Mme. Chaucer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 You made a major mistake in spending 'date type' time with a guy you had no physical attraction to, and he made a major mistake in not discovering that you had no physical attraction from the first 5 minutes you met him. Wait. Aren't you vehemently claiming on other threads that people SHOULD date, and progress to sexual relationships with people for whom they feel NO physical attraction? What's changed here? Now, it'll probably end with him being heartbroken. But, you live and learn. If he's emotionally healthy, no. He won't be heartbroken. Dating is meant to be for checking people and potential out. He could very well feel bruised and disappointed, maybe even a bit angry, but he'll understand in his core that if it wasn't happening, it was not happening. If he's healthy. OP - I do not believe that we all need to have instant attraction for things to develop in that direction. But you KNOW it's not there. So of course you need to stop dating him. I've been in that situation and it was very uncomfortable to call it off, but it was all for the best and even though I know his feelings were hurt, I did the right thing by him as well as for myself. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Wait. Aren't you vehemently claiming on other threads that people SHOULD date, and progress to sexual relationships with people for whom they feel NO physical attraction? What's changed here? Good point. Yes, I do. But most women will not bend on the physical attraction factor (like you), so best to just let the guy go and not lead him on. There's nothing worse than knowing a woman likes everything about you and thinks you're awesome but is just not physically attracted to you. If she were the type to bend, she wouldn't be on here asking whether or not she should date a guy she has no physical attraction to. She'd just think to herself "You know he's pretty awesome. I'm just gonna date him."
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Physical attraction can develop over time for some people. It really can. I've experienced that exact phenomenon with several guys I've dated in the past, and especially with my current bf who I love more than ever after over a year together. Sometimes you have to give things a chance to see what happens. But of course, I do agree that both people should be made fully aware of what the exact situation is, before things even start, or else as soon as possible. I know it can because it has happened with me. As in, I have become attracted to women I was lukewarm about. But most people don't operate that way. Furthermore, there is a bottom limit for looks to where no matter how much you click, a woman will not consider you. So, it's not time/energy effective to get to know a woman in that manner if you are an unattractive man.
mortensorchid Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I'd end it as soon as possible, if it's not right for either party then it isn't right. Especially in the beginning, because what would pull two people together at all other than the fact they find one another physically attractive? If you don't feel it, then you're not going to feel it at any point. Move on and hope that the other party will understand.
agencyomegauk Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I think it is better to choose to second guy. You can make him your life-partner. He will take care of you. Thank you..
ThaWholigan Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I know it can because it has happened with me. As in, I have become attracted to women I was lukewarm about. Yes, there are quite a few people like this across both genders - at least in my experience. It doesn't quite work like that for everybody, but I think that some of us could afford to meet people halfway - but generally we should try to maximize the way we already do things to it's optimum while supplementing. That's how I see it anyway. We can't expect everybody to be like us.
LittleTiger Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Good point. Yes, I do. But most women will not bend on the physical attraction factor (like you), so best to just let the guy go and not lead him on. There's nothing worse than knowing a woman likes everything about you and thinks you're awesome but is just not physically attracted to you. If she were the type to bend, she wouldn't be on here asking whether or not she should date a guy she has no physical attraction to. She'd just think to herself "You know he's pretty awesome. I'm just gonna date him." You have a strange idea of how attraction works. You can't just decide to be physically attracted to someone. If it's not there, it's not there. No amount of 'bending' will change that. OP.....drop it, it's pointless being with a man you aren't attracted to.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 If she were the type to bend, she wouldn't be on here asking whether or not she should date a guy she has no physical attraction to. She'd just think to herself "You know he's pretty awesome. I'm just gonna date him." Do you believe that would create attraction? It seems that is what she's hoping, but it isn't happening. Can you spell out how to do that? How to create attraction to a person who you don't find attractive?
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Do you believe that would create attraction? It seems that is what she's hoping, but it isn't happening. Can you spell out how to do that? How to create attraction to a person who you don't find attractive? OP mentioned PHYSICAL attraction being the only drawback. I didn't. She did. The way to do it is basically go about it quantitatively, like you'd buy a car. "Hey, she likes sports, so do I. She likes import beer, so do I. She's funny, likes my stories, and seems like a great gal. Wow, tough qualities to find. OK, let's do it. Let's ask her out."
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I know it can because it has happened with me. As in, I have become attracted to women I was lukewarm about. But most people don't operate that way. Furthermore, there is a bottom limit for looks to where no matter how much you click, a woman will not consider you. So, it's not time/energy effective to get to know a woman in that manner if you are an unattractive man. As long as the guy is aware that you need time for your feelings to develop, and thus is also able to make an informed decision as to whether he wants to take a risk and continue the relationship, then I don't see a problem with that. I know it is a risk, and sometimes the relationship might turn out to be fruitless ultimately, but that is the risk you take with ANY new relationship to one extent or another. Rule of Acquisition #62 - The riskier the road, the greater the profit. So, it's not time/energy effective to get to know a woman in that manner if you are an unattractive man. Also I'm not sure what you are implying by this? But it sounds a bit like you're implying that if you see yourself as unattractive, then its not time/energy efficient to get to know any woman in that manner. Which is a fundamentally flawed way of thinking IMO. As how attractive someone is, is highly subjective, and different people will be attracted to different things in others (both physical and personality wise). Sometimes you just have to give others the chance to get to know you, and let them decide for themselves how attractive you are in their eyes. Yes its a risk. But life is full of risks, and you can't let bad past experiences taint your future experiences.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 OP mentioned PHYSICAL attraction being the only drawback. I didn't. She did. The way to do it is basically go about it quantitatively, like you'd buy a car. "Hey, she likes sports, so do I. She likes import beer, so do I. She's funny, likes my stories, and seems like a great gal. Wow, tough qualities to find. OK, let's do it. Let's ask her out." Ok, she's got that part. What happens when it is time to get physical, and you don't feel sexually attracted? 2
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Do you believe that would create attraction? It seems that is what she's hoping, but it isn't happening. Can you spell out how to do that? How to create attraction to a person who you don't find attractive? You focus on all the positive qualities they have, until they seem more attractive to you in every way. It is possible for some people. Maybe not everyone. And maybe not in every situation. But it is my bf's many positive qualities, like his kind, caring nature and his positive attitude to life, which over time, have drastically increased how attractive I find him. And now, after over a year together, I love him like crazy!
normal person Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 If you're a guy, I'd say that you should consider letting her go. From everything I've seen, women seem to be easier to win over without much initial physical attraction to their partner. I read so many posts here (all anecdotal I know, but a large quantity might be indicative of something) where a girl wasn't at all attracted to a guy at first but then fell for him after he displayed some more desirable traits, creating a sort of "general" attraction. On the other hand, I've never read or heard about a guy not being attracted to a girl physically but then becoming so later on or being satisfied with just her personality. I'm sure there are some instances but I'd assume they're much less frequent. I would guess that if you're not satisfied now, you're most likely never going to be. Cold hard truth, as shallow as it is. 1
Xinreeki Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 You have a strange idea of how attraction works. You can't just decide to be physically attracted to someone. If it's not there, it's not there. No amount of 'bending' will change that. OP.....drop it, it's pointless being with a man you aren't attracted to. "Bending" is the wrong word really. Its just that some people need time to let the attraction they feel towards someone develop. Of course, each of us will experience attraction differently, and likely we will experience it differently in different situations too. It all depends on how you feel about your situation, whether you think in time your attraction for someone may increase, and whether the other person is willing to give you that time.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Also I'm not sure what you are implying by this? But it sounds a bit like you're implying that if you see yourself as unattractive, then its not time/energy efficient to get to know any woman in that manner. Which is a fundamentally flawed way of thinking IMO. As how attractive someone is, is highly subjective, and different people will be attracted to different things in others (both physical and personality wise). Sometimes you just have to give others the chance to get to know you, and let them decide for themselves how attractive you are in their eyes. Yes its a risk. But life is full of risks, and you can't let bad past experiences taint your future experiences. It's not what I'm implying it's what I'm saying. When I was younger, I'd read something posted from a woman like you, then go out and think women don't care about looks. Then, I get to know a woman over a year or so, fall for her, think she probably feels the same, and she rejects me for my looks. And then I'm twice as bitter as before. In fact, I remember a friend's sister asking me a few years ago about my dating style and I said I prefer to get to know the woman first. I won't do that anymore. You can only be a sucker so many times. My bitterness will fade. You just can't be dumb enough to do again what started it. Of course, it's case by case for other guys. Other guys will get to know a woman over time, and they'll hit one, and miss one. So, not a particularly disadvantageous approach for them. But the less physically attractive you are, the less I recommend the 'getting to know' approach. Ironic, huh? Ok, she's got that part. What happens when it is time to get physical, and you don't feel sexually attracted? It's almost never a yes or no for me. I mean, yea if she was 70 years old and 500 pounds, I probably would have no attraction, but that is a ridiculous hypothetical that has never come close to happening. So, different levels of attraction. And if she was OK, but really cool, yea I'd definitely go through with it. I have, in fact. Also, I've never rejected anybody for looks. If I had women throwing themselves all over me my whole life, I'd probably think differently. Edited May 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's almost never a yes or no for me. I mean, yea if she was 70 years old and 500 pounds, I probably would have no attraction, but that is a ridiculous hypothetical that has never come close to happening. So, different levels of attraction. And if she was OK, but really cool, yea I'd definitely go through with it. I have, in fact. Also, I've never rejected anybody for looks. If I had women throwing themselves all over me my whole life, I'd probably think differently. But if there were zero sexual attraction (maybe more likely for a woman to feel that than a man), do you believe she should keep trying? Imagine your feelings toward this woman were similar to how you feel for your sister. That "brotherly" feeling happens for women a lot, and it's hard (maybe impossible) to shift it to sexual feelings when it happens. And it has nothing to do with looks. 1
SJC2008 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Don't listen to the haters on this forum saying you're stringing him along. Yall haven't even kissed or had sex. However, I am questioning the fact that you've known him for year and decided to date him knowing you aren't attracted to him. You tried and didn't feel it, just move on. 1
LittleTiger Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 "Bending" is the wrong word really. Its just that some people need time to let the attraction they feel towards someone develop. Attraction can only develop if there is at least something there in the first place. The OP says there is no physical attraction. The king of attraction you are talking about grows the more you get to know someone. If you already know them and like them as a person, but you're not attracted, it's never going to happen.
PJKino Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 If you're a guy, I'd say that you should consider letting her go. From everything I've seen, women seem to be easier to win over without much initial physical attraction to their partner. I read so many posts here (all anecdotal I know, but a large quantity might be indicative of something) where a girl wasn't at all attracted to a guy at first but then fell for him after he displayed some more desirable traits, creating a sort of "general" attraction. On the other hand, I've never read or heard about a guy not being attracted to a girl physically but then becoming so later on or being satisfied with just her personality. I'm sure there are some instances but I'd assume they're much less frequent. I would guess that if you're not satisfied now, you're most likely never going to be. Cold hard truth, as shallow as it is. That's bs womens attraction works the same way as men both are visual and as shallow as they can afford to be, some women will settle for people their not head over heels physically attracted to because its the best they can get with their own value on the market just like some men will its how blah looking people end up in relationships. If men and women operated so differently where women just looked on the inside of people and all men were shallow pigs then youd have only really hot women in relationships while average and ugly women were all single which is not the case Most unattractive and average men and women are in relationsips with each other which debunks the theory that women are anymore lenient on looks then men
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 But if there were zero sexual attraction (maybe more likely for a woman to feel that than a man), do you believe she should keep trying? Imagine your feelings toward this woman were similar to how you feel for your sister. That "brotherly" feeling happens for women a lot, and it's hard (maybe impossible) to shift it to sexual feelings when it happens. And it has nothing to do with looks. First off. It doesn't matter what I or anybody else says. People are going to do what they want to do. I don't think she should try. I told her she went too far already. I think she should tell every single man that she is not physically attracted to that it is the case. Not realistic, but yea, it would be helpful.
LittleTiger Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Also, I've never rejected anybody for looks. If I had women throwing themselves all over me my whole life, I'd probably think differently. Physical/sexual attraction is about far more than looks and it's what makes a romantic relationship different from other relationships. If you're not sexually attracted to the person you are having a relationship with, you might as well set up home with your best mate of the same sex! 2
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 First off. It doesn't matter what I or anybody else says. People are going to do what they want to do. I don't think she should try. I told her she went too far already. I think she should tell every single man that she is not physically attracted to that it is the case. Not realistic, but yea, it would be helpful. She went on a few dates. Sometimes, that does result in a spark generating. This time, it didn't. That's not her fault, and it doesn't mean it would be the same with a different man.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 She went on a few dates. Sometimes, that does result in a spark generating. This time, it didn't. That's not her fault, and it doesn't mean it would be the same with a different man. Umm, no. It wasn't like that. Read the OP. She has known the guy for years and admitted he'd be perfect if it wasn't for his looks. She also hooked up with some hot guy she barely knew soon after. I mean, I'm not saying OP is a horrible person. Lord knows I've met enough women who have done the same to me. But she shouldn't have led him on. Like I mentioned early in the thread, you know if you're the type of person who can 'bend' or not.
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 But if there were zero sexual attraction (maybe more likely for a woman to feel that than a man), do you believe she should keep trying? Absolutely not. After reading the "fat guys need loving too" thread, I can see a flaw in the notion that women should rely on personality for attraction...sure, you can be attracted to them in a general sense, but will you be physically attracted to them enough that you'd sleep with them on a consistent basis throughout the relationship, even as he got less physically attractive...? Or would sex eventually stop altogether? Could this have been avoided from the beginning if the woman set aside her pride and was willing to be more "shallow"...?
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Umm, no. It wasn't like that. Read the OP. She has known the guy for years and admitted he'd be perfect if it wasn't for his looks. She also hooked up with some hot guy she barely knew soon after. I mean, I'm not saying OP is a horrible person. Lord knows I've met enough women who have done the same to me. But she shouldn't have led him on. Like I mentioned early in the thread, you know if you're the type of person who can 'bend' or not. I have a very different interpretation. In post number 14 she says the guy she isn't attracted to IS good looking, and the second guy isn't particularly beautiful. It seems it isn't about looks at all. Maybe she can clarify. 2
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