Moving on...

[J_L_C]

It's been quite some time since I've had any contact with the ex-boyfriend. He had been pushing for a friendship and that ended poorly. He finally made the decision that it would be best for us to no longer be in contact with each other and to abort the idea of a friendship actually working.

 

Here's the thing: I have been doing my best to move on. For those of you who know my story:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/376826-sherlock-holmes-couldn-t-figure-out, you know it's take me a long, long time. I was in contact with him incessantly for 7 months or so after our breakup...it's now been 10 months since the breakup. Of course the lack of contact has helped to calm things down, but I can't help but wonder what he is up to. I also have this nagging feeling inside of me every day...I keep thinking I may hear from him. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day down the road. I want to squash that feeling because if it doesn't ever happen, I know it'll bring me down again and I fear being put back to that horrible, terrible place my mind was stuck for so very long. He could very well reach out one day from now, month or year, but I want to stop thinking about this possibility that may never come.

 

Any ideas on how to keep from hoping that may one day happen?

[younglove17]

I know exactly what you're going through... my ex and I broke up a month ago and have been NC the entire time yet I feel like some day he will randomly contact me out of the blue. What I've come to realize is that if he does, it's his choice. He can no longer be a concern in your life, which is hard i know because you're so used to thinking of/worrying about him. Only time will tell if he will contact you again, but don't hold your breath. As soon as I decided i didn't care anymore, I was opened up to a whole bunch of guys that were just waiting for us to break up! and I'm sure the same is true for you. Good luck and keep your head held high and remember you just don't need him or need to concern yourself with what he does anymore.

[BustedUpInside]

I can totally relate to that feeling. I constantly have this feeling that I am forgetting something. That there is something that I need to do or that there is something that is supposed to happen and I can't remember what it is. To be totally honest, I don't think there really is a way to get over that feeling except for just to give it time. You haven't been out of contact very long, so it will definitely get better over the next few weeks. You said you feel like your ex is going to get in contact with you at some point. My response to that would be that if it does happen you will have to cross that bridge then, and if it doesn't then there is no reason for you to worry about it. Either way, it is not your concern. That won't stop the obsessive thoughts right now but if you keep up the mantra that it doesn't matter if it happens or not then eventually you really will see the truth of that statement.

 

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

[aisuru]

Look, the reality is that someday, it's more than likely you will speak again.

 

But for now, you take care of you and your life. You let him go.

 

Contact will happen unexpectedly and by golly, you should be healed up and indifferent by the time it happens. It will be much better then. Much better than those first 7 months post BU.

 

What are you doing to take care of yourself and move on?

[J_L_C]

See that's what I'm worried about...he may NEVER contact me down the road and that is the hope I'm trying to get out of my head because I'm practically latching onto it. I can't think it's inevitable he'll contact me again because he may not, so I want to kill that thought but it's all I hope for.

[aisuru]

See that's what I'm worried about...he may NEVER contact me down the road and that is the hope I'm trying to get out of my head because I'm practically latching onto it. I can't think it's inevitable he'll contact me again because he may not, so I want to kill that thought but it's all I hope for.

 

GIRL, every one of my ex boyfriends and some guys I've dated casually has at some point contacted me again. Mind you, sometimes to get together again, sometimes not.

 

It's pretty inevitable if you don't go nuts on them.

 

But here's the thing, you must let it go. Go read about push and pull in relationships. The more you push for contact, the more they pull away.

 

Want to hear a secret? I just got out of a year relationship with somebody who I can count on ONE hand the number of times I initiated contact with him, ie texted, called, or emailed first in a day. And I saw him pretty much every damn day! I am quite convinced it is what had him coming around in the beginning and kept him coming around when I was so obviously not in a position to be in a relationship and told him as such.

 

Stop feeling that fear and desperation. Well, keep it under control so you don't do something stupid. Because that is where you're at right now... fear and desperation. He'll smell it a mile away.

 

You'll be stronger for it.

[J_L_C]

The problem is that I DID sort of go nuts on him. I called, texted, emailed...pretty much pestered him for many, MANY months. I think he is glad to be rid of the contact and he is probably fearful that reaching out would start the barrage of communications again....but he's wrong. Took me a long time to realize what I was doing. I had so much hope and so much love for him, I just couldn't let it go. But it pushed him farther and farther away. So that may be the one single thing that prevents him from making contact. He made it clear he didn't think it was a good idea we talk anymore or pursue that friendship he kept wanting. He likely figures its just better to stay away and play it safe but I wish he knew it would be the pestering ways as they were before!!!

[aisuru]

Yeah.... been there done that. (and he still keeps in sporadic touch with me, HA!)

 

Take care of you. It's all you can do at this point.

[J_L_C]

The last communication I had with him was a brief email where at the end he said "All the best in love and life". We can only speak for how we feel "right now" but it does sound pretty final.

[aisuru]

The last communication I had with him was a brief email where at the end he said "All the best in love and life". We can only speak for how we feel "right now" but it does sound pretty final.

 

Do I need to shake ya a little?

 

You cannot hold out hope that he will contact you, no. He certainly won't contact you for reconciliation anytime soon.

 

However, I am here to tell you that they all come back out of the woodwork. It's just not on your timeline. You will have moved on. They may or may not have reconciliation on their mind.

 

It does not matter.

 

Time for you to take care of you.

 

End of story.

[siankat]

pfffff you need, to go BACK to this guy, deal with all the s*** there in, get confirmation that yes he is an assclown, and maybe then you will move on!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

pfffff you need, to go BACK to this guy, deal with all the s*** there in, get confirmation that yes he is an assclown, and maybe then you will move on!!!

 

That would be a horrible thing. This guy was a monster to her.

[aisuru]

That would be a horrible thing. This guy was a monster to her.

 

 

Even if he wasn't a monster, not a good idea. Good grief.

[J_L_C]

Despite it all, I would still like to hope for me and him to connect down the line and at least be civil to each other. It's still very hard for me to believe he's just walked away and wiped his hands clean of me...just like that. I wrecked the whole possibility of friendship based on my pestering and he sent me a "have a nice life" send off email. That's it? I'm nothing? Garbage? Thrown away?

[Simon Phoenix]

Despite it all, I would still like to hope for me and him to connect down the line and at least be civil to each other. It's still very hard for me to believe he's just walked away and wiped his hands clean of me...just like that. I wrecked the whole possibility of friendship based on my pestering and he sent me a "have a nice life" send off email. That's it? I'm nothing? Garbage? Thrown away?

 

You should examine why you want to be friends with such a piece of s--t in the first place. I really don't understand why you have so much little self-regard that you keep putting him on some sort of pedestal, though it's not as high of a pedestal as before.

 

But even not considering that, you have no idea what the future will hold, so it's a waste of your time to try to guess. Work on you so you can handle whatever comes your way. You can't control what he will or won't do -- you can control how you react to whatever comes in your direction. Concentrate on you, not him.

[mtnbiker3000]

You should examine why you want to be friends with such a piece of s--t in the first place. I really don't understand why you have so much little self-regard that you keep putting him on some sort of pedestal, though it's not as high of a pedestal as before.

 

But even not considering that, you have no idea what the future will hold, so it's a waste of your time to try to guess. Work on you so you can handle whatever comes your way. You can't control what he will or won't do -- you can control how you react to whatever comes in your direction. Concentrate on you, not him.

 

Soooo true ^^^ NOT easy, but true!!!

[Zahara]

That's it? I'm nothing? Garbage? Thrown away?

 

How would you define his treatment towards you in the end? Shouldn't that answer your above questions or are you still in denial?

 

He's given you answers to your questions. He gave you action. His actions showed you what you meant to him. You just cannot and refuse to accept it.

[siankat]

I disagree guys, there are hundred of threads, thousands of posts, some of which i have come across that support your nagging sense of self worth above ALL the good stuff you experienced with an ex. If jlc is still looking to keep something going (and lets face it that is what 'down the line' means), then it seems talking and advice is not going to give clarity. A good hard dose of reality from the asses mouth is what is needed i think for her to understand who he really is. JLC you are not getting it and maybe its cos u saw one bad thing in a sea of good....believe that these behaviours are often tip of the iceberg even if he's been 99% good. Some thingss, even if they happen once, are deal breakers. However im sure even this is wasted to repeat...sigh

 

Im not suggesting this to be cruel but i only truly ever got over a particular ex once i had seen him from all sides and that took longer than the relationship lasted

Edited May 21, 2013 by siankat

[J_L_C]

I disagree guys, there are hundred of threads, thousands of posts, some of which i have come across that support your nagging sense of self worth above ALL the good stuff you experienced with an ex. If jlc is still looking to keep something going (and lets face it that is what 'down the line' means), then it seems talking and advice is not going to give clarity. A good hard dose of reality from the asses mouth is what is needed i think for her to understand who he really is. JLC you are not getting it and maybe its cos u saw one bad thing in a sea of good....believe that these behaviours are often tip of the iceberg even if he's been 99% good. Some thingss, even if they happen once, are deal breakers. However im sure even this is wasted to repeat...sigh

 

Im not suggesting this to be cruel but i only truly ever got over a particular ex once i had seen him from all sides and that took longer than the relationship lasted

 

How did you go about doing this? See, I know I would NOT get back together with him. Not after the things he did to me (if you haven't read them & are curious, check them out on the link I posted at the top of this thread). The things he did ARE deal-breakers and I recognize this. I used to look at old pictures of him and cry...but now I just look at them and wonder who he really is. BUT...I do still have a problem with 'romanticizing' him based on what was there DURING the relationship. How did you get to the point where you were able to look back over the entire time you spent together (which I assume was positive or you wouldn't have been with him), and actually be able to use some of those negative behaviours as your solid ground on which you could finally move on?

 

ALSO...I am very anxious about him getting into another relationship. If it hasn't happened yet, it is bound to soon enough. I am worried I will plummet to the depths of despair once I hear this. I can't explain it. I know what he did to me was terrible and I wouldn't get back together with him if he came on all fours begging, BUT...to think of him starting something else with someone and being the 'sweet, sensitive, caring' guy he was when we were together just sickens me. He treated me like $hit, yet he will wind up being in a happy relationship soon enough. That's just how he is. Yet here I am, STILL unable to completely pick myself up off the floor, let alone even contemplate the dating game.

[thefooloftheyear]

See that's what I'm worried about...he may NEVER contact me down the road and that is the hope I'm trying to get out of my head because I'm practically latching onto it. I can't think it's inevitable he'll contact me again because he may not, so I want to kill that thought but it's all I hope for.

 

 

If there is any thing I have learned its this...

 

You have to kill all hope. Slaughter it...Its the losing lottery ticket..Tear it up and start over..

 

Hope is what holds people back..Hope is what keeps people up at night. Do whatever you have to even if it means thinking of him banging two chicks at once and having the time of his life...Im serious. Once you do this the weight of the world will be lifted off your back...He alone isnt responsible for you. He doesnt lose one minute of sleep thinking of you. I am sorry for being crude..You NEED to hear this...

 

What your doing to yourself in an unknowing way , is preventing yourself from meeting the true man of your dreams. He cant come to you because you are renting space in your heart to your ex. And he hasnt paid an ounce of rent since he left and the carpets are soiled and there are holes in the walls. Fix the place up so you can get a solid "tenant" again...

 

TFY

[J_L_C]

How do I make myself stop checking his online dating account?

[Simon Phoenix]

How do I make myself stop checking his online dating account?

 

Um, just stop. You are a functional human being with a brain. You have the ability to stop on your own. Most humans do -- that's what separates us from the animals, impulse control. And you are violating No Contact when you snoop on him.

[J_L_C]

You have to make the decision to stop. You have to tell yourself that if you don't remove this person from your life, you will never heal. This is serious. You are faced with the very real possibility of not getting over him of you don't take some action. You can't sit passively when a break-up happens. You ahve to do some work.

 

Look, I'm not talking out my a$$, peddling some advice that I've never actually used. I've been you. I am speaking from experience. Several years ago, I dated a bloke for 3 years on and off who treated me appallingly. Despite this, I was so crazy in love with him I thought I'd never be able to live without him. When it was over for good, I boxed everything up, I removed him from my life, from my email, from my phone. Hardcore, unrelenting NC. After a few months, I felt a million times better. I moved on. I loved again. I got my heart broken again. I survived. But I had help. I had therapy, I had friends, I had supportive family. But the NC decision is a lifelong one. If this guy treated you like crap, if he emotionally abused you, you must ban him from your life, permanently.

 

It will be a brutally difficult decision, it will be painful, you think it won't end. It does. You get over it. Humans are remarkably resilient creatures. BUt you have to do the work, and only you can make the decision.

 

How do you make yourself stop checking up on him? You just stop. And you take it a day at a time.

 

The nagging curiosity is what kills me! I can't stop wondering if he's with someone.

 

Anyway, he wasn't emotionally abusive during the relationship. He was terrible to me afterwards which REALLY confused me. I didn't understand how this sensitive, caring person could just turn around and do some of the things he did. Take a look if you want...at the top of this thread I posted a link to it (Titled: Sherlock Holmes couldn't figure this out).

[Simon Phoenix]

The nagging curiosity is what kills me! I can't stop wondering if he's with someone.

 

Anyway, he wasn't emotionally abusive during the relationship. He was terrible to me afterwards which REALLY confused me. I didn't understand how this sensitive, caring person could just turn around and do some of the things he did. Take a look if you want...at the top of this thread I posted a link to it (Titled: Sherlock Holmes couldn't figure this out).

 

With all the time you waste on wondering what he's doing you could be working on improving yourself.

[na49]

If you don't want to be with him anymore, why does it bother you so much if he finds someone else? He will find someone else eventually (or he'll die alone) and you'll find someone else eventually too. (once you stop obsessing and start trying to heal)