Cindira Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Been dating this guy for a year, and he used to be married to a long-ago friend. We were all friends when they were married, but then the friendship cooled off after they got divorced (which was about ten years ago). There were no kids involved. In general, I wouldn't have minded eventually renewing ties with the former friend/ex-wife, but I could see that the idea made my boyfriend very uncomfortable, so out of consideration for him I let it go. Although there shouldn't be any reason to bear ill will towards each other, it felt like a relief that they're not in contact because it seemed like it could be potentially awkward. The deal is, I just found out that she's still very involved in his family's life, including attending family functions and Facebook and stuff like that. I'm just wondering the best way to handle any kind of meeting that is likely to occur so that everyone is comfortable and there is no drama (one of the reasons the former friendship had cooled off in the first place). I have no problem being cordial with her, and of course would never want to interfere in any way with any kind of relationships his family might have. I just want some ideas as to the best way to handle or better yet avoid any potentially awkward situations.
Treasa Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Are you worried about your BF wanting to be back with his ex? If not, I'd say let it go. You don't have to be best friends with her, but I don't think what she's doing is terribly out of the ordinary. I don't speak with one of my exes anymore, but I'm still good friends with his mom.
Author Cindira Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Are you worried about your BF wanting to be back with his ex? If not, I'd say let it go. You don't have to be best friends with her, but I don't think what she's doing is terribly out of the ordinary. I don't speak with one of my exes anymore, but I'm still good friends with his mom. Oh, no, that's not it at all...actually my BF is the one who'd rather there be no contact. And, I understand that she gets along well with his family even though it's been over ten years. It's just that since we used to be friends, too, I want to know the best way to handle any times where we might run into each other at family events because she is apparently always there. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or weird.
Treasa Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 You're very considerate. Do you think she would be upset about you being with him despite them having been apart for quite a while? I do get that you have to take your BF's feelings into consideration, but it's nice when there's no drama and people can just get along like people and be kind to each other, which it sounds like you're trying to do. I try to be very pleasant with everyone, even if they seem to think I don't like them or vice versa.
Author Cindira Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I guess there's no way to know how people are going to feel about things. At the time, there was enough drama that it made me uncomfortable and I backed away from the friendship, even though the drama didn't involve me . (In other words, I was not any part of the reason for their breakup.) It wouldn't have come up at all, in fact, if she weren't always around his family's events after all these years, but it is what it is so I'm trying to be cool with it. I just want to make it easy for everyone else to be cool with it too. Just in case there IS an issue with it.
Galaxias Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) This sounds very awkward. Edited May 30, 2013 by Galaxias My friend posted on my user by mistake. I told her to log onto her own. She's an idiot.
Author Cindira Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 OK, so now this thing is beginning to seem kind of creepy. She is much, much more involved with his family than I had realized. Virtually everywhere I turn, family-wise, there she is. And it wouldn't be an issue (because it's not that I ever really stopped liking her) but for the fact that I fear she might make an unpleasant scene in front of his family, and make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. I'd like to give them a bit of a heads up, maybe a little bit more history/background. It's like my BF and I were prepared to handle anything potentially awkward that might come along just from being in the same social circle, but to think that his family might be put in an awkward position is just not cool. What would be the best way to do this? Would a phone call be all right? I'm afraid to wait until we see each other, because she might be there and it would be too late to warn them. What would I say? To let them know that there might be an issue arising if we should happen to run into each other at a family event or whatever. Like, I wouldn't do anything to cause any awkwardness, but judging from the way she rants, even on THEIR pages, I fear she might have no problem making a scene. I don't want to be the cause, even indirectly, of anything unpleasant for these people who have all been nothing but nice to me. The fact that this is even an issue after so many years and no discernible reason for her even being around (to the extent that she is, anyway) is a whole other matter. I mean that's their SON, how does she think they like seeing her rag on him all the time (after so much time??)? How is ANY new relationship he might have supposed to feel? How does HER current boyfriend feel to see that she's so obsessed about some guy she wasn't even married to for very long, and so many years ago at that? That she didn't even have kids with? I've had actual stalkers in the past, but after a few years (and a few restraining orders) they ended up moving on and disappearing (as far as I know, lol). What is it with THIS case? And why does his family allow it, like do they feel guilty for what he "did" or something, or what? It's perfectly reasonable that they might feel genuine affection for her, but where is the line drawn? I mean, their own son should not have to second-guess what family events he's going to attend or when, so that he can avoid running into his ex-wife who apparently has been given free rein. I'm very confused, and although I'm trying to just take things as they come and not stress over it, I am anguished at the thought of these nice people suffering through a potentially awkward encounter because I could not find a way to let them know to be prepared. Hopefully, we've all grown up a bit and can be mature and considerate about the way that life's changes come about. But, judging from her recent posts on his family's pages, I have my doubts as to how civil she's likely to be. Toward ANYone she perceives as having contributed to anything that has bothered her.
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