fabulousgal Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I've been seeing a guy here and there for the last 2 months. I met him right after a breakup and was a little hung up on my ex. But I told him this from the beginning. He has been really nice and persistant. I had to ask him once or twice to tone it down. He would send me messages like, "Can't wait to see you" ... and frankly I didn't feel that way yet. I liked him enough to see him again, but not with overwhelming excitement. Well I've done a lot of personal work, and am over my ex. The new guy asked me out this past weekend so I went to see if I felt anything. I just didn't feel a spark . This is the 4th time we've seen one another. I enjoyed talking to him, but don't want to jump over the table and make out with him. But I wonder am I confusing infatuation with being into someone? Does this stuff take time? He has so many great qualities on paper. Sigh. Positive, loyal, nice, caring, ambitious, successful, driven, worldly, refined. The things I don't like are once in awhile he will brag about his success or money, I am not really that attracted to him, and I don't feel the level of funny/silly banter I enjoy oh so much with my friends. He's asked to see me again, but I am wondering when to call it quits and stop waiting for it to hit me. Is that even realistic for it to at this point? I feel like I want to not write guys off so fast if I don't want to jump them, because that is usually what I base things on and it hasn't gotten me much . Thanks!
Roadkill007 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If you really do want to like him because you like his qualities, you can try a few more and maybe suggest a change of pace/scenery. Sometimes seeing people in different environments can give you that "spark" Just be prepared to let him down though if nothing's happening... it'd be worse for the both of you if you go past just "giving it a try" when you don't really feel the attraction. Chemistry IS quite irrational after all Honestly though, for most cases, I'd say that if you weren't intrigued by the first three dates, it'd probably be useless to go for more. 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If I may ask, how old are you and how old is he? If I recall, you also wrote a thread a few weeks ago about someone you met at a wedding. What happened to him? Another thought is that there are a lot of women who equate solid boundaries as predicable and boring (no chemistry), and who equate bad boundaries (coming on too strong, issues in his life, and other drama) as exciting, no matter what they *think* they want in a guy. Maybe that is you? What roadkill said. Still I think it is good that you gave it 4 meetings.
Author fabulousgal Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I'm 32 he's 27 but very mature I have to say. Owns a company, he's a real "old soul." I think the wedding guy was just a fling too bad, but it did make me realize my ex was not a good fit because 48 hours with him was more passionate/affectionate than 8 months. Ha. I am going on A LOT of dates. I have about 4-5 guys I am seeing (just seeing, no hooking up or even more than innocent kissing, the above mentioned from the wedding was a rare and won't be repeated occasion, albeit fun). I am just trying to figure out what I like and what I want in a partner. I understand what you are saying about being addicted to drama, that is not me. It gives me headaches. I think I just want to find a long-term partner so sometimes I put up with too much. My ex taught me though, it's not worth it and not to ignore signs out of what "I wish." But I do know that if I don't feel this lustful/intensity right away I am less keen to keep trying. So I am concerned I am confusing infatuation with "something special" and not letting myself get excited. I used to bail right away, but I am trying to solve that by being patient. Thanks for your insights! 1
sillyanswer Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I've been seeing a guy here and there for the last 2 months. This is the 4th time we've seen one another. You've only seen him 4 times in 2 months, which sounds like roughly once a fortnight. Does dating at that frequency usually work for you? I think I'd lose interest during the long gap between the dates, so might never "click" with the other person. If I saw someone 4 times in a month I think I'd know if I wanted there to be a 5th and 6th and 7th date already. If I only saw them 4 times in 2 months I'd be questioning either their or my commitment to dating.
apple OR orange Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 seing way to many people at one time me thinks
Author fabulousgal Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 ur dating more than one guy at a time. god help you Haha, why is that? For those that think that more than 1-2 are too many, I think it's smart to casually date to get to know what you like and don't like in a partner. One will at some point stand out from the pack, I am certain, the best fit for me. Never put all your eggs in one basket too soon! 1
Author fabulousgal Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 You've only seen him 4 times in 2 months, which sounds like roughly once a fortnight. Does dating at that frequency usually work for you? I think I'd lose interest during the long gap between the dates, so might never "click" with the other person. If I saw someone 4 times in a month I think I'd know if I wanted there to be a 5th and 6th and 7th date already. If I only saw them 4 times in 2 months I'd be questioning either their or my commitment to dating. Mostly it's a function of my career, I travel sometimes for 3 weeks straight. However, if I met someone I was truly into I'd find more ways to get home for a night or two to see them during peak travel periods. My commitment to dating him wasn't that high, but I was honest about it. I asked him to slow it down a few times. But, I think you are right, I'm indifferent about a 5th or 7th date, so it's worth letting him know we are better off as friends. Thanks!
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Try kissing him and see what happens. That's my deal breaker. 1
Vinegar Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) I have this problem all the time! I've been on up to four dates seeing if I felt anything. At that point it is time to cut it loose. I have gone on a second, third and fourth date when I didn't feel anything right from the start. Everyone tells me I have to give a guy a chance. But I feel like my initial feelings are usually on the mark. I always feel like there's something wrong with me if the guy "looks good on paper" and I don't like him. Just the other day a friend of mine told me I am too picky. I still struggle with these situations all of the time. And I don't go after guys who are the "bad boy" types either. I even made plans this week to go out with a guy who is very nice and I feel I can talk to but is not very good looking and I probably won't be attracted to. It will be our second date but if everyone tells me I am too picky... I also date multiple guys at one time because you can't put all your eggs in one basket being how hard it is to find someone you connect with and are attracted to. I feel like I would waste too much time and miss opportunities dating one by one. sorry I made this about me. I guess I am just venting because it seems I know how you feel. Edited May 26, 2013 by Vinegar more to add 1
mortensorchid Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Honestly, I have only felt the bad feelings for sure. Almost immediately I get the feeling like "I'm not going to see this person again after today" or "we are not compatible". And it's mutual. Then there are the good feelings. Truth be told, I only felt that good feeling about a few people upon a first meeting. One was the love of my life from 10 years ago, we were introduced by a mutual friend. It was like ShaZAAAM!!!! when we met. The other times were with two Internet dates. All I could do was decide that I liked the person before me, got the impression he did as well, and then we talked the next day (One ended up being a real jerk, he blew me off after 6 weeks. The other we ended up dating for about 3 months, we talk maybe once or twice a year through Facebook as he moved back to his hometown on the west coast.) And then two others I'd met in real life. I guess it's a mutual feeling, a combination of lust, happiness, and energy. But if you are completely repulsed by the other then that's your sign. And honestly, I have to have that instant something or it's not going to happen at any point.
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