LittleTiger Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Like I mentioned early in the thread, you know if you're the type of person who can 'bend' or not. Can you please define what you mean by 'bend'? I'm starting to think that perhaps you mean 'settle' - for someone you're not attracted to - just so that you don't end up alone! Not advisable!
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Attraction can only develop if there is at least something there in the first place. The OP says there is no physical attraction. The king of attraction you are talking about grows the more you get to know someone. If you already know them and like them as a person, but you're not attracted, it's never going to happen. Never say never. At least not for everyone, as some people really will experience their attraction for someone growing over time.. even their physical attraction for someone. I know because when I first met my current bf I had very little / virtually no physical attraction to him, but now I am incredibly attracted to him in many ways! All I'm saying is that different people will experience attraction differently, and will likely also experience it differently in different situations, so it is up to each person to decide whether or not to take a risk on someone. And as long as the person they are taking the risk on is also fully aware of the situation, then I don't see a problem with that. I may be a rare exception of course. I admit that as a possibility. But I am proof that attraction, even physical attraction, can develop over time for some people.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I have a very different interpretation. In post number 14 she says the guy she isn't attracted to IS good looking, and the second guy isn't particularly beautiful. It seems it isn't about looks at all. Maybe she can clarify. She said physical attraction in the title. People can talk until they're blue about looks being subjective, but if that were the case, all the guys here would have had hot girls wanting them at some point in their many years, and this forum loses a quarter of its membership. Can you please define what you mean by 'bend'? I'm starting to think that perhaps you mean 'settle' - for someone you're not attracted to - just so that you don't end up alone! Not advisable! It means you are not 'particularly' attracted but the other factors quantitatively outweigh that. As far as what you recommend, I am not you. If you have men chasing you all over the place, of course you don't have to settle.
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's not what I'm implying it's what I'm saying. When I was younger, I'd read something posted from a woman like you, then go out and think women don't care about looks. Then, I get to know a woman over a year or so, fall for her, think she probably feels the same, and she rejects me for my looks. And then I'm twice as bitter as before. In fact, I remember a friend's sister asking me a few years ago about my dating style and I said I prefer to get to know the woman first. I won't do that anymore. You can only be a sucker so many times. My bitterness will fade. You just can't be dumb enough to do again what started it. Of course, it's case by case for other guys. Other guys will get to know a woman over time, and they'll hit one, and miss one. So, not a particularly disadvantageous approach for them. But the less physically attractive you are, the less I recommend the 'getting to know' approach. Ironic, huh? . Believe it or not, something similar happened to me in the past too. I spent over 2 years with my last bf and in the end he cheated on me, coldly cast me aside and cruelly broke my heart. Does that mean I now view all men in a negative light? That I think all men will cheat on me and then coldly cast me aside without a second thought? Luckily for me, no. I am open-minded enough to realize that all men are different! That they don't all deserve to be tarred with the same brush. And even if the majority of men were like my ex, it doesn't mean the next guy I meet will be, or that my current bf will be. And this open-minded thinking allows me to give my current bf the chance to show me what a kind, caring person he truly is.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 This is exactly why there are so many husbands over on marriage boards complaining about not having any sex after getting married. Unfortunately, women after certain age get so desparate for a LTR/marriage that they settle for situations like this one. They will even go through sex, fake it and then after the wedding ceremony, boom, they can show their true colors. Sad world all around. 2
LittleTiger Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Never say never. At least not for everyone, as some people really will experience their attraction for someone growing over time.. even their physical attraction for someone. I know because when I first met my current bf I had very little / virtually no physical attraction to him, but now I am incredibly attracted to him in many ways! All I'm saying is that different people will experience attraction differently, and will likely also experience it differently in different situations, so it is up to each person to decide whether or not to take a risk on someone. And as long as the person they are taking the risk on is also fully aware of the situation, then I don't see a problem with that. I may be a rare exception of course. I admit that as a possibility. But I am proof that attraction, even physical attraction, can develop over time for some people. I'm not disagreeing with you. I have also fallen for men that I wasn't wildly attracted to in the beginning. You said that you had 'very little' or 'virtually no' attraction. That is not the same as 'no attraction'! There is a very, very big difference.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Believe it or not, something similar happened to me in the past too. I spent over 2 years with my last bf and in the end he cheated on me, coldly cast me aside and cruelly broke my heart. Does that mean I now view all men in a negative light? That I think all men will cheat on me and then coldly cast me aside without a second thought? Luckily for me, no. I am open-minded enough to realize that all men are different! That they don't all deserve to be tarred with the same brush. And even if the majority of men were like my ex, it doesn't mean the next guy I meet will be, or that my current bf will be. And this open-minded thinking allows me to give my current bf the chance to show me what a kind, caring person he truly is. It doesn't mean that I have given up on women, just that I've catered my approach. I'm sure that you will do things differently because your last guy cheated on you. Avoid certain types or look for signs or whatever. I'm just doing the same thing. BTW. I have been cheated on too. It wasn't that bad for me to get over. Edited May 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 This is exactly why there are so many husbands over on marriage boards complaining about not having any sex after getting married. Unfortunately, women after certain age get so desparate for a LTR/marriage that they settle for situations like this one. They will even go through sex, fake it and then after the wedding ceremony, boom, they can show their true colors. Sad world all around. I feel sorry for women who get as desperate as that. I can't imagine living with someone I felt no connection towards at all for years on end. Doesn't seem worth it to me. That's why I think it's best to be honest about your feelings at every step of the way, so that both people are on the same page, and aware of the risks involved in giving things more time to develop if needed.
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It doesn't mean that I have given up on women, just that I've catered my approach. I'm sure that you will do things differently because your last guy cheated on you. Avoid certain types or look for signs or whatever. I'm just doing the same thing. BTW. I have been cheated on too. It wasn't that bad for me to get over. I struggled so much to get over that experience because of my personality I suppose. As I've struggled with depression / anxiety for years now and when all that happened I was incredibly depressed, despairing and suicidal afterwards because my "worthless feeling" surged into overdrive.. Everyone is different, that's all I'm saying. If you have your own approach to things fair enough. That will help you find someone who is right for you.
USMCHokie Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 That's why I think it's best to be honest about your feelings at every step of the way, so that both people are on the same page, and aware of the risks involved in giving things more time to develop if needed. Indeed. Looks matter more to women than they are willing to admit in public. Don't settle on just a personality only to be dissatisfied for the rest of your life. That is, unless personality is all you can offer yourself... 2
Author jolie_baby Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Indeed. Looks matter more to women than they are willing to admit in public. Don't settle on just a personality only to be dissatisfied for the rest of your life. That is, unless personality is all you can offer yourself... That may be right... I am someone who may care for looks more than I admit... not that am a drop dead gorgeous or that I only fall for models but I need to like the look of the guy I am with... especially that I am someone who naturally shows emotions by touching/kissing more than with words... so I need to enjoy it too
Author jolie_baby Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 While you're looking for this perfect guy, who may or may not exist, the clock is ticking.... He doesn't need to be perfect... read me again please... and don't be so insecure
Xinreeki Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Indeed. Looks matter more to women than they are willing to admit in public. Don't settle on just a personality only to be dissatisfied for the rest of your life. That is, unless personality is all you can offer yourself... Yes I agree. No one should ever settle for someone else merely because they believe that person is the "best they can get". As that wouldn't be fair to either person involved. So yes, if after awhile (the time you feel you need to let your feelings grow / develop - which will be different for everyone) you still don't feel sufficient romantic attraction to justify a continued relationship with someone, then obviously it would be best to end things at that point. Also if you need more time to let your feelings develop, and are not sure whether your attraction to someone might grow or not, then of course it is better to tell them exactly how you are feeling. That way they are aware of that risk, and can make a more informed decision as to whether they wish to continue the courtship / relationship or not. But naturally every relationship is going to involve some degree of risk. That is inescapable I think. Its just that the degree and nature of the risk(s) involved will be different for different people and different situations.
USMCHokie Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Also if you need more time to let your feelings develop, and are not sure whether your attraction to someone might grow or not, then of course it is better to tell them exactly how you are feeling. That way they are aware of that risk, and can make a more informed decision as to whether they wish to continue the courtship / relationship or not. Just remember that it often does not work this way for men.
Author jolie_baby Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Just remember that it often does not work this way for men. That is definitely one valuable piece of information... Men are either attracted or not, isn't it so?
USMCHokie Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 That is definitely one valuable piece of information... Men are either attracted or not, isn't it so? Yes, but also note that the required level of attractiveness differs when it comes to casual sex versus a relationship. It's much more difficult, though not impossible, for a girl who is not in the requisite range of attractiveness to overcome this with her personality. More often than not, the guy's change of heart comes from the girl becoming more physically attractive over time (e.g., losing weight, wearing makeup and better clothes, etc.). Refer to "the hook" as explained in the TV show "How I Met Your Mother." 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) what you're doing is ridiculous. Although it is an easy mistake for decent women to make: they want to give a guy a chance if he is really nice and she likes them well enough.... You do not need to date men you do not feel any chemistry or romantic feelings towards. Go find a regular looking bloke who blows your mind. If your not after a stereotypical "hot" guy and you do not have super high standards: you should find guy your attracted to soon, that seems like a nice guy to date:) Edited May 22, 2013 by Leigh 87
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