Dating: increase chances of being taken seriously

[Sunshine87]

This is a spin off from the thread titled "They only want sex".

 

What can a woman do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? I know far too many "decent" women seeking relationships with a lot to offer. But often, the men relegate thier relations with these women to nothing more than a friends with benefit situation. Im aware that "falling for someone" has little to do with tricks or games. But is there anything a woman can do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? For example refraining from engaging in sex too early? Hold back emotionally until he indicates serious intentions? Subtly let him know your desires? Dress decently or conservatively?

 

I know a lot of men oppose this but if you meet a man who gets a lot of easy sex by virtue of his charisma, good looks, wealth etc, I would not recommend that a woman who is interested in something serious, jumps right into sex with him.

 

Anyway ild love to hear from both men and women. Thanks.

Edited May 20, 2013 by Sunshine87

[Imajerk17]

I'll answer this question generally for women.

 

Think about the guys you accept second and third dates with, versus the guys you do not. Many women go by "chemistry" (instead of whether he is a good guy who would be interested in a relationship) which seems to get them in trouble.

[somedude81]

She should put some thought into the type of men she interacts with.

 

Also, odds are if a guy is really smooth, he's only going to be interested in sex.

Edited May 20, 2013 by somedude81

[joystickd]

I put thread up about what you have to offer to the opposite sex and a lot of women said sex. Thats a problem. Focus on selling your other qualities so they can actually see you as someone that actually has something to offer.

[Treasa]

I have very strong boundaries. The kind that don't get shoved in your face, but if you cross them, you get zapped in the nuts.

 

I clearly and calmly will say if he's doing something I don't like or don't want to do, and then I let silence (and absence) speak for me. I don't overstate it or get emotional. I use pretty much the same tone of voice my mom would use with me that had the unspoken threat of, "I'm speaking quietly, but you don't EVEN want to know what I'm going to do if you so much as open your mouth again." It comes with a "look"!

 

Thanks, mom.

[ThaWholigan]

For women to be taken seriously, they actually have to trust their gut about certain things, as Ninja puts it. Sometimes, there are men who really are too good to be true .

 

Contrary to the others however, I'm not gonna tell you to give guys you aren't attracted to "a chance". There will be times where a modicum of attraction will be sufficient enough for you to look into it (I'd advise that), but it's not likely to be the happiest union unless you're compatible in other ways and you're prepared to live with a partner who isn't your physical ideal. If you are fine with that, then proceed.

 

But don't get caught up.

[Imajerk17]

For women to be taken seriously, they actually have to trust their gut about certain things, as Ninja puts it. Sometimes, there are men who really are too good to be true .

 

Contrary to the others however, I'm not gonna tell you to give guys you aren't attracted to "a chance". There will be times where a modicum of attraction will be sufficient enough for you to look into it (I'd advise that), but it's not likely to be the happiest union unless you're compatible in other ways and you're prepared to live with a partner who isn't your physical ideal. If you are fine with that, then proceed.

 

But don't get caught up.

 

Well I'm not talking about *looks* per se. I am talking about not getting too hung up on things such as "chemistry", "you just know", and those other feelings (which have little to do with looks) that some women use to justify getting involved with someone who is bad for them.

 

We see it all the time on this forum. Women will go for guys with issues or who make big confessionals on the first date, or who come on too strong (whirlwind courtship, just like in the movies!). This type of drama shows bad boundaries but it is exciting to a lot of women. (I didn't say all women though, and I say not all women on here, misogynist police please take note.)

 

There are a lot of great guys who aren't good at creating romantic tension. You'll go on a first date and they just seem nice and normal, with no drama in their lives. They will compliment you and tell you they want to see you again. But they won't come on too strong and try to be your boyfriend after only 3 dates (solid boundaries). Where is the excitement in that? These are the guys that I would advocate the OP "giving a chance" to.

[ThaWholigan]

Well I'm not talking about *looks* per se. I am talking about not getting too hung up on things such as "chemistry", "you just know", and those other feelings (which have little to do with looks) that some women use to justify getting involved with someone who is bad for them.

 

We see it all the time on this forum. Women will go for guys with issues or who make big confessionals on the first date, or who come on too strong (whirlwind courtship, just like in the movies!). This type of drama shows bad boundaries but it is exciting to a lot of women. (I didn't say all women though, and I say not all women on here, misogynist police please take note.)

 

I do agree with this here.

 

There are a lot of great guys who aren't good at creating romantic tension. You'll go on a first date and they just seem nice and normal, with no drama in their lives. They will compliment you and tell you they want to see you again. But they won't come on too strong and try to be your boyfriend after only 3 dates (solid boundaries). Where is the excitement in that? These are the guys that I would advocate the OP "giving a chance" to.

 

I also agree with this, and dare I say that not all women respond to romantic "tension" also, so would be better matches in some case. I would say that they do deserve a chance - and in general it wasn't your post I was referencing with that, it was in essence a reference to the thread which inspired the spinoff.

[JonasB]

Don't use your sexuality to get validation, ie dress modestly. Have something to offer, if you don't know anything that isn't Kim Kardashian or MTV.. what do you expect us to want outside of sex?

 

Most importantly, take a critical look at the kinds of guys you're dating.

[RedRobin]

This is a spin off from the thread titled "They only want sex".

 

What can a woman do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? I know far too many "decent" women seeking relationships with a lot to offer. But often, the men relegate thier relations with these women to nothing more than a friends with benefit situation. Im aware that "falling for someone" has little to do with tricks or games. But is there anything a woman can do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? For example refraining from engaging in sex too early? Hold back emotionally until he indicates serious intentions? Subtly let him know your desires? Dress decently or conservatively?

 

I know a lot of men oppose this but if you meet a man who gets a lot of easy sex by virtue of his charisma, good looks, wealth etc, I would not recommend that a woman who is interested in something serious, jumps right into sex with him.

 

Anyway ild love to hear from both men and women. Thanks.

 

No, there is nothing you can do to make another person do anything.

 

I'd recommend stating your goals and expectations up front, as respectfully as possible. Listen to his. If you think there is a match, proceed from there.

 

If he shows signs of inconsistency... ie words not matching actions, that's your first signal.

 

Also, guys who try to slide you into 'default' FWB without your permission... those are pretty easy to sift out if you only date through your social network. Guys who have that relationship style don't hide it (in fact, they brag about it!!), and tend to repeat that pattern. It's not your job to 'win' guys like that over.

 

Just be yourself!! When I meet someone I like, I don't do anything special with my look, or schedule or anything just because he appeared. I do what I can maintain (and have) over time. No surprises. He should be doing the same.

 

With the rest of them... You'll have to be a bit of a tough nut and not capitulate to the whining and weaseling from guys with the FWB/ONS history trying to get you to go along with it. Once upon a time I used to give guys like that a chance. I don't anymore. Old habits are hard to break with them.

 

The only 'proof' is consistent words and actions. Every time. Settle for nothing less. My favorite is when they say "but you knew my obligations"... when you call them on their lack of attention and follow-through. That's my cue to hit the eject button.

 

Finally... it takes about 2-3 months for these tendencies to show themselves. Just be prepared for that and don't invest yourself too much emotionally unless you've known them for at least that long... no matter how you meet them.

Edited May 20, 2013 by RedRobin

[apple OR orange]

i have no idea on this, i am amazed how guys with no money, dress bad get sex in bars, so working out how a woman would do better, sounds like something only women can answer.

[hppr]

There are a lot of great guys who aren't good at creating romantic tension. You'll go on a first date and they just seem nice and normal, with no drama in their lives. They will compliment you and tell you they want to see you again. But they won't come on too strong and try to be your boyfriend after only 3 dates (solid boundaries). Where is the excitement in that? These are the guys that I would advocate the OP "giving a chance" to.

 

Pretty much nailed it.

 

The thing is I have known women that are as the OP describes and it's really impossible for them to be happy in a relationship with that sort of guy. I think they like their men to be unstable, uncaring, with little to no commitment. It's easier than fully committing and being genuinely intimate with someone else.

[Woggle]

Be clear about what you want and focus on men who actually do want relationships.

[Shepp]

Be fun! Literally none of that other stuff bothers me it all depends on the girl and the i situation! The one thing that will make me take a girl seriously is how well we get along!

If a girl can make me laugh, have a bit of banter and importantly isn't afraid to put me in my place then she's got my attention!

 

I think for me personally too much yes Alfie, no Alfie, three bags full Alfie and I switch off, a girl who can keep my attention will be taken seriously!

[hppr]

i have no idea on this, i am amazed how guys with no money, dress bad get sex in bars, so working out how a woman would do better, sounds like something only women can answer.

 

1) go there every night

 

2) be really friendly/tell jokes/be an ass

 

3) get drunk

 

Some girl will eventually grab their arm and take em home. Yes it is really that easy you just have to keep at it.

[JonasB]

There are a lot of great guys who aren't good at creating romantic tension. You'll go on a first date and they just seem nice and normal, with no drama in their lives. They will compliment you and tell you they want to see you again. But they won't come on too strong and try to be your boyfriend after only 3 dates (solid boundaries). Where is the excitement in that? These are the guys that I would advocate the OP "giving a chance" to.

 

Well yes but the vast majority of women aren't attracted to those kind of guys.

[StanMusial]

This is a spin off from the thread titled "They only want sex".

 

What can a woman do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? I know far too many "decent" women seeking relationships with a lot to offer. But often, the men relegate thier relations with these women to nothing more than a friends with benefit situation. Im aware that "falling for someone" has little to do with tricks or games. But is there anything a woman can do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? For example refraining from engaging in sex too early? Hold back emotionally until he indicates serious intentions? Subtly let him know your desires? Dress decently or conservatively?

 

I know a lot of men oppose this but if you meet a man who gets a lot of easy sex by virtue of his charisma, good looks, wealth etc, I would not recommend that a woman who is interested in something serious, jumps right into sex with him.

 

Anyway ild love to hear from both men and women. Thanks.

 

There were some good answers in this thread, especially about watching out for the types of guys you are meeting/dating.

 

Also, your social circle and lifestyle greatly dictate how you are perceived. I have met girls who are 30+ years of age that still do the bar/club scene like they're 21. Uh, no. I don't take them seriously as relationship potential. I know a couple of these girls that are frustrated with their situation and one in particular that has baby on the brain big time. It's kind of sad actually.

 

I guess my point is, having your act together (relative to your situation/age) is a big step in the right direction. Most of the mature and "street-smart" girls I know did OK.

[joystickd]

Do any of you women focus on selling your other qualities that make you worthy of being in a relationship?

[PogoStick]

OP, Thanks for letting the guys of LS project their failings onto you. They've been needing to vent.

[ChessPieceFace]

TWhat can a woman do to increase her chances of being taken seriously? I know far too many "decent" women seeking relationships with a lot to offer. But often, the men relegate thier relations with these women to nothing more than a friends with benefit situation.

 

Again, this is where the mistake happens. If you imagine or believe most men are players, what it means is that you're chasing after players. Fix your selection process and you will magically have "fixed" the men involved.

[Els]

It depends on what exactly you mean by 'taking you seriously'. In your case, you seem to be mostly concerned with ending up as a temporary FWB or hookup. That is fairly easy to avoid, in that if you don't want to be FWBs... don't be. Don't sleep with him until you have an exclusive relationship established.

 

Holding back emotionally til you get to know a person is good... within reason. Everyone, men and women, should refrain from investing their heart in someone when they've only known the person for a few weeks. If what you want is the long term, then it will serve you well to focus on the long term - in getting to know the person, building trust and connection with him, learning about him.

[kassy]

I personally know quite a few women (in the 30's) who are bitter about men and say all are players, only want sex etc etc while the same women are desperate for a relationship/ baby. Their attitudes ooze out of them without them knowing it.

 

A surprising and extreme example is that a few of us happened to be single at the same time and as a bit of a boozy girls gossip night decided to create profiles on AFF. (Where I live it's not quite as dodgy a website as the USA, but still not exactly great). Anyway, we mainly did it to help out two of the girls just get out there a little. I just broke up with my ex and was quite keen on the idea of a bit of a fling. Anyway the girls who are generally 'successful' with men and not bitter and twisted all actually ended up meeting really cool guys from there and getting into long term relationships. To be honest, we never actually thought any of us would even meet anyone off there, more for the, see there are single men out there kinda thing. The girls who struggled in real life met *******s who treated them like crap and this reinforced their opinion of men.

 

So even through an online medium where none of us put up pics, or said anything much on our profiles (literally generic one liners and that was it except filling out the basic stats), even then the ones who genuinely like men, think the majority are good guys, and aren't all baby crazy met super cool guys and had totally normal dating timelines. The other ones just met proper *******s. (I am not suggesting AFF is a great place to meet men btw!!!)

 

The guys you are meeting/dating are very much a reflection of your attitude to men, and life in general. So maybe take a bit of time to reflect on yourself, are you happy in life, if not why not & fix it. What do you think about men? Is it really true? Don't you know lots of great men who are married/dating/ single who prove there are good guys out there and plenty of them so no reason for you to freak out, maybe time to try different ways of meeting men instead of write the whole gender off as *******s? Why would you assume the worst of someone simply based on their gender? Surely as a grown up you can, most of the time, spot the nice people from the not so nice? Not all the good ones are married. Telling yourself that just makes you feel better.

 

Anyway sorry for the verbal diarrhea.And not all my points are directed at the op, but rather also generally for women struggling at dating after their 20's. Also a few more things to remember 1) dating should be fun, 2) it's not only men who enjoy sex, 3) don't just date anyone who comes along, date the ones who you like, 4) relationships can happen at any time, if you are desperate to have kids there is always the options of artificial insemination and adoption. Then go find the man of your dreams later, no need to get all desperate for a baby.

 

I am not a dating expert, but have dated great guys, just started dating another who kind of snuck up on me. I wasn't looking to date anyone right now for other reasons. But he's just too awesome to pass up ;-)

[Emilia]

I have very strong boundaries. The kind that don't get shoved in your face, but if you cross them, you get zapped in the nuts.

 

I clearly and calmly will say if he's doing something I don't like or don't want to do, and then I let silence (and absence) speak for me. I don't overstate it or get emotional. I use pretty much the same tone of voice my mom would use with me that had the unspoken threat of, "I'm speaking quietly, but you don't EVEN want to know what I'm going to do if you so much as open your mouth again." It comes with a "look"!

 

Thanks, mom.

Same. An ex of mine calls it the 'death stare'

 

OP, Thanks for letting the guys of LS project their failings onto you. They've been needing to vent.

Indeed

[nerd]

kassy, I think I understand and agree with your general point.

 

But, having generally been relationship and marriage-minded in my interactions with women, I'm frustrated with characterizing members of either sex as desperate when marriage is what they really want.

 

How does one keep from being desperate while acknowledging what they're really looking for?

[kassy]

Nerd: totally agree, I think most things can't be generalized by gender.

 

In my humble opinion knowing what you are looking for is great, but being desperate to me usually is different for a few reasons. Off the top of my head: the person seems more interested in getting married than who to. The person feels inadequate or 'like a failure' at some level for not being married, they try and make anyone they date into their perfect partner in their head and just overlook all the red flags, tend to rush things or be clingy. The person try's too hard to be what they think others want. May be bitter or resentful of others who get married/have a great marriage.

 

Obviously all of those don't apply to each person, and to differing degrees. It also doesn't mean they won't find someone perfect for them. But I just think if they enjoyed life, were happy with who they are, confident with what they want (ie don't date people who treat them like rubbish), put themselves out there but more with the though of dates as nice ways to get to know someone and see where it goes rather than an interview for a life partner or expecting them to screw them over before even really having any basis for that assumption then they might have more luck.

 

Basically, be happy, be yourself, put yourself out there, take fun chances, know when to walk away and when you really click with someone make sure you let them know what you are looking for. Don't take things too seriously, until they become serious.

 

Not sure if that helps.

 

I like to look at it that my life is awesome and I genuinely like who I am, im not perfect but im pretty satisfied with myself, when I'm dating I'm looking for someone equally awesome to merge our fantasticness haha but them I'm a bit of a goofy retard half the time so what do I really know ;-)