SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hello all. OK so a bit of a long story, but would appreciate any comments/advice from anyone who is kind enough to read. I'll give you a bit of background on me and the girl I am "seeing": ME: Longest relationship = 6 years, lived together for 4.5 years, owned a property together, engaged. Ended badly, leaving me with a broken heart. Almost 2 years later and I can finally say that I am not in love with her anymore and ready to move on. HER: Longest relationship = 8 years, ended 1 year ago (although they went through the process of "dragging" it out until Nov last year, so it has only really been 6 months) through mutual agreement. They fell out of love. OK, so, I've been on approx 13 dates with this girl over a timeframe of close to 3 months, seeing eachother 1-2 times a week, texting/calling every day. We have been on some AMAZING dates together with comments from her such as "this is the best date I have ever been on in my life", and (after receiving a thoughtful gift from me on her Birthday): "This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me". When we are together, we act as BF and GF. Very touchy feely, always holding hands, hugging, kissing in public, etc to the point where we have both been referred to as BF and GF by waiters, doormen, standup comedians (don't ask!), etc. Whenever we are around eachother, we are always VERY close, no awkwardness, can sit there and chat for hours about everything or nothing at all, enjoy the same things, always having fun, smiling, etc. We have been sexually intimate since the 2nd date which is ALWAYS amazing. OK, so that's the good stuff (thanks, by the way, if you've made it this far!). Now for the bad stuff. We kind of touched on "The Talk", about a month ago. We both admitted that we liked each other and established that we were dating exclusively with neither of us wanting to see anyone else. However, she went on to say that she is terrible about speaking about her feelings. i asked if she found it hard when other spoke about their feelings to her and she said, "yeah, i guess I do". She then went on to say that, although she doesn't want to see anyone else but me, that is as much as she can offer at the moment as she's not sure that she is ready for a relationship yet. She asked if i felt the same about not seeing other people (I said i did) and then said that she loves things how they are at the moment, that we're having so much fun and how I'm so lovely to her. At that point, i considered ending things with her, as i knew my feelings were starting to develop. And seeing as this is the first girl i have actually had these sorts of feelings for, since my EX, I just didn't want to get hurt. Anyway, problem being, we already had 2 dates set for the next few weeks, so i thought that I would just go on them and see how I felt after. But, as always, the dates were AMAZING and we ended up setting up even more dates!! Sometimes I plan something, sometimes she plans something - so it's not a one way thing. So yeah, although we only see eachother once or twice a week (normally once), we always seem to make plans with one another for the future, talk about doing things in the future, roadtrips, etc. Now, those of you who haven't fallen asleep thanks to this epic story (sorry!), are probably wondering what the problem is. WELL. Like I said, when we are together, it's AMAZING. We are amazing together and act completely like BF and GF (in public or on our own). However, it's when we are apart that's the problem. I feel like I am the one who does the most contact initiating. Yeah we text every day and she always gets back to me, but on most occasions, it takes her HOURS to reply. She just feels really hot and cold to be honest. Hot when we're together and mainly cold when we're not. It's just frustrating to be honest. I mean, yeah she does send nice texts sometimes but, if I'm honest, they are probably more in response to something nice I have said. But then she did say she is "rubbish at talking about how she feels". But is that really an excuse? Anyway, as an example: We had an amazing night on saturday, went to an amazing event, had some amazing food, cocktails, etc and then she spent the night at mine. We had a lovely lazy morning, i cooked breakfast, we had a bath, etc. So all going really well and she even text me immediately after jumping on the train to head home to say thanks for a lovely time, etc. But then, as always, i won't hear from her until hours and hours later and usually will involve me texting her. Anyway, I just feel like I have to hold back with her. Like i can't call/text her "just because i feel like it". I normally feel like I have to wait until hours and hours before initiating contact, to which he normally takes hours to respond to, unless it's really late and close to bed time (which seems to be the best time to contact her). Now I know it's not healthy to be constantly in contact/texting all the time, but I don't know, sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice if she were to text me out of the blue just because she thought of me or wanted to see how I was for example. I'm not saying she hasn't done that before, because she has, but it does feel like I'm the one who puts in most of the effort. An example would be the other day. I text her at about midday and she didn't reply till 11:30 at night! Now i do know that she HATES texting and all of her friends seem to constantly be asking why she never replies, or when a text comes through when I'm with her, she pops it back in her bag and says I must remember to reply to that later. So i do know it's not just me that she does this to. But it's still annoying! But then again, she's not my GF! Sorry, this is REALLY getting long winded hey!? I'm trying! OK so the contact thing is a bit annoying. And sure enough, if I back off, she will initiate contact more. But I don't want to have to back off. I HATE game playing with an absolute passion, it bores me and actually makes me completely lose interest in the girl. However, this girl is different. Besides her being cute, intelligent, witty, creative, cultured, family orientated, friendly, outgoing, laid back (I could go one but this message is epic enough as it is!), there's just something about her that i can't even put my finger on....that's how I KNOW, she's special. But we've been "seeing each other for almost 3 months now, and although I sense she is getting more and more relaxed around me, there just doesn't seem to be any "progression" in the time that we are apart. I still feel like I have to try and book a space in her diary to see her ASAP, before she gets booked up. There is no presuming we will see eachother, still formal dates set. To be fair, she is a REALLY busy person. Her work is nonstop and sometimes she is in the office until 10pm at night or working from home. She also is very close with her friends and family (like me) so has a hard time fitting everyone in (again like me). But I'm starting to feel like I prioritise my time to see her, but don't feel the same from her. Other bad points, her ex called her about a month ago, to which she told me out of free will, stating that she "wished he wouldn't break the NC" so that they could both "move on". Any sort of Ex on the scene is a big REDFLAG for me and although they ended things mutually, it's only really been 6 months - a year that they split up....from an EIGHT year relationship. I know how I was after 6 months, and, although i went on a few dates....i NEVER let it go past 5 dates if i wasn't feeling it or if I sensed that the other person might be developing feelings. Now i know our situations are different, as i was heartbroken and they ended things amicably and mutually. However, a breakup is a breakup hey? And another thing that REALLY got me, was, about a month into us dating, I tagged her in a pic of us on FB. She text me saying that she had done something weird and removed the tag. She said that she was still friends with some of her ex's friends on FB and didn't want to seem like she was rubbing being with another guy in his face. As soon as she said this, I said to her that she could tell me if she still had something going on with her ex and that it was cool if she did because i would never want to stand in the way of her happiness. She assured me that there was absolutely nothing going on and apologised for her "weird behaviour" and said that if her and her "guard" hadn't put me off, she'd still love to see me that weekend. I'm gona stop there, as I'm pretty sure no one will read this far anyway! it's hard to put it all down in words. But the gist of it is, is that I'm starting to like her, like really like her. We have so much in common and she has the best heart. She is beautiful inside and out and i can honestly say that this is the first girl, that i could see myself in a relationship with since I split up with my ex-fiance almost 2 years ago. But after almost 3 months and 13 dates, we are still just "seeing" eachother and having to arrange formal dates, etc. We are still, whether subconsciously or not, playing games via text and, although we talk about everything...it's not everything, as we never talk about "us". She has mentioned that she wants to meet my friends and does arrange "surprises" for us to do together out of the blue and whenever I see her friends, they are always commenting on our amazing dates, etc. but i'm just worried that things will always be how they are, fun times, dates, sex but no real emotional attachment. I feel like I am giving her the benefits of an AMAZING relationship, without the actual commitment of one. Whenever i go out, if girls talk to me or ask for my number, i no longer entertain them. I'm friendly but brush them aside. An AMAZINGLY stunning girl gave me the biggest smile and winked at me on the weekend....normally, I'd be over there catching some banter and having a chat....but i just walked straight past. So you see, i already feel committed to her, but I'm NOT her BF. I'm just someone who she's going on dates with and having fun with. Do you think this will ever evolve into something more? Or should I try and detach myself from the situation before my feelings get any stronger and I potentially get hurt? Any help would be MUCH appreciated. Sorry again for the length of this Never Ending Story...
apple OR orange Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 i couldn’t read it all, however women are all different. I know someone who was "going out", no sex with anyone else for over 4 years, however she was moving out of the country, if he didn’t go out of choice she was going alone, now what is interesting is a few years later (he moved) it was let out that she considered that "friends", and wasn’t worried if he didn’t come.... 4+ years of "relationship" and she considered "friends", so your going to get other peoples views here on what you should do, you really need to do what you want. Also never look back at her after if you leave, she wont do the same thing with someone else, she might get married fast, that just means she wasn’t in to you like that and didnt want to say no (seen it before, in fact i have a very nasty story over this and immigration with someone, could have been VERY bad)>
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thank you for taking the time to reply and I'm not surprised that you didn't get the time to read it all! I guess it's the age old - "I'm not ready for a relationship yet". However, what is odd, is that in this case, we are still "seeing" each other and have been for a while. In a lot of cases, the "not ready for a relationship" line is used as a blow off. Heck I'm even guilty of that one. I don't know, I guess I'm just completely confused with this one. Probably because I actually care about her. She's just not very emotionally communicative. Or perhaps she just not into me at all... Either way, I am finally ready for a relationship, I LOVE spending time with her and if i had to pick ANYONE to get into a relationship with - it would be her. But if it's not going to develop into anything, then I guess it would be easier to end things now becuase my feelings are only going to get stronger the more I see her...
serial muse Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) OP, it sounds to me like she really isn't over her last relationship. She sounds like a slow mover - an eight-year relationship that took months to end...at least she's consistent. You mention that her ex called, and that she told you about it - but not what he called about. Was it a "let's reconsider the breakup" call? I did read your entire post, and to be honest, the thing I found most troubling was that she removed the tag. As a result, I'm guessing her ex doesn't know anything about you. And that means that she's still got unfinished business there - doesn't mean that she wants to be with him, but it does mean that she's prioritizing his emotional needs over yours right now. That's perhaps understandable, given the length of their relationship, but nobody's going to be able to move on without a little cold honesty -- in the form of "I'm dating someone else, and I really like him." I say this because I had a similar experience with my now-H. We started dating more than a year after he had broken up with his ex-GF, but he hid me from her for a couple of months (they have mutual friends) because he "didn't want to rub it in her face" and she had hopes of getting back with him. He had broken up with her; he didn't want to get back together. But he felt guilty over the breakup, and thus like he "owed" it to her not to be obviously dating someone else because it would hurt her. It's hard to argue with that outright - it's not coming from a place of jerkiness, exactly. But it's still wrongheaded - not just hurtful to the new person, but also effectively was a way of stringing along the ex indefinitely. Sometimes, you just have to cut the string and let the chips fall where they may. You can't coddle an ex forever. (In the end, I put my foot down over it and we got it sorted out, but not before I got very annoyed.) I guess the bottom line is that you have to figure out where your boundary is. It's clear you really like her, and perhaps for that reason you're not willing to rock the boat at this point, and instead will choose to go on for a little while longer in this limbo. But ultimately this isn't really fair to you, because it just isn't what you want, and I'm guessing it will start to eat away at you more and more. Don't let it fester so long that it takes over the rest of the relationship. Edited May 20, 2013 by serial muse 1
GB25 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hey I had a similar situation as you where in person when we were together everything was totally amazing we made love, touched, cuddled, she was all over me..as soon as I left it was like she forgot who I was..it baffled me and left me feeling horrible..I mostly had to initiate and it got exhausting. It sounds like her head might be elsewhere, maybe the ex? i dont know but not as invested in the RL as you are I hate to say..I feel like if you were to break it off she really wouldnt take it that hard. This has nothing to do with you i think some women just don't make a sig other there top priority its just the way it is..and trust me I know it's confusing as all heck bc when you are together she cannot keep her hands off you so its like trying to solve an algorithm with no answer Some things are what they are...also with my situation I always thought there would be progression, she would open up bc like you're girl she was horrible at feelings..but it was never like that.there was never progression it was like the 9th date was the 1st date...im still confused about it.. I say let this one go before you get wayy to invested..sounds to me like she can pull the plug on this and leave you in pieces at any moment..find a lady that can want you when you are with her and not..that initiates conversation, and that wants a real relationship...someone that slowly makes progression as the days/weeks go by..this one sounds like its stuck in a time warp and she will not let it advance
hppr Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I'm not gonna read your wall of text. My advice is that if you like her and are having a good time, getting what you want then go with it; if not, then start looking elsewhere. Anything beyond that will be overthinking it. 1
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 THANK YOU sooo much serial muse. Your message means a lot and, to be honest, is exactly what I've been thinking, but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. I'm so glad I found this forum! Yeah she told me her ex called but didn't mention why - I didn't want to push it to be honest. I figure, she will tell me what she wants to tell me and I'm not her BF, so I feel like i don't really have the right to press her for anything. Silly as that may sound. Yeah I'm sure the Ex doesn't know about me. All her friends and family do but yeah I agree with what you are saying completely. In fact, my ex (who was the one that messed up the relationship) has CONSTANTLY contacted me throughout the 2 years that we have broken up. At first I replied but soon realised that it was better for her and for me to initiate no contact. I even tried to get my cell company to block her calls. But actually just the other day she text me saying that she know's that I still love her and that I would never be able to find what we had with anyone else. I know some might think this was a bit harsh, but I did it to help her as well as help me: I replied, for the first time in almost a year telling her that i didn't love her. So yes completely agree with your cold honesty statement. It sounds like you have had a similar experience. And yes, 8 years is a LONG time. Especially since they split up for no real reason (ie. no one cheated on the other, etc). he was the person she spent most of her adult life with, so I can understand where she is coming from, i really can. But that is why, as much as it pains me, I am thinking that maybe this is a case of "bad timing" and that I have to back down....as much as I REALLY don't want to. Thanks again for your advice and for saying that it's not fair on me. I know she hasn't done anything wrong and I commend her for being honest with me from the start. But its starting to feel like real feelings (at least on my side) are or at least could be at stake now. It does feel like being in "limbo" I don't know whether to try and talk to her(and risk rocking the boat), carry on with the string of AMAZING first dates but no real progression or just bail and get back to having fun with my friends, being carefree and opening the door to meeting someone who is ready for the same as me?? What i will say is that going out to bars and clubs isn't as enjoyable anymore and even the boys holiday that is rapidly approaching isn't that appealing. All because I am falling for her, maybe I have already fallen. but either way, I just don't have a clue what to do from here. LIMBO
Joaquin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If you guys don't get on the same page very soon if I were you I'd think very hard about it all. If her head ain't ready for a new beau, yr in for a real roller coaster ride if u stick around. While yr busy making a heart connection looking for the usual relationship milestones, she.... well basically isn't. Tread carefully.
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Hey I had a similar situation as you where in person when we were together everything was totally amazing we made love, touched, cuddled, she was all over me..as soon as I left it was like she forgot who I was..it baffled me and left me feeling horrible..I mostly had to initiate and it got exhausting. It sounds like her head might be elsewhere, maybe the ex? i dont know but not as invested in the RL as you are I hate to say..I feel like if you were to break it off she really wouldnt take it that hard. This has nothing to do with you i think some women just don't make a sig other there top priority its just the way it is..and trust me I know it's confusing as all heck bc when you are together she cannot keep her hands off you so its like trying to solve an algorithm with no answer Some things are what they are...also with my situation I always thought there would be progression, she would open up bc like you're girl she was horrible at feelings..but it was never like that.there was never progression it was like the 9th date was the 1st date...im still confused about it.. I say let this one go before you get wayy to invested..sounds to me like she can pull the plug on this and leave you in pieces at any moment..find a lady that can want you when you are with her and not..that initiates conversation, and that wants a real relationship...someone that slowly makes progression as the days/weeks go by..this one sounds like its stuck in a time warp and she will not let it advance Thank you GB25. It does sound like your situation is VERY similar to mine and to be honest, if you had come to me with that problem, i would probably have said the very same thing that you have just said to me Out of curiosity, how long or how many dates did you go on for before you had to make the decision to end it (if it was you that ended it that is)? But yeah, definitely sounds like the same thing. Each week, I live in the hope of progression, and when there isn't, I think about ending it, back off and then WHAM....she hit's me with an offer of a surprise date which she wants to arrange, even though we have one set for 2 days after. All goes really well, until the end of the second date...back to work, back to reality I guess. I have another DATE with her set for this week. I haven't replied to the text she sent this morning...not even sure why to be honest. Should i go on the date and see what happens? but this is kinda what I've been doing for the last few months now! But you're right, the more i do it, the more invested I get. So pulling the plug may be my only option sadly What do i even say to her though?? i mean, she's not my GF after all.... This is horrible! I'm not going to lie, I've met a lot of girls since I split up with my ex....but everything about this one is different....she is the first girl that I have actually liked just because of her and who she is...she actually makes me want to commit. It's just a shame that the one girl that can do this to me, doesn't seem to want me to. Life hey...
GB25 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 What happened with me was what I knew would happen..she just kinda ended the relationship with no remorse, granted mine is/was A LOT younger than you're girl and totally immature and that has a lot to do with it..but yeah she just kinda dissapeared with no explanation/ she sent a cpl texts down the line but nothing of significance..she acted like a total selfish Bish.. Like you, I got too attached to the point where it was my fault. I should have never gotten attached to a girl who showed so many red flags about commitment, emotions, and just overall immaturity..I think the red flags are there for you also.. Im telling you, she likes you and im sure she enjoys spending time with you but the more you see her and spend time the more invested you are getting even if you tell yourself.." oh ill just go out one more time and see what happens" you are setting yourself up for heartbreak I promise you that. I feel like you are trying to crack this girl into sucumbing to you...its a lot ego driven..like why the hell wont she give in already???? Its like that level in that video game that you just cant beat and you wont rest until you beat that level..unfortunately with some girls the level is un beatable and you will bang your head against the wall trying to win something that cannot be won..if she cannot commit and she un-tags youre pics she is not in this with you 100% and you need to do what is hardest which is let go..trust me in the long run you will be way better..she will not let her guard down and it will drive you to insanity 1
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thank you Joaquin and GB25. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you GB, you sound like a decent guy. Really glad I decided to post on here. Been a tough decision for me and reading bout all your experiences and thoughts on the matter just reiterate exactly what I've been thinking. She's an amazing girl and for me, it's not about beating that "level", it's about playing each and every level together. But you're all right...that just doesn't seem possible sadly What exactly should I say to her though? I mean, should I be honest and say that I can't do this anymore because I'm starting to fall for her? She's not my gf though so just don't have a clue what to do or say Thanks again EVERYONE who has taken the time to respond
Shosh Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hi Simon, I think I understand where you are coming from. Recently I was in a similar situation, only I was the girl in your scenario. Now, I don't know what is really going on with her, but I can tell you what the reasons for my behavior were. I really liked the guy I was seeing, and I found him attractive and enjoyed the time we spent together, but to be honest, I was still not over my ex and still held on to hope that we might get back together. I know that is horrible and I felt really bad about it. I also told the guy I was dating that I was not ready for a serious relationship and that I just wanted to enjoy what we had. But I knew he wanted more and felt bad for 'stringing him along' or 'wasting his time'. All the time I was hoping that my feelings for him would grow and I would forget about the other guy. A few times I was very close to really opening up to a relationship with him, but then I received a call or text from my ex and I changed my mind. The situation finally ended when I could not take it anymore. I told him that I could not see myself in a serious relationship with him anytime soon, and I did not want to hurt him or waste his time anymore, therefore I decided we should not see each other anymore. It was a difficult decision because I really cared for him and really enjoyed spending time with him. And the sex was amazing. I also realized at the time that I might be making a huge mistake, but I just couldn't go on like this. At first we was angry, then he claimed he was okay with us just being friends but I knew he really was not, so I insisted on a total break. I never got back together with my ex, and I am really sorry that I was not ready for anything serious with this great guy. I am not sure if it was an issue of time, or if I never would have developed deep feelings for him, but it was a bad situation anyway. Now here is my advice to you: Tell your girl how you feel. Tell her what you want and how her behavior hurts you. If she cares about you at all, she will either try to change or she will end things with you if she can't see herself entering a serious relationship with you anytime soon. I apologize for the long post, I hope you found it a little helpful anyway.
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Hi Shosh, First off PLEASE don't apologise for the long post....in fact I truly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to share your experience with me and anyone else who may be reading this and in the same boat. It is refreshing to speak to people who genuinely want to help, so for that I must THANK you! It's nice to hear from someone who was on the other side and appreciate your honesty. I hope you don't mind me asking you a few things? * who's decision was it for the relationship between you and your ex to end and was it amicable? * you say you never got back with your ex, but did you ever get to the point where you thought you were ready for a relationship? If so, did you not contact the guy who you cared about? Please don't feel that you have to answer those questions by the way Thanks sooo much for your advice. I'm not sure if I should tell her how I feel to be honest. I'm kinda thinking that perhaps the best thing, for the both of us, is for me to end it with her not sure if I should tell her that as much as I am enjoying the AMAZING times we're having together, I just can't do it anymore because I can see myself falling for her. I'm just stumped. Life's a strange old thing hey...
Shosh Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I hope you don't mind me asking you a few things? * who's decision was it for the relationship between you and your ex to end and was it amicable? * you say you never got back with your ex, but did you ever get to the point where you thought you were ready for a relationship? If so, did you not contact the guy who you cared about? Not at all. I guess it was a joint decision, though he was the one who uttered the words after I had been complaining about how the relationship was not working for me for a while. It was amicable and we stayed in touch for a long time. Still are, but less frequent now. I did, but I never contacted the other guy, because I just felt too bad for stringing him along. Also, part of me thinks that if he had been the right guy for me, I probably would have been able to open up to relationship with him. I think he was a great guy and just what I needed at the time, but just not the right guy for me long-term. I am not saying she feels the same way about you. My advice to you would really be to not just break it off with her, at least not without putting your heart out there and telling her how you really feel. That is not because of my own experience, but because it is always best to take risks and if you are going to lose/let her go anyway, at least make sure you did everything you could. I am dating a guy myself right now, who is acting a little like your girl and how I used to with this other guy. So I think I know what is going on inside his head. We have been dating for 2 months and I don't see any progression and recently he told me that he is not ready to be in a relationship with me. Even though it is rather difficult, what I think I will do is tell him that I really care for him but I think I am developing strong feelings for him and I will get hurt if I let things continue the way they are now. Therefore I will walk away unless he is ready to be my boyfriend. It is not worded as strong as I would like it to be, but since you are a man and have some balls I think you should be able to put yourself out there even more. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thanks again Shosh. Yeah I know what you mean but I'm also pretty sure she knows how I feel. I mean, you knew how that other guy felt about you right?? I'm such a chilled out person though and not really one for ultimatums. Not that I'm against them at all - it's just me and the way I m built. I think she knows how I feel and what I want by the way I am with her, the things I do and the things I say. sadly, if she truly felt the same, I wouldn't even be on here. It's tough as she self professes that she is "rubbish at talking about how she feels" and I'm here talking about EVERYTHING to everyone BUT the one person who I should be. That's just not right now is it? Anyway, thanks again for all of your help. You sound like a lovely person - I really hope it works out with your guy. Keep in touch and let us jono how it goes. Will have my fingers crossed for you!!! One last thing....do you think it is unreasonable to be feeling all that I'm feeling after 3 months? I mean, do you think it is too soon and I should just be enjoying things as they come and having fun? I guess it's tough when you begin developing feelings for the person hey...
fabulousgal Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I couldn't read it all but my ex used to get mad at me over the same thing. But we were bf/gf. He wanted full reign to stop by, text, call etc. whenever he wanted. And the reason I held back... Because I was evaluating how serious we were about each other before falling. Once I'm in all the way, you are my king. But that isn't just handed out until I am certain. She said she is not dating others, maybe she is just trying to pace this. I wouldn't worry and be the man and lead your lady to your heart Awwww 1
serial muse Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) Thanks again Shosh. Yeah I know what you mean but I'm also pretty sure she knows how I feel. I mean, you knew how that other guy felt about you right?? I'm such a chilled out person though and not really one for ultimatums. Not that I'm against them at all - it's just me and the way I m built. I think she knows how I feel and what I want by the way I am with her, the things I do and the things I say. sadly, if she truly felt the same, I wouldn't even be on here. It's tough as she self professes that she is "rubbish at talking about how she feels" and I'm here talking about EVERYTHING to everyone BUT the one person who I should be. That's just not right now is it? Anyway, thanks again for all of your help. You sound like a lovely person - I really hope it works out with your guy. Keep in touch and let us jono how it goes. Will have my fingers crossed for you!!! One last thing....do you think it is unreasonable to be feeling all that I'm feeling after 3 months? I mean, do you think it is too soon and I should just be enjoying things as they come and having fun? I guess it's tough when you begin developing feelings for the person hey... Well...I actually wouldn't assume she knows how you feel, especially if you are pretty chilled-out around her in person. As far as she's concerned, you may be interested in moving forward but basically OK with the status quo, and that means that she can take as much time as she wants. I suspect that's where she is with this. If she is rubbish about talking about her feelings, there may be a strong streak of "out of sight, out of mind" as far as worrying about things like that. Which means she just might not realize that this would actually bug you as much as it does unless you come right out and tell her so. I don't think it's at all unreasonable, three months in, to feel strongly about a person and want to know where things are heading. Only you can say if you've reached your limit on patience... I guess my general advice would be to talk to her about this, not in an accusing "you're not over your ex" way, but in an "I really like you and I find that the uncertainty of our situation is starting to get to me" way. You don't have to do this now, or next week - but I wouldn't wait another month. I know you've asked about your status before, but the part I'm not clear on is whether you've let her know that you're starting to feel unhappy about it. That's the relevant piece of information here...at some point, she should know that, before you decide to walk. Edited May 20, 2013 by serial muse 1
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I couldn't read it all but my ex used to get mad at me over the same thing. But we were bf/gf. He wanted full reign to stop by, text, call etc. whenever he wanted. And the reason I held back... Because I was evaluating how serious we were about each other before falling. Once I'm in all the way, you are my king. But that isn't just handed out until I am certain. She said she is not dating others, maybe she is just trying to pace this. I wouldn't worry and be the man and lead your lady to your heart Awwww Thanks Fabulousgirl. Believe me, I have thought about that and that's the thing that has kept me where I am for the last 3 months. The hope that she is just trying to pace it. Which I completely would understand, giving her situation. I mean, I know how I was a year after splitting up with my ex of 6 years. Although that ended in a completely different fashion. Anyway, I dated girls and if I'm honest, mostly due to being physically attracted to them. However, I never let it go past 4 or 5 dates if I couldn't see a future in it or if I sensed that they were wanting more than I wanted. This girl is a lovely, kind hearted, intelligent person, I would like to think that she would do the same. But you never know. The end of a LTR can affect a person in many ways regardless of why/how it ended. She regularly talks bout her friends and how she doesn't agree with how one of them goes on dates with guys they don't even like. She says she doesn't think it's fair that she stings them along. So it's all just really confusing. I mean, are some people just happy dating or "seeing" people for months on end? Are they able to go on amazing dates with just 1 person, share amazing times and have amazing sex WITHOUT emotional attachment an without feelings developing? Is that possible? For me it's not. I'm very selective and if I'm in it, I'm in it 100%. But even if I'm having fun times, and the best sex with a stunning model...if I don't feel a "connection", I won't hang around. Hell, that's prob why I've been single for almost 2 years and this is the first girl I've "dated" for more than 5 date in that time. This is just the way I'm built and I just don't think it's fair on the other person or for me (I guess) to not be in it the whole 100% But maybe that is just me and some people are happy just having "fun?"
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Well...I actually wouldn't assume she knows how you feel, especially if you are pretty chilled-out around her in person. As far as she's concerned, you may be interested in moving forward but basically OK with the status quo, and that means that she can take as much time as she wants. I suspect that's where she is with this. If she is rubbish about talking about her feelings, there may be a strong streak of "out of sight, out of mind" as far as worrying about things like that. Which means she just might not realize that this would actually bug you as much as it does unless you come right out and tell her so. I don't think it's at all unreasonable, three months in, to feel strongly about a person and want to know where things are heading. Only you can say if you've reached your limit on patience... I guess my general advice would be to talk to her about this, not in an accusing "you're not over your ex" way, but in an "I really like you and I find that the uncertainty of our situation is starting to get to me" way. You don't have to do this now, or next week - but I wouldn't wait another month. I know you've asked about your status before, but the part I'm not clear on is whether you've let her know that you're starting to feel unhappy about it. That's the relevant piece of information here...at some point, she should know that, before you decide to walk. Thanks again Serious Muse. Very wise advice. Yeah I'm sure she knows how I feel and that I want to move forwards but no I haven't let her know that I'm starting to feel unhappy about it. It's weird as I'm very much a heart on his sleeve kind of guy. But I guess my exterior depicts a guy who likes to have fun. Everyone always says how lucky I am to have so many friends (I am lucky and I am close to lots of guy and girlfriends) and people have described me as a "party boy" or a "social butterfly". there is a running joke in the office about how no one ever has to ask how my weekend was as they know I'm always out, or at a birthday, doing something stupid like walking through a packed london station in pink pants or painting myself green and dressing up as the hulk. I'm sure if you all saw my FB page you would think the same. So maybe, just maybe she is taking this slow to see if I am serious about this or not. But then again, she knows how I am with her and has even said things like "I don't think you could do anything to hurt or annoy me". So, I guess that theory is out the window! Haha while writing this she has literally just texted me! Will read it after I finish typing this. I haven't got back to her since she text me at 9am this morning though...so maybe she knows something is up. But anyway, what I was trying to say is that I've kinda become this "fun time" guy because I kinda feel like i missed out on it all in the 6 years I was with my ex. Like I said, I give 100% or nothing if I like someone and this girl just makes me want to do exactly that. I would give up the crazy nights with the boys, the clubs, the bars, the lads holidays and even the link pants if she could see a future with me. But sadly, I'm just not convinced she can. And I don't blame her for that. In fact I completely understand her situation. I guess that's what makes this so hard. But yes serious muse I probably should talk to her about it but I'm still caught up on her admission that she is "rubbish at talking about how she feels" and how she even finds it hard when others talk about how they feel. In terms of 8 years, 3 months feels and is like nothing. I'm just not sure if she even believes that someone could fall for another person in 3 months. I guess I don't want to upset her or come across as demanding or pushy. The fact is, I guess all that I'm really looking for is some sort of acknowledgement that there is too for progression in this. I've been holding back for a while now, which makes me feel unnatural. I want to express how I feel and show her how I feel....how I really feel I mean. I don't want to be walking on egg shells or scared that 3 months is not enough time to be feeling all of this. Oh God....I think I've just realised that I REALLY like her. I fear it is all downhill from here
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Just read her text. She said she has booked tickets to a show for us this week and asked if the time and location was ok with me
Shosh Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 One last thing....do you think it is unreasonable to be feeling all that I'm feeling after 3 months? I mean, do you think it is too soon and I should just be enjoying things as they come and having fun? I guess it's tough when you begin developing feelings for the person hey... Not at all! I am the same way, when I like someone, I fall quickly. Many of my relationships started that way. With my last serious relationship, we were an item pretty much after a few days, both open with our emotions, boyfriend/girlfriend after a few weeks and exchanged I love yous soon after. With my current relationship I also try to tell myself that those things need time and you shouldn't rush into a relationship. To be honest, I think that is just rationalization, a way for me to think it is okay to keep dating a guy who is obviously not crazy about me after 2 months. But I think it is time for me to face the music and tell him that this is not working and we should stop seeing each other. It is going to be difficult, but I guess it will still feel better if I end it than if he suddenly told me he did not want to see me anymore. Unrequited love sucks.
Shosh Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Just read her text. She said she has booked tickets to a show for us this week and asked if the time and location was ok with me Did you reply yet? I think you should go and then talk to her when you see her.
Author SimonPhoenix Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Hi Shosh, I really hope things work out with your guy I really do. I hear what you're saying about the whole rationalization thing and to be honest, I think that's probably what I'm doing. Ok so in terms of 8 years, 3 months may be nothing, but in terms of a new, fresh relationship, 3 months is actually quite a lot. A quarter of a year after all. I remember how my ex and I felt after this time when we first got together and it was nothing like this. Now I know all relationships are different but I guess what I'm failing to remember is that this new girl and I are NOT in a relationship. Did anyone read what I wrote earlier? Does anyone have any thoughts on this: . Believe me, I have thought about that and that's the thing that has kept me where I am for the last 3 months. The hope that she is just trying to pace it. Which I completely would understand, giving her situation. I mean, I know how I was a year after splitting up with my ex of 6 years. Although that ended in a completely different fashion. Anyway, I dated girls and if I'm honest, mostly due to being physically attracted to them. However, I never let it go past 4 or 5 dates if I couldn't see a future in it or if I sensed that they were wanting more than I wanted. This girl is a lovely, kind hearted, intelligent person, I would like to think that she would do the same. But you never know. The end of a LTR can affect a person in many ways regardless of why/how it ended. She regularly talks bout her friends and how she doesn't agree with how one of them goes on dates with guys they don't even like. She says she doesn't think it's fair that she stings them along. So it's all just really confusing. I mean, are some people just happy dating or "seeing" people for months on end? Are they able to go on amazing dates with just 1 person, share amazing times and have amazing sex WITHOUT emotional attachment an without feelings developing? Is that possible? For me it's not. I'm very selective and if I'm in it, I'm in it 100%. But even if I'm having fun times, and the best sex with a stunning model...if I don't feel a "connection", I won't hang around. Hell, that's prob why I've been single for almost 2 years and this is the first girl I've "dated" for more than 5 date in that time. This is just the way I'm built and I just don't think it's fair on the other person or for me (I guess) to not be in it the whole 100% But maybe that is just me and some people are happy just having "fun?"
kassy Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I have been in a similar but different scenario, the guy had big life changes going on and was divorced for 2 years, just was too all over the show for a relationship, but when we were together it was amazing. I really liked him, like no one I have ever met before, it was early days though so still rose coloured glasses and all I know. Anyway, after a few months I just knew it wasn't working for me. I also knew he couldn't at that time give me what I wanted. So we had a chat and we ended things. But I made it clear to him that I liked him (he made it clear he liked me too, and was frustrated with the situation). So we left it with if he ends up in a better space and wants to give it a proper shot then to let me know. He contacted me a little while ago (about 7 months later) and we are dating again, and this time it is properly fantastic. If you say it to her, also make sure she knows you won't be waiting to hear from her, and will get on with your life, but if she contacts you and you are single you'd like to try again. She might never contact you again, but if you really like her why not leave the door open.
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