summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Me: 20 Ex: 19 Background: -Dated for two years -Long distance relationship (1-2 hour drive) for first year of dating. -Got into top tier university together and moved into same apartment together since last summer. We both moved out of state together to attend the same university (our academic and future plans aligned) -We still live together (with other apartmentmates) as the lease has not ended -He broke up with me beginning of April this year Problem: My boyfriend and I met two years ago and after a few months of being friends, we began dating. I am his first serious relationship and he is my second. We had a rocky relationship due to usual circumstances that makes couples short-tempered and have unnecessary conflicts but we still loved each other deeply and committed ourselves to eventually becoming engaged after earning our degrees. As time went on, he grew exhausted from not knowing how to experience a stable and exciting relationship he envisions, as for me, I realized that after dating so long and being in the situation we were in, its not unusual to have these problems that were just temporary in my mind. We had been going strong shortly before the breakup. End of March, I discovered I had cancerous tumors. I was terrified. Shocked. I was in complete denial. I was just mentally unstable and made the most regretful decision: I lied to my bf that I had a one night stand. I love him to death and my logic/mentality was just twisted when I found out about my health. He always told me he wouldn't know how to live if something terrible happened to me. I internalized that for the longest time and when I faced a tragedy, I was stupid and didn't know how to share the truth to him. He was so upset and angered, believing I cheated on him. A month later, my symptoms progressed and I made the decision to be truthful to him. He was so shocked once again and couldn't believe that I am causing his life to "go up and down". I told him my intention was rooted from love but it was a very wrong decision to make. He said sorry for my situation but his feelings for me is gone and he doesn't want to be in a relationship for at least several years. He says "I just want to focus on myself and just be single. I feel much happier and my happiness is more stable". I begged for him back for so long and always tried to speak to him but he shunned me out of his life. The muslim man I loved, the one who demonstrated his commitment to our future, the one who dislikes modern day dating culture, especially in college (sex, partying, alcohol) seems to be COMPLETELY different now. He hangs out with the crowd he always had a distaste for in the past. I even found out that he's infatuated with someone who does drugs and they even hooked up the first day they met. This doesn't seem like him at all. He asked the slut to move in with him once he moves into his new apartment in a month. Since we live together, I see him on a daily basis whenever we run into each other in the apartment. He never asks me how I'm doing despite claiming to "care about me as a friend". He puts a lot of effort to shun me and act like I don't even exist. Question: Is this just a phase for him? Is his new fling (he met probably 3 weeks after we ended) a rebound? I have been attempting "little contact" since we still live together and won't be able to move out for another month, how can I cope with this? Although I had my share of wrong, it's unbelievable that even after viewing my health records, he has little to nothing to say. I can't make sense of this at all!
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 OYE. First, I'm sorry about your health. I hope you are getting everything taken care of. As for the relationship, lots of turmoil is NOT normal.. You think it is because you are young and everything is chaos and turmoil at your age. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. Unfortunately, you lied to him. About hooking up with somebody of all things. And you're both muslim? I imagine that went over like a big brick. So I'm not sure you get to question his current decisions. It could be he is "sowing his oats" before he settles down with somebody. It happens. Even among the most faithfully devout. I think at this point you are going to have to look within yourself and start addressing the things you did in this relationship and fix those things to prepare for the next relationship. I'm sorry you are hurting. You will get over this. 1
happydate Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Me: 20 Ex: 19 Background: -Dated for two years -Long distance relationship (1-2 hour drive) for first year of dating. -Got into top tier university together and moved into same apartment together since last summer. We both moved out of state together to attend the same university (our academic and future plans aligned) -We still live together (with other apartmentmates) as the lease has not ended -He broke up with me beginning of April this year Problem: My boyfriend and I met two years ago and after a few months of being friends, we began dating. I am his first serious relationship and he is my second. We had a rocky relationship due to usual circumstances that makes couples short-tempered and have unnecessary conflicts but we still loved each other deeply and committed ourselves to eventually becoming engaged after earning our degrees. As time went on, he grew exhausted from not knowing how to experience a stable and exciting relationship he envisions, as for me, I realized that after dating so long and being in the situation we were in, its not unusual to have these problems that were just temporary in my mind. We had been going strong shortly before the breakup. End of March, I discovered I had cancerous tumors. I was terrified. Shocked. I was in complete denial. I was just mentally unstable and made the most regretful decision: I lied to my bf that I had a one night stand. I love him to death and my logic/mentality was just twisted when I found out about my health. He always told me he wouldn't know how to live if something terrible happened to me. I internalized that for the longest time and when I faced a tragedy, I was stupid and didn't know how to share the truth to him. He was so upset and angered, believing I cheated on him. A month later, my symptoms progressed and I made the decision to be truthful to him. He was so shocked once again and couldn't believe that I am causing his life to "go up and down". I told him my intention was rooted from love but it was a very wrong decision to make. He said sorry for my situation but his feelings for me is gone and he doesn't want to be in a relationship for at least several years. He says "I just want to focus on myself and just be single. I feel much happier and my happiness is more stable". I begged for him back for so long and always tried to speak to him but he shunned me out of his life. The muslim man I loved, the one who demonstrated his commitment to our future, the one who dislikes modern day dating culture, especially in college (sex, partying, alcohol) seems to be COMPLETELY different now. He hangs out with the crowd he always had a distaste for in the past. I even found out that he's infatuated with someone who does drugs and they even hooked up the first day they met. This doesn't seem like him at all. He asked the slut to move in with him once he moves into his new apartment in a month. Since we live together, I see him on a daily basis whenever we run into each other in the apartment. He never asks me how I'm doing despite claiming to "care about me as a friend". He puts a lot of effort to shun me and act like I don't even exist. Question: Is this just a phase for him? Is his new fling (he met probably 3 weeks after we ended) a rebound? I have been attempting "little contact" since we still live together and won't be able to move out for another month, how can I cope with this? Although I had my share of wrong, it's unbelievable that even after viewing my health records, he has little to nothing to say. I can't make sense of this at all! These days, people take intimate exclusive relationships as something of a label you can brag about while either one partner, when things get tough, go out and cheat and then come back and say sorry but I still love him. I can't figure out the logic in this and I think that's the reason your BF can't figure out the logic in you. What you had done is you had betrayed his trust. Once trust is betrayed, there will never be any integrity from either party. My advise is deal with the cancer. There is an underlying reason for your sickness and you must do your very best to heal it at all costs. Don't worry about him as there are other men out there who will love you once you're healed. The past is in the past and while you had done yourself wrong, perhaps if you ask God for mercy and forgiveness and pray for God to help heal your cancer, then this will be the most significant milestone you will have achieved yourself. Heal your heart and love yourself is most important in this day of crisis. Believe in the miracles of God and one day, he will help you if your heart is pure.
Author summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I was very wrong for lying to him. Since we have broken up, I know I am in no position to question what he is doing. After having lived together for 2 years, it's so bizarre to me that I am treated in such a way even though he knows the entire truth now. I am scheduled to get my tumors surgically removed soon and am under the care of specialist. I do not think lots of turmoil is at all normal. I was saying that having conflicts such as unnecessary arguments or quarrels happens in so many relationships and we identified there are stress factors in our lives that impacts us. In comparison to other couples, we are lucky to not deal with infidelity or major incompatibility or anything that seems impossible to resolve.
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 My advise is deal with the cancer. There is an underlying reason for your sickness and you must do your very best to heal it at all costs. Don't worry about him as there are other men out there who will love you once you're healed. The past is in the past and while you had done yourself wrong, perhaps if you ask God for mercy and forgiveness and pray for God to help heal your cancer, then this will be the most significant milestone you will have achieved yourself. Heal your heart and love yourself is most important in this day of crisis. Believe in the miracles of God and one day, he will help you if your heart is pure. Whoa, this is pretty cruel to say and quite honestly, uncalled for. You're saying she deserved this and only if she does things a certain way will G-d consider healing her. What an awful thing to say. That is so not how G-d works. Thank you very much.
Author summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I wasn't sure if the point was missed but I did not cheat on him. The relationship was very sacred and valuable to me. In my moment of being most fragile and sensitive, the logic behind my decision was just difficult to understand.
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I wasn't sure if the point was missed but I did not cheat on him. The relationship was very sacred and valuable to me. In my moment of being most fragile and sensitive, the logic behind my decision was just difficult to understand. I know you didn't. I saw where you lied and said you cheated on him to hide the health issues. I can't understand why you did that, but trust you had a reason.
Tinie Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Aside from your mistake in lying to him, you are both very young. Relationships at that age tend not to last. Learn from your mistakes, it's the best you can do. Best of luck and keep your chin up. I hope you overcome your cancer, be strong.
Author summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I know you didn't. I saw where you lied and said you cheated on him to hide the health issues. I can't understand why you did that, but trust you had a reason. To be honest, when I first found out the shocking news, my sisters were with me at the doctor's. They were the only ones who knew. Learning that there are complications and potential for being physically handicapped (as it is located near my spine), my world just felt like it came to an end. I couldn't bear the thought of being a vegetable and either the process bringing tremendous pain to my partner or that he'd leave me in that moment. There were too many possibilities to consider. All I knew at that point was that I felt like a toxic burden and that he is so brilliant and it is our first year at this top tier university and he deserves to have a future without me. To be angered by my "betrayal" that he could fuel that into self-growth and propel towards his bright future while I deal with the uncertainty of mine. In no way do I justify or excuse my extremely terrible made-up story, but my goal of severing our bond had in fact been successful and upon that reality, I was so remorseful and regretful. It is too late and in less than a month, he has let go of all feelings for me, he says.
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 To be honest, when I first found out the shocking news, my sisters were with me at the doctor's. They were the only ones who knew. Learning that there are complications and potential for being physically handicapped (as it is located near my spine), my world just felt like it came to an end. I couldn't bear the thought of being a vegetable and either the process bringing tremendous pain to my partner or that he'd leave me in that moment. There were too many possibilities to consider. All I knew at that point was that I felt like a toxic burden and that he is so brilliant and it is our first year at this top tier university and he deserves to have a future without me. To be angered by my "betrayal" that he could fuel that into self-growth and propel towards his bright future while I deal with the uncertainty of mine. In no way do I justify or excuse my extremely terrible made-up story, but my goal of severing our bond had in fact been successful and upon that reality, I was so remorseful and regretful. It is too late and in less than a month, he has let go of all feelings for me, he says. Awww, I understand your heart might have been in the right place. But you robbed him of being there. And therefore robbed yourself of him being there. I think you know this now. What a tough lesson to learn. I hope you have a great support system right there for you. This is a lot to go through. You should never have thought of yourself as a toxic burden. Nor should you want to be with somebody who views you as a toxic burden. You never got to find out if that's how he would have viewed you. My heart hurts for you. I wish you great health and happiness.
FailedFirstLove Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 why are you worried about this guy who can't forgive you and left you side! I'm More worried about your cancer! You have to not give up to the cancer! You have to heal yourself and let your mind be at peace. Please take care of yourself before you worry about a guy. Do you have your family and friends supporting you? For your sake I really hope he does come back and support you. But you know you dot need him. To have everyone else
Author summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Awww, I understand your heart might have been in the right place. But you robbed him of being there. And therefore robbed yourself of him being there. I think you know this now. What a tough lesson to learn. I hope you have a great support system right there for you. This is a lot to go through. You should never have thought of yourself as a toxic burden. Nor should you want to be with somebody who views you as a toxic burden. You never got to find out if that's how he would have viewed you. My heart hurts for you. I wish you great health and happiness. Thank you so much for your warm wishes. I know I robbed him from being there but in just a matter of weeks, it seems like he's become a stranger and moved on. I understand we all react differently to different situations and I can't expect him to react the way I would, but I falsely believed that realizing a made-up story (while damaged trust) was false would bring some relief that he was never cheated on and that the much larger problem (my health) would be enough for him to want to stay, support, and love me.
Author summermemories Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 why are you worried about this guy who can't forgive you and left you side! I'm More worried about your cancer! You have to not give up to the cancer! You have to heal yourself and let your mind be at peace. Please take care of yourself before you worry about a guy. Do you have your family and friends supporting you? For your sake I really hope he does come back and support you. But you know you dot need him. To have everyone else What would happen for him to come back?
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