jolie_baby Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hello everyone I hope you will help me maybe understand the situation a bit more and decide on what to do... I went on a few dates with this guy. a colleague of mine, that I knew for years now but we recently started spending more time together into what turned into "dates". We recently spent a nice date; we cooked dinner at his place, played some music and talked.... I enjoy his company... we have not been physical at all, not even a kiss... for different reasons, the main ones are because I would like to take this slow, but also I am not physically attracted to him... at all... At the end of that date I felt like I spent a great time, but the next morning I felt lonely, a bit sad and maybe a bit disappointed(?)... It is because I think it would have been perfect if I was physically attracted to him, and, not having that, kind of diminishes the chances that this will progress... I am now 30+ and looking for a LTR, maybe even marriage and kids along the line.... This weekend, I met someone by chance, a friend of a friend, who immediately asked for my number and email, and started constant contact. He asked to see me Saturday morning for breakfast and I agreed. We had a good time and ended up kissing and getting a bit physical... I could see and feel the difference between the two case... I do not see a long term thing with this guy though. I am only mentioning him here because I was actually attracted to him that I didn't mind reciprocating his initiatives... but with the first guy, nothing... My question is, what should I do with regard to the first guy? Clearly I am not attracted to him but should I still give it a chance? should I try to kiss him or something see if my feeling would change? Should I better drop it at an early stage and try to preserve our friendship?
fabulousgal Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Try the kiss, if you can. That should be telling. I'm going through the same thing, the guy was a good kisser but I still felt.... not enough.
ScreamingTrees Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Don't string this guy along like a low class individual. He deserves better than to be on one page while you're way ahead..
PogoStick Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hell no break it off. He will feel your lack of attraction. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Break it off with the first guy. You're not attracted to him now, and a kiss very likely will NOT change that. It will only make it more difficult to end it, because he'll assume that you're attracted in some way.
Ed the 3rd Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 You know you are just stringing the poor sod along right? Why bother?
stillafool Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 What was the difference between the first guy and the second guy that caused the attraction? 1
colombiana28 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 What was the difference between the first guy and the second guy that caused the attraction? the second guy is hot? neither of these guys are good for you. hold out for someone who you feel an attraction to who is ALSO good LTR potential. I know it seems like that person doesn't exist but you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you settle for someone who you don't feel the least bit of attraction to. 2
Xinreeki Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I wasn't very physically attracted to my bf when I first met him, but that attraction grew over time and now we've been together a year, I love him like crazy and love him more and more each day. If I was you I would be honest with the first guy about how you are feeling. Tell him that you are, currently at least, not feeling any physical attraction for him, but that you still feel a connection with him and would like to see how things develop, if he's willing to take that chance. As your feelings may grow in time, if you do at least feel some kind of connection with him? But it all depends on how you see things going with this guy? Do you feel any kind of connection with him at all? If not, then yes, I would be honest and break it off to maintain the friendship. However, if you do feel some kind of connection and think you just need more time to let your feelings develop, then tell him that is how you feel. Because it may be worth a try, as long as he is willing to take that risk too and is fully aware of your thinking. That seems the most fair way. As when I first started getting close to my bf, I was always very honest about how I was feeling, how I wasn't sure how I felt, how I needed more time to get to know him, how I wanted to stay friends for awhile first and he was very understanding of that and happy to wait. But I do think its better that both people know where they stand, so both can make an informed decision about what they want to do about the relationship situation. 1
apple OR orange Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 this is a trick question right???? you really do know what to do, but just stringing us for a joke? right???? You never just keep seeing a guy you have no intention of doing sex with, or staying with, that’s called USING HIM... The second guy, you don’t want to spend a long term with, again USING HIM. Send me there numbers, i need to warn them about you... this is outright bad, seriously have to be kidding me you even asked this... If your not going to be physical with someone you don’t fracking stay with them, its called USING.
Author jolie_baby Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 this is a trick question right???? you really do know what to do, but just stringing us for a joke? right???? You never just keep seeing a guy you have no intention of doing sex with, or staying with, that’s called USING HIM... The second guy, you don’t want to spend a long term with, again USING HIM. Send me there numbers, i need to warn them about you... this is outright bad, seriously have to be kidding me you even asked this... If your not going to be physical with someone you don’t fracking stay with them, its called USING. I am honestly a bit shocked about this reply... As I said we have both been taking it slow and I have not used anyone nor intend to do so... I do enjoy his company and wanted to give it a chance... I am specifically here to try to know whether I should give it another date or just leave it there... I do not understand how can you make assumptions as if I knew the answer to the question I asked... I knew the options but not the answer, hence am here... Thanks everyone for your feedback... I initially thought that I maybe should give it another try.... but am not sure anymore... I am a bit disappointed on that most of the replies are focused on how poor the guy is (forgetting that he is a friend to start with and I care about him) and not on whether attraction may happen a bit later in dating... not to mention that he may actually also be seeing other people since this is a subject we never brought up in any case... the best thing may be to end it...
ThaWholigan Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I am honestly a bit shocked about this reply... As I said we have both been taking it slow and I have not used anyone nor intend to do so... I do enjoy his company and wanted to give it a chance... I am specifically here to try to know whether I should give it another date or just leave it there... I do not understand how can you make assumptions as if I knew the answer to the question I asked... I knew the options but not the answer, hence am here... Thanks everyone for your feedback... I initially thought that I maybe should give it another try.... but am not sure anymore... I am a bit disappointed on that most of the replies are focused on how poor the guy is (forgetting that he is a friend to start with and I care about him) and not on whether attraction may happen a bit later in dating... not to mention that he may actually also be seeing other people since this is a subject we never brought up in any case... the best thing may be to end it... Possibly - the posters here are projecting a little, but I agree with the sentiment. Kissing him in another encounter may backfire a great deal and end up with him wanting you more and you wanting him less because the kiss all but confirmed there was a lack of attraction. Speculation though - it could work out that you may warm to him but if there's no physical attraction at all, that could be a problem and it's best you leave it. As for the 2nd dude - could you go into a short term thing with him and not have it messy? If I were you, I wouldn't push with this too much either. It's up to you though, however you feel about it. I actually think you could bite the bullet and see if the 1st guy may just surprise you yet, but like I said, that could be a gamble. Good luck, whatever you decide. The safe option would be to drop it. 2
Author jolie_baby Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 What was the difference between the first guy and the second guy that caused the attraction? Well I liked his face ... this second guy is not particularly beautiful, not at all, but for me I thought he was good looking... he had a nice face... I liked his body, also his voice.. that is to mention physical appearance... the first guy is also good looking... I really cannot say anything bad but am not sure why chemistry didn't happen... as I mentioned before, this situation made me feel a bit lonely and sad as I really was hoping this would work out...
Xinreeki Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, in the end it might be that its best to end things. But I still think its worth having a full and open discussion with him about it first, to see how he's feeling about things too. And as your friendship is clearly very important to you, I would even more strongly recommend that you try and be as open as possible with each other about how you are both feeling and where you both see things going. I wish you all the best whatever happens 2
Author jolie_baby Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, in the end it might be that its best to end things. But I still think its worth having a full and open discussion with him about it first, to see how he's feeling about things too. And as your friendship is clearly very important to you, I would even more strongly recommend that you try and be as open as possible with each other about how you are both feeling and where you both see things going. I wish you all the best whatever happens thanks! I think a full and open discussion will be needed in all cases (also when ending it) and I think I will do just that...and maybe keep you guys posted... Best
AlexDP Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hello everyone I hope you will help me maybe understand the situation a bit more and decide on what to do... I went on a few dates with this guy. a colleague of mine, that I knew for years now but we recently started spending more time together into what turned into "dates". We recently spent a nice date; we cooked dinner at his place, played some music and talked.... I enjoy his company... we have not been physical at all, not even a kiss... for different reasons, the main ones are because I would like to take this slow, but also I am not physically attracted to him... at all... At the end of that date I felt like I spent a great time, but the next morning I felt lonely, a bit sad and maybe a bit disappointed(?)... It is because I think it would have been perfect if I was physically attracted to him, and, not having that, kind of diminishes the chances that this will progress... I am now 30+ and looking for a LTR, maybe even marriage and kids along the line.... This weekend, I met someone by chance, a friend of a friend, who immediately asked for my number and email, and started constant contact. He asked to see me Saturday morning for breakfast and I agreed. We had a good time and ended up kissing and getting a bit physical... I could see and feel the difference between the two case... I do not see a long term thing with this guy though. I am only mentioning him here because I was actually attracted to him that I didn't mind reciprocating his initiatives... but with the first guy, nothing... My question is, what should I do with regard to the first guy? Clearly I am not attracted to him but should I still give it a chance? should I try to kiss him or something see if my feeling would change? Should I better drop it at an early stage and try to preserve our friendship? No, I think you should continue this. You're not attracted to him, but who cares? What's the worst that could happen? You laying next to him on a Sunday morning, watching his disgusting body and him asking you to go down on him? Which you kind of feel obligated to so you try, but you just can't manage.. That's not bad at all!
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I went on a few dates with this guy. a colleague of mine, that I knew for years now but we recently started spending more time together into what turned into "dates". We recently spent a nice date; we cooked dinner at his place, played some music and talked.... I enjoy his company... we have not been physical at all, not even a kiss... for different reasons, the main ones are because I would like to take this slow, but also I am not physically attracted to him... at all... Pretty much the same thing that happened to me with my last major rejection (a while ago). In fact, she said pretty much the same you said in the bolded. You made a major mistake in spending 'date type' time with a guy you had no physical attraction to, and he made a major mistake in not discovering that you had no physical attraction from the first 5 minutes you met him. Now, it'll probably end with him being heartbroken. But, you live and learn.
hppr Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So the guy is handsome but you aren't physically attracted to him at all? How does that work?
ThaWholigan Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So the guy is handsome but you aren't physically attracted to him at all? How does that work? Just because they are conventionally good looking/handsome, doesn't mean that everybody will be attracted to them . 3
Xinreeki Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 No, I think you should continue this. You're not attracted to him, but who cares? What's the worst that could happen? You laying next to him on a Sunday morning, watching his disgusting body and him asking you to go down on him? Which you kind of feel obligated to so you try, but you just can't manage.. That's not bad at all! Pretty much the same thing that happened to me with my last major rejection (a while ago). In fact, she said pretty much the same you said in the bolded. You made a major mistake in spending 'date type' time with a guy you had no physical attraction to, and he made a major mistake in not discovering that you had no physical attraction from the first 5 minutes you met him. Now, it'll probably end with him being heartbroken. But, you live and learn. Physical attraction can develop over time for some people. It really can. I've experienced that exact phenomenon with several guys I've dated in the past, and especially with my current bf who I love more than ever after over a year together. Sometimes you have to give things a chance to see what happens. But of course, I do agree that both people should be made fully aware of what the exact situation is, before things even start, or else as soon as possible. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, in the end it might be that its best to end things. But I still think its worth having a full and open discussion with him about it first, to see how he's feeling about things too. And as your friendship is clearly very important to you, I would even more strongly recommend that you try and be as open as possible with each other about how you are both feeling and where you both see things going. I wish you all the best whatever happens I second this, I dont think forcing a kiss works in any case.........first kisses are often awkward........so not a real judge of anything........i had an ex who gave me a first kiss that i was so shocked.....he went in for the kiss in the first place........i was like ...did that happen or am i hallucinating...it was soft and fleeting like a whisper of a kiss......he didnt know i felt for him so it was quick.......done at midnight on new years.......wasnt a tell of anything really....... be open and honest with the first guy......open yourself up a bit dont close off thinking you havent felt anything yet........give it time, have that talk with him.....i agree with this poster i have quoted above.....it is worth the effort to see where it is going.........deb
Author jolie_baby Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Every post here have been of help... so thanks again to everyone... Based on that, I believe the most appropriate thing to do at this stage would be to have a sincere talk with him, maybe explaining where I see myself now and knowing the same about him... being clear and positive is very important... After that, we most likely will end it but at least no one will be leading anyone on and even in the case we choose to continue it will be an informed decision and will be his as much as mine.... wishing everyone here the best
crederer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Well, was he unattractive or did you just not feel the "spark" everyone talks about? Big difference between the two things.
PJKino Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 What was the difference between the first guy and the second guy that caused the attraction? One guy was good looking the other was not
Jane2011 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 OP, my modus operandi is to proceed up to date 3 if the following are in place: 1) I think he is fun to talk to/I kinda like "the way" he talks (voice, inflection, etc.) 2) I'm ambivalent about sexual-chemistry/his sexiness factor (i.e. I'm kinda feelin' it/not all the way just yet, but kinda) 3) I'm ambivalent about his looks (I'm kinda feeling his looks; I'm kinda not). My attraction will often grow from that. It never grows from him having a great personality but my finding his looks really unappealing. Other women have different stories, but that's how things work for me, generally. Incidentally, I didn't like the way my current boyfriend wore his hair for the first two months that I dated him, but I thought his face was great. I've since gotten him to change his hairstyle, and he's a better looking man for it, what with him getting all kinds of compliments (he's told me of them, and I have witnessed them myself). I feel like I did him a service by advising him to wear his hair differently. That said, hair is changeable. Body and face are harder to alter, so be sure you're attracted to that.
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