insomniax Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Hello all i have had some things rattling around in my brain concering my most recent relationship and just wanted to put them out there. If anyone has any comments or responses i thank you for reading and appreciate them as this may become lengthy. Anyway here goes. So as of a few months ago i became single again, i was with a girl for 3 years (completly long distance). Here fairly recently i had learned that she had began seeing another person and quite possibly began talking to him while we were still together as with what information she told me thats what conclusion i came to. I decided to confront her on this (i had spoken about some of this in my other thread but at the time i was fairly angry aat the situation). She told me something in one of our phone conversations (which she was drunk in the 2 times she called me and had supposdly had attempted suicide). What bothered me is that she told me "there is something that wants me to stay here" i thought to myself thats great to hear but it quickly dawned on me that i had heard it before. She had tried to commit suicide before while we were together, it hurt me so much that she could do something so selfish and upset me and all those around her who cared. I continued to think that all this may of just been some kind of strange manipulation. She later told me that she went through a huge fight with her current boyfriend and was really "stressed". I almost feel sorry for the guy, i mean they have barely been together and what if she dropped something like that on him? She had told me that i saved her while we were together, i tried so hard to make her realize that she doesnt need someone else to be happy but its a nice addition to your life. T After all this discussion i went on to ask if she would like to continue talking (i was just making a nice gesture) i had also told her if we were going to talk at all the past had to be let go. Which we both agreed to. She proceedes to tell me that she doesnt think "i am ready to talk to her yet" after she was the one who reached out to me. She told me that i had "freaked out" when i confronted her about seeing the new guy while possibly still dating me which imo is just fine for any self respecting person to do. I went on to informed her that i was doing just fine and i had not contacted her up to this point for a reason. I really did and do feel alot better and tried my best to move on in the right way. After all my being nice to her she still tells me i am rude and a dick and "bye" and goes on about how she wont make the mistake of contacting me again. I told her i hope she finds her happiness and goodbye. I find it sad that she wont just take some time and try and sort herself out emontionally. I still think of her and care but i wont throw myself at her or just be some kind of door mat. I want to wish her happy graduation (as she is graduating soon) but i dont even think we could have a civilized conversation. Part of me is very glad its over, part of me is sad to still see her struggle, part of me wishes it could of worked, but a bigger part of me knows its for the best and she is the only one who can change herself so me staying away is most likely for the best. I was determined to not let this breakup completly drag my life down like i have with past ones. I still miss my ex from time to time but you gotta keep moving foreward. I hope this is not too all over the place thanks if you read .
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Stop trying to rescue her. Are you a rescuer in all your relationships? Find a girl you think you can swoop in and save? Guess what? You can't save her. You seem to recognize she's being manipulative. Why why why would you want her in your life? Ignore her. You're feeding her ego. TRUST ME. You deserve better than this. Go find a girl that doesn't need fixing. It'll feel refreshing.
Author insomniax Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 No this is the only relationship that i have had like this, you are right i cant save her. It was a big burdon feeling that way too. I havent spoken to her in a few weeks and wont be contacting her as i know its for the best. I may find the right girl one day, i am not terribly worried about it. I am mainly focused on my work and me and whats best for myself at this time. 1
maturityassets Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 You can never save a person. They can only save themselves. My recent ex, didn't have a bone of integrity in her body. I had to convince her to go back to college after a year off because she wanted some time after she needed a surgery. Even when we broke up, she listened to the two people who betrayed her in the past to break up with me rather than all the others who were close to her (mom, best friend, sister) who said to work on the relationship because I was worth it. The night we broke up I offered her an extra 2 or 3 weeks for her to think on it a little extra and then we can talk on what she decided. She said no. 3 weeks later after she hooked up with a couple of guys she wanted to see if we could "spark" again. I realized with all my intelligence, foresight, self-experience, good values, goals, intentions, and setting of examples I can't help her in making the right choices. She even tries to add me on Facebook 3 weeks after I deleted her and we had our closure talk where I stated I needed a long time before we could ever act like friends. And right now she says she could never view me as more than a friend, with her lack of integrity I wouldn't be surprised if 6-12 months from now she admits how she messed up somehow. She will have to learn integrity and maturity on her own. Just like how your ex needs to learn how not only to appreciate those who care about her, but herself as well. She isn't your responsibility, you can care for her in some form or another but you can never blame yourself for anything or wish she would realize what is best for her.
Author insomniax Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 You have some good points thanks for the response. My ex wanted to be "friends" after we split, i declined and she got irrited and i explained myself but to no avail. I did and am trying my best to move on in the right way and work on my own happiness. She just jumped right into another relationship instead of trying to cope with her own issues. I know shes not very happy, she told me that "she was much happier being with someone who didnt treat her like ****". Ha! Right, thats why she called me up telling me she tried to kill herself because she is so happy. I must be a terrible person for even tho i still cared and tried to offer comfort. Give me a break? Right? I even wished her well in her new relationship. I am deff not perfect in the relationship by any means i made alot of mistakes. I told her i took responsibilty for them and that i was sorry. I feel like i did all i could and can feel like i did my best to make things right between the 2 of us. I will still care for her and i dont hate her, maybe one day she will realize we had a good thing that could of been easily salvaged with some work but if it doesnt come oh well. I dont think i would even be very upset or upset at all if i ran into her. Which is highly unlikly because of the distance.
aisuru Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I suspect she doesn't even realize she has a problem because she's so busy hiding in relationships. Some day, she'll realize that the only person who can fix/save her is herself. You are doing the right thing. I know it's hard to watch somebody you care about be self destructive, especially when some things just make plain old common sense to you. You tried. Now you move on. As you apparently seem to get. It just takes a little time.
Author insomniax Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 She had told me before she always "needs someone" so yeah hiding in relationships would be pretty spot on. I know that its the logical thing to move on and its what i am working on doing. I still miss her at times but i am sure it will fade as the days go on. I put alot of myself into the relationship, even had asked her to marry me (she said yes). I try my best not to hold on to these things as i know that its not the present its the past. Its pretty helpful to get things out on here, i still have many questions unanswered about us but they probably wont ever be answered and i dont really want to put myself out there to her and just get hurt more.
bluecrabroll Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I went through the same thing and even now after 3 months NC I think about it from time to time. I miss her and I also feel sad for her for her self destructive behavior and bad decisions in life. I'm in the medical field and its natural for me to try to save someone. Deep down I wanted to save her like you do with your ex. It's best to let them go. The only way to save someone is to let them learn their own mistakes and live their own life. Save yourself from being stuck in the past and try to move on.
Recommended Posts