was the way it was, told myself that it wasn't that important and for a long time I even blamed myself but than through this other man, I remembered what it means to be intimate in a relationship and I realized it wasn't me. What I did was not right, this I understand, I HATE hurting my husband because he is a good man but I broke, I screwed up and I had a very hard time walking away from it all. My husband knows about this other man, he knows that I have seen him, but he has never asked questions about it. He simply asked if it was over and I said yes....because I felt that it really was going to be over. He has never brought it up again, he was more concerned that I pay off a CC that I used to see him. He says he understands why I did what I did but he still has done nothing to improve our situation. I wanted him to get angry, sad, something to show that he really did love me and so that he could see, that I can't deal with the lack of intimacy forever but really he just brushes it under the rug. We have discussed my mistakes and a divorce but the moment I feel like we are on the same page....that being that we are going to move on in the best way possible, he quickly back tracks and says we can work through it and I start believing he is right but nothing really changes. The other man can't quite understand why we are both hanging on and neither can I, other than it's just comfortable and it's a nice "grow old together" love, you know? I tell him that he can't possibly know what true love is because of his reactions to everything but he insists that he is very much in love with me and very happy with the way things are.....I am very confused on why I stay especially now when the man of my dreams wants to start this new life with me! Perhaps I am scared because this new life wouldn't necessarily be comfortable, perhaps I am worried that the grass is not greener….

 

Hmmm....I think we were typing at the same time! You really are more practical than many people. It looks like you have tried to deal with the sex problem. If your H just doesn't desire sex as often and can't seem to learn how to make love then I doubt that he will change. That's just how he is wired and he really does love you. What does he say he will do to make things better?

[Imported]

If your husband was not meeting your needs and refused to change, your choice should have been to leave him and find someone who does or deal with it. Not cheat and **** another guy to get your jollies off. Very selfish, underhanded, callous and uncaring behavior there OP.

 

Hopefully your husband figures it all out and if he so chooses to, can get a divorce where he comes out financially clean with no further obligation to see to your well being. Because frankly, you don't deserve it.

[Lovie18]

alexandria35 I absolutely agree with your post....I do and I agree that it should be about me finding out what makes me truly happy without a guy in the picture....I realize I am coming off as a weak, silly woman but I did not come here to delve into everything I am, etc., etc., I was coming here for advice on what’s the best choice in terms of my relationships not on who I am as a woman, my goodness any woman knows that we are layer upon layers and cannot possibly be summed up by one aspect of her life. I have my first therapy appointment Thursday, I fully recognize that it could just be MY issues and that I have a lot to work on BUT the fact of the matter is there are two men in this picture, two men that I love very much and it's hard to let both of them go. Call that selfish or wrong because guess what two years ago I would have said the same to someone in my situation. Until you are in that situation you just do not know how it feels! When you have two men asking you to be with them and you love them both and you want to make them both happy but you also want to be happy, well it’s just a sucky situation. Again call me selfish but if I were really selfish I wouldn't be trying to make a choice, I would just keep doing what I am doing and have the best of both worlds. I do realize #1 yes I need to find more self-love but also #2 I also want to make the right choice in terms of these men, I will always have to sacrifice something in a relationship, it's just a matter of what means more to me. Neither one could work out but that’s not the point RIGHT NOW, the point right now is should I try to work on my marriage or should I give the man that feels like the love of my life a valid shot.

And amaysngrace you say I don't love my husband because I've what I have done but do you think he loves me? Truly, when the man you are married to doesn't want to give you intimacy or for that matter even work on it?

 

And another thing I find interesting on this forum is that people are coming here willingly expressing their problems and flaws in hopes that they will find clarity and support but instead of giving advice, SOME of you just judge harshly. We all have our issues people and while I realize that I put it out there, I am asking for genuine advice not judgment. Believe me I am my harshest critic so keep that to yourself and just give me the advice I am looking for.

[Lovie18]

findingnemo....he says he will go to therapy for it but he has said this for two years and has never once made an appointment....I guess I am just refusing to see that he will not change and I am still holding onto some whispy hope that he will but as much as I say I stay for comfort, I WANT him to be the one that can give me everything but he isn't and I can't seem to face that....

[2sunny]

Advice you want to hear? You already have that...has it helped you so far?

 

Consider options you haven't yet tried doing.

 

Be on your own for a few years.

 

Work on healthy balance - seek what's missing deep inside yourself.

 

That would be helpful for your future.

[Chi townD]

I have been married to a GREAT guy for 6 years now. However are marriage has always lacked passion and a healthy sex life. This has caused a lot of strain and has really done a number on my self-esteem. About a year and a half ago I came into contact with an ex-boyfriend, he was my first. He lives 1500 miles away but we have managed to see each other many, many times. The guilt of this affair has torn me apart for quite some time, it was not healthy for a long time and he was not an ideal person to get involved with. It has been quite the roller coaster ride. I will admit although I fell MADLY in love with him, I never intended to leave my husband. My husband has provided me a nice life, he is a good friend and partner....this other man was the fantasy, I always knew this. Although this affair was not easy, it did satisfy my sexual needs, it appealed to my sense of romance. My husband has refused to deal with his issues, so I was stuck. It was either deal with barely any intimacy and stay, leave him completely or have a convenient affair. I kind of fell into the last one, I got sucked in at a vulnerable time and had a very hard time ending it for good. Now I felt that in time, this affair would probably just fizzle out. I figured that while I loved this man very much, that he was not capable of providing me a good life and he would probably never really want a real life with me anyways. I thought he would just sort of disappear at some point. That now has changed completely! He is a new man, a man that although he cannot provide the same life my husband can, I can still have a nice life with. He went from being a lover, to a best friend. The infatuation turned into a positive and healthy love. I know what you’re saying how can that be, it is an affair, yes I understand this but we have gone through A LOT and while for most they would crash and burn we have somehow developed this incredible relationship that makes us very happy. I feel more myself than I ever have, I have been exploring my dreams and finally feel as if life can be all these things I had hoped it to be. For years I felt trapped and stuck in this life, it is not a bad life by any means, it just never felt right to me. This other man loves me very, very much in ways that feel very real. Now he really wants a life with me and that feels exciting but scary at the same time. I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband. I still love him very much in my own way, I do not feel like I am necessarily IN LOVE with him but I do love him very much regardless. We have a nice, easy life.....I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....BUT I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....I really do not know what to do here! Help?!!

 

 

Yeah, and I'm the other evil BS you're worrying about. And I got to tell you, this post has got me spun up BEYOND believe.

 

Married to a GREAT guy for 6 years....yet, he's soooo great that you go ahead and screw some other dude. Yeah, he's fantastic!

 

You stated that he won't address his issuse (to which you were VERY vague on exactly what those issuses area) thus, you gave yourself permission to cheat on him as if it was HIS FAULT!!! I speculate you never had him address is issuse. You may have mentioned it, but you never pushed it. Because, lets face it you had the best of both worlds! You had this GREAT guy that provided for you, has given you a great life, don't want for anything...and you had your side action to have sex with. So, why rock the boat! I don't think you tried very hard. I highly doubt that you had the hard talk about going to Marriage Counseling "Look, I'm not happy and we need to go to MC or i'm leaving." That never happened I'm sure.

 

And, of course, you even stated that you were not going to leave your husband because even though your affair partner is good in the sack, he couldn't provide for you the way that your husband does. BUT NOW, since this douche rocket has gotten his life in a better way finanically, NOW you think it's time to jump ship.

 

Okay, so jump ship. You stated that you don't have the courage to leave your husband. Well, easy answer for you. Tell your husband that you're not IN LOVE with him, that he's not romantic (which...Geez, that was an easy fix if you even tried) and he sucks in bed. Therefore, you've been f*cking this other guy for over a year and you want to go with him. I bet he'll find the courage to leave you. No problem.

 

But, here's the rub. Your husband already knows! Mind blowing isn't it! He's been with you over six years. He knows when something isn't quite right with you. He may not know of the affair, but some red flags are going off in his head. And, God willing, he may come to a site like this and ask for advice about his situation and tell his story. And I will be the FIRST to tell him, "Yep! Sounds like she's cheating." And I will tell him exactlly what he needs to do; tricks he can pull to catch you. Things you never even considered that will link you to cheating!

 

But, even if he's clueless, at the end, you won't tell him why you're leaving. You put the blame on him and be very vague about it and leaving him always wondering what HE did wrong. Leaving him blaming himself for everything. And probably taking half his sh*t, half the cost of the house, half of the savings and CD's and checking. Thank GOD you don't qualifiy for half his retirement! And you'll probably try and take him for alimony. If you get rewarded some maybe you and this douchebag can cash it in small bills and roll around on the bed in it! Because maybe the douche rocket isn't doing AS great as your husband, but there's no reason why your clueless husband can't finance you knew lifestyle with the douch rocket for a little while longer!

 

So, do your GREAT guy of a husband a favor. Tell him the truth and walk out the door with nothing. Don't take a dime from him. This is your choice, not his. So, don't his life more difficult as it already is going to be by demanding sh*t. Have your new boyfriend take care of you. You already stated that he wants to. So, leave your husband alone and let him find someone that's going to love him, because you obviously don't.

 

Oh, and if you think that you're going to have this fantastic new life with the guy you're cheating on your husband with, think again. Stats show that LESS than 14% of relationships that start out from an affair actually make it long term. Because your relationship is built on the pain of others. He's and ex-boyfriend. Well, there's a reason why they are our EX in the first place.

[Lovie18]

And yes the third option, being with neither is very plausible and I am OK with it, I truly am but I guess that's hard to do when both of them want me regardless and truth is yes of course I want to have a happy, healthy relationship. I could just take my time and figure myself out and trust that the right man and love will come when I am ready for it...whether that's the H, the OM, someone else or hum I don't know maybe it will be just me, myself and I....I can be ok with that, unlike some, believe it or not....

[Owl]

RIGHT NOW, the point right now is should I try to work on my marriage or should I give the man that feels like the love of my life a valid shot.

 

No one on the internet can decide this for you...no matter how much you try to share/explain your situation, there's just no way anyone could in anyway tell you which man to choose.

 

If that's what you're hoping to find here on LS, then you're most likely very mistaken.

 

Folks here aren't going to tell you which one to choose.

 

They're going to tell you to make the choice...and provide you support with whatever choice you make. If you choose OM...then your next thread probably needs to be on the divorce portion of the site so that folks can help you through that process. If you choose your H, your next thread probably should be here on the infidelity section so that folks can help you sort out how to reconcile your marriage.

 

But no one can make that choice for you...or even provide any kind of meaningful input on which man to choose.

 

You have to do that...first and foremost.

[Owl]

And yes the third option, being with neither is very plausible and I am OK with it, I truly am but I guess that's hard to do when both of them want me regardless and truth is yes of course I want to have a happy, healthy relationship. I could just take my time and figure myself out and trust that the right man and love will come when I am ready for it...whether that's the H, the OM, someone else or hum I don't know maybe it will be just me, myself and I....I can be ok with that, unlike some, believe it or not....

 

Then perhaps this is where you start?

 

Remove BOTH men from your life for now.

[BetrayedH]

My advice...

 

Drop the affair. Reinvest in your marriage and make a 100% effort without the distraction of another man. Your husband cannot possibly compete with this fantasy you've gotten yourself immersed in. Clear your head of it. Stop pretending you are single when you are married. Come completely clean with your H. Lying by omission is still lying. He thinks your affair is ended, right? See a good marriage counselor. Get all the cards on the table. Make it clear what you need and expect from this marriage in order to continue. It is time for ultimatums. But live up to your vows until you are DONE with your marriage. You have an obligation to either fix your marriage or leave it. Yes, you should choose; you should choose now and you should choose the man with whom you have built a life and shared vows. I'm sorry but your OM is not such a great guy if he has participated in the betrayal of your husband via an affair. A good man would have refused to participate. By the way, you are correct that eventually the excitement and romantic love that you share with your OM will eventually fade. Real and mature love (something more than the brain chemistry that an affair provides) is ultimately much more about mutual respect and admiration. If you keep chasing that "in love" feeling, you are bound to keep repeating this cycle.

 

I also recommend you get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It will help you to stop romanticizing this affair. You need to start seeing it for what it is and start making decisions with your brain instead of with your emotions. My $.02 anyway.

[Lovie18]

WOW Chi townD, you are so VERY, VERY wrong. I want to get into this more when I have time but let me just give you a quick review of what’s wrong and what I have done before I got into an affair. Yes we have discussed marriage counseling and counseling on our own NUMEROUS times. I have even made appointments for him that he has canceled many times for a doctor and a therapist. Issue IS NOT vague, his penis doesn’t work, is that enough for you? He has no sex drive, he can’t stand to be touched…..I could go on but I have to go….really Chi townD I LOVED him very much when we got married and he provides a lot BUT I AM HUMAN! To never be held at night by your husband, for him to be uncomfortable if I hug him for too long, to have a nonexistent sex life I don’t care how much you love someone that can KILL you especially if they are not willing to get help….if you could for one day feel what that feels like, than maybe you would understand….I am not condoning what I did, but it’s done and I am trying now to understand and fix it….

[findingnemo]

findingnemo....he says he will go to therapy for it but he has said this for two years and has never once made an appointment....I guess I am just refusing to see that he will not change and I am still holding onto some whispy hope that he will but as much as I say I stay for comfort, I WANT him to be the one that can give me everything but he isn't and I can't seem to face that....

 

Lovie, your H may be apprehensive about going for sex therapy. Many men have a big problem dealing with sexual issues. How about you find a therapist you can both see? Encourage him to go by making an appointment for the two of you. Be proactive if he is dragging his feet.

 

I'm thinking you should stay with your H and work through this. I would advise you to give it all the effort required before throwing in the towel. There are plenty of men in this world better and worse than Mr. Lover. Until you are divorced and free, you should put your H first since he does love you. As far as I can see, he is the one who has been there for you. He is the only man you can rely on. Mr. Lover is just saying things that he may not be able to back up.

 

Another thing, do you really believe you love both men? Make a list of the things you love about each of them. I'm certain that your H will come out on top. This confusion about loving two men is self-perpetuating. The more you say it, the more it seems true. Love isn't like lightening. True love builds up over time and grows with each situation a couple encounters together. If there was abuse, cheating and the like, I would believe that you love the other one more. Since it's only a sex issue (a problem not to be underestimated), I suspect you love your H and are strongly attracted (infatuated) to your lover.

 

Lastly, take sex out of the equation for a set period of time. No sex with Lover and no sex with H. If you're bothered, go out and buy some toys. No one ever died from lack of love making. During this time, work with H on a solution and bin Mr. Lover. Do this for say 6 months. This will allow you to focus on your M 100%.

[Chi townD]

WOW Chi townD, you are so VERY, VERY wrong. I want to get into this more when I have time but let me just give you a quick review of what’s wrong and what I have done before I got into an affair. Yes we have discussed marriage counseling and counseling on our own NUMEROUS times. I have even made appointments for him that he has canceled many times for a doctor and a therapist. Issue IS NOT vague, his penis doesn’t work, is that enough for you? He has no sex drive, he can’t stand to be touched…..I could go on but I have to go….really Chi townD I LOVED him very much when we got married and he provides a lot BUT I AM HUMAN! To never be held at night by your husband, for him to be uncomfortable if I hug him for too long, to have a nonexistent sex life I don’t care how much you love someone that can KILL you especially if they are not willing to get help….if you could for one day feel what that feels like, than maybe you would understand….I am not condoning what I did, but it’s done and I am trying now to understand and fix it….

 

The one thing I know I'm VERY VERY right on is the amount of pain that your are and have caused. You have NO CLUE!

 

Okay, he doesn't want to address those problems and you've tried and tried without any results from him. THEN YOU LEAVE!!!! You don't start affairs! You leave with a clear mind KNOWING that you tried everything you could. If you did that, I don't you wouldn't even be here right now!

 

Okay, so he has ED. Has he had his T levels checked? Because that's what it sounds like to me! And to have something like hat happen; not to be able to perform, it does something to a guy. And it's called SEVERE CLICINAL DEPRESSION! Was that even address? Your husband is sick. Clinically sick.

 

So, you having an affair on your husband, it wasn't his fault He never asked for that. It was your choice.

 

And if you could only feel for one day what it feels like to be betrayed by the person that promised to be at your side forever. To have that person give herself away to other man.....then, maybe you could understand why I'm so upset for your husband.

 

I'm just upset that you are making bad choices and no one is going to come out of this whole. I think you can agree that I'm right about that.

[findingnemo]

WOW Chi townD, you are so VERY, VERY wrong. I want to get into this more when I have time but let me just give you a quick review of what’s wrong and what I have done before I got into an affair. Yes we have discussed marriage counseling and counseling on our own NUMEROUS times. I have even made appointments for him that he has canceled many times for a doctor and a therapist. Issue IS NOT vague, his penis doesn’t work, is that enough for you? He has no sex drive, he can’t stand to be touched…..I could go on but I have to go….really Chi townD I LOVED him very much when we got married and he provides a lot BUT I AM HUMAN! To never be held at night by your husband, for him to be uncomfortable if I hug him for too long, to have a nonexistent sex life I don’t care how much you love someone that can KILL you especially if they are not willing to get help….if you could for one day feel what that feels like, than maybe you would understand….I am not condoning what I did, but it’s done and I am trying now to understand and fix it….

 

Wow...this thread is moving super fast! FS asked some good questions.

 

This situation reminds me of someone I dated last year. I had a long thread about it somewhere. It's called Lack of Affection. I'll find it for you. Your H needs some serious therapy to, at the very least, find out what the problem is. It could be anything from childhood sexual abuse to being gay and in severe denial.

 

The more information you give, the more people understand. Don't worry about the detail, it is really anonymous. Nevertheless, continuing the A will hurt your H regardless of his own problems. You love him. Why would you break his heart again?

[2sunny]

In the end - cheating isn't the answer to your problems.

 

Find a new solution.

[Lovie18]

If your husband was not meeting your needs and refused to change, your choice should have been to leave him and find someone who does or deal with it. Not cheat and **** another guy to get your jollies off. Very selfish, underhanded, callous and uncaring behavior there OP.

 

Hopefully your husband figures it all out and if he so chooses to, can get a divorce where he comes out financially clean with no further obligation to see to your well being. Because frankly, you don't deserve it.

 

That's rather bold of you to wish that onto someone you don't know.....of course cheating is not "right" but neither is neglecting your spouse's basic human needs. He didn't want to get help, he didn't want a divorce....yes I guess I could have just left however I love him and I had hope....BUT I am human and I f**ked up....guessing you're perfect for making a statement like that. I didn't want to cheat but I'll be honest and human....the OM was like finding water after walking days without it in the desert....you don't really think, you just drink.....I have dealt with a lot of the consequences of cheating and also the feeling of rejection from a husband and guess what people he cheated on me when we were dating so I do know how it feels and I wouldn't want him to feel the way I did, but sometimes our human nature gets the best of us....I do deserve to be happy at some point, but obviously getting there isn't always easy.

[Owl]

Lovie, you're getting awfully defensive.

 

Take a minute, calm down, and go back and re-read the previous posts with a focus on the advice given, rather than the insults perceived.

 

Don't focus on what you think is a statement about you, but focus instead on the suggested CHANGES that folks are recommending.

 

That's where you'll get your best "bang for the buck" off this site.