Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Hello, my ex contacted me on facebook. Been in a short relationship with her (3 months). I was the dumper but I loved her very much. There were too much differences etc. Anyhow, she contacted me with a message. She said she read some old messages that were funny. At the end she ask how i'm doing. I have had no contact with her for a great amount of time, but I still love her and I was very shocked. Should I break NC because im the dumper? I dont want her back but I care for her and love her. I think I would experience a setback when i get in touch. Any thoughts on this?
Leigh 87 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Unless you want her back, I would not bother responding. She may still have romantic feelings for you and get false hope if your too friendly or talk too regularly with her. I am afraid that being "nice" to a girl that you really do like a lot (but not enough to commit to in a relationship), is never going to work; not unless she is over you and has moved on to another person. I would cut your losses and ignore her. If it has been a year or more since you spoke, I am not sure of what I would do. I do know what I would like to talk to my ex over a year after not talking, as we both really like each other as people and care a lot about each other. People here will mostly say NO Never be friends with your ex. This is mostly due to the fact that: one or both parties will get romantic feelings again that over ride their ability to have a platonic relationship. Personally, once I have moved on for over a year and have fallen madly in love again and he has done the same, I think it is okay to just talk and maybe see each other once in a BLUE MOON: to know you still care and as a person to talk to very rarely. It would not be okay to talk to an old flame very often at all though, if you have both moved on to really loving relationships. Some people may be able to fall in love with new partners, and then both hang out as friends occasionally; not most though. I HAVE seen it. Only you know yourself and your ex: do you think that enough time has past, and that you have both moved on enough and lastly: do you both like spending time together enough as people to warrant a catch up or facebook messaging?
Author Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 My breakup was 3 months ago! I feel for her but i cant have her back. But that doesnt mean i have no feelings for her. Its very difficult not to respond! Its like a drug. Maybe she is just friendly and is over me! I am not over her
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) My breakup was 3 months ago! I feel for her but i cant have her back. But that doesnt mean i have no feelings for her. Its very difficult not to respond! Its like a drug. Maybe she is just friendly and is over me! I am not over her You're absolutely right: it's exactly like a drug. No Contact has been called 'extreme cold turkey for the heart. She's fishing. She wants to know whether she can still attract your attention. She may well not be over you, so is hanging hopes on contact. Please, please - resist all and any temptation to reply. You will merely exacerbate the pain of moving on. For both of you. Be kind' to her, but chiefly, yourself. EDIT to add: Read the No Contact guide in my signature. You MUST block her on Facebook - and in every other possible way you can, in order to prevent 'checking up'. By either of you. It's the safest way to go...... Edited May 21, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Leigh 87 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 You really do have to wait until you are both comfortable seeing each other with new partners, totally happy. I can assure you it will take me well over a year to get to that stage with my ex, so yeah.
Author Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I feel like an ass not responding to her. She is civil and asking how i am. I saw her a couple of weeks ago in a local bar and talked briefly. Damn this is so difficult, i want to hold her and would like things worked out between us. I am living in the past and remember how great we were together I hope i will manage, because iam afraid of rejection when I tell my true feelings about her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I feel like an ass not responding to her. She is civil and asking how i am. I saw her a couple of weeks ago in a local bar and talked briefly. Damn this is so difficult, i want to hold her and would like things worked out between us. I am living in the past and remember how great we were together I hope i will manage, because iam afraid of rejection when I tell my true feelings about her. Are these 'differences' such that there can be no solution or resolution? What is so 'die.hard. that made this relationship untenable? No Contact is for the individual to heal, not to hurt the other person. It's for your benefit, not a weapon..... 1
Author Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Differences in life perspective, iam 24 she is 18. I work, she will go to university in an other town. She wants to travel etc. I want to settle. She drinks a lot of alcohol and has some issues. And i think she would leave me in the end!
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Differences in life perspective, iam 24 she is 18. I work, she will go to university in an other town. She wants to travel etc. I want to settle. She drinks a lot of alcohol and has some issues. And i think she would leave me in the end! I see your points. Look. The bottom line is that any form of 'friendly' contact is both inadvisable and reckless. You KNOW that. The one and only time friendly contact should ever be initiated or resumed, is when you feel completely over her to the point of 'Benign Indifference'. When you wish her well, but frankly, you don't give a fig one way or the other..... Until then, you should go incommunicado and cut off every and each way or method to connect with one another. 2
Author Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I know, if I respond i would fall back. I would do anything to hold her again, but I know it would not work out. And maybe she only wants to say she is doing great without me and has a new bf or something like that.
Author Elias18 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Do I look weak if I don't respond? She might thinks that I can't handle the situation. It's hard to maintain NC, but I will stick to it. Damnit, so many questions. What do I tell her if she asks me about this? There is a chance I will see her someday in the local bar or town!
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 One: no, you don't look weak. Quite the contrary. It takes character and strength to maintain NC - as of course you should. Two: if she asks, just say you don't feel comfortable staying in contact because your feelings are too raw. If she can't accept that, too bad. It is what it is and that's how you feel. Then, walk away. Don't give her the chance to come back with anything...... 2
siankat Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I feel like an ass not responding to her. She is civil and asking how i am. I saw her a couple of weeks ago in a local bar and talked briefly. Damn this is so difficult, i want to hold her and would like things worked out between us. I am living in the past and remember how great we were together I hope i will manage, because iam afraid of rejection when I tell my true feelings about her. repeat repeat
NewPerspective93 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 If anything, keeping NC makes you tougher since you're showing how you're not giving much attention to her. Don't do this because you think it might make her contact you, but do this for yourself and your healing. Cheers.
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