Pillow Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Umm... okay. My first foray of online dating. I am 23 years old, black female, fairly average; this is the first profile I make. Before I finish my profile, I get flooded with messages. I don't respond to any. I proceed to delete the messages I get because most of them have spelling mistakes, have no thought in them, and are from guys I have no interest in. For the first couple of days, I get about 7 messages a day and I delete almost all of them. The funniest was from a 53 year old white man, and I thought that was pushing it. I wanted to respond so bad but I stopped myself. Then, I talk to this guy who has tattoos, long blonde hair passed his shoulders, and says he is in a polyamory relationship. He hates Christianity. I proceed to ask him about his relationship, and he tells me his father is an alcoholic and he abused him. He tells me he and his girlfriend tell each other everything and his second relationship will be just the same. He traveled to India and learned Buddhism. I'm not sure how I feel about him, but my sister hates him. Then, I talk to this other guy who has curly blonde hair and when he calls me, the FIRST time: he talks about how his friend kicked him in the balls, he doesn't hang around people who do drugs, his best friend is black, and he had a threesome with his best friend's girl. He made her howl like a wolverine. He also says once women have sex with him, they don't respond. I joke and ask him is he strangling them during sex and he tells me, "We can talk about that later." Ummm? He then tells me he lost his underwear in his truck some day and he really wants to talk to me a lot. I'm not sure about him. Then, I am talking to this fine Hispanic guy who I'm interested in (tall, chiseled face, bulging muscles), but he is 34 years old so I'm scared of being used. Most of the black guys I talk to are very normal, but they have not made a first move besides messaging me, so I'm like, are they not interested? I'm not sure how I feel about them, but my mom thinks they are more appropriate for me so they do have that. Then, I talk to this Hispanic guy around my age and he tells me he lied about where he lived. He is 3 states away from me but he works at an airline so that is okay. Umm?? I'm not driving 3 states away to see him. I'm wondering if he is some flight attendant? I don't know. I next talk to this other white guy who is 6 ft 6 and around my age. I am 5'4. His first message was great, but then he got very lazy. I have not responded to his last message because I felt he was not carrying on the conversation as I would like. I'm already exhausted. Is this fairly typical? I am thinking of deleting my profile.
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, that is typical. My suggestion is to stop posting pictures and simply email the guys you want to meet. You can decide to attach a picture or not with your email. That saves a lot of time on the 'delete' button too...
Seductive Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, it's typical. I would just ignore it, and focus on the ones that you find appropriate and interesting. You're looking for just one person to date, right? There are some nice people out there, and it may take some weeding out to find them.
Author Pillow Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, I am looking for one person to date, I think. Right now, I don't have a lot of experience and I really don't know what I want to date. Everyone has been so protective of me my whole life; I've been very sheltered. Even now, my parents and my sister are throwing hissy fits at the idea of a guy even calling me. And I'm 23 years old! They loved when a guy from Harvard was interested, but they don't think anyone else is good enough. I think everyone looks great; I have no (Zero) standards and I'm not picky at all. I honestly base everything on random, confusing and conflicting things.
Author Pillow Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, that is typical. My suggestion is to stop posting pictures and simply email the guys you want to meet. You can decide to attach a picture or not with your email. That saves a lot of time on the 'delete' button too... I don't know about this. It's hard when you're black. I don't think it looks good to spring it on people, like guess what! I'm black!! Having a picture in my profile can weed through lots of people
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I don't know about this. It's hard when you're black. I don't think it looks good to spring it on people, like guess what! I'm black!! Having a picture in my profile can weed through lots of people This is sensible. Don't leave your pic out. Simply leave out the ones that may be suggestive or sexual if you do not want guys jumping all over you. Yes, I have heard from a few ladies that this is typical.
sillyanswer Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Which site are you using? Some of them have options to limit who can write to you based on criteria such as their age, so you might be able to cut out a lot of the email from guys too old for you. POF, for example, automatically prevents people outside of your age +/- 14 years from contacting you (this seems to be a very new feature), but you can further restrict it.
apple OR orange Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 well, its not typical, i didn’t know women get responses from guys who are more normal, most are truck drivers or just sex mad. But yes your not going to find the normal guys on the internet, your find those that cant get women in real life, so they will be odd and out of the norm so to speak. The internet was a nice place in the early to mid 90's was an extension of real life, now its a the dumping ground of real life. Shame, all good things come to an end.
Author Pillow Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Which site are you using? Some of them have options to limit who can write to you based on criteria such as their age, so you might be able to cut out a lot of the email from guys too old for you. POF, for example, automatically prevents people outside of your age +/- 14 years from contacting you (this seems to be a very new feature), but you can further restrict it. Okcupid. I thought about POF but when I started to set up my profile, I got a message. Apparently 23 year old female was all the guy needed to know about me. I don't even know why I take out any time to write anything.
Author Pillow Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 well, its not typical, i didn’t know women get responses from guys who are more normal, most are truck drivers or just sex mad. But yes your not going to find the normal guys on the internet, your find those that cant get women in real life, so they will be odd and out of the norm so to speak. The internet was a nice place in the early to mid 90's was an extension of real life, now its a the dumping ground of real life. Shame, all good things come to an end. The second guy I talked to is a truck driver. And sex mad. So funny. He has not even met me and is talking about having sex with me. He has not even met me yet. Wow.
BluEyeL Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I don't get such poor quality men. What site is that? Sounds like POF or OKC. Go on the ones with a fee, especially match.com. Don't go on eharmony or chemistry, they are not good.
ascendotum Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Probably fairly typical, but then so is your side of things too I reckon. The guys that got your interest..edgy, weird, drama, tall, muscles. You certainly don't seem desperate or have a OMG he's so cool attitude over these guys, which is good for you filtering out the pump&dump merchants and losers, but I get the impression the normal guys (the one's your mom would like you to date) are too boooorrring for you. I find it a bit strange that you say for the normal guys... 'but they have not made a first move besides messaging me, so I'm like, are they not interested'. They contacted you, they are interested! No dick pic or pestering or telling you how hawt u r means they are not interested? Agree with RR, just talk to the guys you decide are worthwhile and cut short wasting time with deadbeats or too good to be true guys trying to win you over. You still wont get the true nature of many guys from their profile, or a bit of msging or even the first date. At your age you should have plenty of options in your social/work life. Edited May 21, 2013 by ascendotum
Seductive Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I don't get such poor quality men. What site is that? Sounds like POF or OKC. Go on the ones with a fee, especially match.com. Don't go on eharmony or chemistry, they are not good. OKC and POF does attract a lot of strange types, but I know a few couples that have gotten married off of there. Match tends to be more respectful. 1
BluEyeL Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I only met quality people on match, although it didn't work out for a relationship just yet. I've been on OKC for 3 days and the quality is much lower. I've had some OKish ones there too, but more sex oriented, on average.
Seductive Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I only met quality people on match, although it didn't work out for a relationship just yet. I've been on OKC for 3 days and the quality is much lower. I've had some OKish ones there too, but more sex oriented, on average. People can't spell on OKC or POF. you get what you pay for.
Msmickey Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 well, its not typical, i didn’t know women get responses from guys who are more normal, most are truck drivers or just sex mad. Hahaha Agree! I think many are sex mad. However I think it takes time to find someone suitable. I met 2 guys and really did spent time with them, who are really gentlemen, no taking advantages and are from good family backgrounds. So I guess its about luck, you sent out texts to people you are interested and wait for their reply. Generally, if they are interested, you can choose to write back or leave it.
Author Pillow Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Hahaha Agree! I think many are sex mad. However I think it takes time to find someone suitable. I met 2 guys and really did spent time with them, who are really gentlemen, no taking advantages and are from good family backgrounds. So I guess its about luck, you sent out texts to people you are interested and wait for their reply. Generally, if they are interested, you can choose to write back or leave it. I agree. I think I will start messaging men I'm interested in instead of waiting. There's a guy who literally wrote my entire profile; everything I say in my page he says. Obviously I may not hear anything back, but it's better than what I've gotten.
Msmickey Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I agree. I think I will start messaging men I'm interested in instead of waiting. There's a guy who literally wrote my entire profile; everything I say in my page he says. Obviously I may not hear anything back, but it's better than what I've gotten. I know how you feel, its really better to choose someone than get chosen. Usually people who you will have no interest knocking at the doorstep. Therefore, there is nothing to lose when you write to someone, and its way faster to make friends or relationship.
sillyanswer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Okcupid. I thought about POF but when I started to set up my profile, I got a message. Apparently 23 year old female was all the guy needed to know about me. I don't even know why I take out any time to write anything. Ok. On okcupid, make sure you've set what ages you're looking for (right near the bottom of your profile). On that site I don't think you can stop older guys from mailing you, but I think it flags those messages in your inbox to make it easier for you to spot that they are from someone you aren't looking for so that it's easier to delete them. On PoF (and, from what I've read, this applies to other sites as well) people will write to you just for having a profile that says "23, F". You're in demand! You can take that as positively or negatively as you like. I would say, however, that once you take the time to write a decent profile (listing some interests, what you're looking for etc) then at least guys have a chance of writing to you rather than writing to your pictures or biographical statistics. That's why you take time to write something.
ja123 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 They loved when a guy from Harvard was interested, but they don't think anyone else is good enough. I think everyone looks great; I have no (Zero) standards and I'm not picky at all. I honestly base everything on random, confusing and conflicting things. Firstly, someone from Harvard might look good on paper but it doesn't mean he's a good man. He may or may not be. You need to be able to make the distinction. What I bolded is the biggest challenge you face, and you'll need to look inside yourself to define what are your core values so as to find a decent and worthy match; otherwise, you remain prey to the whims of others. Here's a site that might be helpful: Understanding your core values in relationships (no they?re not your common interests) | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Good luck!
aussietigerwolf Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I actually did manage to hit the online dating jackpot but... it took me years of on/off searching and toad kissing.
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