kettlebox Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 We have had a turbulent relationship. We are 6 years apart, with he being the elder. We've broken up multiple times during the year we've been together because neither of us is good at coping and communicating. But we got back together, which I thought would be for the last time, and we have been seeing progress. However, one night, I was out with a friend of his and a group of my friends. I got insecure after we started talking about cheating, as I have not been around anybody who doesn't cheat, and I did not grow up in a healthy environment to understand what a healthy relationship can look like My issues are all internal and my insecurities, although admittedly exacerbated by my now ex bf, have been largely and almost completely my doing. But because of this insecurity I told him how I'd never commit to him because once a cheater, always a cheater. He hasn't even cheated on me before. He's told me how he cheated on his ex, and I used his past against him. I ignored what I said for the rest of the night and had a great time, but it kept him upset and he blew up on me with anger and grief at the end of the night. I was shocked because I thought we were having a good time, and since I don't actually believe he would cheat, I didn't mean what I said and completely forgotten that I said ssomething so hurtful and belittling. So I clocked him in the jaw with my fist. For no reason other than my losing control. I don't know why I did it. He broke up with me, rightfully, and I am clearly not ready to be in a relationship. But I love him. And I have to respect his wish to never let me back in his life again. I know, and I'm wrong, and violence is inexcusable and I feel disgusting about it. But it doesn't make the break up and hope to be together any easier to cope with. I love him and I can't believe I let things go so far..
will1988 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 My fiance was like you for the longest time. She hit and bit me a few times, but I told her if she ever does it again that I am leaving her and she can move back to appalachia from whence she came. Thankfully, I've not seen that side of her in almost a year. As I told her, and will tell you, you need to go see a shrink. You have deep seeded issues that a professional needs to help you with. Your insecurities, paranoia, controlling, and absuive behavior will ruin every relationship you will ever have and or you will find yourself with someone worse than you. I know it will hurt your pride to see a shrink, but honestly you need to. You need to work on your insecurities and trust issues asap. History is doomed to repeat itself as they say. I do agree though, once a cheater always a cheater, but you can't judge a person's past indiscretions as present indiscretions unless they have given you propper reason to believe there has been an indiscretion. 1
Author kettlebox Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Thank you, I understand. I have already made an appointment to see a psychologist on Thursday. It was the first time I got violent and I would like to keep it that way. I think it was right and good for him to cut me out of his life. It's for the best and I'm taking steps to letting go and be better. Although I understand, it doesn't make anything less painful or less bleak.. 2
Author kettlebox Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I want him back so badly.. it's so difficult not to..
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