Question for OW about the lies of the MM

[Goodbye]

Wondering how many of you OW were swept into a lot of lies by your exMM/MM/OM that made the relationship more intense. For example, did he say he was going to divorce? Wanted to be with you? Wanted to marry you? Wanted to have kids with you? Were his soulmate? Were his "real" wife? What types of things did he do to "prove" his love to you?

 

How long was your affair? Who ended it? Why?

[latergater]

Wondering how many of you OW were swept into a lot of lies by your exMM/MM/OM that made the relationship more intense. For example, did he say he was going to divorce? Wanted to be with you? Wanted to marry you? Wanted to have kids with you? Were his soulmate? Were his "real" wife? What types of things did he do to "prove" his love to you?

 

How long was your affair? Who ended it? Why?

 

All of the above. He didn't tell me he was leaving his family for me but said he wanted to and was waiting for his daughter to start high school. He also said is anything ever happened to his wife or she found out about the affair, that he wanted to move in with me and start a life with me.

 

When I found out there were other women he was seeing (February of this year) I ended the affair but we continued a friendship. A month later his wife found out about ME only and he threw me under the bus, told her i was the only one he was involved with, and then sent me an email telling me in this stern tone "It is over. I am done. I am working things out with my family, blah blah blah. " I was like WTF? I am the one who DUMPED YOU a month ago!

[Goodbye]

Guess I'll answer my own question:

 

My MM told me his marriage was failing (it was not) and that he'd divorce even if there wasn't an affair. He told me he wanted to marry me. He told me he considered me his soulmate and "real" wife. He told me he wanted to have kids with me and went so far as to ask me to see a fertility specialist. He told me he wanted to move out and get a condo near his wife so he could see his son, but also move in with me and have a commuter relationship.

 

I ended it mainly after he requested a "break" and it was clear to me that after a year of intense communication and promises, he wasn't any closer to leaving his wife.

[latergater]

Guess I'll answer my own question:

 

My MM told me his marriage was failing (it was not) and that he'd divorce even if there wasn't an affair. He told me he wanted to marry me. He told me he considered me his soulmate and "real" wife. He told me he wanted to have kids with me and went so far as to ask me to see a fertility specialist. He told me he wanted to move out and get a condo near his wife so he could see his son, but also move in with me and have a commuter relationship.

 

I ended it mainly after he requested a "break" and it was clear to me that after a year of intense communication and promises, he wasn't any closer to leaving his wife.

 

What bull****. I would be so pissed. Sorry if I didn't answer your question .. appropriately. I am at the end of my wits with anger and sleep deprived. But if i had been you, I would have hired a hit man.

[chaser0195]

All of the above. He didn't tell me he was leaving his family for me but said he wanted to and was waiting for his daughter to start high school. He also said is anything ever happened to his wife or she found out about the affair, that he wanted to move in with me and start a life with me.

 

When I found out there were other women he was seeing (February of this year) I ended the affair but we continued a friendship. A month later his wife found out about ME only and he threw me under the bus, told her i was the only one he was involved with, and then sent me an email telling me in this stern tone "It is over. I am done. I am working things out with my family, blah blah blah. " I was like WTF? I am the one who DUMPED YOU a month ago![/quote]

 

I would of replied with a very sarcastic "yeah, thanks for reiterating what I told you a month ago, idiot!

[findingnemo]

I think in order to cheat, you must tell plenty of lies. xMM never said he would get a D. This was never an option. He did tell me that I was his W. In fact he told me that again in our last conversation. Being an African, I'm not quite sure that it is a "lie" in the real sense of the word. We truly are special to each other and have been for going on 20 years. He did a lot to prove his love but that was never in doubt really. What I wanted was a real R, perhaps even M.

 

He lied by OMISSION. So many things he didn't tell me that if he had would have made me question why he was being a cake-eater. I would have put him on the spot, probably told his W about us and pushed for an open R.

 

My A lasted almost 8 years. I ended it nearly 10 years ago because I couldn't take it any more. I was dying inside. I started hating what we had become and the fact that I was static. My life had stopped and I needed to dump him in order to move on. So I did.

[findingnemo]

What bull****. I would be so pissed. Sorry if I didn't answer your question .. appropriately. I am at the end of my wits with anger and sleep deprived. But if i had been you, I would have hired a hit man.

 

later, no hit men please!

 

But on a serious note, that was cruel. Making you, Goodbye, go to a fertile doctor and then nothing? I'm so sorry.

[bellasue]

My xMM also said divorce was not an option due to duty and responsibility. He told me he loved his wife because they had been together so long and had a history, but he loved me because I loved and appreciated him, we were best friends and had great chemistry. His plan was eventually move away with his wife, but spend half of the year here. As far as I know, he never outright lied to me.

 

In the end, I, too, was thrown under the bus without the benefit of much explanation or kindness and compassion.

 

Our affair was an emotional one for many years, physical for about four months.

 

*sigh*

[Cali408]

There is no intersection and you are living separate lives. Most MM aren't lying, they truly believe they can pull it off. Then when DDay hits, they realize

 

1. You lose 1/2 of everything you have

2 Child support/alimony

3 Kids resent you because mommy wasn't good enough

4 See kids every other weekend and Wednesdays

5. You only see best side of AP, you don't see what a mess they are.

6 The Affair relationship is based on cheating. Not the most solid foundation

7 You respect and fall for your wife again when she forgives you

8 Boredom and Simplicity are great things.

[tryingto]

I am realizing with NC he told many lies... BIG ones and some I'm sure he would think were insignificant... I will start with the bigger ones and move down (I hope this post doesn't have a word limit )

 

Big ones:

1. He was leaving his wife, was making plans to do so before ever meeting me.

2. Their relationship was over in his eyes.

3. I was the first person he ever truly loved.

4. We had an emotional connection that was so intense, it was a spiritual connection. (don't laugh, he said that many times)

5. I was everything he ever wanted in a woman and more.

6. I was the only person he had ever met that he could be himself around. He shared parts of himself he never shared with anyone else.

7. He would do anything necessary to be with me and have me in his life.

8. She didn't love him and likely never did.

9. He told me he had moved out of his marital home.

10. Promised me he was always honest with me.

11. etc. etc. etc.

 

Smaller ones:

1. He slept on the couch.

2. They lived separate lives.

3. Frequently lied about reasons at times he couldn't be in contact with me.

4. Told me they didn't participate in family get-togethers with each other.

5. They never had sex

6. etc. etc. etc.

 

Our A lasted a little over 3 years and ours was a long distance A so a lot of things he told me, I wanted to believe him so badly. So badly that I truly ended up losing all use of my own common sense. I ended the A after the last promised timeline came and went and he didn't move out but then second guessed myself and tried to re-establish some sort of contact, which he returned very sporadically. Now almost 6 months NC, I see so many things that I refused to see then. The biggest one being that despite all of his sweet and reassuring words, his actions never followed through.

 

At first I wondered if it were all a lie, everything he told me he felt and everything he promised (unsolicited by me!).... but with time I've realized, it doesn't really matter. I deserve someone who puts me first, follows through on what they say and truly says how they feel.

Edited May 20, 2013 by tryingto

[Used mistress]

My MM wanted to marry me. He moved in "part time" with me I now realized. My MM even went so far as to get me an expensive engagement ring. When I got the ring that is when I really believed that he was going to be with me forever. Then that's when the red flags started going off but because of the "ring" I just figured he was stressed because of the upcoming divorce. Not so. He was going back home and because his 19yr old daughter refused to speak to him is when he went back home for good. I did ask if he told his daughter how he was miserable and he wanted a divorce but he just thought she knew he was unhappy.

 

I know he lied to me but to console myself I tell myself he lied to himself and to me that is something he will have to deal with. He will have to look at himself in the mirror everyday and maybe not today or tomorrow or even the next day but one day he won't be able to hide and have to face himself and the damage and destruction he has done. No wonder why he said when he looks in the mirror he doesn't like what he sees

[Goodbye]

Help me understand this, Bellasue. How is it that you believe that someone who commits the greatest offense possible against his family has ANY sense of duty or responsibility?? He is showing you that he clearly does NOT have any sense of duty, yet you accept that as an excuse as to why he can't be with you.

 

I am not being snarky in this question, but did your strong feelings for him eclipse all common sense? Don't you see that his "duty" comment goes against what you know him to be - a liar and a cheater?

 

 

Do you think you can stay ON topic please? Also...the question was directed at OW/MOW. Perhaps you can start another thread? Thanks.

[Goodbye]

I am realizing with NC he told many lies... BIG ones and some I'm sure he would think were insignificant... I will start with the bigger ones and move down (I hope this post doesn't have a word limit )

 

Big ones:

1. He was leaving his wife, was making plans to do so before ever meeting me.

2. Their relationship was over in his eyes.

3. I was the first person he ever truly loved.

4. We had an emotional connection that was so intense, it was a spiritual connection. (don't laugh, he said that many times)

5. I was everything he ever wanted in a woman and more.

6. I was the only person he had ever met that he could be himself around. He shared parts of himself he never shared with anyone else.

7. He would do anything necessary to be with me and have me in his life.

8. She didn't love him and likely never did.

9. He told me he had moved out of his marital home.

10. Promised me he was always honest with me.

11. etc. etc. etc.

 

Smaller ones:

1. He slept on the couch.

2. They lived separate lives.

3. Frequently lied about reasons at times he couldn't be in contact with me.

4. Told me they didn't participate in family get-togethers with each other.

5. They never had sex

6. etc. etc. etc.

 

Our A lasted a little over 3 years and ours was a long distance A so a lot of things he told me, I wanted to believe him so badly. So badly that I truly ended up losing all use of my own common sense. I ended the A after the last promised timeline came and went and he didn't move out but then second guessed myself and tried to re-establish some sort of contact, which he returned very sporadically. Now almost 6 months NC, I see so many things that I refused to see then. The biggest one being that despite all of his sweet and reassuring words, his actions never followed through.

 

At first I wondered if it were all a lie, everything he told me he felt and everything he promised (unsolicited by me!).... but with time I've realized, it doesn't really matter. I deserve someone who puts me first, follows through on what they say and truly says how they feel.

 

 

We were with the same man!

[2sure]

I've said this before, but it applies here so I'm going to say it again. I know my circumstances were different in that I had several affairs with MM. But I've given this threads subject some real thought. I definitely empathize with the angst OW feel about being lied to. It's heartbreaking and real. But I still have a question.

 

Each MM I was involved with, at the onset of the affair, would tell me his marriage was unhappy, or his contemplating divorce, had to stay for the kids, didn't have sex with spouse....until I told them I didnt want/ need to hear it.

Eventually I would learn none of it was true, or maybe partially true. Usually they admitted to being quite happy. But this all was handed to me initially because they felt OW would need reasons for him to justify an affair.

 

I never believed any of it. I'm not sure why someone would. I mean, I'm not that different. I was vulnerable in my own way, I cared about them, but there was simply no way to believe them. I'm not that trusting, but more, it just didn't make sense to.

[tryingto]

We were with the same man!

 

It is scary how similar a lot of our stories are... I've often wondered about this... Is there some sort of manual out there that MM refer to???

 

On a more personal note, I want to tell you how much I take away from your posts, Goodbye. While I don't talk about my A much IRL, it really helps to see that I'm not alone trying to process it all. I look forward to seeing all of us move forward and heal from our situations!

[tryingto]

I've said this before, but it applies here so I'm going to say it again. I know my circumstances were different in that I had several affairs with MM. But I've given this threads subject some real thought. I definitely empathize with the angst OW feel about being lied to. It's heartbreaking and real. But I still have a question.

 

Each MM I was involved with, at the onset of the affair, would tell me his marriage was unhappy, or his contemplating divorce, had to stay for the kids, didn't have sex with spouse....until I told them I didnt want/ need to hear it.

Eventually I would learn none of it was true, or maybe partially true. Usually they admitted to being quite happy. But this all was handed to me initially because they felt OW would need reasons for him to justify an affair.

 

I never believed any of it. I'm not sure why someone would. I mean, I'm not that different. I was vulnerable in my own way, I cared about them, but there was simply no way to believe them. I'm not that trusting, but more, it just didn't make sense to.

 

I definitely understand what you are saying. I believed him because I had just walked through what he described he was feeling. I had left a long term relationship and he said so many of the things that I had felt... so at first I really believed him.

 

I truly thought how would he be able to speak so clearly about his feelings if they weren't real? Because they were so close to what I had experienced. They could've been true, I still don't necessarily believe he was/is happy... but if he isn't, he doesn't have the courage to change it.

 

In hindsight my biggest error wasn't believing him initially, it was allowing myself to believe him for so long...

[who_am_i]

For the most part when you playfully say to someone, "love me?"...they will reply. May not be the answer you want...but you'll get one. Well, the xMM in my situation was the type who would go into 3000 reasons why he couldn't say it out loud...it made it "too real". (whatever) He would say all this while holding me as close as he could and as tight as he could while looking me in the eye with a sad desperate look.

 

He never said yes or no about anything, he never agreed or disagreed with anything, and he would never elaborate about anything. In short, he lied by omission. He let me believe whatever I wanted to believe. When ever I asked a question he would blow hearts and sunshine up my ass while never really answering the question and leaving me to an assumption. Just like a big fat sucker when he looked at me with those eyes and said he just couldn't say it out loud...i believed he loved me.

 

This is what finally threw me over the edge at the end. I didn't just have one or two or even ten questions...I had 2 YEARS worth!! Ugh...it makes me so angry when I think about it.

 

Oh and this one gets me every time I think about it....

Once, he told me that he had to be careful about getting home too late. He said that was when she would ask questions about where he was and he didn't like that as he was...and I quote..."not a good liar". Shortly after this conversation we were talking about his credit card and he was saying how it was a special card that he opened just for when he saw me. He had a paperless bill sent to his "other" email address and I shouldn't worry since he was...and I quote (again!)..."so good at this (he) should work for the FBI".

 

Sometimes I look back and think I must not have been getting enough oxygen to my brain then or something to fall for all his crap. Oh but did i mention I still miss him. Why? Who the hell knows...this sh*t is awful!

[latergater]

Goodbye and latergater - Why do you think your MM told you these things? Would you have left your MM sooner if he had not been telling you all of this?

 

I don't think that all MM are necessarily "lying" at the time they say these things. I think on some level, some MM actually mean what they tell the OW. It's that ability to life two separate lives with no intersection. I think some MM are conflicted but believe that they would leave for the OW - until they are actually tested. It seems that, while in the affair, the spouse and kids don't mean a whole lot, until he stands to lose them.

 

@Alreadygone

I don't know why he said the things he did. I think he is a sociopath or he actually believed it at the time he was saying it. He had a thing for me since high school, he thought i was untouchable and I never gave him a chance to be with me back in the day. i wasn't really interested in guys. I was never really marriage minded.

 

When he learned i was single and wanted to get together after so many years I thought it would be nice to reconnect. He came in with the heavy duty lines and swept me off of my feet at a time when i was extremely vulnerable. I do believe he thought i would never get involved with a MM if he didn't tell me all of the lines that he did. They worked like a charm. I have such great morals and values and I am ashamed of my involvement in this affair. Now that it is over, I am seeing things so clearly and I cannot believe how irresponsibly my actions have been in all of this. I excused my behavior for so long and although I do believe i was seriously duped, I am an adult and I have to take responsibility for my actions.

 

Back to your original question (I haven't been sleeping. I am so tired and very ADD today) YES, he worked it HARD because he had to. He thought otherwise I would never take the bait -- I would NEVER get involved with a MM under any normal situations. He came on heavy, hook line and sinker. My best friend had passed away weeks earlier. My relationship of four years had ended months prior to that. I was a mess. He knew it.

 

But he ran away like a little p__ when the heat started rising in the kitchen. At that time all I cared about was him being compassionate and telling me we wouldn't be able to be friends moving forward. His wife found out about me, after the affair had ended, and I lost him as a friend in the end as well. I'm beginning to see that losing him as a friend was also a blessing, however.

[MissBee]

Wondering how many of you OW were swept into a lot of lies by your exMM/MM/OM that made the relationship more intense. For example, did he say he was going to divorce? Wanted to be with you? Wanted to marry you? Wanted to have kids with you? Were his soulmate? Were his "real" wife? What types of things did he do to "prove" his love to you?

 

How long was your affair? Who ended it? Why?

 

LMAOOOO @ "real wife"

 

When we're in love, some insane things can surely seem cute and flattering. My exAP didn't really sweep me up in intense lies, but I remember he would always call me buy his last name, as though I was his wife (he wasn't married btw). It was of course flattering to me and I felt special, but the other part of my brain was like "wow this is nonsense!"

 

He bought me a teddy bear which he jokingly said was our child together and would constantly ask me about "our son" ..LMAOO He had a real child with his SO...we had a stuffed animal child. I think that really turned the fantasy up.

 

He referred to my sister as his SIL and my mom as his MIL. My sister knew about us and when they spoke he would call her "sis."

 

Yepp...it was quite a lot, now that I think about it smh. It lasted almost 3 years and I initially ended it and tried to be friends but it fell back into the same pattern until he initiated NC.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yep - most of what has been said. He never loved anyone like he loved me, I was his soul mate, we were meant to be together, it was inevitable and even his wife understood it one some level, that to wait until his youngest was out of diapers, he wasn't interested in sex with his wife (they only had sex twice a month at best because it took too long - he would wait until she was asleep to go to bed to avoid it), he was so happy when I could get there with him inside me because she couldn't, and on and on and on - I am disgusted by what I bought from him.

 

So I don't understand why I even still have feelings for the guy. Geesh - I am a loser.

 

We knew each other for about 15 years the last couple of which began to be an ea, more intense the year it became physical. From the time it became physical it ended horribly 4 months later and then total nc 4 months after that truly initiated by him.

Edited May 21, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[2sure]

I think possibly I was more jaded than some of you going in. I know most of you are intelligent and thoughtful women, so that's all I can think of that's different.

 

I just couldn't take a MM cheating on his wife at face value. I was jaded in that....well, I was there . I didn't feel too trustworthy myself I guess.

[2sure]

Epiphany. I'm serious. I lied to one MM in that I semi participated in his future talk. I listened. I told him ILY back a few times. I really enjoyed him, we were friends. He confided in me. I missed him sometimes. But for me, the affair was a box, and my real life was outside it. When I stopped seeing him, it was one conversation then I stopped taking his calls. I figured it was the same for him.

 

I think I probably hurt him. But I've been BS since then and can't muster up real sympathy.

 

Sorry for the t/j, this just dawned on me.

[thefooloftheyear]

As a MM in the early stages of a D when I met the OW, I can only speak for myself....I NEVER lied about anything..EVER....And let me be very clear here...The A was a colossal mistake. Whether we wound up as a couple or not..It was a terrible lack of judgement on my part. I got pursued and caved like a little boy..Thats on me.

 

She had, what I call, "selective hearing/comprehension"..And while I cant say this is true for any of the esteemed OW's who voiced an opinion on this thread, Ill bet its true for many.

 

She bailed out saying "it took too long and that she lost hope that it would happen"...OK fine..I never gave a timeline and filled her in on the details as they went along. Did I underestimate the difficulty of it?, yes. So shoot me. It wasnt like it went on for years wih 17 d days....

 

Now that the end is in sight I hope she is at peace with her decision. The way it looks now I am really not amenable to going back...I may just tell her anyway when its said and done, just so she knows I meant everything I said...Then maybe she can stew about how she rushed to judgement. Or maybe she wont give a crap..Doesnt matter much now..

 

TFY

Edited May 21, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You sound like one guy that at least spoke truth to her. Would that all of us ow had that. My guy caved and threw me under the bus.

[MissBee]

I think possibly I was more jaded than some of you going in. I know most of you are intelligent and thoughtful women, so that's all I can think of that's different.

I just couldn't take a MM cheating on his wife at face value. I was jaded in that....well, I was there . I didn't feel too trustworthy myself I guess.

 

I didn't drink the entire foggy glass of koolaid either .

 

Some of the stuff he'd say, like some I mentioned, I would kind of roll my eyes and think okay you can't be real .

 

I think he was waay more into some of it than I was. I think I was the more realistic one while he was a lot more high off the fantasies. We got into arguments many times because I would be pissed off because I felt like it was plain as day that some of what he was doing/saying made no sense but he acted like I should ride that ride with him and "just enjoy it" when I wanted to be real.