i think i've lost that loving feeling

[1234569]

I've been reading for a few days and decided to share my situation for hopes of getting input/opinions. this may be long and choppy but here goes:

 

I'm 32, he's 41, we'll be together for 13 years next month. we've lived together for the last 12 years. we have a 6 yr old son. we got together through mutual friends (one of my friends told him i had a crush on him - which i did not, but anyway - he pursued, we got along alright, and here we are years later). we don't really argue much. i trust him. he loves me.

 

The problems - his sex drive is much greater than mine, after 13 years, he still wants it everyday. For the last two years, i really haven't been into it but have submitted because when he doesn't get it, he acts like a total jerk until he does. meh.

 

I have always been the breadwinner. He's worked pretty consistantly, but it's construction - it depends on the weather, the economy, i work 6 days a week, he very rarely gets a whole 5. I am the responsible one financially - as in the house, the cars, all the bills are in my name. He may throw in $100 a month for food if he has extra. Otherwise all his money goes to his spending - gas, cigarettes, child support for his previous ex (which kills me cause she gets more a month than I do and her new husband makes more than both of us- ANYWAY), 'projects'. So while he gets a new tool, I've been wearing the same two bras for 3 years cause I'm fu**ing poor!

 

I feel that he does not contribute to the household chores enough. He mows the grass and feeds the dogs. I do the rest - which is a lot on a daily basis. He also doesn't make an effort to clean up after himself ie takes a shower and leaves the towels on the floor, opens a package and leaves the trash on the table, makes a sandwich and can't tie the bread back up - little annoying **** like that everyday. I went on strike about a month ago. He got all pissed off that the kitchen was dirty. I said 'me too'. Guess what, I ended up cleaning the kitchen.

 

While we have the same taste in tv shows, movies, and humor - we don't really share any other interests. and while he could watch tv everynight, I feel like my brain is rotting sitting there starring at the box.

 

About 2 weeks ago, he got pissed off because I didn't wake him up for sex one night after I got off of work (@1:30am). Now for some reason, this time, it really set my blood boiling and i've been simmering ever since and have really, really started thinking about kicking him to the curb. I haven't given it up all week.

 

I have become very indifferent. These last 2 weeks we've talked a little (which he must really see how pissed off i am because in the past, he's never wanted to talk about anything), he wants to stay together because he says he doesn't want to be alone and doesn't want to start over. When he asked me if I wanted to stay together, I told him i didn't know. He does love me, I do trust him....BUT i'm not happy living with him day in and day out. I don't get enough out of it. He wants to make it work and is awaiting my reply.

 

I hate to just tell him that I'm not in love anymore and to get out. He's already torn up about it, said he almost killed himself two nights ago. I actually get excited when I think of living alone - i have no problem with the concept. I was an only child and actually enjoy time to myself.

 

I suppose i'm going to address everything i've addressed here and give it a go for another couple weeks. In addition to asking him to more around the house and financially, i will agree to showing him more affection. Thing is, I have no desire to show him affection right now. Can you fake it until you make it in love? If he does all the things I ask and I'm still not happy, I will feel horrible kicking him out. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it.... i'm so conflicted.

[TaraMaiden]

I take it you're not married?

 

He "said" he lamost killed himself 2 nights ago.

 

First of all, he said... so that's drama.

Secondly, he 'almost killed himself'.

He doesn't want to and is not going to.

 

Killing himself would be futile, and give you what you want on a palte, and he won't do that for you.

 

He may SAY he will change, but within 2 months, you may find he simply 'reverts to type' once you've agreed to stay, and he's snagged you.

And he will walk all over you because once you issue an ultimatum, but don't carry it out, they believe they can push your buttons any time with "I promise I'll change" or "I'll kill myself if you leave".

 

Emotional blackmail.

 

Leave.

Take your kid with you, and leave.

 

There is no half-way house here, and you're prevaricating, because to be honest, in spite of the fact that you quite relish being on your own, you hesitate because there's a fear there... either of what he might do, or how it will turn out, in the cold grey light of day.

 

Well, you need - for your own sake and that of your son - to be decisive.

 

And quit giving in to his demands for sex (if you're still having sex, that is.....)

Tell him to go find someone willing to be emotionlessly phukked, because you're not volunteering any more.....

 

And - did I already say - leave.....?

[1234569]

No, not married. Never felt compelled to do so.

 

I didn't really take the killing himself thing to heart. He's had a few family members commit suicide in the last few years, but I don't think he'd do it. if he did, I wouldn't feel guilty, I know that would be his problem. I actually rolled my eyes when he told me....ouch.

 

it's just that in 13 years, this is the 1st real blow up. i feel like i should give him a chance (even if i think its futile?) for a month maybe - ? I just don't know how long I'm going to feel this indecisive.

 

oh and I wouldn't be leaving - it's all my ****. I'd have to kick him out. where he'd go, I don't know. which is part of why i suspect he wants to stay......

 

i appreciate your input

[1234569]

when reading my own posts...i see the fear you speak of - i'm not scared (well just a bit) but it's more like I just don't want the conflict. I want to wake up tomorrow and he be moved out and everything be happy, happy without dealing with hurting anyone. but of course, it's never that easy, that's what makes it life. sigh

[TaraMaiden]

Well, maybe then, you need to have the talk:

 

You know the one: "These are my needs, and I'm not going to bend over backwards for you any more. Pull finger. I give you 2 months to get your act in gear, and then thereafter, the changes had better be permanent - or else, you can get the hell out of here and no, I don't care where you go."

 

I actually had to write my ex- a letter to drum it through his head, because discussions were out of the question.

he would throw a paddy and revert to his '9-year-old' behaviour.

 

So I let him have it with both barrels in writing.

 

I know it's so much easier for me to give you this advice form where i'm sitting, and maybe things are not so cut-and-dried.

 

but you've lived like this for a long time.

You should know, in your heart of hearts, whether you think he has the will and impetus to change now.... You know him well enough to foresee the consequence of such a 'talk'.

 

So you need to plan your strategy accordingly.

 

because left to its own devices, and without you putting your money where your mouth is - your post is just a vent.....

[Deerhunter]

Sounds like a communication problem.

Both have to give and take. We are creatures of habit. Once those habits set in, its tough to get out of. You must have a talk with him and tell him your feelings and things need to change or prepare to leave. I'm not saying put so much on him that he becomes miserable. I'm saying do it as a team. He can pick up and clean up after himself.

 

Alone time is good for both of you. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

I would hate to see you throw away a man that really loves you. I'm sure deep down you really love him too. You may not realize it until he's gone so let's hope it doesn't go that far.

 

Talk, talk and talk some more. Lay all the cards on the table.