polycube Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 well this is my 3rd thread but here goes. anyways my girlfriend left me because i was a workaholic, didnt pay any attention to her, and flat out bored her with it, every time she would say there was a problem i would tell her that if she want happy she should leave...and so she did. I was devestated and this was 3 weeks ago. she continued to call me and tell me she misses me etc. one day she came over I told her i wanted to be with her and we can work it out and she started crying and said it was easier for both of us to just stop seeing each other and talking. so we did for 1 week . then i went on vacation to NY she called me when she found out, and she called me when i was there and when i returned. to see how the trip was etc. anyways today i called her for the first time in 3 weeks. she said i dont underdstand how happy she is to hear my voice, and i told her i wanted to see her. she said YES and she said shes gonna dress preetier than she ever has, and also that she has butterflies in her stomache. we went out had a great time we held hands, kissed all night real good time, i told her how happy i was to see her again, how much she means to me, how i love her so much and how i was sorry for being a **** up. she was very receptive to all this and was very cool the whole night. then we went back to her NEW apt. (we lived together for 5 years) and we laid on the bed and started kissing again. when we were about to have sex. she said she doesnt know if this is a good idea, and that shes confused and doesnt want to do this because there are strings attached. she says she doesnt want to be in a relationship and wants to see me but wants to take each day at a time. whatever happens from there on good if not then thats fine too. we ended up not having sex. however she did cry when i asked her what she misses about me and told me how hard this is for her too and how she misses me alot. she says all she can offer me at this point is to take it day by day. she says she doesnt see us together again for a long time but she wants to take it day by day. she contradicted herself alot in this sense. but was very loving the whole time and we didnt stop holding each other and or kissing. How should i take this? should i just be cool about it? and go with the flow..im confused.. i mean im gonna be cool and do what i didnt do before in terms of pamper her, take her where she always wanted to go, but maybe some opinions would be cool.
jade_nc Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 it sounds like she's scared that if she comes back things will end up the same way. absolutely keep pampering her....but only if that's truly what you want and an honest expression of how you feel for her. did you tell her that you would wait until she's ready? that you're willing to take it slow as well??
Author polycube Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 SO she calls me again today, we talk for a bit, i ask her if she needs me to go to her house and help her build a new table for her new apt. she says yes in a few days once her mom leaves, honestly i was a bit offended as i wanted to see her ASAP, however i was extrememly cool about it, told her that it was cool and just to let me know. 1 hour later she calls to see if we go to movies and dinner. of course i go, we have a great time, laugh etc etc. very loving time, we go back to her house im sure this time im gonna get laid (not to sound like thats all i wanted) but again nothing this time we went a bit further but no sex, she doesnt want to have sex yet. which sucks but i was cool about it. she asked if sex was the goal and i told her that having her call me, and her being in my life the following day is my daily goal. anyways i still didnt get the sex and i guess its a good thing as i almost feel like im going after someone i never been with. its like a new romance in the sexual way, which i kinda like in a weird kinda way. she commented on the fact that we had 2 great days back to back. anyways why is she not having sex with me yet. shes very open to the kissing. and all but no sex. she did say she doesnt want to confuse the situation and that she wants me to be happy independently of her but then we wouldnt be kissing and holding hands the entire time right? one thing i do notice is how she "tests me" she says things she knows would bother me, not necessarily insulting but bothersome, however when she sees i give it no mind she changes her opinion right away, like in the commnt of seeing me in a few days after her mom leaves or for example. when i asked her if i could come in her apt she said no that she was going to sleep, as soon as i was ok cool see you later, immediately she said ok come up and we hung out for a good hour. with a very different change of tone. from defensive to very happy. anyways any opinions? ah something else she said when she commented on how good a time we have had in the past 2 days i told her thats because we are great company, she said that us getting along, and having a great time was never the problem. I do blame the relationship failing previously on my workaholic attitute, and my unwillingness to talk about our problems, i would constintly say if you dont like it leave. and that is what she did.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 well her mom was leaving back to her state today, i didnt hear from her all day. which i understand since she works and her mom leaving must have her real stressed out. anyways her mother called me right before she left to the airport to say bye, then my ex got on the ohone said hi, told me how her day was and how sad she is that her mom is leaving. I called her about 1 hour later to see if all had gone ok but she hasnt returned my call yet . i would have thought her mom leaving and her being alone for the first time would have her calling me right away but no she didnt. i know i need to take it easy and slow but it just bums you out cause its a vicious cycle cause you get self concious of the relationship and you act different im sure and they pick up on that and so and so. any advice, am i overracting? we have been talking everyday and in the past 4 days seen her twice.
SoleMate Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 every time she would say there was a problem, I would tell her that if she wasn't happy she should leave...and so she did. Unh hunh. You're a lucky man to even have another chance with her after playing her like this. Do me a favor and don't even bother to try to win her back unless you are seriously ready to work on your behavior. Listening to her, and taking her requests and statements seriously, should be Job #1. And I'm glad she's making you work for it, because it appears you don't appreciate her love when it is handed to you on a platter.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 yeah so you think its normal huh? trust me i know my flaws in this relationship thats why im the one going after her. I just sometimes think me chasing her around taking her out and buying her gifts makejs her look down on me. i know this sounds silly but im just not used to NOT being in control of the relationship. and this all came to me as a big surprise. when you say making me "work for it" dont you think that makes me look desperate? please guys dont post to say im a terrible boyfriend, obviously im not that bad if we were together for 6 years, and again i know my flaws my questions are towards the future not the past.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 you know the beatles song "im so tired" is an amazing song to listen to in these times 3 am and my mind is driving me crazy
jade_nc Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 you have been dating for six years?? do you know what she wants - for her furture, i mean. does she want to get married, have children, etc? if she wants those things and after six years you still don't know - that could be why she's being so reluctant.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 well im sure she wants to have children and get married, we always said we would get married one day, and to be honest that was the first thing i thought when she said she wanted out. but its obvious to me now that that was not what she wants now, at least not with me at the moment.
SoleMate Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 when you say making me "work for it" dont you think that makes me look desperate? No. Making efforts to help a relationship succeed is not an act of desperation. Where did you get that idea? You maintain your car, right? And if you're crazy about your car and spend hours in the driveway waxing it, is that an act of desperation, or is an act of caring towards your car, not to mention a smart move that will help the car stay good and provide you more enjoyment? Plus, the waxing is pleasurable in and of itself. (The car analogy is obviously inadequate, but I hope you see my point.) dont post to say im a terrible boyfriend Well, I do believe that this breakup is due to her feeling that she was not getting her emotional needs met. Specifically: because i was a workaholic, didnt pay any attention to her, flat out bored her with it, and every time she would say there was a problem i would tell her that if she wasn't happy she should leave So, to summarize, you treated her like her words and feelings meant nothing to you. She was giving you what you wanted, but you weren't giving her what she wanted. I'm not saying you're loathsome. On the contrary, you must have some powerful attractants to have kept her there so long despite the problems. So you're in a very good position. If you can fix what was bothering her, and REALLY fix it, you have an excellent chance of getting her back, and having a good relationship. Unfortunately, it appears that if you do get her back, you'll just repeat the same problems. me chasing her around taking her out and buying her gifts makes her look down on me. Yes, you may be right. Gifts and chasing are NOT what have been lacking in this relationship. You listening to her, and caring about her feelings, and working on the relationship, HAVE been lacking. Using gifts to attract someone back is particularly cheesy. It implies that she is "available for purchase". Instead of spending money, you should be spending time, AFTER you have corrected some of your flawed thinking.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Unfortunately, it appears that if you do get her back, you'll just repeat the same problems. hey solemate were all here because we're not perfect, im sure you are the perfect companion but not everyone here is. so before you attack people who are already going through enough you should consider that. theres no one in the breakup section of the site who is perfect. or else they wouldnt be reading this. I appreciate your advice but please save the jabs
nadia2515 Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Sounds like she is playing it safe this time around. She's testing u to see how much u really care. Seeing how far she can pull u before u let loose and give up. She's already invested 6 years of her life into you and she's probably just trying to make damn sure if she puts another minute in to it that it'll work out. U can't blame her, I know u don't, I'm just sayin. She'd be silly to just jump in feet first again without making you prove that it'll be different. Just hang in there. Do whatever she wants u to do even if u do feel u look desperate or silly. If you really love her and I'm assuming you do, then she's worth it. Good Luck!
SoleMate Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Hi Polycube - Please reread my post carefully. I think you'll see that I am not "accusing you of failing to be perfect", but rather saying that I see evidence that you haven't learned from this experience. Of course, I could easily be mistaken. I truly did not intend it as an attack on you. If you feel that you have learned, and you know what to do differently now, then by all means let us hear about it.
Author polycube Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 how do you know youre not just being used as a crutch? i mean until something else comes up?
Author polycube Posted October 4, 2004 Author Posted October 4, 2004 well i saw her tonight, she was telling me how she doesnt consider us as seeing each other. and that all we are is hanging out. I was a bit offended by it but said nothing. we then went out for dinner and she told me she doesnt think we should go ahead with our plans to go camping next weekend as we had previously planned, she has always wanted to go to this park in particular and camping a + but that she thinks this is moving to fast, she then went on to tell me that she does NOT want to be in a romantic relationship with me, not now and that she doesnt want to be with anyone. she just wants to be single. so we go back to her house. to talk some more, she doesnt want to do anything but talk, eventually we have sex, where she then goes on to say that this means nothing and not to take it the wrong way. I guess this makes it very clear to me that there is no hope, she said that there was nothing i could have done or do and that this is just the way it has to be. that we can take it day by day but if she meets someone else...she is open to it. I told her why is she so open to anything except the possibility of us. I was very cool abou tit all told her how sad i was about it and left. on my drive home she called me to say how much of a good time she had, I told her that i thought tonight was bad and that the only good part was how clear she made herself. anyways thats it i guess. what else is there to do at this point. i think she made herself perfectly clear. the only thing i can think of doing at this point is ignoring her calls and NC its sad i thought we had another chance at it
nadia2515 Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Uhhh? I'm at loss, maybe the girl has really moved on and she's just trying to get you back by treating you like you don't matter. Maybe it's some sort of plan like I said to test you. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe if you feel like you can, you should just leave her alone and move on. I'm sorry, that's a game I've never played so I don't know it's motive. Good Luck!
nadia2515 Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 get u back for how u treated her not get u back to be with her.
R1PPED Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 man im sorry, that really blows. i dont know how much advice i can give you, i am only seventeen. but you should try and see if any of her friends know anything. that is if you know her friends. in many of my relationships i try my hardest to make a good bond with friends or relatives because they come in handy the most in therse situations. women always have to talk about things and who better than a close friend or a good relative. if you happen to know one of her good friends, then talk to them aobut it. ask them if they can get you inside of her head. tell them about how much you liek this girl and how you want to make it work out. some times if they hear it form someone else about how much you like her she may realize that you are really sincere in wwanting to get back with her. six years… wow. i was 13 six years ago. i dont even think i liked girls at that point. but if you have been dating for isx years you have to be on a pretty personal level so you should really talk to her aobut what you really want and try to repent… altough it may be hard. talk to her and try to come up with a compromise on what you both really want in life with each other. if she stayed with you for six years, im sure she wouldnt mind comign back and staying forever. im an extreme romantic and i believe in true love and if you think that this girl is really the one for you… and you really have to look deep into your heart and figure it out yourself…then there is no reason why the two of you shouldnt be together. and in my midn there is a greeat chance that it will happen. i believe that this women really loves you but she is just really scared of ggetting taken advantage of like you have done(i dont mean to accuse you of doing anything wrong…by all means put your work first in life.) but if you really want her back, which i believe that you totally do, just try to put yourself in her shoes and figure out what you would want if you went through what she did. good luck and i really hope it works out alright in the end.
Author polycube Posted October 5, 2004 Author Posted October 5, 2004 she called me back today to tell me what a good time she had last night, amazing how she can think that was a good time. what part exactly was fun? i mean the sex was good but thats all. i told her that exactly and she said that i was right and that she was a bit ruthless in what she said, i told her no and that it was the truth. i told her that thats it that we cannot see each other anymore and or talk. she seemed a bit silent and then said that she agrees because it is not good for her either she said. i told her we would talk when were both ready to be just friends and that that would be in a long time. and that was it. we hung up. back to square 1, what a shame
Author polycube Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 man im feeling real crappy. i wonder if what i did was the right thing, i mean she knows i love her if she loved me she would have responded to me telling her to not call right?
chicothechimp Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 dude, to engage in rote sex may still result in an orgasm... but perhaps the cost of that orgasm was your personal dignity and self respect IMHO... the fact that she is treating you so crappy could reak of immaturity on her part... yes, it is very painful to admit... but if she really LOVES you then what she DOES is the telling part... and she is honestyly coming across as a confusing person... I think that maybe you have done the right thing... for now... only time and wisdom can confirm this. my ex-GF told me about 6 weeks ago that she wanted to break-up... I asked her to give it four more months... she agreed to that and actually extended it to almost 6 more months... then a week later she re-stated her need to "be alone" and that she "needed time". So we broke up. Our last date/night was awesome. But then the calls just dropped off. She waits days or even a week to return a call that she used to return the same day. She blocks me from her MSN Messenger contact list so I can't see when she is online. I do have to say this: there is something that hinged her decision that she is NOT telling me... my intuition has been very reliable to me on numerous occasions... and it tells me that there is something that she is withholding from me in all this... she sees me about once a week at most... the irony/confusion is that when we are together that we actually have a really good time for the most part... no sex, but that just makes sense on both of our parts... she may be testing me to see if I see her as more than a sexpartner... I really don't know at this point... all I do know is that her actions are saying that she is trying to rationalize her selfishness and emotional isolation... she even admitted so when I confronted her... why am I hanging in there? Because for 2 years I loved this woman and she was the sun that shone in my day bright and clear. The sun has been gone for a good 5-6 weeks for the most part. I am a man who believes in working **** out and it makes things seem even worse when she just comes across as having given up on things... yet, she also hangs on to things and sends me signs that her own heart is confusing her, too... I am going to hang in there a bit longer... I really do believe in who she is and I could fall in love with her again... but she truly has killed (through neglect, abandonment and indifference) what he had to a large measure... I think that that is the hardest part: she has significantly impaired by ability to trust her again when/if she says "I love you and I'm committed to working things out". We all go through ****, people. And sometimes we just try to push people away because we instinctively know that we are very afraid of initimacy and commitment. But other times we surrender to the easy road out of Dodge City because we don't want to do the hard work or repair and reconciliation. That is tragic. Hang in there, man.
Weird Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 my situation is like chicothe chimps. Aside from the when things were broken up part, the rest sounds like me and my ex. I like to work stuff out, she instead runs away and then gets mad at me for trying to resolve stuff...yet at the same time she says she wants to resolve stuff but she never does. She is confused and she also sends mixed signals as well. I have no idea if we will end up getting back together or even have each other in our lives. I can't really stress myself out over it so I just live my life and if it happens and is meant to be it will happen. What I doo know is my friends think I a m crazy for still dealing with this stuff after all this time. I guess I am but what can I say...I love that crazy & confused woman. It is funny how most relationship situations are so similar.
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