Interpretations? My gut says "end it"

[Zapbasket]

I've been dating someone, K, for longer than I can admit. A little over a month ago we decided to take a relationship break--my first ever--in hope of using the time apart to hopefully address some of the issues individually that have gotten our relationship stuck. I'm the one who suggested the break. We discussed it for hours and he was comfortable with it. We did not set "rules" about when or how often to have contact and we both affirmed that our focus is on ourselves, not on dating, flirting, etc.

 

Note that one of the problems I told him I was having with the relationship was that I felt he didn't really love me, that he didn't put in an effort, that he never brings up the future together, and doesn't seem to have clear plans for his own future nor does he seem to be making moves to get out of the rut he's been in for as long as we've been dating.

 

This past weekend had been a month, and I felt it might be a smart idea to check in with him, see whether he'd be open to meeting up and sharing with each other our thoughts about the relationship and what progress, if any, we've each made in sorting out some of the individual issues that seemed to be blocking the relationship. Here is what I wrote him:

 

Hi K,

 

 

Would you want to meet up sometime this week? We didn't set a time frame for when we'd speak, but it has been a month and I thought it'd be a good time for us to check in with each other, spend a little time together, talk, maybe go for a hike or something?--etc. I still see us as taking time apart and our relationship not ended. I hope the same goes for you.

 

 

Let me know when would be good for you. Hope you've been doing well and you haven't had to go woodpecker-hunting. Almost hit a marmot yesterday with my car; was traumatized; thought of you and your childhood "target practice." ;-)

 

GreenCove

 

I was expecting one of two responses: either, "I'm not ready yet for us to talk but I do care about this relationship and do want to talk with you, just not yet. I still want us to work out but I just need a little more time." OR: "I've been thinking about you and us, as well and it would be great if we can get together and talk. I'm free ___, ____, and ___ this week."

 

And this is what I got:

 

Hi GreenCove,

 

Nice to hear from you. No woodpecker hunts as of late. My one fatal shot must have echoed through their hollowed homes. I can't imagine running over a woodchuck--I'm glad you actually didn't considering they are plump for a tire to roll over.

 

 

A hike or something along those lines sounds good. However, I'm not sure about meeting up this week. I'll get back to you this Wednesday. If not, will next week work? How is the knee doing? Are you now able to go up and down trails ? Or, is hiking more like [super-flat paved] trail?

 

I felt pretty hurt that he has seemingly blown me off. It just continues that feeling that I don't matter to him as much as he has claimed I do. Especially in the circumstance of a break, I would never postpone a request to meet up without a really good stated reason: "My buddies and I are going camping." "I have an insane work schedule." "Family is coming to town." Etc. Additionally, I saw his mom tonight and she said he's not busy, just "testing" me to see whether I'll be cool with this or whether I'll "hammer" at him like I supposedly usually do. (She said that from K's perspective, not that *she* thinks I do this, per se). So after that confirmation that he doesn't have some huge schedule clusterf*ck keeping him from seeing me, I'm pretty hurt to know that he'd play with my emotions like this.

 

I know I can't possibly give all the background but at first glance, I'm interested to know whether folks think I'm overreacting, and maybe there's another way of viewing his response that I haven't considered. Right now I'm feeling more like his response just continues a relationship dynamic that hasn't been working for me and I've communicated that to him many times, and I'm thinking perhaps it's time to cut the cord.

 

Sorry this is so long.

[Mr. Lucky]

A little over a month ago we decided to take a relationship break--my first ever--in hope of using the time apart to hopefully address some of the issues individually that have gotten our relationship stuck. I'm the one who suggested the break. We discussed it for hours and he was comfortable with it. We did not set "rules" about when or how often to have contact and we both affirmed that our focus is on ourselves, not on dating, flirting, etc.

 

Note that one of the problems I told him I was having with the relationship was that I felt he didn't really love me, that he didn't put in an effort, that he never brings up the future together, and doesn't seem to have clear plans for his own future nor does he seem to be making moves to get out of the rut he's been in for as long as we've been dating.

If your issue, which might be summarized as "He's not that into you", has to do with how he treats you when together, how does an arbitrary period apart do anything to fix it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

Mr. Lucky,

 

He's listless in all areas of his life lately. More than lately; it's been going on for as long as we've dated and seemingly a little longer, as well. He seems stuck in all domains of his life, and no amount of me trying to support him, talking with him, getting upset with him, etc. seems to help. What has concerned me particularly is that he has never sought help--and I don't just mean psychological help, but career help, help with a project he's been working on, help from his old friends.

 

I've particularly been bothered by his never bringing up the future. What's more, I've known him for a long while now and I have no idea what he even WANTS--for himself, for his future, for us, anything. It has been frustrating for me and I finally reached a point where I didn't want to deal with it daily anymore. I felt like I was nagging him all the time and that's not who I want to be. I thought a break might give him some time to figure out what he wants relating to me, to his career and other domains of his life, while I could spend some time also clarifying what I ultimately want.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess my inclination would be to go in the opposite direction - instead of a break, he'd get a deadline to get into counseling and get his life (and your relationship) on track. As you're finding out, one aspect of depression is that those that need help the most seem to be the least likely to do something about it.

 

Or, as you stated before, you could bail...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

Sadly I think I am going to have to bail. It's past due. I'm embarrassed and sad to admit that this relationship is the same one I posted about extensively two years ago. I posted about the same dynamics; I was on the brink of ending it but feeling very confused; the advice I got on here was to listen to my gut and end it; and for various reasons I now understand I couldn't bring myself to end it.

 

So, here I am, two years later. I stopped posting here about the relationship because I knew by staying I was going against my own instincts, and I knew I wasn't ready to listen to them, or to others telling me to listen to them.

 

I won't say that the time spent in this relationship (three years) was a "waste." I have learned and I have grown. But I now clearly see no future with K., and our most recent email exchange is further proof. It's the same dynamic. He "tests" me by doing something he knows I don't like. I react with hurt. He gets upset and tells me I'm "oversensitive." I then get angry and lose my cool and say hurtful things. He then points to me as the villain and he is the victim. ANd here it is again. He knew it would hurt me if he made like he was just too busy to agree to meet up with me right away. (His mom confirmed that indeed he is NOT busy.) He's waiting for me to tell him that I am hurt. He can then say I'm oversensitive, and he knows I'll get angry when he says that. Then he can say I'm irrational and always, in his mother's words, "hammering" at him.

 

I have talked about this dynamic with him many, many times. I have been unable to stop contributing my part in the dynamic, i.e., getting hurt and then angry when he diminishes my feelings. I had hoped that a break might remove us from this dynamic so that we could come back to discuss things rationally. He email to me suggests that that will not be possible, and I feel no choice but to end it. Not just on the basis of this email. On the basis of my not feeling, ever, that I can be who I want to be in this relationship.

 

I just wanted to check in to see whether there was some other way of viewing his email that I am missing. I don't think, sadly, that it can change the outcome at this point, but it might aid in my understanding.

[Mr. Lucky]

(His mom confirmed that indeed he is NOT busy.)

Does he live with her ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

He rents an apartment on his parents' property, so in a sense, yes. I've not had a problem with that in and of itself. It's the other things.

 

But what I'd really like some clarity with is the email exchange. I think I know what I need to do, but I want as much understanding as I can. Thanks.

[HonestNeurotic]

Well - It could be he's just one of those kinda introverted peepulz that are emotionally distant and have difficulty with relationships and commitments. Intimacy. I know that people use that word a lot to mean sexual intercourse in a polite manner - but real intimacy I think is more of an emotional thang.

 

My husband is kinda that guy. In fact, considering that he IS that way, it's all rather amazing that we connected. It just may be that your personalities are not in sync with each other, and that he truly doesn't know HOW to relate to women.

 

When I met him, he had moved back in with his parents to finish college after working and traveling burnt him out. He was 32, and had only had one relationship that lasted a year and he had never lived with a woman. Strong view against marriage. I asked him WHY he "picked" me. Changed his ideas about being married, etc. He told me that I was the "most agreeable". And see, I'm not offended or anything. I get it. But 99% of women would never want a guy that was like he is. They need more emotional interaction.

 

I think you KNOW in your heart what to do. It sounds like he's just not the "one" for you.

 

FWIW - as always, take what you can and leave the rest.

[Treasa]

"It feels like no one sees what I see. Except maybe his family, who at least knows he's prone to being irritable. He got all pissy when we went skiing on Saturday with his parents and his mom told me that when he grumbled while riding the chair lift with her, she jokingly said to him, "Hmmm, would you like cheese and crackers with that?" And we both laughed."

 

Sweetheart, I was already going to tell you that this is over and you should move on, but then I decided to read some of your past posts, and I swear to GOD it was like an icy hand gripped my heart.

 

Please tell me if these look familiar. I will bold the ones I was able to identify from your posts.

 

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

Please...I was in a relationship like this for SIX YEARS. Please don't do this to yourself. Leave now before you endure another three years of this crap. Narcs are the worst, because they manipulate everyone around them so easily that, to everyone else, they seem awesome. They save their abuse for those closest to them, and they crave attention, even negative attention, and are hypersensitive to criticism, but have no problems leveling it at others.

 

Please. Get out of there.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi GC,

 

Nice to see you on here again, though I'm sorry it's under these circumstances.

 

From your description, so much wasn't working for you in this relationship that nothing short of a deep spiritual epiphany (on his part!) during this month apart would have made any difference. He clearly didn't have one.

 

I think you know what you need to do. (((hugs)))

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG,

 

Yes, I know what I need to do. On the upside, he's really helping out in that process with his lackadaisical response. I am just going to let him hang himself--maybe he'll contact me tomorrow as he said he would; maybe not...I'm going to be away from internet all of tomorrow evening so I won't know either way and I'm expecting nada--and I'll agree to meet with him whenever he's ready and do the job.

 

It's sad. He had some redeeming qualities and I truly care for him, but I have had misgivings about this relationship all along. I stayed when I could have gone, because so much in the rest of my life was on shaky ground and I think I went into "survival mode," enjoying the love of and love for his family and the security that provided, even if it meant continuing in a dynamic (with K.) that made me insecure. It's a lesson in not getting involved with someone while you're trying to set up a new life in a new place, especially when nothing is going like you'd hoped.

 

More than that, it's a lesson in trusting my instincts. I've had a really hard time with that, because my gut reactions are so visceral. I know with the guy that brought me out west, he pulled a wonky thing with insurance just a week or so before I was scheduled to move and it flooded me with a feeling of, "This is wrong. He's wrong for me and I shouldn't move, or at least not to be with him." I thought about trying to communicate my misgivings to him, but I knew he'd have a perfectly logical explanation that would sound perfectly logical to me. And I thought I must be overreacting since yes, without the misgivings, it seemed perfectly logical. But my misgivings were not just stirred by that ONE incident, but by many, many tiny incidents that occurred before that. ANd not just incidents, information from time spent together. That information coalesced into my mind as an unrelenting tide of misgivings--my instincts telling me that he was wrong, wrong, wrong. And the truth was, as much as I could not assign those instincts to ONE thing he did, or said, they were every bit as valuable as if I could. Perhaps even more so, though they they elude logic. The equation goes like this: If it makes you feel bad/sad/confused more often than it makes you happy/understood/in your better self, it's WRONG. And you owe it to yourself to act on that information. I don't think I had that understanding or empowerment to do so two years ago, three years ago when the relationship started...or even one year ago. But I do now. It was hard-won, but I do now.

 

(((hugs back)))

[sunshinegirl]

Oh, such hard lessons to learn.

 

On the topic of trusting your gut, I have heard that "The Gift of Fear" is very good, at least in terms of helping explain what our "gut" feelings are and how we really really should listen to them. Not that the general topic of the book is relevant for this particular relationship (it's more about abuse/crime/violence), but you might find it to be an interesting read once all the dust settles.

 

You sound like you're on solid emotional footing even though this is undoubtedly hard. I hope you feel settled enough into your life now that you have a good support system to lean on.

[tbf]

New username but same tbf. Welcome back but for an unfortunate reason.

 

I'm not going to tell you to break up with him. Only here to advise you not to respond to his email. Let him sweat it out.

[Zapbasket]

In his email reply to me on Sunday, he'd said he'd get back to me today. He didn't. I didn't really expect him to, but there is a continued element of surprise and confusion because I also didn't expect him to be so vague and noncommittal in his original response.

 

It doesn't change anything for me, in terms of what I know needs to be done. And I know it's not healthy to try to pick apart the motivations; rather I need to be focused on how his response and then lack of follow-through has made me feel.

 

Even so...if any of you were on what was agreed upon as a "break" in the relationship, and your partner contacted you suggesting a meeting and conversation and being clear about her intent, would you respond as he did? I wouldn't. If I wasn't ready to talk I'd say so explicitly. If I promised to get back to the other person on a certain day, I'd be SURE to do so, no matter how busy I was.

 

It just feels really sh*tty and invalidating; even knowing I no longer want to go on as to me this response was the final straw, it still feels sh*tty and invalidating.

[Zapbasket]

New username but same tbf. Welcome back but for an unfortunate reason.

 

I'm not going to tell you to break up with him. Only here to advise you not to respond to his email. Let him sweat it out.

 

Hi TBF. I figured that was you.

 

No, I'm not going to reach out again. But given he didn't get back to me like he said he would in his email, how shall I best handle it if he doesn't contact me again, or waits weeks to contact me? We left things that we were on a break, so my understanding was that if either one of us were not interested in continuing the relationship, we would let the other know, and the break would become a break-up. If he never contacts me, then I can't let him know that I have decided it's time for us to move on with no expectation of ever being in a relationship again.

 

And if he waits several weeks to contact me, then that really sucks emotionally, because I don't want any surprises in my email; I don't want him seeing my FB posts; the whole thing leaves me in limbo not knowing what his intents and motivations are and dreading his contact. With things left like they are now, I don't feel I can block him on FB because it's communicating "The End" without any face to face discussion and that makes me just as bad as he is.

 

Plus, we live in a small valley literally five minutes away from each other and two minutes away from the town's major supermarkets.

 

Not sure how best to handle it except to just try my best to block it all from my mind and to avoid him wherever possible so as to minimize risk of an encounter.

[tbf]

Hi TBF. I figured that was you.

 

No, I'm not going to reach out again. But given he didn't get back to me like he said he would in his email, how shall I best handle it if he doesn't contact me again, or waits weeks to contact me? We left things that we were on a break, so my understanding was that if either one of us were not interested in continuing the relationship, we would let the other know, and the break would become a break-up. If he never contacts me, then I can't let him know that I have decided it's time for us to move on with no expectation of ever being in a relationship again.

 

And if he waits several weeks to contact me, then that really sucks emotionally, because I don't want any surprises in my email; I don't want him seeing my FB posts; the whole thing leaves me in limbo not knowing what his intents and motivations are and dreading his contact. With things left like they are now, I don't feel I can block him on FB because it's communicating "The End" without any face to face discussion and that makes me just as bad as he is.

 

Plus, we live in a small valley literally five minutes away from each other and two minutes away from the town's major supermarkets.

 

Not sure how best to handle it except to just try my best to block it all from my mind and to avoid him wherever possible so as to minimize risk of an encounter.

Play it by ear. Don't contact him. Don't avoid him.

 

If he cares enough, he'll come to you. In the interim, don't live your life waiting for his next move. Don't worry about the agreement. He's already violated his terms. Go out and have some fun.

[sunshinegirl]

Even so...if any of you were on what was agreed upon as a "break" in the relationship, and your partner contacted you suggesting a meeting and conversation and being clear about her intent, would you respond as he did? I wouldn't. If I wasn't ready to talk I'd say so explicitly. If I promised to get back to the other person on a certain day, I'd be SURE to do so, no matter how busy I was.

 

Of course I would respond as you would. And of course it stings that he's not choosing to be communicative...at issue is the fact that he doesn't think or behave as you do (or that you wish he would).

 

I had a very similar situation in 2005. I suggested a break-not-a-breakup with my BF at the time - 2 or 3 weeks apart to figure out what we each wanted. I, of course, wanted the relationship, but he had been acting funny so I figured I'd give him space. I also figured he would use the space to miss me and realize the good thing we had. He had, in fact, protested the break so I thought he just needed to regroup to recommit to us.

 

But the writing was on the wall when I reached out to suggest a get-together a few weeks later and he delayed, delayed, delayed responding and then put off a live conversation for 3 weeks with lame, vague excuses. Somehow in all that I still imagined that the relationship was salvageable, but in retrospect it was crystal clear that it was over.

 

I know the horrible feeling of this limbo period, and yes, it would be extremely crappy of him to just fade away at this point. Decency says a conversation to end the relationship is the right thing to do.

 

But I would suggest that you let go of the *need* to have that conversation. If he fades away, that is his way of telling you it's over. It's disrespectful and rude, but that's your answer. There's really no need for a follow up conversation after that - they are usually painful and don't resolve anything anyway. If you need to (for yourself), you could email him to say you're officially done. But I'd keep it short, and I wouldn't try to rehash things or try to understand why he was such a douche, etc.

 

When that 2005 ex finally agreed to meet me, we went out to dinner and he waited until the end of the meal to tell me his feelings had changed and he only wanted to be friends. It sucked. I instituted No Contact right away, and grieved heavily. A few months later, I thought I was a little more "together" and that I desperately needed answers - closure - as to what had happened. We had been talking about marriage, after all. So I reached out by email and held my breath until he responded a day or two later... and it was a completely unsatisfying, upsetting, no-closure-achieved-at-all answer. Not worth it.

 

The thing to remember is that when the other person chooses to dis-invest, they have moved on and neither want to rehash things, nor do they really care about your well being and your need for closure and answers.

 

Hang in there, GC. Follow TBF's advice - get out there and try to have some fun doing your own thing.

[Zapbasket]

SSG, your story helps more than you can know. It makes me so happy for you to see your evolution from sweet, trusting, hopeful SSG who kept getting screwed by commitment-phobic douches and was too often in a state of confusion and hurt, to sweet, trusting SSG who is strong in herself and with a guy who doesn't leave her wondering. I can imagine how it feels for you to know you are supported and loved, as you should be :-)

[Zapbasket]

Narcs are the worst, because they manipulate everyone around them so easily that, to everyone else, they seem awesome. They save their abuse for those closest to them, and they crave attention, even negative attention, and are hypersensitive to criticism, but have no problems leveling it at others.

 

Please. Get out of there.

 

Hey Treasa,

 

This guy is not a narc, but the guy I dated previous to this guy was a textbook case of NPD. I'm so glad to be out of that relationship. I'm sorry you had to endure six years of that; I had only to endure 1.5 and that was more than sufficient .

[Zapbasket]

So, when I got up this morning at 7:15, K. had emailed me five minutes before. Here's what he said:

 

Good Morning, GreenCove.

 

I'm trying to work through some emotions right now. I want to talk to you but I need a little more time; I hope by the end of next week. Have a great weekend.

 

I know I said that if he had sent me this on Sunday in response to my original email, I'd have been okay with it. But the thought of being dragged on indefinitely just makes my heart sink. I can't handle that kind of limbo. It keeps me from being able to enjoy myself and I agree with TBF that that's what I need to be doing. I fear that if I just let this go, without responding, he'll take weeks to get back to me--I notice how he doesn't commit to next week, either, just says he "hopes" by the END of next week. I can't do that to myself.

 

I'm going to take until this evening to make the final decision, but I think the best thing is for me to email him and just end it. To say that I'd wanted us to talk face to face, but given he has opted out of that, email is my only choice.

 

For the record, I was genuine when I wrote to him originally saying that I still saw us as on a break and this not being a break-up. But when I saw his reply to me, and thought about it in the context of the rest of the relationship, it changed my mind. I feel bad having said one thing and doing another.

 

But I know that if I were SSG's friend back in 2005 when this guy put her off and put her off, I'd have told her to think of herself, protect herself, and when he didn't agree to meet up right away, to just spare herself the limbo and end it once and for all.

 

This really sucks.

[sunshinegirl]

Ugh. I am annoyed on your behalf by his email. Just enough crumbs to give you hope that he might "come around," yet he keeps you dangling for a still-unknown time period. Barf.

 

If you decide to end the limbo by ending things unilaterally (And so what that you originally saw this as a break, not break-up? You've since changed your mind. You're allowed.), be prepared for him to suddenly be all "what? nooooooo! I want to beeee with you!" It's important to note that, as nice as this will be to hear, the sentiment changes nothing about the underlying dynamic, which you described as:

 

Note that one of the problems I told him I was having with the relationship was that I felt he didn't really love me, that he didn't put in an effort, that he never brings up the future together, and doesn't seem to have clear plans for his own future nor does he seem to be making moves to get out of the rut he's been in for as long as we've been dating.

 

Big hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, I must admit that there is a part of me that hopes for that "Nooooo! I want to beeee with you!" response. I've touched base over and over this past hour with myself and I'm confident that my principle motivation is to protect myself by ending it unilaterally. Also, our dynamic in and of itself has enough limbo already--coming from him--and I simply cannot put up with one drop more.

 

And while I'm admitting things, I'll also admit that if I send a break-up email and receive radio silence, I will also feel like sh*t. I'm just hoping that my conviction that I am being the friend to myself that I would be to others in my situation will carry me through.

 

It's about time I started sticking up for myself in these situations, don'tcha think?

 

So here's a draft of the email response I am considering sending him. Thoughts appreciated.

 

Hi K,

 

 

I understand not feeling ready to talk, and if putting it off indefinitely is what feels best for you I can't stand in the way of that.

 

 

 

I'm really sorry, though, because I can't handle the ongoing limbo. It confuses me and makes me sad, and it affects my ability to move forward and make clear decisions. For me to be able to uphold a "break," I need to know that despite the time and distance granted one another, when the need arises for one of us to communicate with the other face to face, we can give each other that. Otherwise in my mind a break becomes a prolonged state of limbo and non-commitment and not the opportunity to better ourselves for ourselves, and for the relationship, one way or other.

 

 

And so, in light of your decision I feel the best thing for me is to end the relationship. I am so sorry and I hate to do this over email but there is no other choice. I love you but I have to do what will best enable me to move forward.

 

 

Please respect that I need time and space away from you in order to heal and that means I may have to block you in whatever ways I can. It does not mean that I hate you or never want to see or talk to you again; it's just what I need to do to move on.

 

 

I wish only the best for you.

 

GreenCove

[sunshinegirl]

It's a lovely message. Very kind to him.

 

A few thoughts. First, I hope and trust that you feel ready and want to take this step. I know I have advocated for it, but if in your heart of hearts you're not ready to end the relationship, don't. No judgment here. The limbo sucks, but if you want to wait it out and see what he has to say on the other side of it, I don't blame you for that. I don't think you'll hear what you want to hear, but I get wanting to hear it nonetheless.

 

If you DO want to proceed with ending the relationship, I would suggest adding some language around the following two points:

 

--His putting off conversation is indicative of a pattern in your relationship that wasn't working for you. You're not ending things soley because he didn't want to talk right away; it's because his response to your request to talk was "more of the same" and the "same" isn't acceptable to you anymore.

--If he is still working through his emotions a month into the break, it means he obviously hasn't had a big epiphany yet. Dollars to donuts, he's not going to have one in the next 10 days, either. And you need epiphany-level "a-ha's" from him. All signs point to that not happening, so you're deciding to cut your losses now.

 

I'm suggesting the above to anticipate objections he might raise - that it's unfair to end things just because he wasn't ready to talk. You're reading the writing on the wall, not punishing him.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks. I thought it might sound like I was breaking up to punish him for not agreeing to talk with me when I wanted it. When that's not what it is at all.

 

I will admit, though, that I feel a bit like "punishing" him by not giving him clear reasons. I break my back trying to be "clear" and all I get is vague emails not outright refusing to meet with me, but not committing to anything, either. Which is the story of the whole relationship.

 

So here's the line I'm thinking of inserting: "Ultimately, my decision to leave the relationship is not about you wanting to postpone a face-to-face conversation."

 

ANd yes, I am ready to do this. It makes me sad, because I really wanted to have a chance for us to talk before making this decision, but I meant what I said in my letter, that going on in limbo is not going to help me move forward. Earlier this year I tore a ligament (ACL) in my knee and had to have reconstructive surgery and am undergoing long, slow rehab. I vowed to myself when the accident happened (skiing, of course) that I would turn the situation into a win. I NEED to be at my best self, for ME, right now so that I can take full advantage of some of the opportunities coming my way and continue the walk toward a version of my life closer to what I want.

 

I do love him. I know it sounds nuts given how unsatisfying this relationship has been, but he is smart, ultimately good-hearted, and has that kind of quirky-nerdy-weird humor that I delight in. We have some great things in common. But I am so tired of finding myself in the situation where I feel like I'm "chasing after" someone to get basic needs met. It's not unreasonable after three years to expect that there would be some serious talk about the future. That should have been happening within the first YEAR. I just cannot justify doing it anymore.

[tbf]

Additionally, I saw his mom tonight and she said he's not busy, just "testing" me to see whether I'll be cool with this or whether I'll "hammer" at him like I supposedly usually do.

GC, thought I'd bring this up again. Does it sound familiar, not only in his actions but yours?

 

Edit: My suggestion is not to respond at all.

Edited May 23, 2013 by tbf